motion Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I struggle with the belief of being unworthy (inherently). My theory is that I got the belief from my Christian upbringing; my family environment growing up and that I accepted that belief as true.I have asked myself what would it take for me to be worthy and I have been unable to come up with an answer. I have accomplished a lot of things in my life that many people have praised me for. I know intellectually that I have accomplished a lot of things but I won’t say that I am proud of them.I know that some of these things have given me an “advantage” compared to some people. However I don’t like comparing myself to others. I would like to be in a place where I can be content with whom I am without comparing myself to others.I guess what I am trying to say is that I have gained a lot of things on the outside but in the inside I have a lot of conflict.With this belief running in my mind, I often do not take action on things that I want (that is when I know what I want. I usually live in a state of indecision/passivity). What suggestions do you have to change or let go of this belief?An interesting thing happened to me the other day. I had been to work and out in public without knowing that there was a huge stain on the back of my shirt. After someone pointed it out to me I became self-conscious and started trying to hide it. I tried to fight the urge to hide it but I hide it any way.I think my belief of unworthiness is like the stain on the shirt. It was after I was told about it and then behaved in ways reflecting what I was told that the belief was established in my mind.How do I “unknow” this belief if it is false? I behave as if it was true but I don’t have reasons for why it is true (apart from religion and other experiences that I had which I interpreted as proof of the belief).I don’t find the belief constructive in that it creates conflict in my mind between what I want and what I think I can have/do. How do I come up with a more constructive belief? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 It will take time to undo the damage of xianity to your self esteem. I have faced the same problem so I understand how you feel. First, is there a chance that you might have mild depression or anxiety? (It is really common for ex-xians, especially early on) If you do, maybe seeing a secular therapist might help. If you don't have depression/anxiety, then chances are you can turn this around without outside help. As you get further away from your xian beliefs and learn more about your new beliefs about the world and yourself, you will build confidence. I don't know your story so it's hard to be specific, but what worked for me is saturating myself in ex-xian information on the internet. I learned that others went through the same thing and I un-brainwashed myself about xianity. My favourite thing at the moment is the Flying Spaghetti Monster (that's why I'm wearing one in my avatar). The FSM makes me smile and laugh about xianity. It takes away a lot of the power xianity had in my mind. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 motion I'm am afraid that I don't have much advise for you on this but I want you to know it isn't your fault and you are not alone. I struggle with much the same thing. It is caused by Christianity. It is a very common experience. I try to focus on things I enjoy and people I care about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christophercomplex Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I struggle with the belief of being unworthy (inherently). My theory is that I got the belief from my Christian upbringing; my family environment growing up and that I accepted that belief as true. I have asked myself what would it take for me to be worthy and I have been unable to come up with an answer. I have accomplished a lot of things in my life that many people have praised me for. I know intellectually that I have accomplished a lot of things but I won’t say that I am proud of them. I know that some of these things have given me an “advantage” compared to some people. However I don’t like comparing myself to others. I would like to be in a place where I can be content with whom I am without comparing myself to others. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have gained a lot of things on the outside but in the inside I have a lot of conflict. With this belief running in my mind, I often do not take action on things that I want (that is when I know what I want. I usually live in a state of indecision/passivity). What suggestions do you have to change or let go of this belief? An interesting thing happened to me the other day. I had been to work and out in public without knowing that there was a huge stain on the back of my shirt. After someone pointed it out to me I became self-conscious and started trying to hide it. I tried to fight the urge to hide it but I hide it any way. I think my belief of unworthiness is like the stain on the shirt. It was after I was told about it and then behaved in ways reflecting what I was told that the belief was established in my mind. How do I “unknow” this belief if it is false? I behave as if it was true but I don’t have reasons for why it is true (apart from religion and other experiences that I had which I interpreted as proof of the belief). I don’t find the belief constructive in that it creates conflict in my mind between what I want and what I think I can have/do. How do I come up with a more constructive belief? You can't let go of something that has become you, you have to die to that part of yourself so it wont rule over you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I struggle with the belief of being unworthy (inherently). My theory is that I got the belief from my Christian upbringing; my family environment growing up and that I accepted that belief as true. I have asked myself what would it take for me to be worthy and I have been unable to come up with an answer. I have accomplished a lot of things in my life that many people have praised me for. I know intellectually that I have accomplished a lot of things but I won’t say that I am proud of them. I know that some of these things have given me an “advantage” compared to some people. However I don’t like comparing myself to others. I would like to be in a place where I can be content with whom I am without comparing myself to others. