My Deconversion And Its Effect On My Daughter

[Aiyana]

I have four kids, the oldest is fourteen. I became a Christian when she was 1 1/2 and raised her in a conservative, Pentecostal-affiliated church. She was also homeschooled. Her ENTIRE social life revolves around church. It's a fairly big church- big enough to have a lot of things for her to have been involved with over the years. I lost my faith gradually over the years- completely this past New Year's- and came out with my deconversion almost two months ago now, very publicly (through a blog post that was linked to my facebook.)

 

Now, at church, she is being treated as the center of attention/leper. She is pissed about my deconversion. I mean PISSED. She feels trauma that I am not a believer... anger that I didn't come out sooner than I did... and she hates how people are treating her. She said a random lady came up to her the other day and said, "Are you so-and-so?" and when my daughter answered yes, the lady said "I'm praying for you and your mom."

 

She said that whenever she says or does something that a kid is judgmental about, the other kid will say, "Oh, you're becoming like your mom now? Oh, you're an atheist like your mom now?" 

 

It really breaks my heart, what my coming out has done to her. 

[FreeThinkerNZ]

She will be better off in the long run with you having deconverted.  

 

It's not your fault that xians are bullying her, their behaviour is entirely their responsibility.

 

Have you thought about discussing with her the idea of her going to a different church?  She obviously wants to go to a church at the moment (that may well change one day) so you could offer to take her to a new one.  She's probably old enough to go on her own (once she gets to know people) and you could go for a while and pretend to be an ordinary non-xian without the baggage that would come if they knew you were a deconverted one.  

 

You could explain to her that you love her so much that you don't want her getting bullied because of you and you're sorry this has happened but sometimes in life the only way to be safe from bullies is to make a fresh start.  She would be learning valuable life skills of how to deal with bullies and that you can't change other people's behaviour.

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, Aiyana,

 

I can see how what you described can be tough on both you and your daughter. I hate it that both of you are going through this. So many times Christians take parents' decisions out on their children and that is not fair. From your daughter's perspective, I can see how she feels because now she does not fit in as she did before.

 

My only suggestion is for you to focus on her feelings and to acknowledge them. At the same time maybe you could reassure her that you never intended to cause her any pain because of your decisions. If appropriate, maybe you could have a heart to heart with her and give her your reasons for your decision.

 

In any event, I wish you the best in this difficult situation.

[mymistake]

It really breaks my heart, what my coming out has done to her. 

 

 

But you didn't do any of that to her.  This is what Christians in their hypocrisy do to your daughter.

 

Sorry if this situation hurts.  That part sucks.

[florduh]

It's not your fault that xians are bullying her, their behaviour is entirely their responsibility.

 

 

Don't forget that.

[Neverlandrut]

One thing I'm learning in my deconversion is what all the above have been saying, that people's behavior is their own responsibility. I was recently accused by my dad of ruining my family and my kids upbringing by not believing. How they react is not your fault. You are simply being honest about your beliefs/lack of belief. I agree that you should suggest that she try a different church.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

One thing I'm learning in my deconversion is what all the above have been saying, that people's behavior is their own responsibility. I was recently accused by my dad of ruining my family and my kids upbringing by not believing. How they react is not your fault. You are simply being honest about your beliefs/lack of belief. I agree that you should suggest that she try a different church.

Xianity teaches children that other people's behaviour is your responsibility.  One of the biggest issues xians have is lack of boundaries.

[DrNo]

Keep on being empathetic with her and let her know that you understand why she is mad. Let her know that her beliefs are her own, and that she can ask you anything about hers. In time she will look back at how the "holy" church treated her and how the "sinful" atheist treated her and come to some surprising conclusions.

[Deidre]

I have tears in my eyes reading this. I'm always kind of hard line with 'coming out' to people...but your daughter saying that about what her friends say. I just want to cry. This has to be hard for you, and your family. What everyone is saying is so true, but it still has to be tough to hear this from your daughter.

 

I will say this. YOU, have so much courage. I can't believe how much courage, it's awesome. You are inspiring to many who struggle with wanting to come out, especially to their families.

 

*****sending you hugs*****

[midniterider]

I have four kids, the oldest is fourteen. I became a Christian when she was 1 1/2 and raised her in a conservative, Pentecostal-affiliated church. She was also homeschooled. Her ENTIRE social life revolves around church. It's a fairly big church- big enough to have a lot of things for her to have been involved with over the years. I lost my faith gradually over the years- completely this past New Year's- and came out with my deconversion almost two months ago now, very publicly (through a blog post that was linked to my facebook.)

