It Is My Fault, Not God's. He Is Perfect.

[Ranger26]

I get so angry when I get blamed for the fact that many things in my life have not been working so far. My mental illness intensified  when I became Christian to a point where I became extremely depressed about hell and constant "mind control and sin-managing" in my life. I got depressed about my friends, family,  and billions of people around the world not- being Christians and therefore on the path to hell. I had to drop out of school and get a miserable minimum wage job. In the meantime, i was constantly in pain with several injuries that just would not heal, and i prayed and prayed  to God for it to go away. I went to healing services, had evangelists who claimed to have a power to heal pray for me, fasted, proclaimed the scriptures, to no avail. I prayed and did the same for God to take away my mental illness so that i could focus again and graduate from my program and have a job where i can serve Him and help the humanity. Again, to no avail. God even gave me a vision where he says I would graduate from University, and here I am , dropping and failing courses once again, working same minimum wage job, and in debt, because of my mental illness.

Everything I did for God, the money donated, the Bible reading, the evangelism with friends, family and around the campus, the Christian events I organized, the fasting, etc etc did nothing, and brought no help what so ever. 

The ministers and my therapist claims that "what did I ever do for God that I deserve help. And how dare I asking God for help in the first place, he isn't my personal genie. " I get so mad, because didn't god promised that if we "commit our ways to the Lord, he will make our paths straight"? "That he knows the plans for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us", "that all things worked together for good for those who love the Lord", that "Ask and you shall received", that "whatever we ask in faith, it shall be given to us"? "that God is our father, and won't give us a rock when we ask for (bread? can't remember)", "God is my sheppard i shall not want", "he set me on green pastures..."

Why aren't these promises coming true? Why can't god heal me of my physical and emotional issues so that i can be a normal and productive member of the society? Why can't he send me a therapist, a cure, a teacher that would show me how I can study and be healthy again so that I can play sports and be a healthy 27 year old???

Somehow it is always my falt...nobody asked me to go to church, it was my free will. It is my fault i focused on hell so much and can't just trust God (have anyone heard of OCD and inability to focus on anything else if it bothers you)? But no, its my fault, God isn't to blame, he is perfect and "always speaks to me, I was just unwilling to listen and accept his guidance".

I ask, couldn't he speak more clearly then, so that I could understand His will?

Anyways, I just had to rant...i don't think there is anyone to help my but me. I tried asking God, i guess it's up to me.

[MerryG]

Damn, Ranger. I'm sorry you've gone through all this and are still suffering from it.

 

I hope you understand that this very thing -- this constant "you're not good enough ... you're nobody ... who do you think you are?" is one of christianity's most effective means of mind control. You've been conditioned to doubt yourself always and doubt god never -- even when the real-world evidence says god's the one you should really be doubting. So you slave and slave and slave to deny yourself and do somebody else's will -- and of course it never works! And never will.

 

If you're still involved with ministers or counselors who are handing you this creepy, authoritarian, mind-controlling crap, get away as fast and far as you can and get a secular doctor or counselor or both to help you with those mental issues!

 

Good luck.

[LukeExChristian]

this not the optimal situation to be in, but it is very honorable though that you're still trying to be productive and not using you past as an excuse to not be.

 

if i may re-iterate what merryG said, find a SECULAR counsoler

[ToHellWithMe]

The ministers and my therapist claims that "what did I ever do for God that I deserve help. And how dare I asking God for help in the first place, he isn't my personal genie.

This is indeed a weird thing to hear from a Christian! And you list the reasons for exatly why it is so. However, I as someone not-exactly-Christian, kinda think along those lines. I learnt it from Christianity, but never really cared much about it while I called myself a Christian.

 

Indeed, why should God help you? To a god we must seem pitiful, weak, self-centered, ignorant, proud without merit, self-entitled etc. To think that a god owes you a healing indeed seems presumptuous. If you are a mistake, shouldn't he just put you out of misery instead, supposing you're worth even that much trouble for a god? It's not like he owes you even that, but in case you could annoy him at least that much, you might merit a crushing poke. Of course, if god is above even that, you're entirely out of luck with the demands.

 

Then, there is of course the humility approach. The hope in that you are created for some purpose, and that you have some value to the god that made you, and that it should coincide with his schemes if you continue serving his purpose. That is also supported by Christianity as probably most everything is. However, I guess that for a religion it's easier to gain followers by sweeter promises than it is by offering a humble servitude to god.

