Jump to content

I Can't Stop Searching . . . . What Is Wrong With Me?


Guest
 Share

Recommended Posts

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced the obsessive desire – as part of deconversion – to study the bible and Christian teachings MORE than ever before.  I can’t stop thinking about this stuff.  It is driving me crazy.  I’ve actually had to start anti-depression/anxiety medication to help quell the thoughts and allow some sleep.  My graduate education is no match for the ignorance I’m feeling.  I have always thought that it required a doctoral degree in theology to properly understand the contextual meanings of Hebrew and Greek.  Therefore, I had no real authority (and certainly lacked the proper education) to formulate an educated guess (let alone an argument or opinion) about how to interpret the Bible.  I feel like I have swallowed the blue pill in the movie, The Matrix.  I don’t need to understand how the machinery was built in order to understand that it is wrong and doesn’t make sense, right?  Yet that is what I feel compelled to do.  So what am I doing now?  Every time I set the radio to “scan” on my long commute to and from work, I stop it when it lands on a Christian radio station that is broadcasting the sermon du jour.  (Even though I find myself talking back – even yelling -  at some of the absurdities that are preached).  I am also taking the Open Yale University online course, Intro to the Old Testament and plan to follow up with Intro to New Testament. And following this, as a matter of fairness to the “Christian perspective” I will probably take a more ecumenical Bible course.  I just feel that if and when I do come out fully to family (though I cannot imagine the hurt that would cause), I want a strong, educated, and informed argument for why I do not believe in Bible-God. I am having such a hard time just allowing myself this choice.  Has anyone else experienced this?    

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To various degrees, yes, a lot of people here have gone through what you are going through right now.

 

I think, in the beginning stages of deconversion, we actually want the religion to be true. Because -- we have an even bigger problem realizing just how BIG the lie really is.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

When I left the bible cult I had been a part of for almost 2 decades...I started looking at other types of xianity. Because the cult was so damned harsh,  I thought surely if there is a god, he's not like the horrible mean people in the cult. So I began looking at churches that taught different doctrines than the one I escaped...I couldn't read enough! I wanted to know, inside and out the how's why's of what this bible religion was all about.

 

I read books, read websites, read the bible...and I thought, a LOT.

 

In time when I finally realized it really really was all a bunch of man made bullshit, that is when i stopped studying doctrine and theologies. My mind had grasped how I was manipulated

and how men use religion to build their little kindgoms on this earth.

 

So don't feel alone. All I thought about, all I read was about bible religion. I'm so glad to have gotten through that because some, like my husband felt I was wasting my time??

But I felt I needed to find some answers and I could NOT let it go.

 

I weighed bible religion, it's god and jesus in the balance and found them wanting. I don't ever want to go back there again!!!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Marty

