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Goodbye Jesus

When You Have Evidence For God


directionless

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I have had experiences while a believer that seemed to be evidence of the reality of the Christian god. Three times I heard a clear spoken voice giving me direction, once with info I couldn't have known. I felt other manifestations of power coursing through me. I've wondered after deconverting what those things actually were. I know that they were not the god of the Bible, because he simply is not. So were they me, were they another non-corporeal personality, the collective life force, other? No idea. I've since experienced things like visions that could make me move toward spirit-guides, but then again I wonder about the reality of any such things. Since they all seem to take place when I'm looking for direction, and in a somewhat meditative (or intense emotional) state, I'm leery of giving credence to visions and voices. I know from dreams I've had that my mind is uber creative, and seems to teach me things in parable form that I've been mulling over.

 

I know that the bible god is not real, and other such gods are not real, and none of them seem to intervene when we could really use help. But there are aspects of this interactive guidance that are very intriguing and I hope to explore it.

Thanks, I'm glad to know you experienced things like that too.

 

If these experiences are coming from God then why do only a few people report them? I'm not virtuous or pious or more in need of God's encouragement than anybody else, so why would God encourage me sometimes and not more deserving people?

 

If these experiences are hallucinations then why do some people like you get useful guidance from the hallucinations? Also if I was having psychosis why didn't I have the other symptoms? My therapist admitted that my symptoms didn't match anything but nevertheless she was certain it was psychosis because she was an atheist - therefore it could not have been real.

 

 

I have to say I agree with Pawn.  I think you should see a psychiatrist.  I'm not sure what qualifications your therapist has, but even if she is a clinical psychologist, it would still pay to see a psychiatrist, who is the appropriate type of health professional for the symptoms you experience. You need a proper psychiatric evaluation, which should take a couple of hours.

 

 

 

Arguing against hallucination is the fact that I don't have the typical symptoms of any ordinary form of psychosis. I've looked through the text book descriptions and talked to people on psychology forums.

 

Textbook descriptions and forums are no substitute for proper medical care.  You are essentially trying to self-diagnose, which is never a good idea.

 

 

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I have to say I agree with Pawn.  I think you should see a psychiatrist.  I'm not sure what qualifications your therapist has, but even if she is a clinical psychologist, it would still pay to see a psychiatrist, who is the appropriate type of health professional for the symptoms you experience. You need a proper psychiatric evaluation, which should take a couple of hours.

  

Textbook descriptions and forums are no substitute for proper medical care.  You are essentially trying to self-diagnose, which is never a good idea.

Thanks, that is good advice. The psychosis was just a couple of weeks in 2009. I haven't had any hallucinations for about 3 years. My problem is when I try to understand what happened and why. I would probably be better off if I could forget the whole thing. That's what motivates my interest in supernatural and Christianity specifically. I think it might help if I could thoroughly debunk Christianity as an explanation for my experiences.

 

BTW I have been thinking about getting therapy again for a visceral disgust I feel around my brother who is also my business partner. I'm not sure if I would tell the therapist about the psychosis, because it might derail the therapy. On the one hand, the therapist should have that information in case it is connected. But when I mentioned these things to my last therapist it became the focus. Then she seemed to become frustrated and angry with me.

 

In my experience in the US, it is very hard to get psychotherapy. I think the liability insurance, insurance paperwork, and so forth have made it no longer cost effective. They tend to prescribe a drug and then adjust the dosage periodically instead of trying to understand the reasons behind the problem. Medical care in the US is like going down a conveyor belt in an assembly line. Everybody is focused on following a standard process to protect against lawsuits and satisfy the insurance company.

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Directionless:

 

Sorry for this long post. I've started and stopped on it several times as I have tried to piece this stuff together.

First of all, your experiences are real experiences. Note, I didn't say they were experiences about reality, but you really did experience the things you experienced.