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have gained a lot of things on the outside but in the inside I have a lot of conflict. With this belief running in my mind, I often do not take action on things that I want (that is when I know what I want. I usually live in a state of indecision/passivity). What suggestions do you have to change or let go of this belief? An interesting thing happened to me the other day. I had been to work and out in public without knowing that there was a huge stain on the back of my shirt. After someone pointed it out to me I became self-conscious and started trying to hide it. I tried to fight the urge to hide it but I hide it any way. I think my belief of unworthiness is like the stain on the shirt. It was after I was told about it and then behaved in ways reflecting what I was told that the belief was established in my mind. How do I “unknow” this belief if it is false? I behave as if it was true but I don’t have reasons for why it is true (apart from religion and other experiences that I had which I interpreted as proof of the belief). I don’t find the belief constructive in that it creates conflict in my mind between what I want and what I think I can have/do. How do I come up with a more constructive belief? You can't let go of something that has become you, you have to die to that part of yourself so it wont rule over you. Mods, can we get Christopher Complex confined to the Lion's Den? And to Christopher Complex: Fuck off. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christophercomplex Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I am so sorry for opening my mouth like that, I feel horrible for upseting anyone who read my post. Please forgive me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I am so sorry for opening my mouth like that, I feel horrible for upseting anyone who read my post. Please forgive me It's a good idea to not post about xianity when someone has shared sensitive thoughts about their deconversion. People are trying to get away from the comments xians make about their lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christophercomplex Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I am so sorry for opening my mouth like that, I feel horrible for upseting anyone who read my post. Please forgive me It's a good idea to not post about xianity when someone has shared sensitive thoughts about their deconversion. People are trying to get away from the comments xians make about their lives. Again i'm sorry, but not because you got upset. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fweethawt Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I am so sorry for opening my mouth like that, I feel horrible for upseting anyone who read my post. Please forgive me It's a good idea to not post about xianity when someone has shared sensitive thoughts about their deconversion. People are trying to get away from the comments xians make about their lives. Again i'm sorry, but not because you got upset. Why don't you take your apology and go die to yourself, motherfucker? Fuck you! You demented, insensitive prick... In case you didn't know, this is an EX-christian website! Your religiously flavored -- taste like shit, actually -- deepities are not at all appreciated. You want to comment like that? Then go to a fucking christian forum and post to your fucked up heart's content! Next time, try reading the 'READ FIRST' threads before posting. http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/34636-read-first/?p=503073 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheBluegrassSkeptic Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I struggle with the belief of being unworthy (inherently). My theory is that I got the belief from my Christian upbringing; my family environment growing up and that I accepted that belief as true. I have asked myself what would it take for me to be worthy and I have been unable to come up with an answer. I have accomplished a lot of things in my life that many people have praised me for. I know intellectually that I have accomplished a lot of things but I won’t say that I am proud of them. I know that some of these things have given me an “advantage” compared to some people. However I don’t like comparing myself to others. I would like to be in a place where I can be content with whom I am without comparing myself to others. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have gained a lot of things on the outside but in the inside I have a lot of conflict. With this belief running in my mind, I often do not take action on things that I want (that is when I know what I want. I usually live in a state of indecision/passivity). What suggestions do you have to change or let go of this belief? An interesting thing happened to me the other day. I had been to work and out in public without knowing that there was a huge stain on the back of my shirt. After someone pointed it out to me I became self-conscious and started trying to hide it. I tried to fight the urge to hide it but I hide it any way. I think my belief of unworthiness is like the stain on the shirt. It was after I was told about it and then behaved in ways reflecting what I was told that the belief was established in my mind. How do I “unknow” this belief if it is false? I behave as if it was true but I don’t have reasons for why it is