It eventually fades.  I spent the better part of 10 years studying and thinking about it all.  Then one day I pretty much lost interest in it just like that.  Eventually you come to the point where you've heard all the apologetics and there's nothing past that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes! I can relate. My initial doubts immediately led to a mad scramble to prove Christianity to myself. I was interested in biblical contradictions. I researched tons of them. Many of them can be reasoned so that they are not mutually exclusive contradictions, but others are admittedly copying errors. Some are content contradictions. One place says that god detests human sacrifice, yet in the story of Jephtah in Judges 11, he sacrifices his daughter as a burnt offering to fulfill a vow he made to god. God did not explicitly say he accepted it, but when Jephtah made his vow, god granted his request. I guess keeping your vows is more important that human life to god. Then there are the moral contradictions. OT god kills entire peoples, including nursing babies simply because they are in the way. Then the same god in NT loves the whole world and is willing that none should perish. Sure, apologists have creative and convoluted ways to excuse and explain these things, but why would an all-knowing/all-powerful deity who wants us to believe his word allow any level of human error and contradiction into it? We are told that the original authors were inspired by god so that the original manuscripts were without error. Except we don't have the originals to see if that is true. Even if it were true, why would god find it so important to maintain accuracy in the originals but not the subsequent copies? Why inspire the original authors and not the subsequent transcribers and translators? I would expect an all-knowing/powerful god who wanted us to take his word seriously would have made it so.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced the obsessive desire – as part of deconversion – to study the bible and Christian teachings MORE than ever before. I can’t stop thinking about this stuff. It is driving me crazy. I’ve actually had to start anti-depression/anxiety medication to help quell the thoughts and allow some sleep. My graduate education is no match for the ignorance I’m feeling. I have always thought that it required a doctoral degree in theology to properly understand the contextual meanings of Hebrew and Greek. Therefore, I had no real authority (and certainly lacked the proper education) to formulate an educated guess (let alone an argument or opinion) about how to interpret the Bible. I feel like I have swallowed the blue pill in the movie, The Matrix. I don’t need to understand how the machinery was built in order to understand that it is wrong and doesn’t make sense, right? Yet that is what I feel compelled to do. So what am I doing now? Every time I set the radio to “scan” on my long commute to and from work, I stop it when it lands on a Christian radio station that is broadcasting the sermon du jour. (Even though I find myself talking back – even yelling - at some of the absurdities that are preached). I am also taking the Open Yale University online course, Intro to the Old Testament and plan to follow up with Intro to New Testament. And following this, as a matter of fairness to the “Christian perspective” I will probably take a more ecumenical Bible course. I just feel that if and when I do come out fully to family (though I cannot imagine the hurt that would cause), I want a strong, educated, and informed argument for why I do not believe in Bible-God. I am having such a hard time just allowing myself this choice. Has anyone else experienced this?

I enjoyed reading that, it was like walking around in your heart for a weekend.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just feel that if and when I do come out fully to family (though I cannot imagine the hurt that would cause), I want a strong, educated, and informed argument for why I do not believe in Bible-God. 

 

I am going through the same thing.  As I prepare to come out to people that I care about, I want to have well researched arguments to fend off the inevitable counter arguments.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I just feel that if and when I do come out fully to family (though I cannot imagine the hurt that would cause), I want a strong, educated, and informed argument for why I do not believe in Bible-God. 

 

I am going through the same thing.  As I prepare to come out to people that I care about, I want to have well researched arguments to fend off the inevitable counter arguments.

 

I am doing much the same thing. The desire to know the truth and to be able to explain it to someone drives me to keep searching. I understand how you both feel. I hope I reach the level of understanding I desire, but I also hope that some day it will just bore me and I will search no longer. That will be a fine day indeed.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

When I left the bible cult I had been a part of ...I started looking at other types of xianity. Because the cult was so damned harsh,  I couldn't read enough! I wanted to know, inside and out the how's why's of what this bible religion was all about.

 

I read books, read websites, read the bible...and I thought, a LOT.

 

In time when I finally realized it really really was all a bunch of man made bullshit, that is when i stopped studying doctrine and theologies.

 

So don't feel alone. All I thought about, all I read was about bible religion.

 

 

 

Much the same as my story. i spent a few years of addiction level studying and researching. Tons of lost sleep and all that. I think as one poster put it - we want it to be true, because everything we understand about life itself hinges on it.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Many people experience what you're going through, and several people on these forums have experienced the never ending fear that the Christian "hell" might be real (in whatever form it takes, which varies somewhat).

Having been indoctrinated that Christianity is the one sure thing you can count on in life, it comes as a bit of a shock to suspect that you've been lied to.

But the great thing about becoming disillusioned is that you can shed an illusion.

