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My Wife And I Maybe Splitting Up


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My wife and I had a hard sober talk today. We both admitted we aren't happy. For me, I think my lack of happiness is mostly circumstantial. I work weekends and take care of our kids during the week so she can go to school. I love my kids but just don't have any me time. But for her, she has always envisioned being married to a Christian man who will serve in ministry with her. That has always been her view and definition of a good marriage. We both love each other very much, and we are going to start counseling next week. I truly hope we can make it work, but at this point, it's not looking good. For her, the most important aspect of marriage is gone now that I don't believe. She has tried very hard to understand, which I appreciate. But it's wearing her down. I hate seeing her hurt. No matter what, I want her happy. If it is going to end, I don't want it to be because we didn't try all we could.

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That's an unfortunat turn of events.  Yes, try to work it out.  A third party counselor is a good idea (secular or Christian?).  But if the writing is on the wall, so to speak, move forward with the transition.  The childrens' best interest are of first importance.  Hopefully, each of you will act maturely, with integrity, and without selfishness.  Believe it or not, money is one of the least important issues.  Life styles can be and are often adjusted.  Although the process will be difficult and heart-wrenching, each of you will survive, heal and hopefully find a more meaningful life.

 

Good luck.  Stay true to yourself.  Protect your children.

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Sorry to hear.  That sucks.

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Sad to hear this, Neverlandrut. Don't have any words of wisdom. You both will work it out, and if you love each other as human people, that is huge.

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Sorry to hear.  Hope you two work things out for the best eventually.

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Kids can be really challenging.  My wife and I had a solid 7 years of bliss...then we had kids, and the troubles began...  No "me-time", hardly any romatic time away from the kids, etc.  We've worked it out so far, but we also don't have the religion thing dividing us.  My wife is very liberal, like myself, and my atheism only bothers her a little, but she is very open-minded, and not a fundie at all.

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Sorry to hear of your troubles. I have no wise words but I feel for you and hope you both can work together to find peace

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Just to echo what others have said, I hope you can work things out. I've never been in this situation before, but I don't like seeing people split up. Yeah, hopefully things will turn out for the better. Wish you all the best.

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Sorry to hear this. My wish is that this can be worked out. It's good to know that you are trying your best. That works well for you in the long run. Good luck!

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Sorry to hear. My husband and i went through a rough patch last year and I even handed him divorce papers at one point. We went to a counselor and it helped. Having a third party tell him all.the things I had been saying all along helped him see it and it helped me learn a better way to communicate. We still aren't perfect but that's mainly because I have recently deconverted and he hasn't and so now I'm struggling to find a new way to relate.

Sending positive vibes your way.

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I am very sorry to hear this.

 

Does she also feel trapped by the Christian unacceptability of a marriage splitting?  If so, the pressure on her will be so much the greater.

 

I cannot offer any solution.  Wish I could.

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I'm sorry to hear that, NLR. I have no words of advice because I'm afraid my marriage is headed in the same direction, sadly.

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I am so sorry.  I went through a divorce, after 15 years and 2 kids, and even though now I am very glad it's done, I would not wish that emotional wreck on anybody.

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But for her, she has always envisioned being married to a Christian man who will serve in ministry with her. That has always been her view and definition of a good marriage.

 

I hope the counseling is helpful. Maybe it will help expand her definition of a good marriage.

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I'm sorry to hear this, Neverlandrut. I wish I had something more encouraging to say, but I am in a similar situation so I can empathize.

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All I can say is that I feel for you, Neverlandrut.  I wish only the best for you.

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So sorry to hear.

 

Wow. Two people loving each other but one of them thinking love is not enough. That just hurts my heart. But it is so typical. In this religion there is so much attached to it. I hope your wife comes to her senses and understands that love is the real cause to be with someone and ministry is her own business if she wanted to be involved in it. It is sad to see how people think the other is responsible for their own well being...the insanity of the christian life. Why so many people go mental...probably.

 

All the best from me.

