Neverlandrut Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 So, while I was at work last night, my wife spoke to my dad on the phone and she told him that I no longer believe in god. I'm sure I'll get a phone call from him on my way to work tonight. Wish me luck...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted May 4, 2014 Super Moderator Posted May 4, 2014 Good luck and drive carefully!
mando rando Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 All the best to you, Neverlandrut, and you may want to choose carefully WHEN you actually answer the call from your father. I was outed to my mom (by a fundy cousin who saw something on facebook). When she called me at work I had no idea what she was calling about. Kept telling her I couldn't talk about it right now because I was at work, but I nearly had to hang up on her. A couple days later we had a better conversation, but it was really tough (for both of us, I guess) to be caught off guard like that.
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted May 4, 2014 Super Moderator Posted May 4, 2014 All the best and remember that there is nothing wrong with buying yourself a little time by saying, "Dad, I'd really prefer to discuss this with you in person next time we visit." 1
mymistake Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Boundaries. Nothing wrong with not wanting to talk about it. Good luck. 2
midniterider Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 So, while I was at work last night, my wife spoke to my dad on the phone and she told him that I no longer believe in god. I'm sure I'll get a phone call from him on my way to work tonight. Wish me luck... Dear Family, if you love me please extend to me the freedom to believe in the same way I allow you the freedom to believe what you like. 2
Deidre Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Good luck! May I ask...why did your wife tell him this? Did it 'slip out,' or did she take it upon herself to? Is your wife Christian? Just curious.
Neverlandrut Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 So, while I was at work last night, my wife spoke to my dad on the phone and she told him that I no longer believe in god. I'm sure I'll get a phone call from him on my way to work tonight. Wish me luck... Dear Family, if you love me please extend to me the freedom to believe in the same way I allow you the freedom to believe what you like. It will be that simple for some family members. For others, I'm not so sure. For many of them, belief in god isn't just another belief. It is the core reality of their entire world view.
Neverlandrut Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 Good luck! May I ask...why did your wife tell him this? Did it 'slip out,' or did she take it upon herself to? Is your wife Christian? Just curious. Yes, she is a very devout Christian. She told my dad because she felt "she had to." I'm not that upset with her. I was planning on telling him, but would have liked to tell him myself. Like I said above, my wife's entire world view is centered in her belief in god. She believes our marriage is meaningless without god. So for her, my unbelief isn't as simple as me being entitled to believe what I want.
Deidre Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Good luck! May I ask...why did your wife tell him this? Did it 'slip out,' or did she take it upon herself to? Is your wife Christian? Just curious. Yes, she is a very devout Christian. She told my dad because she felt "she had to." I'm not that upset with her. I was planning on telling him, but would have liked to tell him myself. Like I said above, my wife's entire world view is centered in her belief in god. She believes our marriage is meaningless without god. So for her, my unbelief isn't as simple as me being entitled to believe what I want. Yes, that's not an uncommon reaction, if you will. It's interesting, because the only thing that is different about you now, is you stopped believing. You're not asking her to stop believing. But, I can see where she will feel like your worldview will be vastly different than hers. And it will be. Ugh. I hope things work out. I hope you can be true to your values, and treated with respect by those who care about you. That you coming out doesn't alter those valued relationships. Good luck!
Neverlandrut Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 Well my dad came over this afternoon... It did not go well at all. I have never sat through such a barrage of oversimplified assumptions and judgments in my life. I love my dad, but that was one of the hardest talks I've ever had with him. He kept telling me that I'm ruining my family. 1
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted May 5, 2014 Moderator Posted May 5, 2014 Sorry, bro. It's really sad how those talks tend to go initially. Hopefully things will improve in the future.
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted May 5, 2014 Super Moderator Posted May 5, 2014 I'm sorry the conversation went so badly, but I guess none of us are surprised. Unfortunately. You are not ruining your family! That was a cheap guilt-tripping card to play. You are the same person you were before you were outed. I hope the dust will settle soon and that your family, especially your wife, will allow you to be yourself.
Neverlandrut Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 Thanks for the encouragement. This is the hardest part for me so far. I mean... I kept telling my dad that I'm happy to talk with him about it, but I want him to try to understand my perspective. He blatantly told me, "That ain't gonna happen! It's too late for that!"