It's like being told you have to walk around balancing a watermelon on your head and then learning that you can get rid of that burden with no ill effects.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"I think, in the beginning stages of deconversion, we actually want the religion to be true. Because --

we have an even bigger problem realizing just how BIG the lie really is." Fweethart

 

Faithfulless; Fweethart is right. It is such a huge lie that it's hard to wrap your arms around. It

makes Hitler's "big lie" pale by comparison. Thousands of years before Hitler those who began writing

"revealed" religion figured out that the bigger the lie, the more likely it is that it will be believed. And the bigger the lie the stronger will be the belief. As you well know, one can't reason with a

believer in a big lie, irrespective of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.It's the same for Xtianity as for any other mythical religion that requires absolute belief.

 

So we are all up against an enormous adversary. You are not in a battle with facts, but with strong

emotional fear....as were we all. But you will win because you have broken the barrier and once you

have done that, it is almost impossible to allow yourself to go back. Welcome. I look forward to

getting to know you. bill

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bit late on this one, but just thought I'd briefly answer the question asked in the title.

 

There's nothing wrong with you.  You are seeking to reinforce your current position and expose the lies of your past.  That's human nature.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Very common part of deconversion. Researching other religions is also common. Time is your best friend; this will fade.

Welcome to the forums!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes I feel this way too. I think about it frequently. I've wanted to study more about Christianity and the bible. I don't believe in  it any longer but I want a strong and valid argument as to why I don't believe in it, before I come out to my family or close friends.

But to be honest... even if I had 100's of good reasons why I choose not to be christian anymore, Christians don't understand. I didn't understand nonbelievers well when I was very involved in the church and surrounded by "believers", it's brainwashing. So don't expect them to completely understand you when you give a good and solid argument or reason for leaving.

I took an Old Testament class and I do want to take a New Testament class, just haven't yet.

 

 

I think with time I'll get over this craving for information about religion and their holy book, or atleast not be so fixed on it in the future. I guess it's just part of de-converting... one things for sure, I will never go back to following religion. I've been discovering so many flaws, I can't believe I didn't see it when I was christian. :/

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

When I left the bible cult I had been a part of ...I started looking at other types of xianity. Because the cult was so damned harsh,  I couldn't read enough! I wanted to know, inside and out the how's why's of what this bible religion was all about.

 

I read books, read websites, read the bible...and I thought, a LOT.

 

In time when I finally realized it really really was all a bunch of man made bullshit, that is when i stopped studying doctrine and theologies.

 

So don't feel alone. All I thought about, all I read was about bible religion.

 

 

 

Much the same as my story. i spent a few years of addiction level studying and researching. Tons of lost sleep and all that. I think as one poster put it - we want it to be true, because everything we understand about life itself hinges on it.

 

Hey Flutters, good to know I wasn't alone. :) The religion was what I ate and drank...the sermons, the bible studies...I memorized scripture. I was not a lukewarm believer. *sigh* oh well....

 

Anyhoo, when it all came crumbling down I was just a total

mess. Boy the internet was incredibly helpful! I found sites about Spiritual Abuse, read other people's stories and it really validated me. When i left the cult church, i received NO validation from the people in the church, just condemnations and judgement..."god just might kill you or your kids for leaving the True churchtm etc. etc.. It was horrible.

 

It is true, knowledge is power. I looked outside of the box for answers and then I realized WHY they never wanted us to look or think outside of the box!

It's good to be FREE...but was it ever difficult!

 

