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Goodbye Jesus

I Believe God Is Planning To Attack Me In The Future


rach

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Rachel, I was reading your blog entries to try to understand your background in case that might help with suggestions. It sounds like your biological parents were Native Americans and you were adopted by British parents who later moved to the America? And you mentioned that you are autistic and must live with your adoptive parents who are such extreme fundamentalists that school authorities worried about abuse? Also you mentioned dreaming about talking to your biological parents who are deceased and feeling guided to read certain books.

 

Let me know if I got any of that wrong.

 

It seems like there are lots of issues you are confronting.

- autism

- adoption

- getting back to your Native American roots

- extreme fundamentalist parents

- vivid dreams

 

I don't have any useful advice, but I thought making a list might help somebody else give you advice. Sorry again if I got some of the facts scrambled.

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I can understand the feeling of being so much different from my family. When I am with them I feel like it is my family but somehow I still don't feel like I fully belong to them. The same thing with my birth mom. This tells me that there are elements of culture that form our sense of belonging but also the fact that you come from someone physically. Then I think people who have been parted from their blood relatives are more sensitive because the trauma they already went through in early childhood.

I sometimes feel as if I was not really me. Like I am a different person inside then I am outside. And I often feel a numbness. I started to observe myself and discovered how I often dissociate. Means my mind goes just somewhere and I stare into the room feeling void until my mind comes back. This happens in all kinds of situations. When I am with people I am more aware of it because I lose the conversation and have to admit I did not listen to them when they tell me a story and ask me a question about it. So this can feel as if there is someone trying to torture you. Or whatever. Sometimes when someone hurts me my feelings take over and I feel like there is another being inside me. But it is not. It is just an emotional flashback that happens subconsciously in my brain and goes to a traumatic situation of my childhood.

 

 Everything you said I can relate to.  I have experienced all of this stuff all the time.  It's like this, all my hard-wiring all my ingrained tendencies came from mum and dad (which they got from their ancestors and so forth).  So although I've spent my full life in the adopted family I have a very different hard-wiring to them.  My preferences, my attitudes, my emotional responses are often very different to theirs.  Sometimes I see a picture of them and have to remind myself that that is my family. 

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It seems like there are lots of issues you are confronting.

- autism

- adoption

- getting back to your Native American roots

- extreme fundamentalist parents

- vivid dreams

 

Yes all of that is correct.  My adoptive family did not abuse me they really care for me very much and have treated me the same as the other children.  In fact I think sometimes I get the preferential treatment and sometimes I wear the "favored child" cap so to speak.  But the school was worried for awhile because my parents religion was so intense that I was afraid of many subjects in school and showing too much anxiety.  Anything that contradicted Christianity would give me anxiety at school because I was not allowed to hear that stuff.  Sometimes I would refuse to do projects and things because I was afraid of taking it home and my adoptive parents getting angry about it.  So yeah they are very intense fundamentalists and we have had a lot of struggles with them struggling to understand my background and me trying to understand theirs.  Past few years they've loosened up a bit and I thin they are more willing to accept my differences than they used to be.  They grew up with all kinds of nonsense ideas about native people and I understand all these misconceptions are not their fault. 

I do see and speak to my deceased parents in my dreams usually the content is that they feel that I was supposed to have been with them and they are quite traumatized by the separation.  We were not together for very long at all but were a very close family so the sudden separation was traumatic for everyone. 

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Here are some ideas (not sure if they are good):

 

- Tell your mother your worries if you haven't (your own dream, the cat hissing, the TV show, etc.)

 

- Plan ways to deal with possible crime (pepper spray, burglar alarms, surveillance cameras, etc.)

 

- I suspect spirituality is connected with the Native American culture of your biological parents in your mind and that makes it hard for you to discard it. You believe it is in your genes, but maybe it's more of an emotional attachment. Maybe working through the issues of being adopted might help you?

 

- Be sure to get plenty of sleep and relaxation.

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rach

 

You are dealing with a whole lot of issues. Do you have professional help to dig through your problems? Do you meet people who have native roots in order to find out more about yourself? Have you talked to other adopted people, maybe even natives?

I think your issues are not uncommon. Like people who have been adopted from other nations get some understanding of their own person when going to their country of origin and experience their very culture.

