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Gonna Keep A Break


zuker12
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I've come to the point in my life where I no longer want to research an ounce of religion. I've been doing it for 7 months obsessively. My OCD has put me in a lot of anxiety and sometimes it still wishes that I went looking further for evidence. But I can't just discard 7 months (more actually when I initially deconverted) of research in hope of finding some silly argument or piece of evidence for christianity. It holds no fruit for me, especially in a system where I felt totally hopeless, obliterated in the self, that was full of anxiety and sorrow. I just don't fit in with christianity.

 

So after pondering I made a decision. I didn't study or search; I just pondered the question and the evidences and the feelings within myself. I dabbled in satanism for a while, until I realized that if christianity is an absurd proposition so is satanism. So now I'm an agnostic. I don't hold that the religion of "love" called christianity is likely to come pass with it's plan of doom and hellfire; it is of course possible, as is everything. For all I know everything we know about secular science and philosophy is a lie or grasping at straws. This argument I've heard before from christians. It is, however, no defence for christianity either; then anything else can be true and we would just not know it. I cannot PERSONALLY believe a misanthropic religion like christianity is the true one. I won't search for it anymore; it causes me nothing but trouble.

 

I guess if I went ahead and studied more, I could find something new to defend or disprove christianity. It is, however, an endless rabbit hole, some place where I do not want to go. I just don't want to. Not for this god. I can not help my feelings or thoughts about god, and they came initially when I first converted. Those thoughts were filled with how pointless everything seemed, why is this world such a shithole when we have god etc. I just have millions of thoughts and I still have. I wish I wasn't this disillusioned with god, but I can't help it. Then again, I don't want to be perfect. My whole life I've been doing the sinful things, but I've never hurt anyone. I have no wish to hurt anyone; to me, all of humanity is suffering and we have no right to make it any worse for anyone. Of course, when we go about our daily routine, we do inadvertedly make it worse for someone, or worsen the state of the planet, but this is just the price of life.

 

So, now I'm no longer searching. It is fruitless and lacks happiness. I'm going to keep a pause of month, couple of months, from exC. I might even go internetless for the time being. I don't know. Now is the time to get back to my life and start being a better person around my family and friends. I know, I'll probably just waste a lot of time playing video games and board games while the summer is still on, as it is something I like to do. I do go out for walks and hang out with friends, but when I'm alone I just spend time playing video games or wasting time surfing. I should fix this too and find something else to do.

 

For now, I wish you all bliss and a happy journey, wherever you all are going to, religiousness or not. :=)

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That sounds great, zuker.  Do what you need to do.  Take care of yourself.

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So, now I'm no longer searching. It is fruitless and lacks happiness. I'm going to keep a pause of month, couple of months, from exC. I might even go internetless for the time being. I don't know. Now is the time to get back to my life and start being a better person around my family and friends. I know, I'll probably just waste a lot of time playing video games and board games while the summer is still on, as it is something I like to do. I do go out for walks and hang out with friends, but when I'm alone I just spend time playing video games or wasting time surfing. I should fix this too and find something else to do.

 

For now, I wish you all bliss and a happy journey, wherever you all are going to, religiousness or not. :=)

 

"Wasting time" playing video games is like "wasting time" watching football or "wasting time" at a dead end job, imo. :-) So, enjoy! Dont let that Protestant work ethic meme get ya down... :-)

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Happy to see you have found a good path for yourself. When you've had enough, you just know.

Good luck to you. :)

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Echoing what you're saying. I don't have curiosity about religion, especially Christianity. Not like some do. But I have feared for coming up short in an argument if or when I come out to a family member or friend and they start hash-slinging apologetics. I'm almost where you are. And this is actually a good place. you're right, there is no perfection in the universe. There is no pure water, pure air, not even a pure vacuum in space. No perfectly smooth surface, no perfected symmetry. It's all a matter of degree: small degree perhaps, but degree nonetheless. Perfection is a straw man argument that means nothing. If perfection did exist, it could not be hurt or offended by imperfection. That is logically impossible.

But yes, enjoy the universe, enjoy the world around you. Enjoy the birds, the trees, the flowers, the sun, the rain, the people you know and love. You owe it to yourself to do that.

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Good decision, Zuker.  Enjoy the break and when you feel like checking back in with us some time, it will be good to see you again.  Take care :)

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