[BendyLine]

Yeah, Christianity tends to fuck up your self reliance, especially when you've got ministers or Christian "therapists" giving you toxic advice. I've been in your shoes before, brother. It starts to get better once you see the self-abuse and self-blame for what it is, and let yourself grow some self esteem in its place. It's a struggle though. I hope you can find a good therapist. I've got a secular therapist who is doing me a world of good (although healing does take time). 

[rach]

When I was growing up in the church we were constantly bombarded with "god's great promises for us."  The minister would pull these promises out of the scripture: promises that if we followed god, spiritual AND material blessings would follow.  I was even given a book full of "gods promises" for me, which contained all the elaborate promises you listed above, such as safety, such as provision, such as not giving you more pain than you can bear, and even promises of joy and a peaceful life (God will always protect and provide for the righteous.  If you are in dire need, you are doing some kind of sins that blocks God's blessing).  They tell you to trust in these promises completely because if you do not trust and rely on the promise, then you are not having faith, and God cannot provide for the one without faith. 

But what happens when you do actually rely on the promise?  Then nothing happens, or you end off worse than before.  So you go back to the church and complain that you did rely on the promise and it failed you.  God failed to keep his word.  And then they turn a 180 and say to you "God never promised any of those things.  You are treating God like a genie and God is not a genie."  What. The. Hell.  You gave me a damn book full of God's promises last year.  You told me to rely on them.  You told me they were guaranteed or else God is a liar.  And so I put them to the test, and they failed, every last one failed, and now you are telling me that God never actually made those promises and that I was being greedy ("treating god like a genie") for expecting him to keep his word?

[Castiel233]

I get so angry when I get blamed for the fact that many things in my life have not been working so far. My mental illness intensified  when I became Christian to a point where I became extremely depressed about hell and constant "mind control and sin-managing" in my life. I got depressed about my friends, family,  and billions of people around the world not- being Christians and therefore on the path to hell. I had to drop out of school and get a miserable minimum wage job. In the meantime, i was constantly in pain with several injuries that just would not heal, and i prayed and prayed  to God for it to go away. I went to healing services, had evangelists who claimed to have a power to heal pray for me, fasted, proclaimed the scriptures, to no avail. I prayed and did the same for God to take away my mental illness so that i could focus again and graduate from my program and have a job where i can serve Him and help the humanity. Again, to no avail. God even gave me a vision where he says I would graduate from University, and here I am , dropping and failing courses once again, working same minimum wage job, and in debt, because of my mental illness.

 

Everything I did for God, the money donated, the Bible reading, the evangelism with friends, family and around the campus, the Christian events I organized, the fasting, etc etc did nothing, and brought no help what so ever. 

The ministers and my therapist claims that "what did I ever do for God that I deserve help. And how dare I asking God for help in the first place, he isn't my personal genie. " I get so mad, because didn't god promised that if we "commit our ways to the Lord, he will make our paths straight"? "That he knows the plans for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us", "that all things worked together for good for those who love the Lord", that "Ask and you shall received", that "whatever we ask in faith, it shall be given to us"? "that God is our father, and won't give us a rock when we ask for (bread? can't remember)", "God is my sheppard i shall not want", "he set me on green pastures..."

 

Excellent points to which no Christian ever has the answer other than you need more faith, need more understanding, need to be more humble, need to be more trusting, have you prayed more…etc, etc, I mean WTF. Either God answers prayers (as the Bible says He does) or He doesn't (or He can’t, or He is not  real) Believers have this uncanny knack of moving the goal posts when their magical claims are found wanting.

 

Why aren't these promises coming true? Why can't god heal me of my physical and emotional issues so that i can be a normal and productive member of the society? Why can't he send me a therapist, a cure, a teacher that would show me how I can study and be healthy again so that I can play sports and be a healthy 27 year old???

 

Somehow it is always my falt...nobody asked me to go to church, it was my free will. It is my fault i focused on hell so much and can't just trust God (have anyone heard of OCD and inability to focus on anything else if it bothers you)? But no, its my fault, God isn't to blame, he is perfect and "always speaks to me, I was just unwilling to listen and accept his guidance".

 

I suffered with OCD for years, and looking back, it was all but certain it was triggered by being preached at by a fire and brimstone Christian co-worker, at a time when I wasn't even out my teens. She “assured “me of the reality of Hell, so naturally my thoughts became obsessed with avoiding it. She basically robbed me of years of happiness, by “kindly” sharing her belief system with me.

I ask, couldn't he speak more clearly then, so that I could understand His will?

