Religious Fundamentalism Nearly Destroyed Me

[Merlin]

     My story is kind of long, but I really feel as if I need to share it in full.  I truly hope that it will speak to others who have found themselves in similar situations.  I have only been fully de-converted from Christianity for about seven months or so.  However, the process of getting to that point took many painful years that I sometimes wish I could get back...

 

     I was raised the son of a preacher.  On any given Sunday morning, if someone were looking for me, that person would almost certainly find me proudly sitting somewhere near the front of the First Baptist church sanctuary anxiously awaiting the arrival of my best friends.  While I waited, I would smile and give my usual 'hellos' and handshakes to the congregational faithful.  They would cheerfully greet me and ask me how I was doing.  Depending on what was going on in my life, I would tell a quick story about school or some other activity I was involved in, and they would listen to me with what seemed like sincere interest - always making sure to give me friendly advice if they thought I needed it.  After the usual Sunday morning small talk came to a close, they would make their way to their seats, and I would curiously look around to see if anyone new decided to show up.  Finally my best friends would arrive.  I would breathe a silent sigh of relief and quickly divert all of my attention towards them.  We would laugh and talk until the service began.  It wasn't the church service that my friends and I looked forward to.  We looked forward to the long afternoons after church that would consist of hanging out, eating snacks, playing video games, fishing, or whatever seemed like a good idea at the time.  Sometimes, we would even volunteer our time at the local homeless shelter.  We were really a great group of friends, and in the eyes of the congregation, we were the future of the church.

 

     This all sounds perfectly harmless doesn't it?  My dad was the well respected pastor of the local First Baptist Church, I was his progeny, and life was good.  This was a really nice setup as far as I was concerned.  I was surrounded by a strong and supportive network of people who would be there for me anytime I needed them to be, and there was never a problem that I had to deal with alone.  For example, when I needed money, I got my first job bagging groceries - the local grocery store owner happened to be a longtime member of the church.  I got to experience my first concerts, amusement parks, summer camps, girlfriends, and a plethora of other 'firsts' because of the church.

 

     All throughout my early years, church related activities were something that I usually looked forward to.  Because of my involvement in church, I managed to make a lot of good friends, and I created a lot of good memories.  I also got to live my life cheerfully with the full assurance that I wasn't going to end up burning in Hell like all the sinners that didn't go to church eventually would.  It really seemed to me like church related activities were a normal part of everybody's life.  At the time, I didn't really understand the concept that the world was full of non-believers and believers of other religious professions.  I especially didn't understand that these people had legitimate reasons for being who they were.  I was living life from within the relative safety of a church-bubble where everyone appeared to be just like me.  However, no false perception of reality can last forever, and as I got older, I began to face a multitude of social, economic, and political problems that were caused either directly or inderectly by the one-sided religious worldview I had been raised to accept as my own.

 

     The faith and beliefs that I had been taught to hold dear to my heart during my church years slowly but surely began to tear my life to pieces.  As my brain and subsequently my curiosity developed, I came to the realization that I had no idea what I was doing with my life.  I had never made a single real decision of my own.  Almost every relevant aspect of my personality and existence had been shaped by the archaic words of an ancient book that is also known as the Bible.  The real me was beginning to surface, and that person was frantically letting me know that he was suffocating.  He was starving for attention.  If I didn't do something about him, I knew that he would be lost forever.  In other words, I knew that if I stayed on the path I was on, I would eventually end up committing intellectual suicide.  The real me had shown his face, and that person was brutally unhappy and severly unfulfilled.  It was the most disturbing self-realization I had ever experienced.  It was more powerful than the day I said the 'sinner's prayer'.  I found myself in the middle of a life altering crisis that I believe had been created by religious fundamentalism.

 

     As I began to experience the real world via my job and high school, the problems I encountered threatened to overwhelm me completely.  To the average adult some of these problems may seem laughable, but for the aveage teenager, these problems were right next door to life shattering.  I will attempt to list a few of the problems that I was forced to deal with.