 

Now, at church, she is being treated as the center of attention/leper. She is pissed about my deconversion. I mean PISSED. She feels trauma that I am not a believer... anger that I didn't come out sooner than I did... and she hates how people are treating her. She said a random lady came up to her the other day and said, "Are you so-and-so?" and when my daughter answered yes, the lady said "I'm praying for you and your mom."

 

She said that whenever she says or does something that a kid is judgmental about, the other kid will say, "Oh, you're becoming like your mom now? Oh, you're an atheist like your mom now?" 

 

It really breaks my heart, what my coming out has done to her. 

 

A 14 year old's life revolves around fitting in with others their age, for sure.

 

Laughter might be a good response to church bully kids. It takes away a verbal bully's power and makes him look like an idiot. Your daughter may start to attend church less if the kids continue being assholes. She may find other non-church friends. Someone else's idea about going to another church sounds like a good idea too.

 

Even though you are going through something unpleasant this is actually good for your daughter to see that people can be flexible and that life is not a rigid, unchanging thing. I'd say you are role modelling something very important for your daughter. You are giving her the gift of reason, critical thinking, and logic even if she doesn't want that right now. Better that she gain that ability now by watching you and understand that there are more options than just Jesus than discover it 30 years from now. She may remain a Christian but she will also understand that losing that faith does not turn you into an axe murderer.

[Blood]

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. That's easy enough to feel when you're an adult, but not when you're an adolescent and peer pressure is unbearable. There's going to have to be an ongoing series of talks about the importance of standing on principle, and not following the crowd, etc. Teenagers usually warm to this idea once they start seeing themselves as individuals. 

[RipVanWinkle]

Aiyana: I agree with the others; you did nothing wrong to your daughter. Both of you were victims, not just her. And she is a 

teenager. Her attitude will change (although no one knows in what direction). I would say be understanding to her but not apologetic for your own decision to deconvert. Is she angry at friends at the church for how they threat her? I hope so because, if so, she may soon to begin to see the cracks in the armor of Xtianity.

 

Teenagers are not the easiest group of people to reason with and when you add that to her being a Xtian, it will be tough for a while. When she's ready to have a sensible conversation with you, you might ask her this question : Which would you rather me do, pretend to you that I'm a believer when I'm not, or be honest with myself, you and others concerning my very difficult decision to deconvert? Tell her how you agonized (and we all do) in making your decision. 

 

Is her father in the picture? I hope no other family member is a strong Xtian. If you can get her into a more neutral church that would be a big help. It won't be helpful for her to continue at the same church.

 

It's tough, but I believe you have time on your side. Good luck.   bill

[R. S. Martin]

Would she like if you offered to talk to the bullies and/or their parents about their inappropriate behaviour? 

 

I'm thinking you might need to take an ally with you so as not to be bullied yourself but at least it would send the message to the Christians that they need to be responsible for their behaviour and that you will not take the bullying. Making the offer to your daughter would show her that you care about her feelings and that you will protect her if she desires it. She might not desire it since it might only draw more attention to her. You did not say whether you live in a small community so that everyone goes to this one church or whether it's a fairly big city where there this large church is but one of several social centres and opportunities for young girls to socialize. The small town syndrome is not easy to live with because everyone knows everyone else even if she goes to another church. People who know her and her situation will meet her every time she goes out the door. In a larger place this is not as likely to happen.

 

I'm not sure what to do about it if you live in a small town but I think it's an important fact to keep in mind as we discuss solutions and options.

[Aiyana]

 

One thing I'm learning in my deconversion is what all the above have been saying, that people's behavior is their own responsibility. I was recently accused by my dad of ruining my family and my kids upbringing by not believing. How they react is not your fault. You are simply being honest about your beliefs/lack of belief. I agree that you should suggest that she try a different church.

Xianity teaches children that other people's behaviour is your responsibility.  One of the biggest issues xians have is lack of boundaries.

 

Aaaaargghhh! Yes!!! The lack of boundaries is absolutely stupendous. One of the things that came to strike me as so completely bizarre about Christianity is WHY these people think it is any of their business what someone else thinks in their mind. What I think in my mind is now the "talk of the town". And yes, I know that I am the one who went public with it. But my point is I only NEEDED to go public about it because of the dynamics of the whole mindset. You know what I mean? If I talk to someone who's always been an agnostic, about my new lack of faith, the agnostic will be like, "Oh, that's cool." The Christians blow it up into something so crazy. Same with sex. That struck me the other day, too... how young adult Christians and teen Christians try to save themselves for marriage, and how everyone gets involved. I remember when my friends were dating. They were in their late 20s and were not going to have sex before they got married (even though she already had a son from a previous relationship) and we would literally sit around and talk about it, and people would check in on her. How utterly ridiculous that ANYONE outside of the couple themselves would have the audacity to think it's any of their business whether they have slept together! 

