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Deidre

Why Did You Get Married?

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I had an argument this morning with my bf about all this, told him about this thread. Thought he'd find it funny, but no...the conversation went into a direction I wasn't at all prepared for. Apparently, he is more pro marriage than I once thought.

 

If this relationship ends, I will make sure to ask the next guy, ''do you believe in marriage?'' If the answer is 'yes,' I'm not going any further.

 

This is just a really bad day. sad.png

(((HUGZ))) I think it's normal for him to be possessive...to a degree. As long as it doesn't get abusive. It's not easy ground to navigate. If you really like him then you will stay, but if you are having reservations, perhaps you should listen to your gut?? I think really that a lot of us want to find some type of -soul mate- or something...??? We have been with this person and now want them to be "ours"...maybe he is thinking that way?

 

Not telling you what to do or how to think because this is tricky ground to navigate. But i will say if i were you i wouldn't ask about the marriage thing...just get to know someone and then you can talk about it. After all, he might think you are asking him that because you are LOOKING for someone to marry !! LOL He could take it the wrong way. :D I don't know if i'm making sense. I hope it gets better for you.

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Without being insensitive to your situation: My Wife is troubled at times when I come across as sympathetic to the polyamorous and other nonconforming groups, because I have read about how they do things, far different from what society claims that they do. That doesn't mean I want to jump up and become polyamorous. Especially now, since I'm married. But it is human to be sympathetic to others different from us. Perhaps, you can find out if he is just being sympathetic to the married lifestyle, or if he is trying to pressure you into it. Also, maybe he would get married under different circumstances, but is happy enough not to, in order to be with you. So long as he doesn't hold it over your head.

Anyway, please don't take this as me claiming to know what's going on. It's just a couple things to stimulate thought. And,I know sorry things are difficult for you right now.

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I had an argument this morning with my bf about all this, told him about this thread. Thought he'd find it funny, but no...the conversation went into a direction I wasn't at all prepared for. Apparently, he is more pro marriage than I once thought.

 

If this relationship ends, I will make sure to ask the next guy, ''do you believe in marriage?'' If the answer is 'yes,' I'm not going any further.

 

This is just a really bad day. sad.png

(((HUGZ))) I think it's normal for him to be possessive...to a degree. As long as it doesn't get abusive. It's not easy ground to navigate. If you really like him then you will stay, but if you are having reservations, perhaps you should listen to your gut?? I think really that a lot of us want to find some type of -soul mate- or something...??? We have been with this person and now want them to be "ours"...maybe he is thinking that way?

 

Not telling you what to do or how to think because this is tricky ground to navigate. But i will say if i were you i wouldn't ask about the marriage thing...just get to know someone and then you can talk about it. After all, he might think you are asking him that because you are LOOKING for someone to marry !! LOL He could take it the wrong way. biggrin.png I don't know if i'm making sense. I hope it gets better for you.

 

 haha yes, you are right biggrin.png

the day has gotten a little better. talked with my bf by phone, not going to meet up. just not feeling it. need some space. he apologized for saying some things, but explained his 'intentions.' the truth is, he grew up with a far better set of role models than me, in terms of a healthy marriage display. if i'm honest, that's probably what is at the root of all this for me...and maybe for many people. but i still think it's a dumb construct. tongue.png tomorrow is a new day. your post made me laugh! thank you! smile.png

 

Without being insensitive to your situation: My Wife is troubled at times when I come across as sympathetic to the polyamorous and other nonconforming groups, because I have read about how they do things, far different from what society claims that they do. That doesn't mean I want to jump up and become polyamorous. Especially now, since I'm married. But it is human to be sympathetic to others different from us. Perhaps, you can find out if he is just being sympathetic to the married lifestyle, or if he is trying to pressure you into it. Also, maybe he would get married under different circumstances, but is happy enough not to, in order to be with you. So long as he doesn't hold it over your head.

