tylereverett Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Things have always seemed so simple. The people you find yourself surrounded with become your peer group. As a child, its your neighbors. As a teenager, its your classmates. As a young Christian adult, its your church. What happens when you walk away? Turn away from everything you thought you knew into a big world with endless possibilities. You open your arms to embrace that world but it just stares coldly back you you. And you realize that you never loved it. You never cultivated a relationship with it. And it knows that. You are a foreigner to it. You can't go back. Those in your past insisting you put the chains back on and subdue yourself to the lies of men. But as you face the world, you try to find your place in it, you realize you have no idea what you are doing. The world is cold, and you're not ready for it. Everyone else seems to speak a language that you don't understand. And your newfound awareness of your own mortality constantly reminds you that you don't have the time you once thought you did. How do you learn the language of the world when you've been stuck speaking another language for so long? 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tylereverett Posted May 6, 2014 Author Share Posted May 6, 2014 Sorry for the dramatics. Not looking for advice necessarily. I just wanted to express my feelings and for another human being to read it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted May 6, 2014 Moderator Share Posted May 6, 2014 Both the favored leader and the lonely rebel must learn to walk alone. Both must face the darkness of what others have feared to reveal. One risks shame, the other despair. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xtify Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 I wish I had an easy answer for you. The best thing you can do to learn the language as you say, is to continue to study and learn about the world. Without knowing more of your circumstances, it's hard for me to tell what's going on. But it sounds to me like you were raised outside "the world" and are now leaving the pre-arranged life that was set out before you and instead becoming your actual self. Sounds like you are moving more towards intellectual honesty, which will ultimately pay off, I believe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted May 6, 2014 Moderator Share Posted May 6, 2014 Sorry for the dramatics. Not looking for advice necessarily. I just wanted to express my feelings and for another human being to read it. tyler, There is no drama in this topic at all. It's very true what you write. You're entire world view has crashed and when that happens we don't know which way to turn. It takes time to experiment and create the new world you want. Post here with us as you go through this...you will not be lonely at all. I was on this site and posted everyday in my confused state until the gang showed me how to live again. It's not always easy. It was easier for me when I believed that god was going to eventually rescue my life. I knew I was going to have to look at everything in a completely different way and I eventually have ...but it took 3 1/2 years to get here. Keep posting all your feelings. We will be here for you! You never have to be alone on Ex-c. *hug* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tylereverett Posted May 6, 2014 Author Share Posted May 6, 2014 Thanks. I wasn't raised in the church but I was born again at 15. I'm an introverted person and since I joined in adolescence I've never had any adult life outside of the church. I moved to this city specifically to join a church. So its been challenging walking away, because I don't know many people here well. I've realized that I don't know how to instigate real friendships. I can be friendly and talk to strangers, but its hard for me to get to the next level. And I haven't been able to be vulnerable in six to eight months so I was just feeling down. I turn 25 in a month, and although I'm still young I suppose that the deconversion is bringing on a quarter life crisis. Three things that are really bothering me: 1. Constantly thinking of death. I suppose this is the existential thing we all go through, but its very scary when it used to not be. 2. Don't know how to make good friends. Having to start over from scratch and I don't have the built in social structures I'm used to. 3. Don't know how to date. I'm extremely used to the church world, where God "calls" you to marry someone. I was actually engaged at one time to a christian woman, although it didn't work out. But now, going into the "world" its all very different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest afireinside Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 You're a good man Tyler and I empathise with how you feel at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deidre Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 It is very daunting at first, to walk away from religion, if it meant anything at all to a person. If someone was going through the motions for years, then no big deal. But, if you wrapped your identity around your faith--then, it will be hard. But, when you do walk away...you realize that all that was providing you comfort was a lie. A fantasy. You bought it, you believed it, but that doesn't negate the fact that it was a lie all along. Once you really accept that, then reality becomes your comfort. We all are looking for peace and comfort in a harsh world, no doubt. And religion is all too eager to give a false sense of comfort and hope. You will find news comforts...and new ways of dealing with the cruel world when it comes at you. It beats clinging to a lie any dday. But, it takes time to get to that place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mydisplayname Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 1. Constantly thinking of death. I suppose this is the existential thing we all go through, but its very scary when it used to not be. I don't fear death, I fear dying. I fear suffering and pain whilst I'm busy dying. Death itself doesn't bother me anymore. Give it time. “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” - Mark Twain. 2. Don't know how to make good friends. Having to start over from scratch and I don't have the built in social structures I'm used to. Friends are overrated. When you're 25 it seems so important and then somehow when you have your first child you realise that you don't need people. You can make your own people. 