Jump to content
Goodbye Jesus

Maybe I Should Give Up On Deconversion?


directionless

Recommended Posts

De-conversion(deprogramming) is a difficult process. Sounds like you are in the doubting phase. Could you go back to believing in Santa, even though you know he's not real?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Thanks. Deliverance prayer - yep that sounds familiar. I had an exorcism performed on me. smile.png That is one of the dangers of well-meaning Christians - people don't get psychological help. But also I think Christianity helped me have hope, because I thought God would take care of me. So it wasn't all bad in my case.

 

For me the problem is insurance. In the U.S. the insurance companies don't want you to get therapy because it is expensive. They just want you to go to a medical doctor and let him/her prescribe an anti-depressant as though your problem is as simple as a stomach ache. Even the psychologists and psychiatrists seem to be biased towards solving everything with pills. I would feel better about taking medication if they were actually taking chemical samples from my brain to verify that I needed the medication. But it's just "how do you feel? ... o.k. well lets increase the dosage". But I know many people benefit from medication.

 

I hope you are able to find another therapist if that is what you want. I think I will try also.

 

I think you're right that the social problems that developed in adolescence may have been a symptom of earlier problem. It sounds like you had a difficult childhood. I don't know what would be my excuse for having psychological problems. My childhood was very ordinary.

 

Graphic design sounds interesting. I was pretty good at drawing when I was younger and have always liked art. I think careers that involve creativity are probably very difficult because good or bad depends on personal taste.

 

My problem with failing as a physics major is really silly. It happened in 1987, but I continue to have dreams where I'm back in college as a middle aged person wandering the campus like a ghost trying to start anew. Sometimes I think I might haunt the place after I die. smile.png

 

 

You know, if what I say does sound strange or so, just ignore. I sometimes think too much and too much about how I would deal with stuff and it is not always suiting other peoples situations. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

 

The question of hope would be, did it really gave you hope or just something to not give up. I think that is different. Real hope is something that is in reach. Christianity to me offers Fata Morgana hope. There is something on the horizon but as soon as you get closer it moves further away or even disappears. Yes, christianity probably saved my life because it is possible that I had committed suicide if I was not terrified to go to hell or to disappoint God and not fulfill my plan he had for my life. But then again I don't know because...I don't know. Maybe I would have done some crazy stuff that caught other peoples attention to finally get the help I would have needed.

 

I think we should not judge each others past. You know, yes my past has been difficult but when I lived there, I wasn't really aware that it was. It was all normal to me because I did not know anything else. And there are always things that can get in our ways, even with the happiest childhood. I just watched an interview the other day with a guy who spent 25 years in prison for murder and he said, he had a happy childhood until he went to school and was not welcome there due to his sensitivity. So he decided to become the one who caused pain to others. To be the hard guy. Now he found his soft side again through yoga and helps other criminals to find their inner peace and love for themselves so they can quit that cycle of violence they are on.

 

And I just did an exam that allows me to sign up at university...something that was always intrigued me but took me into my thirties to finally know I had the brains to do so. If you still think about that physics major, maybe you should find out what it is. Why it bugs you so much. In my class for those exams I had two women who where in their fifties and they wanted to get that paper because it has always been a dream of them to go to uni. I know in the US it is not that easy to go study because it is so hellish expensive...

 

Graphic design can be fun but there are many agencies where you have to do boring stuff...and you need way more self esteem than I had when I graduated. You need to pretend that you know everything and are able to do whatever in order to get hired or even to get an internship. At least that is how it appeared to me. I know I am not bad at it but I am not the best either. And I am more the art director kinda person who sees the whole picture, can give advice to other designers in order to make their work better. But to do that usually you work as a graphic designer for a few years first...so my plan is to do something like art director but self employed...more like consulting. Now before I can start with this I need to release whatever is blocking me inside.

 

As much as I know here too some insurance pay for psychologists and some don't. They have to pay for a psychiatrist though and if you have a psychiatrist who also is a psychologist you can do therapy that is covered. I too am suspicious of medication and so right now I try one last thing...meditation. But to be honest, I think meds are not that bad. Especially when they help you find a normal life and become the person you always wanted to be and think you are if you where not having those down times.

 

OK, and now I was talking about me again...you know what is best for you.

 

Whatever. I think you can give up on deconversion and just let deconversion happen. Maybe this is something to remember: As soon as it gets exhausting, it is not really you anymore. Follow what is you, your heart your wishes etc.

 

Good luck with everything.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know, if what I say does sound strange or so, just ignore. I sometimes think too much and too much about how I would deal with stuff and it is not always suiting other peoples situations. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

 

The question of hope would be, did it really gave you hope or just something to not give up. I think that is different. Real hope is something that is in reach. Christianity to me offers Fata Morgana hope. There is something on the horizon but as soon as you get closer it moves further away or even disappears. Yes, christianity probably saved my life because it is possible that I had committed suicide if I was not terrified to go to hell or to disappoint God and not fulfill my plan he had for my life. But then again I don't know because...I don't know. Maybe I would have done some crazy stuff that caught other peoples attention to finally get the help I would have needed.