true (apart from religion and other experiences that I had which I interpreted as proof of the belief). I don’t find the belief constructive in that it creates conflict in my mind between what I want and what I think I can have/do. How do I come up with a more constructive belief? If you are going to attempt to retrain your behavior, you have to start recognizing red flags. I have always had an issue with male authority figures, because, you know, they are the head of the house. Why? Cuz da bawble. Over time, I realized that I was frustrated with this ridiculously automatic deference to any male figure in my life. It was getting ridiculous! So, I started taking baby steps to overcome it behavior wise. I started making small decisions, like not bothering to discuss dinner plans, but just making dinner how I saw fit and demanding the men cleaned up the mess afterwards. I know it seems silly, but that was a big step for me. Instead of simmering in aggravation because I would (irrationally I might add) wait around until everyone was home to help me decide what was for dinner, I started keeping notice of when I was getting upset and then do something about it. Recognize little red flags that signals you are doing the biblically trained behavior, and make an effort to change your approach, no matter how slight. Keep at it. Eventually you will be out there doing your own thing before you know it. I have help with laundry and dishes now and make financial decisions on my own now. It seems like not a huge deal, but honestly, it was depressing. I felt I had no control over my life and realized I was letting my own self consciousness and pounded in sense of "duty" to hold me back. Well I straightened that shit out! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted May 23, 2014 Moderator Share Posted May 23, 2014 I feel that when a human being accepts all the sides of himself...good and bad....and understands totally that we are just human animals, we can begin to think that we are somewhat 'worthy'. I accept the dark and the good in me. I continue to work on the aspects of my personality that cause me and others any trouble. I try to make amends as soon as I screw up. The healthiest thing I have ever done is to work on my ego...a false mask that has caused me lots of trouble. But I also know the reasons for developing this 'false mask' and I tend to be very gentle with myself because I know now that I just wanted to be loved. I like the new me, even with the stain on the back of the shirt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravenstar Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 There are a couple of ways to 'fix' a sense of unworthiness. First… get checked out by a doctor, making sure you aren't clinically depressed is important. Secular therapy is well worth it. Having an objective person to bounce your feelings and thought off of can be a real boon to retraining your thinking. You are right in that you can't compare yourself to others… you'll never get it right anyway because you will forever be comparing your insides with their appearances. We never know the struggles people have no matter how they look on the outside. For me it was realizing that I am the culmination of billions of years of evolution and the stuff I am made of was forged in the stars… that's pretty damn amazing! There will never be another 'me'. and then.. accomplishment. Do things that you enjoy to do, that contribute to your health, self-education or creativity. Nothing will enhance your self-esteem than mastery of something. Or even play… in the case of creativity. Help others… volunteer work in an area where you can help others is another great thing.. it gets you out of your own head and it feels good to contribute to your community, or the world. Helping the less fortunate (people, animals, or the environment) will give you a sense of purpose and usefulness. Last note: STAY AWAY FROM TOXIC PEOPLE! If someone doesn't make you feel good about yourself or in any way tries to use shame or guilt on you RUN as fast as you can the other way. Surround yourself with people who accept and love and believe in you. Stay here! Being here has been great for me.. the support is amazing. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam5 Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Hi there, to feel better I think its important to look after your physical health as much as mental, to eat a well balanced diet, exercise, and sleep well, and do things we enjoy cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eveningmeadows Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 I believe those of us who are sensitive have the deepest reaction to the whole xtian guilt thing. That's one of the reasons we probably all joined. I would agree that depression is one reaction to the doubts of religion. We all have a right to be here on this earth. Rich, poor, smart, not so smart, or just ordinary. Religion and it's followers likes to put us in the good, bad boxes. There are lots of extremely insecure, nutty people in the church. In a sense, we are better than them, because we realized we weren't better than anyone. There is no original sin, or evil sin nature. Most of us are good people who make mistakes. Sin is the way the church keeps control over us by guilt. I kept going back to the fact that there are thousands of religions that all say they are the truth. Just spend time focusing on that fact, and fear of religion will eventually fall away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted May 23, 2014 Super Moderator Share Posted May 23, 2014 I have often found that helping others gives me a greater sense of self-worth. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to do something great for someone else. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