Now, what actually happened? During the rainstorm, lightning struck near you, after you had asked God to show himself. So how do we technically know that the god showed up and not that the trajectoral path of electricity simply led to the space near you? You, as a human being, are very much a pattern-seeking animal. We humans see ourselves in everything. We see faces and hear voices where faces and voices technically don't exist.

A couple reasons for this: When you're looking at a cloud or the sky or anything at all, you're actually taking samples from the environment. Very imperfect samples actually. Not unlike what would happen if your cell phone camera were to go snap snap snap and take several thousand pictures. The firmware and software of your brain collates and constructs the samples into meaningful images.

I personally can't see, but I have heard things before. The same thing happens with our sense of hearing, albeit more slowly due to the physics of sound. Hearing is extremely imperfect and our brains make up the difference.

By 'make up the difference', I mean for our senses, our brains find the least common denominator for all the samples the sense organ took from the environment. The firmware in your brain, the stuff you were born with, can give you faces and voices. That's because your ancestors evolved to recognize faces and voices of humans, so they could be fed and cared for as infants.

The difference between firmware and software is that firmware comes with the device, in this case, your brain / body, while software gets installed later.

The software we get is all the experiences, and in the case of religion, indoctrination, that we have installed in us from childhood.

Because we are evolved to make sense out of our chaotic universe, we use everything we have at our disposal to do so. If we're already scared, excited, even euphoric, we can get even more of these types of experiences.

And, we are also evolved to stay away from dark and in light spaces. Dark is where predators hang out waiting for unsuspecting, thin-skinned, weak-eyed prey. Like human beings. Even dead silence is an unnatural state. I know growing up I used to hate dead silence, the way many sighted people grow up hating the dark.

I have recently learned that silence almost never occurs in nature. And as a former keeper of birds, I know you are never supposed to leave a bird in a silent house, for just that reason.

I hope this stuff helps you. It makes sense to me that you are having these experiences. If you think about this, and maybe read up on how humans perceive their world, what we do in our minds to make sense of things, that in and of itself will be useful to your brain as it works to make sense out of these types of experiences.

So, at one point as a Xian, I thought the itchy goose bunps meant something malevolent spiritually. But now I know that is a biological evolutionary response, maybe even when having a dream.

If I heard a voice, I know now that humans are preprogrammed in the firmware as voice-recognition animals. I can't see, so i don't have images to worry about.

The lower responses, like the feelings you get in your gut? Those come from the autonomic responses from the brain.

An exercise I do now is experience what is going on, analytically observe if there is in fact any danger, and let my mind make its connections. Once you understand this is all part of the firmware / software, you can rewrite the software yourself. It's not a ghost or a demon or a god, it's your mind trying to make sense of the samples your sense organs took from the environment, and sometimes some of your autonomic (fight or flight) responses.

I've haven't heard a voice in the wind before. But in the day I do, if I am by myself, I'll ask it a question only a human being could answer. Of course, if the "voice" is in one's head, you could ask it what 3 times 3 is, and your mind already knows the answer.

But if you literally heard an audible voice in the wind, which I never have, you could ask it a simple question like what is 3 times 3, or what is the date today, and see if it can answer. Chances are it's the result of an air vent caused by a knot in a tree, a passage between buildings, or something similar.

Also, ask yourself if you would believe these same experiences if they came from a reader of horoscopes, crystal gazer, or some other persuasion you don't believe in. Because if your software is not already set up to interpret the world in that context, it won't make the same connections the software of the crystal gazer would.

Part of my deconversion, looking back, was a result of looking at what horoscopes actually said. They say nothing, and it's easy to see they say nothing at all, if you don't believe any of it to start with.

It has to do with the software having been preinstalled as a template for interpretation of your surroundings.

Fortunately, you can rewrite your own software. That doesn't mean you write your own reality, or any of that nonsense some name it and claim it Xians at least claim to believe. It just means you can use your new found understanding of how your brain works against preinstalled programming from religion, the Spook Channel, the Beyond Channel, the 700 Club, the Bible, the Psychic Friends' Network, etc.