 

     First, I felt religiously obligated to look down upon people who were homosexuals.  This was extremely problematic because my favorite art teacher turned out to be gay.  Was I supposed to hate him?  He loved my artwork, and I loved his class.  He was a really nice person.  I'll never forget the day I approached my dad with this dilemma.  I had never seen him so angry before.  He stood up at the dinner table, pointed his finger at me, and asked me if I was a faggot in front of my family.  I knew that I needed to shut up or I was going to be in serious trouble...

 

     Second, I felt religiously obligated to take a pro-life stance on issues surrounding abortion - any other view on my part would not have been tolerated in the least bit.  Abortion was murder, and murder was wrong!  This view came under serious scrutiny when I began to consider serious issues like rape and pregnancy related death.

 

     Third, I was not allowed to watch certain kinds of television programs or to listen to certain kinds of music.  You can only imagine how awkward I felt when I had to tell my secular friends that I couldn't go to the theater with them on Friday night because PG 13 movies were full of sin and filth.

 

     Fourth, I was not allowed to listen to any of my teachers who taught me anything that opposed the Christian belief in a literal six day creation of the world by God.  Evolution was an evil scheme created by haters of all things Godly.  It was designed to draw people away from the truth!  I could tell that some of my teachers would have liked to use my religiously inspired ignorance as an example in class, but thankfully they had mercy on me and treated my ignorance with a fair degree of tolerance.

 

     Fith, I was made to believe that anyone and everyone who did not accept Jesus Christ as his or her lord and savior was going to burn for an eternity in Hell.  Unless you have experienced the sociological and psychological effects of claiming this worldview, you will never fully understand just what its like.  For a moment, try to imagine lying awake at night pondering how you are going to convince your best friend that he or she needs to get saved or else he or she is going to spend an eternity in the torturous flames of Hell while simultaneously being beaten to a pulp by endless hordes of cruel demons.  Add to that, the passing thought that maybe you weren't really saved either.  Maybe you were going to burn for an eternity!  Needless to say, the thought processes I was forced to deal with were emotionally and mentally damaging.

 

     Sixth, I was made to feel like I was going to be punished by God himself if I just got even a little bit out of line with the teachings of the Bible.  My father and several of the church elders had convinced me that God was going to strike me down if I didn't give into my 'calling' and become a preacher.   I actually believed in God, but I didn't believe that I was supposed to be a preacher.  I wanted to be an artist!  However, I didn't want to be struck down by God.  Nothing could possibly be worse.  I didn't want to end up in the belly of a metaphorical whale like Jonah.  Oh God!  What was I supposed to do?!  Why won't these people leave me alone?  Why would you put me through this?!  These were the painful questions that I wrestled with and the prayers I prayed.  This particular debacle and the mental anguish it caused me would have very well landed me in the psych ward of a hospital if it hadn't been for the kind concern of an older woman that I worked with who found me balled up in tears with stress related stomach pain in the backroom of my place of employment.  She had the guts to bring to my senses by using the right words to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me and that my father and his friends were full of nonsense.  Our chance encounter was one of the first real 'miracles' I think I ever experienced.

 

     Finally, I was made to believe that the Bible was actually the inerrant and infallible Word of God.  In laymen's terms, this means that everything in the Bible is true and without error.  This belief only exacerbated the problems I listed above.  If God said it, then it must be true, and the Bible is God's written message for mankind!  As you might be able to imagine, the combination of my strict religious upbringing and the self-hating guilt it so graciously endowed upon me left me in a very awkward, painful, and extremely uncomfortable position as it concerned actually living a normal life in the world around me.  My circle of friends began to dwindle at an unprecedented rate, and worst of all, I knew that if I went public with my newfound realizations and doubts, I would no longer have the support of my church or my father...