 

 

Anyways, I just had to rant...i don't think there is anyone to help my but me. I tried asking God, i guess it's up to me.

 

 

[wanderinstar]

I get so angry when I get blamed for the fact that many things in my life have not been working so far. My mental illness intensified  when I became Christian to a point where I became extremely depressed about hell and constant "mind control and sin-managing" in my life. I got depressed about my friends, family,  and billions of people around the world not- being Christians and therefore on the path to hell. I had to drop out of school and get a miserable minimum wage job. In the meantime, i was constantly in pain with several injuries that just would not heal, and i prayed and prayed  to God for it to go away. I went to healing services, had evangelists who claimed to have a power to heal pray for me, fasted, proclaimed the scriptures, to no avail. I prayed and did the same for God to take away my mental illness so that i could focus again and graduate from my program and have a job where i can serve Him and help the humanity. Again, to no avail. God even gave me a vision where he says I would graduate from University, and here I am , dropping and failing courses once again, working same minimum wage job, and in debt, because of my mental illness.

 

Everything I did for God, the money donated, the Bible reading, the evangelism with friends, family and around the campus, the Christian events I organized, the fasting, etc etc did nothing, and brought no help what so ever. 

The ministers and my therapist claims that "what did I ever do for God that I deserve help. And how dare I asking God for help in the first place, he isn't my personal genie. " I get so mad, because didn't god promised that if we "commit our ways to the Lord, he will make our paths straight"? "That he knows the plans for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us", "that all things worked together for good for those who love the Lord", that "Ask and you shall received", that "whatever we ask in faith, it shall be given to us"? "that God is our father, and won't give us a rock when we ask for (bread? can't remember)", "God is my sheppard i shall not want", "he set me on green pastures..."

 

Why aren't these promises coming true? Why can't god heal me of my physical and emotional issues so that i can be a normal and productive member of the society? Why can't he send me a therapist, a cure, a teacher that would show me how I can study and be healthy again so that I can play sports and be a healthy 27 year old???

 

Somehow it is always my falt...nobody asked me to go to church, it was my free will. It is my fault i focused on hell so much and can't just trust God (have anyone heard of OCD and inability to focus on anything else if it bothers you)? But no, its my fault, God isn't to blame, he is perfect and "always speaks to me, I was just unwilling to listen and accept his guidance".

 

I ask, couldn't he speak more clearly then, so that I could understand His will?

 

Anyways, I just had to rant...i don't think there is anyone to help my but me. I tried asking God, i guess it's up to me.

 

I can so relate to your struggles Ranger. What i can say is that once you shake off religion and find good secular psychiatric help you will find some relief. It takes time though, and a lot of hard work. I am so sorry for what you have been through. It makes me so angry what the church does to people with mental illness. I have Bipolar and PTSD and spent many years drowning, begging for God to help, trying everything pastors suggested I do, and yes, living with a great deal of guilt that I had somehow disappointed God or failed him somehow which prevented him from healing me. I was so sincere in my love for God and longing to follow his ways. It broke my heart to have him seemingly abandon me. Things got so desperate that I attempted suicide but that led me to secular help which got me properly diagnosed and treated. It has taken a five year journey but I am now stable on medication and weekly therapy visits. I was unable to work for five years and six months ago I finally was able to start working again, along with p/t study. I still have a long way to go but without abandoning destructive religion I would probably be dead. Sorry, I am rambling a bit. I just want you to know that there is hope for you to get well and find some peace. I wish you all the best in your search for a good therapist and perhaps psychiatrist. These will be key in your recovery. Take care

[Lilith666]

Some therapist. Why would s/he think that eroding your self-respect would make anything better for you? I'd say find a secular therapist.

[earthmama514]

I can so relate to this. I was diagnosed with bipolar and ptsd a couple months ago and the secular therapist said he would almost guarantee that my crazy strict religious upbringing triggered my bipolar disorder and caused the ptsd.

I have struggled with guilt for years over my inability to follow the "rules" correctly since nothing they ever stated came true. I would "call upon God" in a time of trouble and... nothing happened ever. Which made me frantically cycle over and over again because obviously I was doing something wrong. And if you dared talk about how God wasn't answering you then you were blamed for it.

 

I'm so glad I got off that crazy ride. For me cognitive behavioral therapy has helped tremendously. I'm slowly retraining my brain how to think differently. Its taking lots of work but every day I feel better and less crazy like I did when immersed in religion.