Anyway, please don't take this as me claiming to know what's going on. It's just a couple things to stimulate thought. And,I know sorry things are difficult for you right now.

thanks so much, leo. polyamorous. haha that's it! that'll solve everything! laugh.png

 

feel free to say whatever. it's everyone's thread to share whatever they like to the topic, and i'm glad you did, so thank you. smile.png

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Great subject...lots of good reads.

 

Society does have the tendency to push people into the commitment of marriage through just the osmosis of the society system. Many or most simply aren't willing to give that much to anyone. I'm sure many have no clue how much giving will be involved they're there to take from it...take the love, adoration and support. All good things, but it's still taking. Its tough to know how much you have to put in until you're in the moment.

 

I always figured i would get married. I wanted to be a dad for as long as i could remember. Even with that I got married when I likely shouldn't have. I was too young and dumb and had come out of a shitty relationship. I was selfish and didn't really know how to give. I didn't want a relationship again for a long time.

 

Then I ran into my childhood sweetheart. The first girl I ever loved. We grew up together. She was first girl i'd had sex with. (we cried after cause we thought gawd was gonna get us for it, haha!). When I saw her I was instantly infatuated with her again. We fell back in love very quickly. After a few days of being together I told her I wanted to marry her.

 

We didn't marry right away. We lived "in sin" for a couple of years. ..until one day she cut me off! No more sex unless we were married. We like sex...We went ring shopping pretty quick. We had a small ceremony us and our parents (4 people too many). We've had ups and downs. Sadly our upbringing and the culture it provided gave us some good material for the downs. But we've always had a tremendous amount of love between us.

 

Even recently we went through enough shit to take most people down, but we've stuck by each other and we're coming out the other side happier and more loving and understanding than ever before. Mostly because out xtian filters are gone. Clarity is awesome!!

 

The reality of living is a very uncertain thing. For me that connection and willingness to share love and support each other is what helps make life make more sense. That deep connection is the real security for me now that i know there's no skydaddy gonna make it all good for his faithful flock.

 

Marriage is a lot of work and a lot of giving. But in recent years of getting to know myself. ..I know i'm a happier, better person when i'm care more about her than I do me. It's really only possible to feel that way and not feel like a doormat because of how much she has loved and supported me through the years. Life is so many things and not much of it holds a lot of reasons and none of them last for ever. Old age will eventually take us out...and I want to go down beside her. For me that helps to give life some much needed purpose.

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However I don't think one has to be "married" to -be there- for others we care about. I think marriage can make someone take the other for granted, after all they are HOOKED now & now they just don't have to try as hard....

 

I hope and think decent people don't do this. However I think it's human nature to sometimes take the ones who we know are lassoed to us, for granted.

 

 Wendyshrug.gif

This is my biggest 'beef' with relationships. I get infuriated if I am taken for granted. 

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I have a friend who's married and her husband and she are divorcing. Her husband dropped weight, is hitting the gym a few days per week and has looked better than during most of their marriage. Talk about taking for granted? He wouldn't take care of his body for his wife but now at the idea of fucking prospective women, he's all about fitness. What a fucking joke.

Hey, now. Have you heard his side of the story here?

Yeah, this bothered me a little too. I lost a lot of weight after my divorce. Partly because I had a really active job for a while, partly because I lost my appetite, and partly because I no longer had to live with my husband who insisted on keeping junk food around the house. I could keep more healthy foods around.

I'm another one that did the same. Being married and miserable led to emotional eating and way too much alcohol consumption. Since getting divorced I turned my health around, have dropped 30 lbs and am in the best shape of my life. I'm sure people think the same thing about me. But when I was married I was unhappy, and it showed.

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The old me married for love, romance and riding happily into the sunset. yellow.gif

 

.......the new me would never get married and live in the same house with anyone ever again......zDuivel7.gif

are you still friends?