 

     Because of my personal experiences (which I have barely even covered) combined with years of heartfelt research of the Bible from a scientific, historic, and academic perspective, I have finally come to my senses.  I now do not and cannot believe in religion.  I also believe that strict religious fundamentalism causes huge problems that many people who have been raised in churches deal with.  Basically, religious fundamentalists believe that if it is written in the Bible then it is true no matter how absurd the message is or how much mental and emotional anguish it causes.  There is absolutely no room for interpretations of the stories or messages found in the Bible that incorporate science, logic, history, or common-sense based reasoning if the derived interpretations contradict or negate what is written in the Bible. 

 

     It wasn't until more recently that I was able to fully drive the final nail into the coffin of my religious worldviews.  Interestingly enough, I took a college class that covered the Old Testament from an academic and historic perspective. I walked out of that class with the full knowledge that I couldn't go back to my old belief systems ever again even if I wanted to.  To do so would involve the act of me willfully and wittingly lying to myself about the facts...

 

     My father has now completely disowned me.  Most of my family members have completely turned their back on me.  It goes without saying that I have completely lost the support of the church.  I have even been accused of being evil...  My longtime girlfriend of five years is the only real friend I have left.  She has come to many of the same conclusions about religion that I have.  Consequently, she is also the grand-daughter of a pentecostal minister.  We both still have a long way to go on this shared journey, but we have made a promises to each other to learn to live our lives again no matter how hard it may be. 

[Deva]

Imperialblue: Thank you for that testimony and welcome to ex-c! As you know, people who are not raised in fundamentalist Christianity cannot ever truly appreciate the damage it does to one's life and the extent the person has to go to repair their views of life to become anything close to normal. Many of us here (including myself) have only one or two friends, if that, and are completely alienated from having any kind of relationship with their families. You are not alone.

[xtify]

Welcome to ex-c, Imperialblue!

 

My heart goes out to you for all you've experienced because of your fundamentalist upbringing.  Being shunned by your family and church is a very painful consequence of being honest about expressing your doubts and disbelief.  You deserve to live your life without this unnecessary baggage.  

 

I can personally relate to everything you wrote above, with the exception of being pushed to become a preacher.  That was so unfair to you, and only shows how egotistical those people truly were.  I totally agree that religious fundamentalism causes psychological problems.  Having experienced it myself, and having seen the effects it causes in others, I believe it will only be a matter of time before the specific symptom cluster receives a diagnostic label.  

 

The good news is that you are now free from fundamentalism... atleast for now.  If you are still seeking answers, I would caution you not to get too involved in any new age type teachings right now.  Some members might not agree with me there, but I feel the need to warn you because of what happened to me and others after deconverting at a young age.  

 

My experience being raised fundamentalist left me with a lingering feeling that there must be some reason for everything that happens; and it left me vulnerable to falling for anyone claiming to have the secret knowledge of 'why'.  Sadly, I found myself reconverting at a certain point out of an overwhelming fear that the bible might all be true which seemed to be triggered by 9-11 and fears of the end of the world.  If you consider the analogy of fundamentalism being like an illness, then it is like an illness that you always carry that can resurface later in life when you are down, tired and at the end of your rope.  I would encourage you to continue to focus on being true to yourself and developing your potential.  It is such a good thing to have a friend who understands, and it sounds like your girlfriend does.  Best of luck to both of you!

 

   

[TheRedneckProfessor]

The problems you listed out brought back so many memories/emotions from by boyhood days.  Thank you for sharing and I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Ellinas]

Welcome.

 

This process must be extremely challenging for someone whose life has been defined by such beliefs and whose family and contacts are so implacably entrenched in them.  I can partly relate, but I won't do you the dishonour of pretending to have been in the same boat.  I am willing to thank whatever deities, spirits, flesh-and-blood people, philosophical ideas, concepts of the universe and memories of personal experiences that anyone may consider remotely relevant to the issue that, although I wasted far too many years in fundamentalism, at least I was not born and brought up in it.

 

So, what can I say?

 

Primarily, have the courage to be yourself.  That you have such courage is already amply demonstrated, but this is a continuous process that may take you who knows where; you will need to be prepared to face the practical issues of life without your previous support network, and possibly personal doubts as you come into contact with new ideas that are diametrically opposed to your old life.  You must not let either the ghosts of the past or the uncertainties of the future hold you back.  Sounds like you've started well, so I suspect you'll be fine.

