WaitingInfinity Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Hey guys, it's me, WaitingInfinity! I've not been on in some time now. I got bogged down in schoolwork and some other things that I'll get into. If anyone remembers, I was attending a private Christian university where the rules abounded and chapel was required. I had recently become an agnostic-atheist and was having some extreme frustrations. I was considering transferring to a secular university and received many wonderful encouragements from people on this site. Then...shit happened. I became very depressed. I cried every single day over the smallest things. My motivation was at an all time low, something I have never experienced before as a straight-A student. This went on for weeks. I felt helpless constantly. I felt trapped by the school. Every time I went to chapel, I became angry at what was said. I began to resent being part of the mindless herd. In the middle of this, I was trying to transfer. I was met with many setbacks, including having to pay a shitload of my savings in order to get a transcript released, feeling unsupported by my professors who didn't want me to go and didn't understand why (I didn't tell them that I was no longer a Christian for fear of my parents who are closely connected with the university finding out), feeling unsupported by my parents, feeling like I was doing the wrong thing. I was constantly worrying about it being the right decision. Worried about scholarships. Worried about friends. Worried that I was disappointing people. I remained scared and depressed. I started watching movies whenever I had a chance because it was the only thing that motivated me anymore. Every single day, I felt some iota of anger at something the school was doing that I hated. Sometimes I wanted to scream at people. I became terse with people of authority around me, like the hallway RA who came around to check our rooms weekly for cleanliness. Sometimes it was difficult to even smile at people. And then just like that, it was all over. I got through finals. I made As--surprising even in all my difficulties. And I'm on my way to a secular university this fall with my entire tuition paid for, a work-study job, a four bedroom apartment with three of my good friends, and getting to share classes with my boyfriend. I also discovered that this university offers art therapy courses for undergrads, which is the area I may want to do graduate study in. I even got to visit the university and it was wonderful. It felt so beautiful and free and I loved everything it had to offer to me. Including an atheists and skeptics club! It's so perfect that if I were still a Christian, I would say that it was God's hand blessing my transfer with so many good things. But God doesn't exist. XD My bout with depression is mostly over and I'm inclined to think it was adjustment disorder or situational depression because of the changes occurring in my life. Some days I still feel as though I cannot go on. I'm living at home until mid-August with my partially fundie family. I hole up in my room for the most part. They make me go to church and are passive-aggressive about things. I wonder what it would be like to tell them that I don't believe in God and I am so afraid of their reactions. It's just not right to live in fear like this. I just thought I would come back and let you guys know why I disappeared of off the map for a while. I hope to be on more regularly now again!
amateur Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Welcome back! It sounds like things should go MUCH smoother starting this fall! Good for you! Hang in there til mid-August. I'm so glad you're feeling so much better and you'll be in a good environment at the secular university. 1
Woodsy Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Welcome back, indeed, sweetie! Glad to hear of all the good things happening to you. Looking forward to more. 2
◊ crazyguy123 ◊ Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I'm glad to hear that you've escaped from that Christian University Hell Hole and are on your way to a real college where the purpose is to educate people, instead of turn them into Borg drones for Jesus. Hopefully Mid-August comes quickly so you can start living with your friends, with whom you get to be yourself, instead of pretending to be a Fundy Christian, worrying about what will happen if your secret escapes. I wish you the best of luck in the future. May the Flying Spaghetti Monster guide you with his noodly appendage. 2
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted May 16, 2014 Super Moderator Posted May 16, 2014 I've been waiting for the opportunity to *hug* you; and this seems like the perfect moment. Waiting, I went through 4 years of what you described at the christian college I attended, and the memories still sometimes haunt me. You are so amazing for getting yourself out. Relax and have an ice cold beer. You made it through christian college, the sixth circle of hell. 2
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted May 16, 2014 Moderator Posted May 16, 2014 Glad things are looking up for you! It doesn't sound like it would be worth telling them to me, but do what you gotta do in regards to your parents!
MerryG Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 ((((( )))))s! I'm glad you were able to hang in there through all that emotional hell. It's terrible to have to hide your real self, and even worse to have to do it while you're making major, major changes. But you've made it through! August will be here quicker than you know.
WaitingInfinity Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 I've been waiting for the opportunity to *hug* you; and this seems like the perfect moment. Waiting, I went through 4 years of what you described at the christian college I attended, and the memories still sometimes haunt me. You are so amazing for getting yourself out. Relax and have an ice cold beer. You made it through christian college, the sixth circle of hell. Big Hug back to you, prof! I'm not old enough to legally have a beer yet though, lol.
RipVanWinkle Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Waitinginfinity: I am so glad you have gotten things lined up so you can start living your own life. As for your parents, do what you must do in order to finish your education. That's what's important in the long run. But I'm sure you know that. My thoughts will be with you. bill
Ellinas Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 All the best. Sometimes just waiting is the solution - especially when the problem is time-limited. I won't say "let go of the anger" as I actually think we need to be angry over some things - and the dishonesty of religious conformity is one of those things. Just try to direct it at the doctrines and the hypocrisy rather than the genuinely misguided ones who believe them, and don't let it eat away at you. And look forward to a better, more free future...
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