 

Anyway, that's a bit off topic I guess, but BOUNDARIES. Get some!! 

 

In answer to the question about my daughter's dad and whether other family members are Christians: Her own biological dad is not in the picture and was not a Christian. Her stepdad, my husband, is a Christian. In fact my entire family (except the baby and I) are at prayer meeting right now as I type this. My side of the family is not Christian, unless you count my mom who was raised Catholic, and considers herself Catholic stil, but hasn't been to church in probably two decades. My husband's side of the family contains some Christians of various commitment levels, the most hard-core being my father-in-law.

[Aiyana]

I have tears in my eyes reading this. I'm always kind of hard line with 'coming out' to people...but your daughter saying that about what her friends say. I just want to cry. This has to be hard for you, and your family. What everyone is saying is so true, but it still has to be tough to hear this from your daughter.

 

I will say this. YOU, have so much courage. I can't believe how much courage, it's awesome. You are inspiring to many who struggle with wanting to come out, especially to their families.

 

*****sending you hugs*****

Thank you Deidre You know what is weird about courage and all of this? Before I deconverted, I had MASSIVE issues with anxiety. I struggled with being a passive-aggressive person as well. Since coming out? I am finding myself free of fears and passivity like never before. I am working on my assertiveness and on my general overall emotional health. Really wonderful things are happening. Chains that have bound me, my family, my marriage, for YEARS are breaking free. I was always told it would be Jesus who would break all those chains. It never happened.

 

It did take courage to come out, but I can't take all the credit... a lot of it was like I had no choice anymore. Like, I am someone who HATES throwing up. I hate it so much that I will endure hours of stomach cramps rather than just allowing myself to puke and get it over with. But sometimes, no matter what, you just can't stop the puke. That's kind of what coming out was like. It got to the point where I just couldn't stop it. It has taken courage to face the aftermath, though, and I don't know, maybe courage begets courage? Maybe that's why I find myself getting stronger and stronger emotionally.

[Aiyana]

Would she like if you offered to talk to the bullies and/or their parents about their inappropriate behaviour? 

 

I'm thinking you might need to take an ally with you so as not to be bullied yourself but at least it would send the message to the Christians that they need to be responsible for their behaviour and that you will not take the bullying. Making the offer to your daughter would show her that you care about her feelings and that you will protect her if she desires it. She might not desire it since it might only draw more attention to her. You did not say whether you live in a small community so that everyone goes to this one church or whether it's a fairly big city where there this large church is but one of several social centres and opportunities for young girls to socialize. The small town syndrome is not easy to live with because everyone knows everyone else even if she goes to another church. People who know her and her situation will meet her every time she goes out the door. In a larger place this is not as likely to happen.

 

I'm not sure what to do about it if you live in a small town but I think it's an important fact to keep in mind as we discuss solutions and options.

I did ask about talking to the people, and she said, no, she most definitely does not want me to do that. We don't live in a small town, we live in a suburban area just north of Seattle. There are lots of other churches around but since she's been there since toddlerhood, I can't see her being willing to go to another church, at least not at this point. I think there are some kids who have remained kind, and remained supportive of her. 

 

This is her last year being homeschooled. I think as she integrates into school and branches out with some different friends, it will help. In fact, she spoke up at a family meeting we had the other day, and one of the things she spoke up about was that she wanted to go to public school, and she gave her top reason, and it was that she feels constantly surrounded by Christians, and she wants to branch out and meet more of a variety of people. 

 

I think as the years pass, she's going to be okay. I hope. I worry now about my two youngest ones (4 and 10 months). My 4-year-old is already fairly indoctrinated. 

[Aiyana]

Thanks so much to everyone for your replies. I'm really thankful for this site.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

 

Would she like if you offered to talk to the bullies and/or their parents about their inappropriate behaviour? 

 

I'm thinking you might need to take an ally with you so as not to be bullied yourself but at least it would send the message to the Christians that they need to be responsible for their behaviour and that you will not take the bullying. Making the offer to your daughter would show her that you care about her feelings and that you will protect her if she desires it. She might not desire it since it might only draw more attention to her. You did not say whether you live in a small community so that everyone goes to this one church or whether it's a fairly big city where there this large church is but one of several social centres and opportunities for young girls to socialize. The small town syndrome is not easy to live with because everyone knows everyone else even if she goes to another church. People who know her and her situation will meet her every time she goes out the door. In a larger place this is not as likely to happen.

 

I'm not sure what to do about it if you live in a small town but I think it's an important fact to keep in mind as we discuss solutions and options.

I did ask about talking to the people, and she said, no, she most definitely does not want me to do that. We don't live in a small town, we live in a suburban area just north of Seattle. There are lots of other churches around but since she's been there since toddlerhood, I can't see her being willing to go to another church, at least not at this point. I think there are some kids who have remained kind, and remained supportive of her. 