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Neverlandrut, I'm sorry to hear this.  My sympathies to you, sir.  :(

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That is really rough. I'm sure you two have tried your hardest to make this work. Many couples who divorce go through a phase where they wonder if there wasn't more that they could have done. But every couple does all they know to do at the time. You don't need to beat yourself up if you have done all you know to do and nothing has worked yet. 

 

I really hope the counseling goes well. You may discover in counseling that what you really want is to go your separate ways. That is perfectly fine. You get one life, and it would be a shame if you tried to make something work out that was clearly not going to, and ended up miserable. You may also discover that there is room for more understanding and empathy in the relationship. That would be great too.

 

Relationships are hard. They can be rewarding, but man are they hard. Good luck.

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So sorry to hear about your marriage struggles...

 

What I do hear that encourages me is that it sounds like you love her a lot still - you genuinely care about her happiness.  That is a positive sign.

 

My deconversion was pretty devastating for my wife.  She literally had to grieve the loss of the life she'd thought she was going to live.  I feel AWFUL for her. 

 

At one point, we talked divorce.  But went to counseling and are doing much better.

 

What is helping us:

- I don't try to deconvert her or point out flaws in Christianity.

- I try not to make her feel silly for believing something that seems to me to be untrue

- I live by as many Christian values as I still share - love, faithfulness, sacrifice, generosity, compassion

 

All the best to you.

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I am sorry to hear how things are going.  I hope the counseling is helpful for you both of you.  If you don't feel like the first therapist is effective feel free to switch.  The success of the counseling can depend a lot on the skill and chemistry of the therapist with the couple.

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Neverlandrut,

 

I am so sorry.

My wife has expressed things on my deconversion that can only lead me to believe She is going through some variant of the 5 stages of grief.

But, She had ministry dreams in the past, still may I don't know. Hers did not include me in ministry, only supporting, which I still would even though I don't believe, because I support Her.

All I'm saying is, this is a troublesome unequally yoked situation, yes. But add to it the ministry dreams, and now She has to have Her dream of you both as a ministry couple, die.

Try not to feel guilty about this. After all, it could have been that you two would have gone on to ministry together and it not worked out. The churches are full of would-be ministry people, good people, who didn't have the money or connections or other resources to get in somehow, and so their dreams have died on the vine. Not minimizing what your wife is going through, just saying, this is a dream of hers that has now died, or perhaps morphed, if she is willing to be in ministry herself and you are willing to support her efforts.

I hope you can get some help from both a Christian and a secular source. I say that, because many Christian people feel that a spiritual 'authority' has credibility based on their status as a believer and as an authority figure. The trouble with a Christian source is that they'll probably want to reconvert you. We apostates are an enigma to most Christians, I believe. The secular source could at least provide the practical tools necessary to aid in communication, if that is a problem.

One Christian on the Internet told me that it really helps if we use 'I' statements, meaning that we speak from ourselves instead of saying 'you' this or 'you' that, or deferring to counterapologetics, while dealing with relationship stuff.

There is a lot they say about the Christian marriage, in particular Christian man who is alleged to be priest, in many churches. Even if your wife is not talking about those things, others will be talking about them to her. I am fortunate in that my own Wife does not have these superideals of a Christian man, and She is not infantilized. But many Christian women are very infantilized, and imagine that without a responsible male to take responsibility for everything, their own lives will fall apart. I don't know if it's the y chromosome, the penis, or what. I never bought that whole line even when I was a Christian. Infantilized humans tend to act like teenagers and throw fits, and claim they just can't do anything without someone else in charge.

I sincerely hope your wife is not one of these, but is more egalitarian in nature.

You have my utmost sympathies.

Thanks to this site, you can see you're not alone in this.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Kids usually = no "Me" time. If she were to get primary physical custody, you'd have even less "Me" time in that you'd be working long hours to pay for child support. If you were to ultimately get primary physical custody, guarantee you'd still be working long hours to pay off the legal bills. 

Just throwing my two cents in there. I know it's not nice to read. 

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