You'll remember having had those experiences, but you'll see them in context.

Don't you remember having childhood experiences that you later learned weren't as big as you thought?

Here's an innocuous one from my own childhood: I remember being about 5 years old or so, being lifted "WAY WAY UP IN THE AIR!" and holding out a carrot "AS FAR AS I POSSIBLY COULD!" so a giraffe could take it.

What I remember is the experience of having fed a carrot to a giant bush. It was fun, of course. What kid wouldn't want to. I was told it was a giraffe. I'd even been shown a plastic giraffe: I couldn't see then any better than I can now. But in my mind at the time, giraffes must have bushes growing on their faces, sort of like walking trees. Rather than being afraid of a big animal biting me, as some kids might have, the experience was more like a giant plant sucking away the carrot out of my hand. That was a very real experience. But that's not what a giraffe looks like.

Also, around that age, I remember thinking airplanes beat their wings when they flew. After all, they go put put put put through the sky. Flap flap flap. Like plastic or metallic bird wings. I'd heard birds flying around in the trees.

Again, a totally real experience that I never told anyone, because I just assumed everyone thought this. Comes from not having the perspective of eyesight. Totally debunked when my father gave me a toy airplane, and surprise surprise, there were propellers on the wings. They were fixed wings that didn't flap!

Those are silly childhood ideas, in particular because I had no vision to give me a point of reference. Even my Wife, over the years, has frequently corrected some misconception that I had about the size of something or the distance between points that I had just assumed, even cleverly so with my mind, since I couldn't experience that without vision.

I think many of us are all learning that spiritual type experiences are just the same thing.

Let me show you one more experience, you might even get a good laugh out of this one.

In my early 20s, I lived in a basement apartment near the university I went to. One night, I got home from school and work, turned on some tunes, and lay on the couch for a power nap before going out for the evening. I awoke to the sound of footsteps outside my window. I was sure this was a stalker, maybe an addict looking to break through the window and mug me and steal my wallet.

My heart raced. I rolled off the couch onto the floor. Lying flat, I reached under the couch and retrieved a crowbar I had there for just such a defensive purpose. Being blind, I knew a projectile would be useless to me, but a striking weapon I could use with reasonable effectiveness. My heart continued to pound as I heard infrequent stepping noises outside my window. It seemd that, every time I moved it moved. Every time I stopped, it stopped. I seal-creeped backwards towards the phone, which I planned to knock off the stand I had it on, and call 911. I dared not raise myself up, thinking it would then see my face for sure and know someone was there, and break the window. After a bit of me slowly moving backwards, crowbar held in one hand (hopefully out of sight of the assailant), I heard it speed up and run away.

A few days later, in the rental office, they were talking about a raccoon back there and they were going to trap it.

My whole conception of maybe a homeless person, or a crack addict, or some other mugger, was probably unfounded. I later learned that that space had a very tall fence around it.

My mind was just filling in the empty spaces with something I was familiar with. Especially because I didn't know anything about raccoons, didn't know what they sounded like when they walk. I just assumed what I assumed based on context.

But the experience was very real. I was prepared to physically defend myself, I was in fact seal creeping backwards toward the phone. But that doesn't mean there was a stalker back there. I can't prove that what I heard was the raccoon, but in all probability that is what it was. There had been no sightings of human activity behind that fence, and one raccoon sighting, on the evening in question.

Comes down to probability. Was it a crackhead looking for money? Someone looking to break in and steal? That's possible. Was it the raccoon? That's a lot more probable.

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Being mentally ill or having a disorder with psychotic episodes, does NOT mean you are psychotic ALL the time.  I have a high-paying full-time career, I am a husband for 13 years, father of two kids, and I am NORMAL and stable 99% of the time.   BUT, I have had three full-blown Mania episodes with psychotic features.  I had to be hospitalized each time, because I was so extremely manic.  I was diagnosed by several doctors as Bipolar type 1 disorder, which is defined by having extreme manic episodes.