 

Find a different therapist. It should help you so much. Good luck.

[Guest afireinside]

I walked the same tightrope ranger. It's soul destroying(pardon the pun) when you give up relying on yourself and hand everything over to God yet receive nothing in return. If you try you feel guilty for not living by absolute faith, if you trust you feel guilty for not trusting good enough and couple that with feeling guilty for not measuring up or questioning God. Every good thing you do for God is cut off at the knees by feelings of guilt that you didn't do it Gods way or in his timing or with purest of motives. I find it hypocritical of a Biblical God asking us to prove our faith when he refuses to prove his existence. God has little or no faith in us to be able to give us faith, it's almost like he doesn't even exist. If not for ministers and genuine, obedient Christians who somehow receive Gods abundant provisions, healing, callings, carparks, miraculous council consent for building extensions etc I probably would say he didn't exist *tongue in cheek*

[rach]

 If not for ministers and genuine, obedient Christians who somehow receive Gods abundant provisions, healing, callings, carparks, miraculous council consent for building extensions etc I probably would say he didn't exist *tongue in cheek*

The thing that I've found really confusing and devastating is that I know a number of these type of people from my former church.  People of faith who seem to have god on their speed dials.  They have a need- boom- granted.  They have a desire- they go to prayer- couple months later, desire granted.  No wonder these people have some fucking solid faith.  I just can't figure it out because it does seem so supernatural.  And these are the well-off persons.  Then the lower class people like myself go to prayer, or rely on a promise, and come home empty handed.  If there is a God he is neglecting the neediest members of society in favour of granting trinkets to the bourgeois.   

For example there was a Christian woman whose testimony I read, and she had been having children and her testimony was that God always provides for her children.  So that she should go on having babies and indeed, any woman who refused to go on having babies was not trusting God's provision.  She gave examples of what seemed like miraculous provisions from God to her family.  She'd been in need of a vehicle and it arrived "miraculously" after prayer.  Her story seemed convincing that she was tapping into a supernatural power.  And yet all those African babies dying with parched mouths.....

[savemefromgod]

I am so sorry to hear about this happen to you like it does so many other people - being twice victimized, once by a legitimate problem and then again by an institution that claims it wants to help you.  I know exactly how you feel, and that is why I am so angry on your behalf right now.  

 

They say, "God helps those who help themselves."  Well then, I ask you, what is it he actually does?

 

The most recent example I can give is AA, which I have recently quit going to.  The fact that it is proven to be the least effective way to stay sober (think the highest stat I saw for it anywhere was 11%), is due to the fact that it is based on Christianity imo.  Every meeting the same sentiments are beaten into you:  You are powerless over alcohol.  You can do nothing about it; it has infected you and you are screwed.  You must turn it all over to a Higher Power (and the fact that they say it doesn't have to be the Christian god is a joke for several reasons).   Well of course, if you hear enough times that you are powerless over something and there's no hope, sooner or later you're going to say hell with it guess I'll just give in!  (And relapses are in fact par for the course there - though they are always YOUR fault, not God's.)  Since I left AA, my desire to drink has actually plummeted!

 

You and no one else will ever find help from people who tell you you're a lost cause, unworthy, and at the same time need what they are offering to be happy.  It is sick to treat other people that way, just as it is sick to think of yourself that way.  I say shake off the burden of some god who helps when he wants to and punishes whenever he can, and replace it with the burden of being in control of your own life, and dealing with your problems the best way YOU can.

[amateur]

It is nothing but cruel when the church denies mental illness.  Would they blame someone with a broken arm that doesn't heal because of not enough faith?  If they could get away with it, they would.

 

Keep away from them.  They are bullies.  Get real help.

[Guest afireinside]

There was a belief in my church that mental illness was in fact demonic oppression. If you struggled with bouts of depression it was always the devil or demons that were to blame and prayer was the remedy. If you remained depressed it was like a double blow-you felt like shit and you had evil spirits in your head which God somehow failed to remove. Antidepressants, I was told were unnecessary and that they blocked the Holy Spirits ability to heal. Either way you looked at it God was not willing to heal or your faith was inadequate which believe it or not actually exacerbates a believers depression.

[amateur]

^^The ignorance and cruelty in that church is beyond belief.  

[Castiel233]

It is nothing but cruel when the church denies mental illness.  Would they blame someone with a broken arm that doesn't heal because of not enough faith?  If they could get away with it, they would.

 

Keep away from them.  They are bullies.  Get real help.

That is so true!