3. Don't know how to date. I'm extremely used to the church world, where God "calls" you to marry someone. I was actually engaged at one time to a christian woman, although it didn't work out. But now, going into the "world" its all very different. I used to always think there's no way any women would ever be interested in a guy like me. It turns out there's beautiful, intelligent women out there who think the same about themselves. You just have to find her dude and it's probably going to happen when you stop trying. Every pot has a lid. Don't worry too much about it. You're going to find her. Deconversion is a journey. Take it slowly and be patient. If you have questions ask them or just rant. That always helps me. We're here for you 24/7. Contrary to what the bible says the earth is actually round. This means there's always someone on this site awake somewhere to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest afireinside Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 ^^^^ I like that faceahem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellwood Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 That was short, transparent, accurate and so wonderfully stated. If you can express yourself like that so well you are truly a person anyone would like to have in their life. Hang in there. This process can take time. Many of us have the same background. I often joke that I really don't know the procedure to order a drink at a bar! But I do know how to master a church supper! We hear you and understand. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted May 6, 2014 Super Moderator Share Posted May 6, 2014 It takes time, but you will eventually get used to living in a foreign land. You will even learn to speak the language and engage in the customs. You may even come to enjoy it; I know I did. But, even with over a decade of unbelief behind me, I still find myself suprised by the things I don't know. It is a lonely journey, true; but not nearly as lonely as christianity was for me. No one else can live your life for you; and you won't find happiness trying to live someone else's version of your life. You've simply got to make your life what you want and need it to be for you. A wise man once told me, "If living was easy, everybody would be doing it." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Sorry for the dramatics. Not looking for advice necessarily. I just wanted to express my feelings and for another human being to read it. I didn't see it as dramatics but as a poem, aptly put. Since you're not looking for advice I'll not attempt to solve problems. All I know is that with time I'm finding friends and a place in this "new world." It's taken a long time but there have been brief kindnesses, acquaintances, and even friendships lasting a few months or years along the way. Come to think of it, long-term friendships grew out of one or two of these early "brushes with kindness." All of them started from having been in public places or social events where people gather. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fernweh Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Yes, dwelling on death is one of the hallmarks of deconversion. I spent over a year contemplating this very thing. For the first 38 some years of my life I believed I was immortal. It was difficult at first to come to terms with the fact that this life is all that I have or will ever have. Now I embrace this and do everything I can to enjoy every moment. Life is short and fleeting; it's way too short to waste it longing for an afterlife that will never be. Enjoy every moment as if it could be your last. This is counter-intuitive to the Christian worldview, but I enjoy life so much more now than I did in the death cult. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 Thanks. I wasn't raised in the church but I was born again at 15. I'm an introverted person and since I joined in adolescence I've never had any adult life outside of the church. I moved to this city specifically to join a church. So its been challenging walking away, because I don't know many people here well. I've realized that I don't know how to instigate real friendships. I can be friendly and talk to strangers, but its hard for me to get to the next level. And I haven't been able to be vulnerable in six to eight months so I was just feeling down. I turn 25 in a month, and although I'm still young I suppose that the deconversion is bringing on a quarter life crisis. Three things that are really bothering me: 1. Constantly thinking of death. I suppose this is the existential thing we all go through, but its very scary when it used to not be. 2. Don't know how to make good friends. Having to start over from scratch and I don't have the built in social structures I'm used to. 3. Don't know how to date. I'm extremely used to the church world, where God "calls" you to marry someone. I was actually engaged at one time to a christian woman, although it didn't work out. But now, going into the "world" its all very different. I can see why you would feel this way. It is really scary coming out of religion. Even if you weren't born into it as a baby, you were "born" into it at a very important time of your life so that you grew up in it and learned how to be an adult in it. When I read all the "unequally yoked" posts and threads I can't help but think "lucky us" for those of us who didn't manage to get married in the church. Not that that's going to help a lot right now when you're feeling so lonely. I don't know if this is going to work for your life and schedule but it's been really helpful for me. A dog that needs lots of walks gets a person out there on the street where there's other people, some of whom will want to stop and chat about the dog or the weather or politics or what-have-you. I choose to walk in a busy part of town where there's lot of people because, as you found, most people are busy with their own lives but a small percentage do enjoy a brief chat. If they live or work in the area, there's a chance of meeting again. Over weeks and months, a relationship can build. I found a few friends this way. I know a man who found a wife because both of them were walking their dogs. Like said, I don't know if this works for you because for starters, a person has to love dogs and I don't know this much about you. But you seem like a friendly person who likes people. It's bound to show eventually, even if it takes time. Again, that's not very helpful for right now, is it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RipVanWinkle Posted May 6, 2014 Share Posted May 6, 2014 It's painful until you get adjusted. I know. I have been there and go back from time to time for short periods. Try a freethinker, atheist or agnostic group who meet periodically. I'm lousy at making friends, too. But you won't make any unless you get exposed to people regularly. There are a lot of groups and you can check on the internet for those in your area. Also, counselling with a non-Xtian counselor can be very helpful for many. The point is to do something to get yourself moving toward an active social life. That's the key. Good luck an keep coming here. bill 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neverlandrut Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Sorry for the dramatics. Not looking for advice necessarily. I just wanted to express my feelings and for another human being to read it. It's not dramatic. It's a beautiful, poetic description of what many feel. I know I've felt that way. