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How To Tell Christian Friend That I'm Living In "sin"?


lareason
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My boyfriend and I have finally decided to take the "leap" and get a place together. It just happens that the apartment we found is currently inhabited by a good Christian friend of mine from my church days who A) Doesn't know I'm moving in with my boyfriend and B) Doesn't know I'm in the deconversion process. She is a sweet, sweet person and has been very gracious in giving us some of her furniture and tips on the landlord before she moves out. I'd been trying to keep the "we's" to a minimum in my email but I guess I slipped up because she asked me today who my roommate was going to be and if she might know "her".

 

I don't know what the heck to say. I know if I tell her it's my boyfriend she'll be upset and possibly not speak to me (considering how other people from my old church have reacted to the news). If I lie, I'll feel like shit for disrespecting my boyfriend and "hiding" him. I wrote her back andjust didn't answer the question but if it comes up again what would you suggest I say? :-/

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You should tell the truth.  Isn't she likely to find out eventually?

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You should tell the truth.  Isn't she likely to find out eventually?

Well she's moving about 15 hours away so I was kinda telling myself maybe she'd never know.

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Just tell her the truth.  If she doesn't talk to you, that's her problem, not yours.  Living with integrity is far more important than pleasing everybody.

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Just tell her the truth.  If she doesn't talk to you, that's her problem, not yours.  Living with integrity is far more important than pleasing everybody.

Good point. My fear of being rejected is what is still keeping me in the closet from church people. Telling my non-religious friends was easy...I've experienced so much hate and condemnation from the couple of Christians I've told that I'm genuinely terrified to tell others.

 

But I guess this is my life now and it's not really something I can just keep from people. *sigh*

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Living a lie can be the most painful experience on earth. It's time to take courage. Face those facts...you are probably not going to get approval.

 

I lived with my husband first (because I never wanted to get married and he knew that at the time) and we got caught. I lost all kinds of friends. It just showed me that the doubts I had been having about christianity were true. If you belong to their cult...all will go well for you....BUT, if you 'buck' their system you will have to accept the consequences. I stayed living with my man and within 2 years I was totally out of christinity. Be free hon. There's is nothing worse then being behind bars.....you might as well be in jail. Those are just my own thoughts and feelings tonight. I wish you the very best!!

 

*hug*

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I would just tell the truth. If she decides you aren't worth it, then neither is she.

 

Edit: I don't mean to sound insensitive. I know how hard losing a dear friend is. It's just that if a friend is making you choose between her and your self-respect (which she may not do; we don't know yet) then you should let her go. You'll be better off.

 

But I really hope she decides you are more important than her opinion on how you live your life. Keep us updated. :)

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First off it is none of her business.  Tell her whatever you want or don't tell her but you don't owe her anything.  Feel free to ignore her question.  Feel free to tell her the truth and then tell her it is none of her business if she gets ugly.

 

Second of all, you are not living in sin because there is no such thing.  You are just living.  Same as the other seven billion people on this planet along with all of our ancestors.  None of the thousands of idols invented by humans ever cared what happens on this planet.  The gods don't care because they are not real.

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If you've had the strength to make it this far in your deconversion, then you also have the strength ot take whatever bullshit any christian out there has to throw at you.  Stand up for yourself and for your personal integrity.

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You guys actually are the best support group in the whole world. I hope you all know that :)

 

You're all 100% correct. If it comes up again I will just tell her calmly and if she responds like an idiot, well, hopefully she won't curse the apartment before she goes.

 

Margee, yes, it's incredible that people who called me their "sister" and who enveloped me with "love" for years have all suddenly turned away from me as if I have a disease. I guess they're scared they'll catch the blasphemy from me. Haha.

 

I've always had a hard time separating when there's something wrong with ME and when other people are just being ridiculous. This is one of those things where I was scared I would feel guilt or something similar if she decided to disown me...but you guys are right, if she can't accept me as a human being as I am, then she isn't a friend.

 

I'll be sure to keep you all updated :) The truth is, I'm thrilled about this move and thrilled to build a home with someone I love very much. Thanks again for talking common sense into me!

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I agree, tell the truth about moving in with your boyfriend and the deconversion process. But don't stop there! Tell her you are afraid that being honest about this with her is going to drive a wedge between the two of you, and that you value her friendship. 

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Living a lie can be the most painful experience on earth. It's time to take courage. Face those facts...you are probably not going to get approval.

 

I lived with my husband first (because I never wanted to get married and he knew that at the time) and we got caught. I lost all kinds of friends. It just showed me that the doubts I had been having about christianity were true. If you belong to their cult...all will go well for you....BUT, if you 'buck' their system you will have to accept the consequences. I stayed living with my man and within 2 years I was totally out of christinity. Be free hon. There's is nothing worse then being behind bars.....you might as well be in jail. Those are just my own thoughts and feelings tonight. I wish you the very best!!