 

I try to stay friends with everyone if I can....10.gif

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I married the first time because I was depressed and desperate. Not desperate to be married, but desperate to find a way to be a "real Christian" and be in the Christian community. I took the "you are what you do" approach. My family was happy, my church was happy, my friends were happy. The marriage was relatively happy for six months and lasted for two years. I started seeing it as a death sentence, one where I'd have to kill myself or him to be free. Divorce can be a wonderful thing - one day after he called me a racist slur, I discovered that I had the option of walking out the door, which had previously seemed like an impossibility. I didn't kill anyone. One of the things where I wonder how my life would be different now is what would have happened if he'd been a kind and loving man instead of an angry control freak.

 

A decade later, I married an atheist after we'd been living together for a year. We got legally married because despite the divorce rate, a marriage publicly declares intentions of commitment. We got legally married because the symbolism is important to his family and my family. We got legally married because it gives us many practical civil benefits. And we got legally married so that if we have children, there will be no societal confusion that we both wish to be recognized as the parents.

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However I don't think one has to be "married" to -be there- for others we care about. I think marriage can make someone take the other for granted, after all they are HOOKED now & now they just don't have to try as hard....

 

I hope and think decent people don't do this. However I think it's human nature to sometimes take the ones who we know are lassoed to us, for granted.

 

 :shrug:

 

This is my biggest 'beef' with relationships. I get infuriated if I am taken for granted.

me too.

 

 

  

 

 

 

I have a friend who's married and her husband and she are divorcing. Her husband dropped weight, is hitting the gym a few days per week and has looked better than during most of their marriage. Talk about taking for granted? He wouldn't take care of his body for his wife but now at the idea of fucking prospective women, he's all about fitness. What a fucking joke.

Hey, now. Have you heard his side of the story here?

Yeah, this bothered me a little too. I lost a lot of weight after my divorce. Partly because I had a really active job for a while, partly because I lost my appetite, and partly because I no longer had to live with my husband who insisted on keeping junk food around the house. I could keep more healthy foods around.

Yes, that's a good point. In his case, he didn't care much about her throughout the marriage but who knows.

It's a slap in her face as she tried to get him to lose weight and take care of himself for a while.

 

I'm another one that did the same. Being married and miserable led to emotional eating and way too much alcohol consumption. Since getting divorced I turned my health around, have dropped 30 lbs and am in the best shape of my life. I'm sure people think the same thing about me. But when I was married I was unhappy, and it showed.

  

 

 

The old me married for love, romance and riding happily into the sunset. :yellow:

 

.......the new me would never get married and live in the same house with anyone ever again......:Duivel7:

 

are you still friends?

I try to stay friends with everyone if I can....:10:
aw :) if I were a man, i would marry you Margee :D

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violet, my reply is within your quote above. I'm on my phone and can't figure out how to modify it.

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Honestly? I got married because I was young and thought that to have a fullfilled life I needed a husband and family. I loved my husband (still do), but I didn't know myself or what I wanted out of life.

 

I wish I had waited until after college or at least being on my own for a few years. I was only 20 when we got married, had my first kid at 21.

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If this relationship ends, I will make sure to ask the next guy, ''do you believe in marriage?'' If the answer is 'yes,' I'm not going any further.

 

I imagine you're going to find a lot of heartache or loneliness in your future unless you find your guys online and filter for non marriage.  I'd venture to guess more than 90% are going to instinctively answer yes to this question as most people probably haven't even considered the non marriage option due to societal conditioning. 

 

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If this relationship ends, I will make sure to ask the next guy, ''do you believe in marriage?'' If the answer is 'yes,' I'm not going any further.

 

 

I imagine you're going to find a lot of heartache or loneliness in your future unless you find your guys online and filter for non marriage.  I'd venture to guess more than 90% are going to instinctively answer yes to this question as most people probably haven't even considered the non marriage option due to societal conditioning.