Even for me to remember my family of origin and what family culture they had helps me. For example my grandma was a crafts teacher and so I used to do a lot of crafting when I was with my grandparents (which was pretty much every weekend). Then they loved books and culture like theatre, classical music, art. All that had been missing in my adopting family. So just this year I discovered my love for culture. For example I love poetry slams. Or improv theatre. Or I really loved to educate myself in German literature history for the exams I was preparing myself for. I love knowledge and education. That's something that clearly does not come from my adopting family but my family of origin. And so I try to bring those things into my life because they belong to me. I started to do crafts and it is fun.

I know, this all has not much to do with your struggle about God but hey, it really helps to keep yourself busy with stuff you love and are part of you. Find out what that is. Find likeminded people.

 

Also if your parents are fundamentalist, they might apply behavior that is abusive but hard to detect. Like indoctrinating. As you describe you where afraid of certain topics at school. That tells me you where indoctrinated by your parents and that is some sort of abuse. Of course they did not mean bad. They actually thought they did the best for you according to their own brainwashed minds. So if there is a way to get some distance to your parents, that would also help.

 

And just want to send a big hug to you!

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if god wanted to kill you, you would be dead. is what comes to my mind. nightmares suck. they happen to all of us. but i feel that if god wanted to point out something to you, i feel he'd do it while you're wide awake. and your anxiety is what could cause these dreams

Completely true.

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 it is the fact that psychopaths and that sort do exist and no one can be safe from them.  

 

Yes psychopaths do exist but I disagree with your view about no one being safe from them.  As long as you don't date one or let one into your house, you will be ok.  I get that you are feeling very afraid... could this be severe anxiety?  Anxiety disorders are treatable.  Have you discussed this with your doctor or a therapist?

 

How can I be safe from them?  I cross paths with many people I mean strangers each day and have no idea what any of them are thinking or capable of.  I took a course once called Criminal Justice.  In that course we learnt about psychopaths.  We learnt that the psychopaths blended in and that the victims could not tell they were being lured into dangerous situations. 

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 it is the fact that psychopaths and that sort do exist and no one can be safe from them.  

 

Yes psychopaths do exist but I disagree with your view about no one being safe from them.  As long as you don't date one or let one into your house, you will be ok.  I get that you are feeling very afraid... could this be severe anxiety?  Anxiety disorders are treatable.  Have you discussed this with your doctor or a therapist?

 

How can I be safe from them?  I cross paths with many people I mean strangers each day and have no idea what any of them are thinking or capable of.  I took a course once called Criminal Justice.  In that course we learnt about psychopaths.  We learnt that the psychopaths blended in and that the victims could not tell they were being lured into dangerous situations. 

 

 

But isn't it different if the prospect victim knows about the tricks and tactics of psychopaths? Is this not just the victim that has no idea such people actually exist?

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 it is the fact that psychopaths and that sort do exist and no one can be safe from them.  

 

Yes psychopaths do exist but I disagree with your view about no one being safe from them.  As long as you don't date one or let one into your house, you will be ok.  I get that you are feeling very afraid... could this be severe anxiety?  Anxiety disorders are treatable.  Have you discussed this with your doctor or a therapist?

 

How can I be safe from them?  I cross paths with many people I mean strangers each day and have no idea what any of them are thinking or capable of.  I took a course once called Criminal Justice.  In that course we learnt about psychopaths.  We learnt that the psychopaths blended in and that the victims could not tell they were being lured into dangerous situations. 

 

This is a bit like being afraid to cross the street because drunk drivers exist.

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 it is the fact that psychopaths and that sort do exist and no one can be safe from them.  

 

Yes psychopaths do exist but I disagree with your view about no one being safe from them.  As long as you don't date one or let one into your house, you will be ok.  I get that you are feeling very afraid... could this be severe anxiety?  Anxiety disorders are treatable.  Have you discussed this with your doctor or a therapist?

 

How can I be safe from them?  I cross paths with many people I mean strangers each day and have no idea what any of them are thinking or capable of.  I took a course once called Criminal Justice.  In that course we learnt about psychopaths.  We learnt that the psychopaths blended in and that the victims could not tell they were being lured into dangerous situations. 

 

This is a bit like being afraid to cross the street because drunk drivers exist.