Deidre Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Thanks for the encouragement. This is the hardest part for me so far. I mean... I kept telling my dad that I'm happy to talk with him about it, but I want him to try to understand my perspective. He blatantly told me, "That ain't gonna happen! It's too late for that!"no offense, but you're a grown man, with a wife. Your dad's opinion, while it might matter to a degree and out ofrespect for him, you'll listen, I'd remind him that you are an adult. It's not like you're 16, and took his car out without asking. You're an adult, capable of deciding your own fate. I'm sorry the chat didn't go well, and hopeully, he will learn to respect you, at the very least. It's not about changing minds, it's just about our opinions on the matter being respected. 3
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted May 5, 2014 Super Moderator Posted May 5, 2014 Thanks for the encouragement. This is the hardest part for me so far. I mean... I kept telling my dad that I'm happy to talk with him about it, but I want him to try to understand my perspective. He blatantly told me, "That ain't gonna happen! It's too late for that!" Your dad's remark reminded me of this. Different topic, but same mind-set: It sounds like you're just beating your head against a brick wall trying to get him to understand your perspective since it "ain't gonna happen!" So is acceptance, respect, tolerance, and/or "agree-to-disagree" an option? After all, it is YOUR life - not his. Good luck! (That seems so inadequate and ineffectual -- just like praying!).
midniterider Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 It will be that simple for some family members. For others, I'm not so sure. For many of them, belief in god isn't just another belief. It is the core reality of their entire world view. It is sad when one person cant be happy when another person thinks differently from them. Controlling your thoughts is unfair. I hope your marriage can still be happy even though you both don't believe the same religious beliefs. Hopefully your marriage is more than just about 2 people pleasing an imaginary sky fairy. Is it?
FreeThinkerNZ Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I think your Dad and your wife are looking to each other for "support" in dealing with your news. Hope she doesn't start referring to his views in discussions with you. Sometimes we need to protect our marriage from meddling parents/inlaws. And yes, very sorry for what you're going through, and unsurprised. "This too shall pass". 1
bfuddled Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 That sucks, I'm sorry that things didn't go well for you. I hope you can find some peace in the midst of what is probably going to be a pretty tumultuous few days/weeks.
Neverlandrut Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 It will be that simple for some family members. For others, I'm not so sure. For many of them, belief in god isn't just another belief. It is the core reality of their entire world view. It is sad when one person cant be happy when another person thinks differently from them. Controlling your thoughts is unfair. I hope your marriage can still be happy even though you both don't believe the same religious beliefs. Hopefully your marriage is more than just about 2 people pleasing an imaginary sky fairy. Is it? When we got married, we both believed we were founding our marriage on our faith in Jesus. I used to believe it all whole heartedly. That's why it's hard for me. I want to make my wife happy, but she does not understand that my unbelief is not a choice. It's the only position I can have given what I've learned.
Neverlandrut Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 I think your Dad and your wife are looking to each other for "support" in dealing with your news. Hope she doesn't start referring to his views in discussions with you. Sometimes we need to protect our marriage from meddling parents/inlaws. And yes, very sorry for what you're going through, and unsurprised. "This too shall pass". I think that's what's happening. I feel ganged-up-on. 1
FreeThinkerNZ Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I think your Dad and your wife are looking to each other for "support" in dealing with your news. Hope she doesn't start referring to his views in discussions with you. Sometimes we need to protect our marriage from meddling parents/inlaws. And yes, very sorry for what you're going through, and unsurprised. "This too shall pass". I think that's what's happening. I feel ganged-up-on. Your deconversion probably threatens his masculinity as a Good Christian FatherTM. His job was to raise a son who would grow up to be the spiritual head of the home and "lead" his good christian wife and kids. This is all part of the fundamentalist patriarchal system that tells men to oppress women and tells women to like it. He's been brainwashed and one result of that brainwashing is that now he feels like he failed. He feels guilty and to stave off that feeling and the risk that your wife will in her head blame him, he lashes out at you. He's blaming you for his feelings instead of owning them. Which he's been brainwashed into not owning. 1
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