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moanareina
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Hi everyone

 

Aaah, I could just scream out loud.

 

How do you deal with someone who constantly crosses the lines and enters into areas of your life that are none of their business?

 

If this was just a random person I would just quit talking to her and move on. But. Somehow it is not as easy as that. Because she is my birth mom. Every conversation I have with her on the internet ends up with drama and her thinking she had to tell me about where I was doing my life wrong. Just recently she told me that she thought my tolerance towards men would be too tight and that I would reject men because they where not on time and stuff like this. I know why she might think something like that but I also know that this has never been a reason for me to reject anyone. 

 

Talking about past events that affected my life always end up in her telling me that my parents did their best etc. While I know that I feel like she is not taking me serious. So I asked her why she always had to point that out and then she told me she wanted to put my view into perspective. Agh. Feeling so misunderstood. Trying to explain to her that this was not necessary and all...ends up in her telling me not being able to take critique and other stuff in this direction.

 

So turns out she sees herself in a position to give me critique...that I have never asked for. And while I am all for telling each other about our blind spots, she just is not in that position yet. We have not established that kind of relationship yet...and it all has to do with her wanting to tell me about my weak spots since I got to know her.

 

I really don't know how to deal with this.

One part of me wants to run and leave her with her concepts of me.

The other part of me is like, be patient with her, she has been through a lot and it is her way to engage with you.

Now it is just very exhausting.

 

And it just irritates me when people poke their nose into stuff they have no clue about. Like why I am not dating right now and why it has not worked out with guys so far. Especially when they draw conclusions so out of place.

 

OK, breath in...breath out...moment...now...

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My parents like to do this to me too and it makes me upset. They like to make these terrible assumptions about me or my motives or what will happen to me if I do anything other than what they tell me. I want to run away too, and I usually do, but part of me still wants them to just understand me.

 

I don't know that I know how to deal with it either. We can't really control how people act. Sometimes that whole getting-into-other-people's-business thing is a long-standing part of someone's personality. Or it may be that because they are parents that they think they have to be involved intimately in every detail of their children's lives and that it is their duty to correct or point out things to their children, even children of an adult age.

 

Whatever it is does not involve empathy, is a terrible thing, and can harm relationships. 

 

And it's annoying. 

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Thing is, when she talks that way to me I feel like she is thinking I was a little child that knows nothing of the world. She tells me stuff I have heard many times in same and other contexts and I am tired of that. Because if what she wants to tell me would be working...but it does not. That's why I look for other ways to deal with stuff. Now it seems she does not even consider me having thought about it.

 

And I always consider my words carefully and try to explain why I see things different or why she should not worry about my business with lots of patience. And what comes back usually is a very weird interpretation what i just said that has nothing to do with what I try to tell her. I really have a hard time to keep calm in that situation. So I just got angry this time and wrote her a more ranty answer...and then she plays the defeated and is like: Alright, I am wrong, you are right, I should have asked you and not just telling and she would not do this ever again etc. ... what misses the point entirely. I actually find this kind of reaction very condescending. Especially when she then adds I love you at the end.

 

And I know I might be a litte sensitive to this. But still...how can I not be. When people all my life tried to tell me what was wrong with me instead of helping me to become right? How does it help me to find a man (which is not a priority right now anyways) if someone tells me my tolerance would be too tight...and telling me this due to a story I once told her that she did not even remember right? How does it help me if she tells me I would be narrow and complicated? Yes, she really thinks this is a helpful critique...Even if she is right...how does this help?

 

I guess I take this too hard but I just have no other way to deal with this right now...and I wish I could get a hug right now.

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I'm a grown man with a child of my own and my parents still don't understand me.  Part of that is because they've never put much effort into it and part of it is because I eventually realized I needed to put some distance between myself and them for my own sanity.

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How do you deal with someone who constantly crosses the lines and enters into areas of your life that are none of their business?

 

 

 

 

 

From a distance.  At least unless they learn to behave.

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I've adopted this stance with my still-fundie family.  I told them all that I love them, that did not change with my deconversion and will not change.  I will do anything for them, I will be there for them.  I know they're going to try and keep pressuring with the christian bullshit, because they love me too.  

 

I just went in knowing that I will probably get the bullshit until they die or I die, but that's the burden I chose to carry because I love them all.

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Thank you guys.

 

While my adopting parents don't interfere with me at all...I see them maybe every three months or so and we hardly ever talk about personal stuff...only weather and sports (which is not really an interest of mine) and on the rare occasions when it comes to personal stuff the talk is pretty quick to be over due to a lack of honesty I at least can be real and try to have a conversation with my birth mom. Though she still annoys me. But after her telling me I was narrow and complicated which somehow hurt me deeply and I cried almost all day I finally was able to tell her why I reacted the way I did and she seems to understand. Even though she still gives me comments that are not really needed. Whatever. Life is not that easy for me right now because there is a lot of emotions that are involved because I try to remember certain things. Not because I want to live in my past but because I want to actually live in my present and I want to identify some of my current behaviors. If that makes sense.

 

And sure I am glad my birth mom is no christian. Makes talking real a lot easier even though it is not easy.

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