 

You probably don't have bipolar based on your symptoms, but you are most definitely having delusions and psychotic symptoms (possibly schizophrenia) , even if they are rare.  Mine are rare too, but I see a psychiatrist monthly and take medication, so I won't relapse.

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thanks, Leo. That is interesting about believing airplanes flapped their wings and the giraffe. It would be interesting to do a functional MRI on a blind and sighted person doing equivalent tasks. For example, see how their brains compare when working a crossword puzzle or playing chess. Or maybe make them read a passage from a book describing objects in a room to see if a blind person imagines objects in the same way that a sighted person imagines objects.

 

But I agree with your point about our minds filling in the blanks. That happens to me a lot - similar to your experience with the burglar/raccoon. I have noticed that it is hard for me to correct my misperception even after I discover a more rational explanation. It seems like our brains gravitate towards the most exciting explanation and have a hard time accepting the mundane explanation.

 

...

Don't you remember having childhood experiences that you later learned weren't as big as you thought?

Here's an innocuous one from my own childhood: I remember being about 5 years old or so, being lifted "WAY WAY UP IN THE AIR!" and holding out a carrot "AS FAR AS I POSSIBLY COULD!" so a giraffe could take it.

What I remember is the experience of having fed a carrot to a giant bush. It was fun, of course. What kid wouldn't want to. I was told it was a giraffe. I'd even been shown a plastic giraffe: I couldn't see then any better than I can now. But in my mind at the time, giraffes must have bushes growing on their faces, sort of like walking trees. Rather than being afraid of a big animal biting me, as some kids might have, the experience was more like a giant plant sucking away the carrot out of my hand. That was a very real experience. But that's not what a giraffe looks like.

Also, around that age, I remember thinking airplanes beat their wings when they flew. After all, they go put put put put through the sky. Flap flap flap. Like plastic or metallic bird wings. I'd heard birds flying around in the trees.

Again, a totally real experience that I never told anyone, because I just assumed everyone thought this. Comes from not having the perspective of eyesight. Totally debunked when my father gave me a toy airplane, and surprise surprise, there were propellers on the wings. They were fixed wings that didn't flap!

Those are silly childhood ideas, in particular because I had no vision to give me a point of reference. Even my Wife, over the years, has frequently corrected some misconception that I had about the size of something or the distance between points that I had just assumed, even cleverly so with my mind, since I couldn't experience that without vision.

I think many of us are all learning that spiritual type experiences are just the same thing.

Let me show you one more experience, you might even get a good laugh out of this one.

In my early 20s, I lived in a basement apartment near the university I went to. One night, I got home from school and work, turned on some tunes, and lay on the couch for a power nap before going out for the evening. I awoke to the sound of footsteps outside my window. I was sure this was a stalker, maybe an addict looking to break through the window and mug me and steal my wallet.

My heart raced. I rolled off the couch onto the floor. Lying flat, I reached under the couch and retrieved a crowbar I had there for just such a defensive purpose. Being blind, I knew a projectile would be useless to me, but a striking weapon I could use with reasonable effectiveness. My heart continued to pound as I heard infrequent stepping noises outside my window. It seemd that, every time I moved it moved. Every time I stopped, it stopped. I seal-creeped backwards towards the phone, which I planned to knock off the stand I had it on, and call 911. I dared not raise myself up, thinking it would then see my face for sure and know someone was there, and break the window. After a bit of me slowly moving backwards, crowbar held in one hand (hopefully out of sight of the assailant), I heard it speed up and run away.

A few days later, in the rental office, they were talking about a raccoon back there and they were going to trap it.

My whole conception of maybe a homeless person, or a crack addict, or some other mugger, was probably unfounded. I later learned that that space had a very tall fence around it.