If I ever turn to online dating which I've never done yet, I can put a filter for just this specific criteria? What a brilliant idea! :D

Not serious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1/2 serious ;)

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Honestly? I got married because I was young and thought that to have a fullfilled life I needed a husband and family. I loved my husband (still do), but I didn't know myself or what I wanted out of life.

 

I wish I had waited until after college or at least being on my own for a few years. I was only 20 when we got married, had my first kid at 21.

I know you and he have been going through a tougher time lately, I hope things work out. Sounds like u both truly love each other.

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Honestly? I got married because I was young and thought that to have a fullfilled life I needed a husband and family. I lovedprettyand (still do), but I didn't know myself or what I wanted out of life.

 

I wish I had waited until after college or at least being on my own for a few years. I was only 20 when we got married, had my first kid at 21.

 

The benefit to starting kids early is finishing them early! We waited until 33 & now I wish we would have started sooner. We'll be in our 50's before we're done raising the kids. Thats pretty late to get your life back.

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If this relationship ends, I will make sure to ask the next guy, ''do you believe in marriage?'' If the answer is 'yes,' I'm not going any further.

 

I imagine you're going to find a lot of heartache or loneliness in your future unless you find your guys online and filter for non marriage.  I'd venture to guess more than 90% are going to instinctively answer yes to this question as most people probably haven't even considered the non marriage option due to societal conditioning.

 

If I ever turn to online dating which I've never done yet, I can put a filter for just this specific criteria? What a brilliant idea! biggrin.png

Not serious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1/2 serious wink.png

 

I've never tried online dating, but I imagine it's not that hard to filter for given the site collects enough personal details.

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Well, my bf and I discussed things today and we are going to take a break.

I wish I could meet a guy who dislikes the thought of marriage as much as me. :/

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I disagree about men and marriage. Men are conditioned to say yes, so that they won't come off as pigs. Not saying it's you, just saying they are conditioned like that. Perhaps entertain the conversation with being open about your own beliefs first. I know that makes yu have to be vulnerable, but a man will be less likely to hem and haw around the situation if that was the case. I know I would. If my marriage ends, I don't believe I would necessarily get married again. I've been, well, fixed for quite some time, so I have no fear of empregnating anyone and contributing to more offspring. But if asked, I know I would have trouble being honest about not having to get married.

It's changing, though, especially with younger men. There's a whole movement of men who are saying no to the marriage contract now, and the intense risk it implies. Not risk by women, risk by the family court system. That isn't a sexist statement, it's a financial one.

So, you might just want to tell him your thoughts rather than ask him his. Ideally, we should be able to speak our mind, but most of us, myself most certainly included, have a lot of social conditioning from a lot of places, which complicates things.

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Well, my bf and I discussed things today and we are going to take a break.

I wish I could meet a guy who dislikes the thought of marriage as much as me. :/

 

I'm sorry to hear that, Diedre.  It must be hard.

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I think LeoBirdMan nailed it. If a woman asked me what I thought about marriage, my first thought would be.."if I tell her the truth, is she going to get up and walk out?"

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Well, my bf and I discussed things today and we are going to take a break.

I wish I could meet a guy who dislikes the thought of marriage as much as me. :/

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that, Diedre.  It must be hard.

 

It is. :(

 

 

I think LeoBirdMan nailed it. If a woman asked me what I thought about marriage, my first thought would be.."if I tell her the truth, is she going to get up and walk out?"

Unless you are me and the men walk out. :shrug:

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While most of us here have stated we don't think it's a moral failure when peple can't stay together. But there is more. We don't actually know scientifically how long the human pair bond's cycle is programmed to last. Not that there are not exceptions. But a lot of pair bonding apologists will use non-anthropoid and even non-simian examples, wolves, eagles and so on.

No apes are lifelong monogamous. We as apes have the unique challenge of protracted gestation and protracted child-rearing, which has caused females to sexually select males that can best assist during that vulnerable time.

