Too Friendly For My Own Good

[traveller2]

something I've identified is that I'm too friendly and open for my own good . I've no doubt this stems from how I was brought up and then from teens onward how Christianity taught me to be nice and all that crap.anyone else had to tackle this in their life? im bout seven yrs out from Christianity. I've changed so much but still identify areas I need to progress and develop.btw im not talkkng bout being a 'nice guy' etc as it pertains to male-female relations . I've worked thru alot of that.it may b linked but this is about freindships etc.how to make friends more specifically while being able to filter out the skns of bitches that after a while try to use u, like borrowing money, stuff, using up ur time or later find out r talking bout u.i think ive arrived at the conclusion now that having friends thru work is fraught with dangers but ive experienced this outside the work environment. it leafs mr to conclusion im too trusting, initally and long term.maybe better to never lend anything etc to anyone.im not well practiced wiyh friendship:as a Christian I was almost a complete loner.i see the attraction of being reclusive now as im an introvert naturally but its imortant to have social contact and since coming out of chritian storage ive grown alot thru fiendships tho id say all of them ended badly as they were dishonest people. but how to erect semi permeable barriers that protect me but allow for developing friendships?

[traveller2]

spelling us shite as on phone and cny edit post.

[Guest ninurta]

Is it that you are too friendly? Or is that a nice way of saying, that you might need to learn to be a little more assertive?

[Llwellyn]

Darwinian ethicists say that it is not normal to have "universal charity" -- as if you would love all people indiscriminately.  Rather, it is normal to love your friends and family, your tribe, your nation, etc, and have dissipating affection as the closeness of the connection radiates outward.  Be empathic -- towards your kin, companions and friends.

 

Perhaps it goes too far to say that it is normal to "help friends and harm enemies" -- as Polemarchus answers Socrates in the Republic.  But I definitely think it is appropriate to react with cool indifference to the vast majority of the 7 billion humans on the earth, and to the billions and billions of our nonhuman cousins.

 

As a pendulum swing away from Christianity, I think it might be appropriate to adopt the approach derided by Jesus in Matthew 5:43:  "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy."  Who are all of these dirty ignorant people to me?

[Guest ninurta]

 

Darwinian ethicists say that it is not normal to have "universal charity" -- as if you would love all people indiscriminately.  Rather, it is normal to love your friends and family, your tribe, your nation, etc, and have dissipating affection as the closeness of the connection radiates outward.  Be empathic -- towards your kin, companions and friends.

 

Dysempathic psychopaths are like that.

[VacuumFlux]

Yeah, I've had that problem. Some attempts at being more assertive failed because I feel mean and dirty afterwards. So instead I've tried to separate being "nice" from being "polite". You don't have to be nice to people, you don't have to like them, you don't have to loan them money if you do not feel comfortable doing so, you are not obligated to spend time with and fake friendship with people you don't like. But you don't have to be "mean" about it; you simply state your personal boundaries in a non-aggressive manner. If someone asks you for something you're not willing to give, just tell them that you're not comforable with that or that you are unable to help them in that manner. There's plenty of other people in the world they can ask. You are not obligated to fix everything for everyone.

 

I really didn't learn this until a few situations were a friend asked for something I wasn't comfortable with and I went along with it despite myself. A few days later, I'd get up the nerve to tell them that it had bothered me and timidly beg them not to ask for that again. They were always shocked and disturbed by that, and had to explain to me that they felt awful for making me do something I didn't want, and they'd actually be happier with my friendship if I told them "no" whenever I needed to. Those same friends also explained to me that when other people I knew got angry with me every time I said "no" to their demands, those other people were being inappropriate and I should feel angry back, not guilty.

 

Good friends are the ones who respect your boundaries, feel sad if they cross them by accident, and will work with you to make sure it doesn't happen in the future. Watch out for signs of pushing boundaries early in relationships, because the bad people out there are watching to see if you're easy to take advantage of. With good people, I find that I'm more willing to give, and perhaps even "sacrafice", for people who have shown respect for me in the past. They've earned that trust. So it's quite possible to stand up for yourself and still be a kind, giving person.

[Ellinas]

There's a lot to be said for being a loner and a bit of a b*st*rd when necessary.

 

I think the trick is to analyze motives, think tactically about how you need to deal with the people around you, trust few and only once they've proved themselves, be ready to walk away if you need to, and choose your battles.

 

Not saying it's easy, but no point, benefit or moral advantage in letting people walk over you.

[Orbit]

You may have been raised to be co-dependent, thinking of others before you think of yourself. It's ok to remember that YOU are important, too and don't try and please everyone else. It can be hard. This is something that I've struggled with. I've trained myself to think twice before volunteering to do something, or before saying yes. It's really important to be able to set boundaries and to say no without feeling like you have to explain why. It takes work, but you can do it.

[Jedah]

Being too friendly can come across as needy, like you are desperate for friendship which creeps a lot of people out.

 

You just have to learn to care less sometimes.

[Guest ninurta]

Being too friendly can come across as needy, like you are desperate for friendship which creeps a lot of people out.

 

You just have to learn to care less sometimes.

Actually, that'd be people's problems, not yours. You actually don't have to care less, you need to find other people who aren't "desperate" or "needy" who want a friendship, who care as much as you do as a person. It's much more fulfilling that way. I find friend's that try to add up to either an exhausting level of closeness or artificial distance to be a waste of time on a good day.

 

Also, I've had alot of "needy" friends that just needed someone to be there for them, and it turned out actually quite well. Meanwhile, I've gained less and less tolerance for those that want artificial "distant" friendships, as they're a waste of time and energy, simply by there being too many of them. People too fearful of any level of closeness, that they must avoid that at all costs. It's a mental problem of its own kind.

[LukeExChristian]

i had the same problem... i still struggle with it at times... i have trouble spelling also.

 

in all seriousness, after i broke free from christianity is that i reevaluated EVERYTHING, including my morals, and what situations i think would seem morally acceptable to be assertive. do not beat yourself up after you come across a situation where you should have been more assertive. BE PROUD THAT YOU FIGURED OUT, that you made the mistake. you are now A BETTER PERSON because you learned from that mistake! (and that doesn't even have to apply to this issue).

 

for instance, if one of your "buddies" is trying to borrow stuff, than politely decline their request. "i respect you, but i must politely decline your request." is actually what i would say. it may seem odd. but it was a first step for me. i hope this helps.

[traveller2]

Thankyou everyone for your replies.This has been the most eye opening and helpful threads to me I  have ever started on any forum.Its been quite challenging to me some of your replies but they have helped me no end.I won't elaborate on what I have learned but this has been really helpful and spot on.

[Xerces]

I wouldn't say it has anything to do with being too friendly. You can be super friendly and still not be naive or too quick to trust someone. Trust is earned, friendship is a two way street, if you notice someone trying to take advantage of your kindness you make them back the fuck off.