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Interesting Comments From My Believing Spouse....


bfuddled
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I "came out" to my spouse about a month ago and, to put it mildly, it didn't go very well. There was the whole gamut of emotions from anger to tears, along with a few hours of debate. In the end, though, we came to an uneasy truce on the topic, although I was told that he would be praying for me.

 

Since then we haven't discussed the topic at all except for a few times that religion type topics have been mentioned and he has given me a "look", I think expecting me to say something rude/etc. I have held my tongue and stayed out of any debate, even though i've been tempted to speak up.

 

Today we were discussing holidays and how commercialized they are, when he made the flippant comment, "Well I guess now you're free to get into the whole Easter Bunny thing, right? Since you don't believe in God or anything anymore." I was a bit taken aback because he said it pretty sarcastically, and he hadn't expressed any anger (since the initial "coming out") about the subject. I just said, "That wasn't very nice." and then the subject was changed.

 

Later in the evening, on the drive home from the inlaws, I grabbed one of the free "Christian Living" magazines and was thumbing through it, when he said, "You know, I have always wondered what God's plan was if Adam and Even hadn't eaten the apple?". I asked what he meant, he said, "You know, what was the original plan? Were they going to procreate and live in the garden forever, or what?"

 

I had all sorts of stuff to reply with, but didn't want to come across too strong, so I just said, "Well, if God was omniscient, then he would have already known that they were going to screw up, so I would guess that there was never another plan, because he already knew what was going to happen, right?"

 

We discussed that for a bit, and I could see he was struggling to find an explanation for the fact that God basically set the whole system up without a "Plan B" (thus setting us up for failure, essentially), but at that point we reached the exit for home, so the topic changed and we didn't finish the conversation.

 

I'm not sure what to think about the comments, and I'm not sure if I should leave it alone or pursue the conversation.

 

 

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Give him more time.  If he brings something up you can talk about it a bit.  When he has had enough talking let it go.  The goal is to reach an understanding so that you will go on with your lives.

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that was a great reply using omni-science/whatever stuff,, that god need not a plan B....

 

kudos

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I had all sorts of stuff to reply with, but didn't want to come across too strong, so I just said...

 

I know the feeling.  When my wife says things like this, I usually have a very straight forward, brutally honest response pop into my mind but I censor it before opening my mouth.

 

I'm not sure what to think about the comments, and I'm not sure if I should leave it alone or pursue the conversation.

 

You know your husband better than anyone and know what will be the best for your marriage and for him individually.  I suggest listening to your intuition.  With my wife, it is better that she brings up the conversation and that I respond at the time rather than bringing it up myself.

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I "came out" to my spouse about a month ago and, to put it mildly, it didn't go very well. There was the whole gamut of emotions from anger to tears, along with a few hours of debate. In the end, though, we came to an uneasy truce on the topic, although I was told that he would be praying for me.

 

Since then we haven't discussed the topic at all except for a few times that religion type topics have been mentioned and he has given me a "look", I think expecting me to say something rude/etc. I have held my tongue and stayed out of any debate, even though i've been tempted to speak up.

 

Today we were discussing holidays and how commercialized they are, when he made the flippant comment, "Well I guess now you're free to get into the whole Easter Bunny thing, right? Since you don't believe in God or anything anymore." I was a bit taken aback because he said it pretty sarcastically, and he hadn't expressed any anger (since the initial "coming out") about the subject. I just said, "That wasn't very nice." and then the subject was changed.

 

Later in the evening, on the drive home from the inlaws, I grabbed one of the free "Christian Living" magazines and was thumbing through it, when he said, "You know, I have always wondered what God's plan was if Adam and Even hadn't eaten the apple?". I asked what he meant, he said, "You know, what was the original plan? Were they going to procreate and live in the garden forever, or what?"

 

I had all sorts of stuff to reply with, but didn't want to come across too strong, so I just said, "Well, if God was omniscient, then he would have already known that they were going to screw up, so I would guess that there was never another plan, because he already knew what was going to happen, right?"

 

We discussed that for a bit, and I could see he was struggling to find an explanation for the fact that God basically set the whole system up without a "Plan B" (thus setting us up for failure, essentially), but at that point we reached the exit for home, so the topic changed and we didn't finish the conversation.

 

I'm not sure what to think about the comments, and I'm not sure if I should leave it alone or pursue the conversation.

Whatever you decide, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Always works for me when I'm in a mental dilemma.
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Awesome!  The best thing is to wait quietly.  Let him think.  If you say too much too soon he'll just get defensive.

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Guest Marty

 

Today we were discussing holidays and how commercialized they are, when he made the flippant comment, "Well I guess now you're free to get into the whole Easter Bunny thing, right? Since you don't believe in God or anything anymore." I was a bit taken aback because he said it pretty sarcastically, and he hadn't expressed any anger (since the initial "coming out") about the subject. I just said, "That wasn't very nice." and then the subject was changed.

 

I assume your brand of christianity does not celebrate secular easter things like chocolate and egg hunts?  My church never cared and we did all the secular things as well as traditional things for both big holidays.  I'm not sure how I would have answered that, as I have stopped observing any and all aspects of both xmas and easter, but I think what you said was pretty good.  You nicely pointed out he was the aggressor and attacking you unprovoked.

 

 

I think you did very well. The next move isn't yours.

 

I second this, I think you handled both situations beautifully.  He brought up the subject both times and you refused to play along when he was aggressive, and calmly gave a logical, well reasoned response when he was open to discussion.  You gave just enough information to get him thinking.  I wouldn't do or say anything else until he brings it up.

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I agree with all the responses here.

The one time my Wife decided to talk about it all, it was mainly how She felt, and also asking if I was missing anything. But yeah, I would definitely let the spouse lead in that conversation. She was clear when She had had enough.

I admit, I have this tendency to want to make things okay. At that time, her words, "it can never be okay," But She has been reasonably satisfied I don't love Her any less.

I'm taking any future cues on this situation from what you did here, and what others have said. Let the believer be the one to engage the conversation.

Oh, and one thing that got me into trouble? Public comment on Facebook.

She recently got one, and took the following quote personally:

Philosophy is like being in a dark room looking for a black cat.

Metaphysics is like being in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.

Theology is like being in a dark room looking for a black cat and shouting, "I found it!"

Science is like being in a dark room looking for a black cat using a flashlight.

So, I keep my atheistic Facebook comments to only private messages or comments between people that She isn't following.

I got the feeling She felt I was rubbing it in. I'd forgotten She now has a Facebook. Good idea to have other fora in which to do that. I have this place and Twitter among others.

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Wow, bfuddled, you sound very intelligent, and you handled the situation with your spouse very tactfully.  Kudos to you.  Its so easy to plant the seeds of doubt, all you have to do is use logical ideas, like the one about adam and eve... that was perfect.

 

I also really like your non-aggressive approach.  You can just sit bakc and let him judge and argue, but you don't have to respond the same way.

 

It sonds like your spouse respects your intellignce, so who knows, maybe he will deconvert someday too!

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