 

And secondly, don't be afraid to shout out round here if you need any help or advice - there's an awful lot of experience to draw upon in the membership of this site.

[sdelsolray]

Welcome Imperialblue.  You exhibit clear, rational and sensible thinking well grounded in reality.  You'll be fine.

 

​It is sad that your peers (family, church members) are behaving as they are.  But that is not surprising, given they are addicted to the five items you listed in your post, among other things associated with that particular religion.  Their xenophobia, shallowness and hubris are their dysfunctions, not yours.

[Merlin]

Imperialblue, thanks for sharing your story. I empathize with your feelings of wanting back the lost years. I was 51 yrs old when I finally walked away from xianity. I am not out to everyone, only to the people who matter most. My parents are in their 70s and it is hard for them to understand. But they accept me. My sister's household are fine with it. My sister knows religion is crazy. I'm sorry you are suffering rejection by your family. That must be terrible grief for you. I am glad your girlfriend is with you, that the two of you have a similar view and that you support each other.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story Human. :-)  I consider myself to be extremely fortunate to have a girlfriend who is as understanding and supportive as she is.  I honestly don't know how I would be handling the life I'm living now if I had to do it all alone.  I guess that is why I think this forum is so important.  I know that there are a lot of people in the world who are going through situations that are just like mine or even worse.  Many of those people may only be able to find support by coming to a place like this.  I just hope that my story can help other people who are dealing with similar experiences to see the real light, find some comfort, and finally find their way home (metaphorically speaking). 

[Merlin]

Welcome to ex-c, Imperialblue!

 

My heart goes out to you for all you've experienced because of your fundamentalist upbringing.  Being shunned by your family and church is a very painful consequence of being honest about expressing your doubts and disbelief.  You deserve to live your life without this unnecessary baggage.  

 

I can personally relate to everything you wrote above, with the exception of being pushed to become a preacher.  That was so unfair to you, and only shows how egotistical those people truly were.  I totally agree that religious fundamentalism causes psychological problems.  Having experienced it myself, and having seen the effects it causes in others, I believe it will only be a matter of time before the specific symptom cluster receives a diagnostic label.  

 

The good news is that you are now free from fundamentalism... atleast for now.  If you are still seeking answers, I would caution you not to get too involved in any new age type teachings right now.  Some members might not agree with me there, but I feel the need to warn you because of what happened to me and others after deconverting at a young age.  

 

My experience being raised fundamentalist left me with a lingering feeling that there must be some reason for everything that happens; and it left me vulnerable to falling for anyone claiming to have the secret knowledge of 'why'.  Sadly, I found myself reconverting at a certain point out of an overwhelming fear that the bible might all be true which seemed to be triggered by 9-11 and fears of the end of the world.  If you consider the analogy of fundamentalism being like an illness, then it is like an illness that you always carry that can resurface later in life when you are down, tired and at the end of your rope.  I would encourage you to continue to focus on being true to yourself and developing your potential.  It is such a good thing to have a friend who understands, and it sounds like your girlfriend does.  Best of luck to both of you!

 

   

Thanks for the encouraging words xtify. You sound like you truly understand where I am coming from.  You also seem to understand how hard it can be for a person to walk away from something that has been a part of his or her life for so long - even if that something has become toxic and poisonous.  I have to agree with you about the symptom cluster (depression, confusion, anxiety, ocd, etc.) that comes along with a life ruled by fundamentalism.  I too think that religious fanaticism will eventually be treated as a type of mental disorder, and I hope that society at large will eventually begin to see the problems associated with religious fundamentalism for what they are.

 

I really appreciate the advice you gave me concerning re-conversion.  I know that I still have a long way to go.  Even now, I still find myself habitually whispering quiet prayers when I feel desperate, confused, and worn out...  I'm not sure how unhealthy that behavior is, but I do know that I need to continue to work towards gaining confidence in my own mental capacities without being so quick to crumble under the pressures of fear and uncertainty.  It's funny how fear is one of the main driving forces behind religious fundamentalism, yet the Bible says in one place that God is not a spirit of fear... 