 

*hug*

 

Margee, you are a wild woman! :-) ha

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My boyfriend and I have finally decided to take the "leap" and get a place together. It just happens that the apartment we found is currently inhabited by a good Christian friend of mine from my church days who A) Doesn't know I'm moving in with my boyfriend and cool.png Doesn't know I'm in the deconversion process. She is a sweet, sweet person and has been very gracious in giving us some of her furniture and tips on the landlord before she moves out. I'd been trying to keep the "we's" to a minimum in my email but I guess I slipped up because she asked me today who my roommate was going to be and if she might know "her".

 

I don't know what the heck to say. I know if I tell her it's my boyfriend she'll be upset and possibly not speak to me (considering how other people from my old church have reacted to the news). If I lie, I'll feel like shit for disrespecting my boyfriend and "hiding" him. I wrote her back andjust didn't answer the question but if it comes up again what would you suggest I say? :-/

 

If a Christian gives you any guff about living with the bf proclaim loudly, "We are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! Why do you look at the speck in my eye while ignoring the plank in your own eye....Judge not, lest you be judged" ... blah blah  :-)

 

It's really hard to believe in today's society that this is an issue. This is why being religious is like being in the dark ages. sheesh.

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.but you guys are right, if she can't accept me as a human being as I am, then she isn't a friend.
 
...............
 
There are people who you will meet who will be your friend whether or not Jesus is involved.
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Whatever you decide to do, it's ultimately your life, and your call. Your choices have nothing to do with her, and if she asks, you can tell her. If she's like I think she is, she'll throw a hissy fit over it, but you know what? She can get glad in the same pants she got mad in. 

 

Furthermore, what business is it of hers? It isn't your responsibility to live by her superstitions and social club rules, and you're not responsible for her feelings. It isn't up to you to babysit them. And if she decides you're no longer her friend, then it's her loss. You only lost someone who was masquerading as a friend, while she lost the real deal. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. I really hope it doesn't come to that for your sake.

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And if she decides you're no longer her friend, then it's her loss. You only lost someone who was masquerading as a friend, while she lost the real deal.

I like this. I would give it a point if I weren't on a mobile.

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I am only adding my vote to agree with everybody else.  It's your life.  You and your boyfriend have every right to happiness and your own choices.  I hope you two have a wonderful life together!  I wish you both a lot of love!!!

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My boyfriend and I have finally decided to take the "leap" and get a place together. It just happens that the apartment we found is currently inhabited by a good Christian friend of mine from my church days who A) Doesn't know I'm moving in with my boyfriend and cool.png Doesn't know I'm in the deconversion process. She is a sweet, sweet person and has been very gracious in giving us some of her furniture and tips on the landlord before she moves out. I'd been trying to keep the "we's" to a minimum in my email but I guess I slipped up because she asked me today who my roommate was going to be and if she might know "her".

 

I don't know what the heck to say. I know if I tell her it's my boyfriend she'll be upset and possibly not speak to me (considering how other people from my old church have reacted to the news). If I lie, I'll feel like shit for disrespecting my boyfriend and "hiding" him. I wrote her back andjust didn't answer the question but if it comes up again what would you suggest I say? :-/

 

In my opinion if she’s a ‘Good’ Christian friend as you say she won’t have a problem per-se though she will probably try to witness to you and bring you back to the fold.

 

The big problem I have with this is that if she is a ‘Good’ Christian friend why does she not know about your boyfriend.

 

Ok Ignore what I said above lol,  If she is a Good friend it clearly sounds she’s not but just a liar – So ultimately she is no better.

 

Tell her the truth and that she’s your friend and you want her to continue the friendship – tell her you understand if her beliefs go against her ethics

 

E.g. make her believe she’s shallow

 

Then when she feels bad enough say that Jesus always taught – Love the sinner, hate the sin.

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hehe thanks guys.

 

@amateur: thank you so much :)

 

@monkeyman: I guess by "good" friend I mean she's a sweet girl who I used to be a lot closer to when I actually went to church. That said, I haven't actually spoken to her in about 2 years (since I started dating my boyfriend), so that's why she doesn't know about him. I probably shouldn't have said "good friend", she WAS a good friend when I was in her environment. Now we are really just acquaintances but have sort of "re-bonded" over this whole apartment thing.

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I sometimes went to this kind of awkward conversation,

usually I don't answer until the topic changes or if they pushed, give the answer that is open to interpretation 

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