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neverlandrut Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 It is very daunting at first, to walk away from religion, if it meant anything at all to a person. If someone was going through the motions for years, then no big deal. But, if you wrapped your identity around your faith--then, it will be hard. But, when you do walk away...you realize that all that was providing you comfort was a lie. A fantasy. You bought it, you believed it, but that doesn't negate the fact that it was a lie all along. Once you really accept that, then reality becomes your comfort. We all are looking for peace and comfort in a harsh world, no doubt. And religion is all too eager to give a false sense of comfort and hope. You will find news comforts...and new ways of dealing with the cruel world when it comes at you. It beats clinging to a lie any dday. But, it takes time to get to that place. One thing that helped me was realizing what I was actually doing when I used to pray (prayer gave me a lot of comfort). When you pray, you're actually talking to yourself. So, if your like me and you got a lot of comfort from prayer, then realize that all the great comforting feelings you got came from YOU. Therefore, whatever sense of hope, comfort, and peace you had before, you can still have. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owen652 Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 as for dating... Deidre32 is a cutie, you should date her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MitoXon Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 1. Constantly thinking of death. I suppose this is the existential thing we all go through, but its very scary when it used to not be. death is a natural process, it happens to everyone. just live your life and try to make others happy 2. Don't know how to make good friends. Having to start over from scratch and I don't have the built in social structures I'm used to. try to talk to people? I am not too sure myself on how to make good friends. There have been reasons on why people aren't friends anymore. It can be that they aren't actually your friend. A friend would not leave you and will accept you. 3. Don't know how to date. I'm extremely used to the church world, where God "calls" you to marry someone. I was actually engaged at one time to a christian woman, although it didn't work out. But now, going into the "world" its all very different. see number 2, from the girls you will be talking to, you have to choose one of the girls that will be interested in you, that is if you want to like the girl enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deidre Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 as for dating... Deidre32 is a cutie, you should date her lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orbit Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Start hanging out somewhere, a bar or coffeehouse. Become a regular, and you will meet people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkillusion Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 I've been deconverted for about a year now. I had no friends after leaving the church because it is hard to stay friends with people who now have the ulterior motive of saving your soul. Just a couple months ago I got a job as a server and it is so fun and I've been making so many friends who want to hang out with me outside work. When I was a Christian, these are people I never would have given a second glance at before, or I would have also had the ulterior motive of either converting them or inspiring them to be better Christians if they were already Christians. It was also not a good idea to make worldly friends because they distract from your " church family ." Now I can enjoy my new friends as they are. I find that I am more caring and take a genuine interest in people. I can just enjoy BEING with people instead of always putting on a Christian face so the joy of Christ could shine thru! I'm not judgmental anymore and can even enjoy a crude joke or two instead of always being on guard for impure speech! Just thought I'd share my situation. You will make friends again, and they will probably be better friendships than those you had when you were a Christian! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MitoXon Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 I've been deconverted for about a year now. I had no friends after leaving the church because it is hard to stay friends with people who now have the ulterior motive of saving your soul. Just a couple months ago I got a job as a server and it is so fun and I've been making so many friends who want to hang out with me outside work. When I was a Christian, these are people I never would have given a second glance at before, or I would have also had the ulterior motive of either converting them or inspiring them to be better Christians if they were already Christians. It was also not a good idea to make worldly friends because they distract from your " church family ." Now I can enjoy my new friends as they are. I find that I am more caring and take a genuine interest in people. I can just enjoy BEING with people instead of always putting on a Christian face so the joy of Christ could shine thru! I'm not judgmental anymore and can even enjoy a crude joke or two instead of always being on guard for impure speech! Just thought I'd share my situation. You will make friends again, and they will probably be better friendships than those you had when you were a Christian! hahaha, tell me about it. I have a friend who is christian who just always want to save my soul, but I stopped talking to him. His main goal was me to believe in Christ again but that will never happen. He kept inviting me to his church outtings and bible study. He know I stopped believing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neverlandrut Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 as for dating... Deidre32 is a cutie, you should date her lol Hahaha! I kept wondering if someone was going to reply to that. I could hear crickets chirping for a while after that comment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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