My mind was just filling in the empty spaces with something I was familiar with. Especially because I didn't know anything about raccoons, didn't know what they sounded like when they walk. I just assumed what I assumed based on context.

But the experience was very real. I was prepared to physically defend myself, I was in fact seal creeping backwards toward the phone. But that doesn't mean there was a stalker back there. I can't prove that what I heard was the raccoon, but in all probability that is what it was. There had been no sightings of human activity behind that fence, and one raccoon sighting, on the evening in question.

Comes down to probability. Was it a crackhead looking for money? Someone looking to break in and steal? That's possible. Was it the raccoon? That's a lot more probable.

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I have to say I agree with Pawn.  I think you should see a psychiatrist.  I'm not sure what qualifications your therapist has, but even if she is a clinical psychologist, it would still pay to see a psychiatrist, who is the appropriate type of health professional for the symptoms you experience. You need a proper psychiatric evaluation, which should take a couple of hours.

  

Textbook descriptions and forums are no substitute for proper medical care.  You are essentially trying to self-diagnose, which is never a good idea.

Thanks, that is good advice. The psychosis was just a couple of weeks in 2009. I haven't had any hallucinations for about 3 years. My problem is when I try to understand what happened and why. I would probably be better off if I could forget the whole thing. That's what motivates my interest in supernatural and Christianity specifically. I think it might help if I could thoroughly debunk Christianity as an explanation for my experiences.

 

BTW I have been thinking about getting therapy again for a visceral disgust I feel around my brother who is also my business partner. I'm not sure if I would tell the therapist about the psychosis, because it might derail the therapy. On the one hand, the therapist should have that information in case it is connected. But when I mentioned these things to my last therapist it became the focus. Then she seemed to become frustrated and angry with me.

 

In my experience in the US, it is very hard to get psychotherapy. I think the liability insurance, insurance paperwork, and so forth have made it no longer cost effective. They tend to prescribe a drug and then adjust the dosage periodically instead of trying to understand the reasons behind the problem. Medical care in the US is like going down a conveyor belt in an assembly line. Everybody is focused on following a standard process to protect against lawsuits and satisfy the insurance company.

 

If a therapist seems to become frustrated and angry with you, it's time to find a new therapist.

 

It's not hard to get psychiatry in the US, provided you have insurance.  You just need to be willing to accept treatment.

 

For your set of symptoms, medication may be needed and is usually the first line of treatment.  Psychotherapy is a secondary issue.

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Being mentally ill or having a disorder with psychotic episodes, does NOT mean you are psychotic ALL the time.  I have a high-paying full-time career, I am a husband for 13 years, father of two kids, and I am NORMAL and stable 99% of the time.   BUT, I have had three full-blown Mania episodes with psychotic features.  I had to be hospitalized each time, because I was so extremely manic.  I was diagnosed by several doctors as Bipolar type 1 disorder, which is defined by having extreme manic episodes.

 

You probably don't have bipolar based on your symptoms, but you are most definitely having delusions and psychotic symptoms (possibly schizophrenia) , even if they are rare.  Mine are rare too, but I see a psychiatrist monthly and take medication, so I won't relapse.

I'm glad you have your bipolar under control through medication. From what I've read, people with mania do very self destructive things.

 

I don't know what was wrong with me. It's really hard to describe the experiences and when I remember I start feeling very emotional: upset, humiliated, helpless, angry.

 

My father's sister had a similar breakdown and she never relapsed. My mother had a similar breakdown an she never relapsed. They are both very religious Christians, because they interpreted their experiences as spiritual problems. I hope the memories fade. I would like to know what actually happened, but my memories are so scrambled I will never know... frustrating. smile.png

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I just started seeing an MD, he's a specialist psychiatrist/therapist combo.  I have no insurance, I pay out of pocket.  It costs me $225/hour, and I see him once/month.  The medication only costs about $9/month.  I figure $234/month is WAY CHEAPER than me spending all my money in a manic episode, or ending up in the hospital again with a $5000 bill.