But homo sapiens didn't live very long, and often lived very difficult lives. There are, of course, exceptions. Some island societies that are resource-rich (comparatively) live polyamorously and behave a lot more like bonobonos than they do chimpanzees.

Now that isn't to say we can't. Evolutionary psychology is considerably more complicated than the biological factors. We use most of our brain's processes to figure out what we're going to do about relationships, those we are in, and those we want to be in, and those we want to be out of. And here I thought writing code all day could fry my brain. Apparently, most of what we do mentally has to do with relationships. This is exaggerated among human beings over other species.

Again, that isn't to say we can't pair bond for life. We do all kinds of things outside of our base biology. I, for one, would not make it as a male in a chimpanzee-like society. Dismissing out of hand being blind. I'm not particularly given to jealousy, and I happened to turn out a bit more of one of those 'sensitive' types, not because it was popular in the 80s / 90s to do so, I just happened to turn out that way. I can live this way, exhibiting no characteristics that an alpha would feel are competitive, and in our society have managed to reproduce once, provide for the mother during the difficult time before and after birth, and help bring up the offspring to adulthood. But that might well not have been the case a few hundred years ago, let alone a few thousand. So I'm not saying lifelong pair bonds cannot exist. I'm in one now that doesn't seem to be in danger of breaking apart at this point. But for those that feel like a failure when a socially-sanctioned pair bond has terminated, it might be instructive to read Jane Goodall and others who have written about anthropoid societies that, while not human, contain most of your DNA and descended from a common ancestor.

I'll freely admit that I'm less committed to the marriage I'm in, but more committed to the Her, the One I'm bonded with / married to. People talk about being committed to the idea of family: I was never that. But I was, and am, committed to the one and only child of mine. Don't know if this all makes sense or not. But if the Wife and I are still together after 50, or 75, years? I will not be thinking about that number of years of marriage: I will be thinking about the privilege of having spent that number of years with Her. I'm one of those people who definitely thinks the state contract makes so many things easier in a post-industrial society. Perhaps if I didn't know my Lesbian friend and her wife and family, I would think differently. But watching them struggle with things most of us do easily and without incident, I think the recognized contract has merit. Sure, at one time, all you had to do was live with someone and everyone assumed you were bonded. Now, though, we don't live in a society where everyone knows everyone else, and in this post-industrial era, paper has meaning whether we want it to or not.

And cultural anthropologists stress the unique nature of human ceremonies. Marriage or commitment ceremonies are one. When my daughter asked how I felt, since I'd taken a vow under God to be married. I explained: You take the god part away, the religious trappings, you still have what's important. Promises to stand with each other through thick and thin.

But I don't think people have to justify why they don't want either a marriage or a commitment ceremony. Even if it is upbringing, that doesn't make it less valid. There's plenty we all don't do based on something we saw growing up. That's human. Most of what we learn comes from observation, not just direct experience. Having seen it, and said no to it, is just as valid.

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However I don't think one has to be "married" to -be there- for others we care about. I think marriage can make someone take the other for granted, after all they are HOOKED now & now they just don't have to try as hard....

 

I hope and think decent people don't do this. However I think it's human nature to sometimes take the ones who we know are lassoed to us, for granted.

 

 Wendyshrug.gif

This is my biggest 'beef' with relationships. I get infuriated if I am taken for granted. 

 

I hear you Margee! I think that's why I lean towards the -no need for marriage- because when you know someone is NOT yours and could walk away at any time,

you just might try harder! LOL and if it doesn't work out, it's easier to say your goodbyes. 

 

Marriage really can become a trap, a prison for some people...kinda like abusive religion. :(

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...But homo sapiens didn't live very long...

Wait, wuuut?

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Oh...you're probably talking about lifespan. I thought you were implying homo sapiens died out. My bad...carry on.WendyDoh.gifGONZ9729CustomImage1539775.gif

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