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Jesus' Bible Lessons You Didn't Hear In Church


Roz
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Ex'Cs, C's, folks of other religions, and even crazy fundies, welcome to Jesus' lessons you didn't hear in church.  If anyone else would like to contribute, please feel free!  

 

Let's start things off with this verse: Jn 10:30.  "I and my father are one."  That was jesus talking about how he and his daddy are one.  How cozy!  But Roz, we already knew that from church!  Well hold onto your pants for satan's sake!

 

If jesus and his father are one, consider this next verse:  Matt. 5:27-28  "27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’[a] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

 

That's right, stop lusting after women you horny atheist teenage guys and lesbians!  Jesus says you're breaking the 7th commandment when you "look."  Looking is enough to break the 7th commandment!

 

But Roz, we already knew that!  Shut up!  Don't make me stop this car and get back there!

 

Let's move onto yet another verse: Deut. 21:10-13

10 When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the Lord thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive, 11 and seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; 12 then thou shalt bring her home to thine house; and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; 13 and she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife. 

 

Yes, you read that right.  jesus and his daddy says to their faithful israelites that if they:

1.  see a beautiful woman among the captives

2.  and 'hast a desire unto her' (this means exactly what it means you perverts)

 

Then they can take the woman to their home, let her mourn her dead family (whom you killed) for 1 month, then take her as wife.  Oh, when you take her as wife, it means to get to know her... in the biblical sense.  "Thou shalt go in unto her."

 

So class, what have we learned here?  Let's recap!

 

1.  Jesus says he and his daddy are one

2.  Jesus says that if you look at someone with lust, you've already violated the 7th commandment

3.  Jesus and his papa tells their faithful israelite soldiers that if they look at a beautiful war captive and "hast a desire unto her," they can indeed "go in unto her" provided they follow certain procedures

 

And so we can clearly see that jesus trolled his israelite soldiers into breaking the 7th commandment, and since he didn't tell them that this was wrong, they just damned themselves.  The bible's so funny when the god glasses come off.  Much more entertaining.

 

 

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You've got it all wrong, Roz. It's only a sin if you lust after and rape a girl without Yahweh/Jesus's permission. If you have his/their permission, then you have to follow the detailed instructions on how to do it.

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But Roz, correct me if I am wrong here, I'm pretty sure the only women they were allowed to take back were virgins.

Then they had to marry them or make them concubines, so that made it ok.  As long as they didn't take the women who had been with men, then it was fine because polygamy was ok in that cultural context.  

 

If they were to take back women who had been married or something, and shave their heads and make them concubines,  that would have been sooo wrong. rolleyes.gif   

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You've got it all wrong, Roz. It's only a sin if you lust after and rape a girl without Yahweh/Jesus's permission. If you have his/their permission, then you have to follow the detailed instructions on how to do it.

 

LOL, yes.  Jesus has specific instructions as to how a virgin should be raped and if you don't follow that, you are sinning against him and his skydaddy.  So long as you rape her the way he says to, then you're good to go.

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I see your points, but since jesus said "if you lust after a woman" you've broken he's 7th law.  Then in Deut. he doesn't say it's a sin but instead encourages those who "have desires for captive women" to go ahead and full on rape them.  

 

Thought crimes by jesus means jesus is sinning against himself.

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Parallel:  jesus also said that if you hate a man, you have already committed murder; now let's go slaughter some god damn Amalekites.

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^^^So true.  If you hate your brother, you've committed murder.  But if you don't hate your brother for Jesus, you will not be saved.  

 

STFU jesus, you're drunk!

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Parallel:  jesus also said that if you hate a man, you have already committed murder; now let's go slaughter some god damn Amalekites.

 

Murder them for Jesus...but dont hate them as  you chop their heads off. Hate is bad.

 

Rape the women per God's instruction, just dont lust while you are boinking them. Lust is a sin.

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Parallel:  jesus also said that if you hate a man, you have already committed murder; now let's go slaughter some god damn Amalekites.

 

Murder them for Jesus...but dont hate them as  you chop their heads off. Hate is bad.

 

Rape the women per God's instruction, just dont lust while you are boinking them. Lust is a sin.

 

Hmm... This raises an interesting question.  If motivation is sinful, but actions are not, then why was the action of eating the fruit what landed Adam and Eve into Original Sin, and not the motivation of envy and pride that I argue Eve had?

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And the children were playing and laughing and having fun and they started to make fun of a bald man who was walking by. Typical of

children....Wendyshrug.gif  

 

But the lord god didn't think it was so cute!! woohoo.gif  So he sent out a bear to destroy and kill the children and the bald man went happily along his way......zDuivel7.gif

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The bear maulings!  I can't believe I forgot about that until now.  I'm sure Elisha must've wished those children the love and peace and grace of he yeshitwa as those bears mauled them to death.

 

After all:

 

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The bear maulings!  I can't believe I forgot about that until now.  I'm sure Elisha must've wished those children the love and peace and grace of he yeshitwa as those bears mauled them to death.

 

After all:

 

 

That was beyond repulsive!  The idea of justifying the slaughter of innocent children as saving them is so sick.  WLC needs help.  What a piece of shit he is.

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How come the Christians never come to these threads?

 

Wendyshrug.gif

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Don't worry RS,

 

I'm sure they're all praying to yeshitwa to send those 2 she bears on over to my place so I can be lovingly mauled to death.

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How come the Christians never come to these threads?

 

Wendyshrug.gif

It's hard enough to tolerate people telling people to fuck off in the less divisive threads...much less...

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How come the Christians never come to these threads?

 

Wendyshrug.gif

It's hard enough to tolerate people telling people to fuck off in the less divisive threads...much less...

 

 

Telling people to fuck off = repulsive

Having 2 bears maul 42 kids = not repulsive

 

bible god is good!

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Get over it End3… you denigrated every human being who has ever suffered with mental illness by insinuating that they are products of sin.

 

I feel no guilt for standing up and calling it for what it is, abhorrent and inhuman.

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Guest Marty

Nothing is more repulsive than a christian that defends the bible in all its child killing glory.

 

 

 

How come the Christians never come to these threads?
 
Wendyshrug.gif


It's hard enough to tolerate people telling people to fuck off in the less divisive threads...much less...

 

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