 

My point is, all therapists and psychiatrist are NOT the same.  Some are garbage, crappy, and some are amazing, just like any other profession.

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If a therapist seems to become frustrated and angry with you, it's time to find a new therapist.

 

It's not hard to get psychiatry in the US, provided you have insurance.  You just need to be willing to accept treatment.

 

For your set of symptoms, medication may be needed and is usually the first line of treatment.  Psychotherapy is a secondary issue.

I just don't trust the medications. I have problems at times, but it's hard to know if they are a chemical imbalance in my mind or simply a reminder of disturbing memories from when I was having psychosis.

 

One time a year or so ago, I remember coming home and it seemed like every star in the sky was my best friend and in telepathic contact. I sat on my roof and watched a colorful lightning storm and it felt like it was my personal lightning storm. I think of the Disney movie "Song of the South" where the cartoon birds are flying around. It was a nice experience, but maybe it is a sign of a problem in my brain.

 

Other times, I feel like I know events before they happen and could even control them if I wanted to. It's like extreme deja vu. Instead of a single event, it goes on for several minutes.

 

And certain memories can make me paranoid. Like when I was psychotic, I thought a certain kind of insect was spying on me. When I see that insect, it bring back bad memories. Things like that.

 

Mostly I need to forget and move on.

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I just started seeing an MD, he's a specialist psychiatrist/therapist combo.  I have no insurance, I pay out of pocket.  It costs me $225/hour, and I see him once/month.  The medication only costs about $9/month.  I figure $234/month is WAY CHEAPER than me spending all my money in a manic episode, or ending up in the hospital again with a $5000 bill.

 

My point is, all therapists and psychiatrist are NOT the same.  Some are garbage, crappy, and some are amazing, just like any other profession.

thanks, I have a new insurance plan. Last time it was very hard to get psychotherapy in my area. A year or so ago I decided to try another therapist. I went one time and liked her. But when I got home I started having a bad panic attack that went on for several days. I finally cancelled the appointment, because I realized that was causing the anxiety. There is a lot going on behind the scenes in my psyche that I don't understand. It's like there are different personalities that rise up and say "no". I ignore them at my own peril. smile.png

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@Directionless, just to answer your question about blind people and the brain, we use the same visual centers you do, only they get rerouted.

You can find some interesting research on this on the Internet. 3-dimensional space, distance, texture, etc., all get interpreted as parameters by the visual centers, even if they come from different areas. And it doesn't take very long to reroute them if someone just goes around with a blindfold for a week or so, it'll happen.

 

Anyway, back to your thread, that was just an explanation for your question.

I agree with most on here, and I also have reasons for mistrust of medical people and their ability to disbelieve things. For many of them, if they see an disability be it mental illness, physical or otherwise, they draw shocking conclusions we would call racist if they were drawing them based on skin color, or sexist if they drew them based on gender.

But, where there is a rule, there are exceptions. I'd say, find someone while you have the mental means to do so. Look at it like making a rainy day fund for your bank account in case you lose your job. Then you have someone you can count on in case your episodes return, someone with whom you have established trust.

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Anyway, back to your thread, that was just an explanation for your question.

I agree with most on here, and I also have reasons for mistrust of medical people and their ability to disbelieve things. For many of them, if they see an disability be it mental illness, physical or otherwise, they draw shocking conclusions we would call racist if they were drawing them based on skin color, or sexist if they drew them based on gender.

But, where there is a rule, there are exceptions. I'd say, find someone while you have the mental means to do so. Look at it like making a rainy day fund for your bank account in case you lose your job. Then you have someone you can count on in case your episodes return, someone with whom you have established trust.

Thanks, that is good advice. If I ever start having a relapse then it would be nice to already have a connection with a psychiatrist.