par4dcourse Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Xianity HAS to make you believe you are inferior in order to sell you the cure. If you feel unworthy, ask to whom. Jesus is a fictional character, and most real people are like you. Just average Joes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest afireinside Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 Hi there, to feel better I think its important to look after your physical health as much as mental, to eat a well balanced diet, exercise, and sleep well, and do things we enjoy cheers I agree with this, the most alive and you feel is after a good cardio exertion and the most crap you feel is after a bad sleep and all motivation and desire goes out the window. The more idle I become the more I think about things and dwell on the negatives and become confused. Exercise to me is like a "spiritual" experience where I feel renewed and joyful. Concentrate in these parts of you that you have control over, stay away from the confusers and I think all the rest of those pieces will slot into place in time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
◊ crazyguy123 ◊ Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 I am so sorry for opening my mouth like that, I feel horrible for upseting anyone who read my post. Please forgive me It's a good idea to not post about xianity when someone has shared sensitive thoughts about their deconversion. People are trying to get away from the comments xians make about their lives. Again i'm sorry, but not because you got upset. You're just sorry you got caught in the act of being an insensitive prick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slave2six Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 Hi Motion - I don't know if this will help or not but when I was going through the same mess I stumbled upon an author of fiction whose works helped me immensely. One of the underlying themes in his works is that "people are not essentially good or bad, they're essentially people." (This is the first book by this author that I read. It's both hilarious and insightful.) This profoundly changed the way I viewed myself and others around me. It launched me on a journey of studying homo sapiens as a species and how similar they are to the other great apes (this Ted Talk was a complete mind-blow for me, as was this one.). I hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bfuddled Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 I could have written your post, it's much the same place I'm at right now. I was born and raised in the church, so like you my entire identity and formation of who I am was formed with the Christian belief system. When you are told from the time you are born that you are nothing apart from Christ, that the only reason you are ANY good is because he died for you, and that if you don't watch yourself very carefully, you'll do evil things, how could you NOT feel unworthy and corrupt? The whole BASIS of the Christian faith is that humans are worthless without Christ to redeem us. We're taught to have no pride, no goals, no sense of self, and certainly no desires that could be deemed "selfish". Take 20-30 years of that indoctrination.. that can't be undone without some work. I liken it to the those videos of laboratory animals being let out of their cages for the first time. You'd think they'd run the hell out of there, but it takes awhile and some coaxing for them to step out and into their new life. Although that frame of looking at the world and identity sucks, it's familiar and (in some ways) comfortable. Our brains have well worn ruts that we run in, especially when we get stressed. It takes time and effort to get out of those ruts and make new ones. I am fighting daily to not let myself get caught up in guilt/shame and the "shoulds" that have ruled my life because of my upbringing. I remind myself probably 100x a day that I'm Okay, there's not some higher purposed thing I should be doing right now, that my goal for each day is to enjoy myself and handle life as it comes at me. it's exhausting fighting the old thought patterns and trying to replace them iwth new ones. So, that said, I don't have any advice better than what's already been given. I just wanted to say I totally get where you're coming from, and it's totally normal as part of the process (at least I've been told). Hang out and commiserate, it will help, I promise! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motion Posted May 24, 2014 Author Share Posted May 24, 2014 Thanks for all the responses. I have been in counselling and I am still in counselling. The one thing that has come out of it is that I hold on to constructs very dogmatically and that I have a lot of fear. I feel that when a human being accepts all the sides of himself...good and bad....and understands totally that we are just human animals, we can begin to think that we are somewhat 'worthy'. I accept the dark and the good in me. I continue to work on the aspects of my personality that cause me and others any trouble. I try to make amends as soon as I screw up. The healthiest thing I have ever done is to work on my ego...a false mask that has caused me lots of trouble. But I also know the reasons for developing this 'false mask' and I tend to be very gentle with myself because I know now that I just wanted to be loved. I like the new me, even with the stain on the back of the shirt. How do I accept myelf. I hear it a lot but dont know exactly how to do it. I have spent all my life not accepting myself. I understand the concept of the false mask: pretending to be some thing that I am not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 One way I approach it is to think about how I would treat someone I cared about who was struggling in the same way, and then I just treat myself like that. It works at least some of the time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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