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Hope For Christian Wife!


jdparker520
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A bit of background first:

I de-converted from calvinist fundamentalism about 2 years ago.  I came out to my wife (who had similar beliefs) about 6 months later.  The last 1.5 years have been extremely challenging as we have dealt with our differences and learned to love and respect each other in our new paradigm.  

 

Over the past year I've become progressively more open with her, and have begun bringing up problems with faith and christianity.  She usually doesn't have answers that satisfy either of us, but just ends the conversation by saying that she doesn't know and wants to talk about something else.  This has of course been rather frustrating since it seems like no matter how damning the evidence, she just won't look at it.

 

However, last night, I got my first real glimmer of hope!  In order to better understand my journey, she has been reading "Beyond an Absence of Faith," which is a collection of stories of people's experiences leaving christianity and islam.  I had no idea if it was connecting with her, but last night she asked me to come sit with her.  She showed me a passage from one story where the writer is dealing with the problem of hell.  For some reason, it connected with her, and she finally saw that god could not be loving, omnipotent, and omniscient.  She cried in my arms for half an hour as she dealt with the fear and terror of feeling a bit of her faith slipping away.

 

My emotions on this are so conflicted.  On the one hand, I'm excited that she's on the path of reason and doubt.  On the other, I know all too well the pain and terror that comes with losing your faith.  My heart aches for her!

 

I have no idea where her journey will end up.  She could embrace atheism as I have, or she may settle down with liberal christianity, or something else entirely.  For now though, I'm content to know that fundamentalism is really no longer an option for her.  She now sees the hate implicit in the fundamentalist god, and she's just too loving to accept that.

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Thanks for the welcome!

 

You're exactly right in that we've had to both agree that our marriage takes precedence over our philosophical and religious beliefs.  It's actually been really admirable how she's focussed more and more on the love side of christianity in order to allow her to overlook our differences and maintain our marriage.  I think that's why the hell problem hit her so hard - she's been focusing on "god is love", and suddenly being confronted with such a hateful side of god was just too much.

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Sounds like a good story. Thank you for sharing.

 

And I hope she realizes how much you understand her and this will help her with her own pain of losing her faith.

 

All the best.

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Welcome to ExC, jdparker520.

 

Your wife is fortunate to have you with her as she goes through the emotional turmoil that can accompany one's loss of faith. It also sounds like she was accepting of your having left Christianity behind, which is often exceptionally difficult for the Christian spouse to do.

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Welcome, jd.  That is indeed an encouraging sign.  Whether or not she deconverts she will at least have more empathy than YHWH.

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Welcome to ExC, jdparker520! Glad you are here with us!! Thanks for sharing!! I understand how scary this all is but you sound like one of the fortunite ones on the board because your wife is 'open'. I took my time with my husband. Very slow. I needed to introduce to him that I was no longer a believer. I did not ever force onr thing on him. Right now, i am glad to say that we are on the same page. He lovers to watch all the same documentaries as I. He's very open to reading anything I suggest now.  I thought for sure this might be the final ending of my  relationship because I wasn't willing to live a lie. Some choose to (and have to) and I always feel so bad about that. Be loving. Be the same person you always were. I think she'll come on the ride with you and then you can figure out together where to go from there because your whole world view will change. It just does. We're right here to help you along!! I wouldn't have made it without EX-c!!

 

hug

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Wow! and Welcome. You've been out for a year and a half! Glad to see things are going well with your wife. Congratulations, and like others have said, I'd say just be there for her, no matter what steps she may or may not take in her deconversion, or move to a more liberal Christianity. I'm waiting for deconversion stories to become popularized in television series, or to show up in the news, or someplace my own Wife will be likely to find it.

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I am in the same boat. My wife and I have simply agreed to not discuss our different views. It's not the best solution, but it's a good compromise.In my case my relationship with my wife is far more important than my beliefs about Xtiaity. I can live with her being a Xtian. As long as she remains liberal in her thinking, it really doesn't make any difference. Going radical is another issue which I have, thankfully, not had to face. Good luck. bill

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I think this sounds promising! At the very least, she is quite open to dialogue, and that's definitely a positive thing. I hope she continues to be open, and you both continue to grow as a couple.

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"On the one hand, I'm excited that she's on the path of reason and doubt.  On the other, I know all too well the pain and terror that comes with losing your faith.  My heart aches for her!"

 

JD, she's got you there for her to get her through the pain of deconversion!  Thanks for sharing that with us man, I hope the best.

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