 

On a more positive note, I am glad that it hasn't taken my entire life to see through the smoke and mirrors of religion.  I will continue to work towards independence from its unhealthy subconcious grip on my life, and I know that eventually I will be free.  Its good to know that there are people like yourself who are selfless enough to take the time to send an encouraging word to a complete stranger.  People like yourself are more appreciated than you probably realize.  Thank you.

[Abrooks2007]

"For a moment, try to imagine lying awake at night pondering how you are going to convince your best friend that he or she needs to get saved or else he or she is going to spend an eternity in the torturous flames of Hell while simultaneously being beaten to a pulp by endless hordes of cruel demons.  Add to that, the passing thought that maybe you weren't really saved either.  Maybe you were going to burn for an eternity!"

 

Oh, I know all too well.

 

I think the cruelest thing that a parent can do is disown his or her own child, as well as try to coerce him/her into doing something he/she doesn't want to do.  Yet, it seems that he suffers from a great ignorance...as I did at one time.  Ironically, as an openly gay man, I know how it is to have feelings of homophobia.  Growing up in a small town, my knowledge of gays was not extensive until I got older and did research on my own.

 

I think you made a good choice, choosing to follow your own path...and congrats to you for making it your own, and not allowing other people to coerce you.  In some ways, reading stories on here mirror reading stories of people who have come out as LGBT.  The same level of fear, intimidation, etc.

 

Continue to find your own niche.  You're doing an awesome thing.

 

Andrew

[M4rio]

Imperialblue,

 

Thanks for sharing your story with the forum. I didn't grow up with much religion, formally, so I have been fortunate to not have to experience family members shunning me in that same way. I am sorry you have to go through that. It seems so senseless and has to be very difficult :/

 

Looking forward to seeing you in the chatroom again.

Take care,

Co

[♦ Fuego ♦]

My little niece and nephew are being pushed into that very life right now. I'm hoping to be an influence on them, but I don't see them very often. I de-converted about 6.5 years ago, and not everyone in the family knows about it.

 

I had 30+ years of ardent faith, ate up all the young Earth stuff produced by the Creation Research Institute, studied doctrine and apologetics, and especially loved talking to "cult" members (only later did I realize I was one). I had a ton of questions over the years, but like many believers I put them on a mental shelf so my relationship with Jesus could continue until I could better understand. Of course, I found out later that I understood things just fine at the time and my questions were legitimate, and that no one really has a relationship with Jesus. He amounts to an imaginary friend, a sort of "emperor's new clothes" where everyone lavishes praise on this beautiful being who is in full control of everything, but who consistently fails to uphold his promises (due to a terrible lack of existence).

 

There are lots of others like you who have found their way out, and been cut off from blood relatives. However, with time you can find others who will fill that gap better than people who only want to judge you for being different. I read a statement today that I agree with "Someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a situation where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity, or your self-worth to be with them." My own family rarely speaks to me, but I've found some truly precious friends who share a similar world-view. Life is good, and I hope you enjoy exploring the rest of yours.

[M4rio]

That must be very, very challenging to witness that situation.

 

I mean, on the one hand parents feel like they have "the right" to "raise our kids the way we see fit", which in most cases is true.

 

But, then you've got this other angle, as someone with intense experience and history with that way of thinking, and a lot of frustration that you feel you can prevent someone else from going through. Or, at minimum, let them know that they are not alone if they choose not to believe all that stuff.

 

I suppose that sites such as this and countless other resources serve the function I'm about to propose, but I'm wondering out loud here:

 

Is there a way for people like us to be maybe more visible in the media in a way that is not explicitly aimed at "converting others", but in more of a "telling our stories" kind of way? Maybe a "Leaving faith behind" round-table or panel discussion for former faith members who can discuss their background and then how they changed. I mean, certainly people who listened and thought we are wrong are free to disagree, but having the information out there.