Take care

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced the obsessive desire – as part of deconversion – to study the bible and Christian teachings MORE than ever before.  I can’t stop thinking about this stuff.  It is driving me crazy.  I’ve actually had to start anti-depression/anxiety medication to help quell the thoughts and allow some sleep.  My graduate education is no match for the ignorance I’m feeling.  I have always thought that it required a doctoral degree in theology to properly understand the contextual meanings of Hebrew and Greek.  Therefore, I had no real authority (and certainly lacked the proper education) to formulate an educated guess (let alone an argument or opinion) about how to interpret the Bible.  I feel like I have swallowed the blue pill in the movie, The Matrix.  I don’t need to understand how the machinery was built in order to understand that it is wrong and doesn’t make sense, right?  Yet that is what I feel compelled to do.  So what am I doing now?  Every time I set the radio to “scan” on my long commute to and from work, I stop it when it lands on a Christian radio station that is broadcasting the sermon du jour.  (Even though I find myself talking back – even yelling -  at some of the absurdities that are preached).  I am also taking the Open Yale University online course, Intro to the Old Testament and plan to follow up with Intro to New Testament. And following this, as a matter of fairness to the “Christian perspective” I will probably take a more ecumenical Bible course.  I just feel that if and when I do come out fully to family (though I cannot imagine the hurt that would cause), I want a strong, educated, and informed argument for why I do not believe in Bible-God. I am having such a hard time just allowing myself this choice.  Has anyone else experienced this?    

 

I was pretty lukewarm the whole time I was a Christian. The bible wasn't very interesting so I didnt read it like I was supposed to. :-)  I dont think I'd bother with all those courses if you are now a non-believer. One good answer whether you know anything about the bible or not is, "The  bible is BS." Even if you know all the arguments against the bible, the brainwashed will still insist that it's absolutely true even if they have no logic to back it up. They will make up some crap on the fly like the apologists here on this forum do. They will present some absurd crap and insist they're right and you're wrong.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Faithfuless: Look at your deconversion like you would withdrawal from an addictive drug. You're going

through withdrawal symptoms which are every bit as difficult as real drugs. bill

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Super Moderator

Faithfuless: Look at your deconversion like you would withdrawal from an addictive drug. You're going

through withdrawal symptoms which are every bit as difficult as real drugs. bill

Not to mention that learning about  the nature of the drug (religion) as well as the psychology behind addiction (to either drug or religion) is all part of the process of recovery.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ditto most of the thread. It just gets old. I rarely poke my nose in the religious areas of the forum anymore. Sometimes when the odd mood strikes me, but I have little to no interest in actually discussing the matter anymore.

 

I used too, I actually have a nice collection of holy books and tomes, read all of them several times, and debated and argued at length about it.

 

One day I realized I didn't want to anymore. No real reason beyond it just got old. Now if it comes up I simply state that I refuse to discuss the existence of God until the term is clearly defined with a majority consensus of the definition. I'm sure you can guess the chances of that happening.

 

You'll get over it. It's an interesting study for a while, but it doesn't take as long as you think to exhaust it to the point you don't really consider it worth the effort anymore.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can so relate to this. For me personally, its been tied in with tightly with coming to terms with a "flawed" me - my beliefs have told me that I need to be a "good" person; its part of my nature. Reading the Bible and other religions to enforce my sense of "morality" I think is normal. Even stuff like "doing what Jesus did" and "saving the world for God". This is stuff I've believed in for a long time, coming out of it is strange and new.

 

But I'm starting to realize now that I just need to accept myself for who I am. Beautifully "imperfect". Still kids in our understanding of how everything works, and still learning about this incredible existence that we have.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What has helped me is to read and listen to more atheist stuff, and science stuff as well.  There are dozens of good atheist podcasts out there that are informative, entertaining and encouragine.. Living After Faith, Atheist Experience, the Non Prophets, Ask an Atheist are a few that i subscribe to. 

 

Also, youtube debates.  When I watch Christians and atheists debate in formal settings, the atheists almost always seem to win out.  Christopher Hitchens (RIP) is probably the best one, but I also enjoy Dawkins and Harris as well.

 

The more I listen to this stuff, the harder it is to listen to pastors and theologians.  I feel my perspective has broadened quite a bit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some feel the need to dig their way out using theology. I assure you there are far more efficient ways. Giving the Bible credence means you are still at least partially trapped by the religion. The book is neither clear nor profound.

 

instead of following all the endless rabbit trails, do yourself a favor and read a good critical thinking book. The alternative is to fight with the invisible make believe leviathan and potentially go beautiful mind.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.