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I think our psyche is a whole universe in itself. There is so much we experience and don't understand due to the way our brain works. How it deals with hurtful stuff etc. I am just learning about these stuff because I now am open to other possibilities then God and spirits and angels etc. Like yes psychology is not that evil thing the devil invented to delude people and give money to greedy evil doctors. It actually has science behind it and they do a good job in exploring the human psyche and brain.

 

I just learnt about how you develop coping mechanisms when you are a child in order to survive and be a good person to those who are in charge of caring for you. And that while you now as an adult know how to deal with things differently, your subconscious still runs on that old program when triggered. So maybe you needed that idea of a God who cares when you where a child for whatever reason. Maybe it gave you something, your parents where not able to give you. Some sense of being important or loved. And your subconscious mind is now searching for that feeling remembering that it worked when you where little...trying to reproduce moments that create the same experience. Like the lightning...you say you felt that God would care. I don't think your psyche made the lightning struck but the lightning was already on its way and your senses felt that...so your brain gave you the thought of asking God to strike you with lightning because your subconscious wanted that good feeling it gives you when you feel like God cares...hope that makes sense. I think those stuff is highly psychological. And it would be best to be conscious of this fact if you want to stay sane.

 

And like other people suggest I think you should see a psychiatrist.

 

Just my thoughts.

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I think our psyche is a whole universe in itself. There is so much we experience and don't understand due to the way our brain works. How it deals with hurtful stuff etc. I am just learning about these stuff because I now am open to other possibilities then God and spirits and angels etc. Like yes psychology is not that evil thing the devil invented to delude people and give money to greedy evil doctors. It actually has science behind it and they do a good job in exploring the human psyche and brain.

 

I just learnt about how you develop coping mechanisms when you are a child in order to survive and be a good person to those who are in charge of caring for you. And that while you now as an adult know how to deal with things differently, your subconscious still runs on that old program when triggered. So maybe you needed that idea of a God who cares when you where a child for whatever reason. Maybe it gave you something, your parents where not able to give you. Some sense of being important or loved. And your subconscious mind is now searching for that feeling remembering that it worked when you where little...trying to reproduce moments that create the same experience. Like the lightning...you say you felt that God would care. I don't think your psyche made the lightning struck but the lightning was already on its way and your senses felt that...so your brain gave you the thought of asking God to strike you with lightning because your subconscious wanted that good feeling it gives you when you feel like God cares...hope that makes sense. I think those stuff is highly psychological. And it would be best to be conscious of this fact if you want to stay sane.

 

And like other people suggest I think you should see a psychiatrist.

 

Just my thoughts.

Thanks, that is a good insight about coping methods from childhood continuining unconsciously into our adulthood. I was a strange child, and sometimes I feel like I never grew up or overcame my problems from childhood - just encased them in an adult body.

 

Your idea about the lightning is a very good guess. I needed God to pat me on the head and tell me I'm o.k. I had another religious experience like that where I dreamed that I had died and then I agreed with Satan that yes I was a worthless failure and should be annihilated. So I apologized to God one last time and then it seemed like Jesus was there saying he saw some good in me. I was very depressed when I went to sleep, but I woke up and felt hopeful for about a week. I like to believe in a God and Jesus like that. But maybe it is all in my imagination.

 

The problem with the psychiatrist is the way they always want people to take medication. Also, my last therapist seemed to overreact to what I told her. I assume part of it was to protect herself from liability because there are so many cases in the news of mentally ill people with guns. It made me feel very depressed and worthless to have talked for so many hours and told her personal things and then have her think I might do something crazy and was such a sick puppy. I know if I go to a psychiatrist they will want me to take medication, because that covers their butt. It makes me think of the lyrics to a Metallica song "Keep him tied up... Makes him well... He's getting better... Can't you tell..." smile.png

 

But I agree with everybody that I should get some more therapy. It's usually unpleasant, but sometimes I learn some things. Maybe I should read some books about psychology too.

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