 

I'm sure such videos or audio recordings already exist, and I'm just not aware of them.

 

My little niece and nephew are being pushed into that very life right now. I'm hoping to be an influence on them, but I don't see them very often. I de-converted about 6.5 years ago, and not everyone in the family knows about it.

 

I had 30+ years of ardent faith, ate up all the young Earth stuff produced by the Creation Research Institute, studied doctrine and apologetics, and especially loved talking to "cult" members (only later did I realize I was one). I had a ton of questions over the years, but like many believers I put them on a mental shelf so my relationship with Jesus could continue until I could better understand. Of course, I found out later that I understood things just fine at the time and my questions were legitimate, and that no one really has a relationship with Jesus. He amounts to an imaginary friend, a sort of "emperor's new clothes" where everyone lavishes praise on this beautiful being who is in full control of everything, but who consistently fails to uphold his promises (due to a terrible lack of existence).

 

There are lots of others like you who have found their way out, and been cut off from blood relatives. However, with time you can find others who will fill that gap better than people who only want to judge you for being different. I read a statement today that I agree with "Someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a situation where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity, or your self-worth to be with them." My own family rarely speaks to me, but I've found some truly precious friends who share a similar world-view. Life is good, and I hope you enjoy exploring the rest of yours.

[Merlin]

I had 30+ years of ardent faith, ate up all the young Earth stuff produced by the Creation Research Institute, studied doctrine and apologetics, and especially loved talking to "cult" members (only later did I realize I was one). I had a ton of questions over the years, but like many believers I put them on a mental shelf so my relationship with Jesus could continue until I could better understand. Of course, I found out later that I understood things just fine at the time and my questions were legitimate, and that no one really has a relationship with Jesus. He amounts to an imaginary friend, a sort of "emperor's new clothes" where everyone lavishes praise on this beautiful being who is in full control of everything, but who consistently fails to uphold his promises (due to a terrible lack of existence).

 

Hi Fuego.  I understand exactly where you are coming from on this point.  Anytime I ever had a legitimate question about the authenticity of scripture, my father would throw a book at me.  As a result of this, I read many of the greats cover to cover multiple times including 'Mere Christianity', 'Evidence that Demands a Verdict', and 'The Case for Christ'.  The apologetic approach helped to keep me in the faith much longer than I ever should have stayed there.  Some of the apologetic arguments found in the books that I read were actually pretty compelling when they were viewed without any kind of cross-examination.  They would keep me hanging on just a little bit longer.  That is exactly where the problem lies.  I was never told by anyone in the faith to try to see things from a secularist point of view.  When I finally got the courage to take it upon myself to view the Bible from a non-biased perspective (at the risk of incurring the wrath of God), I began to see just how ridiculous some of the arguments for the authenticity, historicity, and truth of the scriptures were.  I soon found that in order for me to truly believe that the Bible was one hundred percent true, I would be forced to do logical gymnastics that no sane person would attempt if he or she were doing anything short of finding a cure all for both cancer and aids while simultaneously attempting to compute the last digit of 'pi' with only a pencil and paper.  I guess a moment of clarity overtook me, and I started to see things clearly in a way that was much like an out of focus camera coming into full focus.  A sinking feeling hung heavy in my stomach when I finally came to the full realization that I had been completely duped and taken advantage of.  So many years of my life felt like they had been mercilessly stolen from me.  Now, there are times when I find myself getting angry at anything and everything labeled 'Christian', and sometimes it is a struggle to keep myself from being overcome with hatred when I see 'good Christian soldiers' out in the public sector pushing their beliefs on the young and the innocent.

[bfuddled]

Thanks for sharing! I grew up much the same as you (minus the preacher father), and it's extremely frustrating to realize how much time/emotion/etc has been wasted on utter nonsense. I'm sorry your family is not accepting you right now, but I'm glad you have your girlfriend to support you. Hope you stick around and contribute!