 

I think we should not judge each others past. You know, yes my past has been difficult but when I lived there, I wasn't really aware that it was. It was all normal to me because I did not know anything else. And there are always things that can get in our ways, even with the happiest childhood. I just watched an interview the other day with a guy who spent 25 years in prison for murder and he said, he had a happy childhood until he went to school and was not welcome there due to his sensitivity. So he decided to become the one who caused pain to others. To be the hard guy. Now he found his soft side again through yoga and helps other criminals to find their inner peace and love for themselves so they can quit that cycle of violence they are on.

 

And I just did an exam that allows me to sign up at university...something that was always intrigued me but took me into my thirties to finally know I had the brains to do so. If you still think about that physics major, maybe you should find out what it is. Why it bugs you so much. In my class for those exams I had two women who where in their fifties and they wanted to get that paper because it has always been a dream of them to go to uni. I know in the US it is not that easy to go study because it is so hellish expensive...

 

Graphic design can be fun but there are many agencies where you have to do boring stuff...and you need way more self esteem than I had when I graduated. You need to pretend that you know everything and are able to do whatever in order to get hired or even to get an internship. At least that is how it appeared to me. I know I am not bad at it but I am not the best either. And I am more the art director kinda person who sees the whole picture, can give advice to other designers in order to make their work better. But to do that usually you work as a graphic designer for a few years first...so my plan is to do something like art director but self employed...more like consulting. Now before I can start with this I need to release whatever is blocking me inside.

 

As much as I know here too some insurance pay for psychologists and some don't. They have to pay for a psychiatrist though and if you have a psychiatrist who also is a psychologist you can do therapy that is covered. I too am suspicious of medication and so right now I try one last thing...meditation. But to be honest, I think meds are not that bad. Especially when they help you find a normal life and become the person you always wanted to be and think you are if you where not having those down times.

 

OK, and now I was talking about me again...you know what is best for you.

 

Whatever. I think you can give up on deconversion and just let deconversion happen. Maybe this is something to remember: As soon as it gets exhausting, it is not really you anymore. Follow what is you, your heart your wishes etc.

 

Good luck with everything.

Thanks smile.png Good luck on your efforts too. Also, you mentioned meditation. That is probably helpful although I can't speak from personal experience. (I have tried meditation, but it takes a huge effort for me to enter a trance where I feel some quiet in my mind.) But I wanted to also suggest that you might try exercising if you haven't. I exercise every day, and that seems to release brain chemicals that make a huge difference for my mood and psychological help. It's probably the same chemicals as the "runner's high". You need to do cardio and it needs to be long enough. Like I'm going for a walk this morning and I will probably go 2 to 3 hours. If I ride my exercise bike I usually try to go 1 to 1-1/2 hours.

 

Anyway, my exercise treatment for depression is the only thing that keeps me going through life. So I like to suggest it to people in case it might help them with depression too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Haha, well, I am a beginner in meditation and I am far away from entering trance...also my thoughts kick in here and there. But, I will keep on trying. I now tried some meditation that is lead by a guy who wants go bring you in touch with your so called inner child. So far there are no clear pictures coming up when I meditate and I don't know if there ever will. It is more like sitting there and listening, breathing...wandering off with my thoughts to come back... But somehow I feel like something is going on inside me and I will keep a critical eye on everything.

 

I know exercising is great...but thats where the problem starts...a lot of times my motivation is so low that getting out of bed when I don't have to go to work or work late shift etc. already is a chore. But I will start with yoga this week and see how this works.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Haha, well, I am a beginner in meditation and I am far away from entering trance...also my thoughts kick in here and there. But, I will keep on trying. I now tried some meditation that is lead by a guy who wants go bring you in touch with your so called inner child. So far there are no clear pictures coming up when I meditate and I don't know if there ever will. It is more like sitting there and listening, breathing...wandering off with my thoughts to come back... But somehow I feel like something is going on inside me and I will keep a critical eye on everything.

 

I know exercising is great...but thats where the problem starts...a lot of times my motivation is so low that getting out of bed when I don't have to go to work or work late shift etc. already is a chore. But I will start with yoga this week and see how this works.

Yep, I can relate to the motivation issue when you're depressed. It's easier for me to get motivated for a walk because it doesn't take as much effort.

 

Yoga sounds good (too difficult for me though). I've also noticed that simple things like sunshine and drinking more water seems to help me sometimes. I hope you find some tricks to improve your depression. I hate it when I'm in that state.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.