 

And it's exactly what one would expect to see where an anxiety disorder is present.  Situations that do not cause anxiety to most people cause irrational fear to the person with an anxiety disorder.  

 

Rach, you can beat this anxiety that is making your life so hard, but you need to reach out to a doctor and a psychologist to take the first steps.

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Rach: Don't jump the kettle into the fire. The Kettle(Xtianity) tortured you and the way out of that is reasoning and knowledge, The fire is this new god you have dreamed up for yopur own entertainment.

 

By now you know of the inconsistencies in the bible and its unreliability.So, instead of the bible god, you are imagining another god who is a terror because of what you see of the world. That is pure speculation. Why do you create in your own mind such a god?, when there are other alternatives more likely, such as there is no god, or that the god that does exist has no control over humans? This world is precisely like I think the world would be with a big bang origin of the universe and the evolution of life on earth without the involvement of a god..Sure, there are other possibilities but don't you think the current scientific thinking or something like it is the most likely? 

 

Your thinking is kind of like children who imagine spooks in the night. It's based on nothing but imagination. Even with children, the spooks could be there, But it is highly unlikely, So we move on to things we can know and let the unknowns take care of themselves. That's what I hope you can do. Your way to smart to let things that go bump in the night terrorize you. Good luck and gawd (whatever he is) bless you. bill

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Rach, this video sums up a bunch of things for me regarding hell and judgement; maybe this will give some perspective:

 

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God.  There's another "sign".  So, I'm at work today and I caught sight of a book on the counter.  I had to go see what the book was.  It was goddamn 50 Shades of Grey.  And you know what conclusion my mind leaps to?  "This is God's sign that he wants to have a sadistic relationship with you."  Not "relationship", I mean, not anything loving.  Just sadism and torture.  And I know, guys, it's not reasonable to jump to these kinds of conclusions.  It's just a bloody book on a shelf.  But there is some- thing- in my mind that interprets all these little things as symbols that God- demented psycho Old Testament god- is hunting me down. 

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Human, I am really very shy about bringing this stuff up in real life.  It's easy to talk about on the internet.  In real life people would think I am crazy (even though their beliefs in Christianity are even much more absurd then my fears of evil).  I've had a life full of disasters, some of which have been violent, which have completely shaken my trust in the world and in humanity.  Every time I admit to a friend that I am afraid of serial killers they just think it's ridiculous.  I don't see it as ridiculous at all.  It happens. 

I feel like I am a very rational person and even though not particularly intelligent, I am a hard thinker.  I read and study topics to attain understanding.  I try hard to combat ignorance in my own mind and that of others.  My fear of "god" might be irrational but I do not think my fear of psycopaths is irrational. 

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Human, I am really very shy about bringing this stuff up in real life.  It's easy to talk about on the internet.  In real life people would think I am crazy (even though their beliefs in Christianity are even much more absurd then my fears of evil).  I've had a life full of disasters, some of which have been violent, which have completely shaken my trust in the world and in humanity.  Every time I admit to a friend that I am afraid of serial killers they just think it's ridiculous.  I don't see it as ridiculous at all.  It happens. 

I feel like I am a very rational person and even though not particularly intelligent, I am a hard thinker.  I read and study topics to attain understanding.  I try hard to combat ignorance in my own mind and that of others.  My fear of "god" might be irrational but I do not think my fear of psycopaths is irrational. 

 

A professional would not think its ridiculous.  They hear stuff like this every day.  And they know how shy their patients usually are.  They can be very understanding and empathetic.

 

Your disastrous experiences have likely led to your anxiety issues.  Like a soldier returning home with PTSD, you need professional help and there is no shame in that.  I wish you peace.

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God is indeed a Sadist.  And you are dissing him all the time and trying to lead people away from giving him the worship or obedience He demands.  Dude you're fucked! 

 

Me too zDuivel2.gif

 

I have nightmares of myself dying and loved ones dying regularly.  Maybe instead of fighting God you should try to get him to change His mind like Moses did.

 

God was going to kill Israel but Moses argued with him and got him to change his mind.

Matt, you do know that Moses didn't actually exist, don't you?

 

*returns to hovering position* 

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"1.  God is a sadist.  That much is clear from observing the world we live in"  rach

 

 

Rach: God is not a sadist. Instead, god is not.   bill

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