 

This is her last year being homeschooled. I think as she integrates into school and branches out with some different friends, it will help. In fact, she spoke up at a family meeting we had the other day, and one of the things she spoke up about was that she wanted to go to public school, and she gave her top reason, and it was that she feels constantly surrounded by Christians, and she wants to branch out and meet more of a variety of people. 

 

I think as the years pass, she's going to be okay. I hope. I worry now about my two youngest ones (4 and 10 months). My 4-year-old is already fairly indoctrinated. 

 

Have a look at websites that give advice on how to deal with bullying in the school environment, and show her the websites and discuss them with her.  What she is experiencing at church is what schooled kids experience all the time, it's a good reason for homeschooling in fact.

 

Re your younger kids, visit Dale McGowan's website - he has written two excellent books about parenting from within an unequally yoked marriage.  Its all about communication and negotiation with your believing spouse.  You can teach your young kids critical thinking skills and innoculate them against the xianity virus.  There is still time.

[Neverlandrut]

 

 

I have tears in my eyes reading this. I'm always kind of hard line with 'coming out' to people...but your daughter saying that about what her friends say. I just want to cry. This has to be hard for you, and your family. What everyone is saying is so true, but it still has to be tough to hear this from your daughter.

 

I will say this. YOU, have so much courage. I can't believe how much courage, it's awesome. You are inspiring to many who struggle with wanting to come out, especially to their families.

 

*****sending you hugs*****

Thank you Deidre You know what is weird about courage and all of this? Before I deconverted, I had MASSIVE issues with anxiety. I struggled with being a passive-aggressive person as well. Since coming out? I am finding myself free of fears and passivity like never before. I am working on my assertiveness and on my general overall emotional health. Really wonderful things are happening. Chains that have bound me, my family, my marriage, for YEARS are breaking free. I was always told it would be Jesus who would break all those chains. It never happened.

 

It did take courage to come out, but I can't take all the credit... a lot of it was like I had no choice anymore. Like, I am someone who HATES throwing up. I hate it so much that I will endure hours of stomach cramps rather than just allowing myself to puke and get it over with. But sometimes, no matter what, you just can't stop the puke. That's kind of what coming out was like. It got to the point where I just couldn't stop it. It has taken courage to face the aftermath, though, and I don't know, maybe courage begets courage? Maybe that's why I find myself getting stronger and stronger emotionally.

YES YES YES! I experienced the same thing! I was passive aggressive as well. I tried so hard to treat other people right to the neglect of my own rights. I was taught that was the right thing to do. It's not! It only leads to anxiety. For the first time in my life, I see my own happiness and rights as equally important as other's. At the same time, my compassion for others has actually increased.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

You guys are coming along so nicely.  You're learning about stuff you missed out on in your upbringing, thanks to the cult.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I don't know what to say, other than I know a little about the pain you are feeling.  I'm raising my 5 year old son to be a freethinker.  The other day he was playing with some neighborhood kids and he suddenly felt the need to announce that jesus is just a fairytale and he isn't real.  The other kids turned on him in an instant and started with their christian bullying.  My son is not the type to back down, so it turned into a royal bowdy-how.  Yet again I had to explain to him that this is the reason he should only discuss religion with me and his mom.  Perhaps it will sink in this time.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

I don't know what to say, other than I know a little about the pain you are feeling.  I'm raising my 5 year old son to be a freethinker.  The other day he was playing with some neighborhood kids and he suddenly felt the need to announce that jesus is just a fairytale and he isn't real.  The other kids turned on him in an instant and started with their christian bullying.  My son is not the type to back down, so it turned into a royal bowdy-how.  Yet again I had to explain to him that this is the reason he should only discuss religion with me and his mom.  Perhaps it will sink in this time.

He was proud that he had learned something important from his Daddy.  But you're right, if he needs to learn this lesson the hard way, that's pretty normal.

[Guest]

 

It really breaks my heart, what my coming out has done to her. 

 

FWIW, I would say it is not your deconversion that has done anything to her.  It is the church that is making her feel this way.  The whole sins of the father (mother) visited on the children kinda thing...

[TheRedneckProfessor]

 

 

It really breaks my heart, what my coming out has done to her. 

 

FWIW, I would say it is not your deconversion that has done anything to her.  It is the church that is making her feel this way.  The whole sins of the father (mother) visited on the children kinda thing...

 

This is truth.  You didn't choose unbelief; it happened to you.  The church, on the other hand, chooses its actions. 

[MitoXon]

that church is really horrible with those kids. I really hate bullies who make fun of others just because they have their parents to deconvert. I say you take her to another church. The bullies' behaviour is totally up to the bullies themselves.