Coming Out To Your Children

[Chez130]

Well, it's that time of year again. School. My children attend a Christian school. (Ugh) They are pretty much set there and they do not want to leave. We tried once, and it did not go well. Along with school, Sunday school is also starting and my oldest recieved a letter the other day regarding confirmation classes for him this year. (I'm a former episcopalian.)

 

I have not said anything to my children about my deconversion. My oldest has bible class at school as well as chapel. My youngest is troublingly devout, having been brainwashed at school from a very young age.

 

Since my de-conversion, I have stopped attending church. My husband, who never attended regularly anywhere, feels like it's now his obligation to take the boys himself. I have serious reservations about that since he is southern baptist. They get enough of that crap from school.

 

What would you do? Tell the kids I've de-converted? Take them back to the episcopal church, at least to Sunday school? Let their dad take them to a baptist church?

 

If I tell them I've de-converted, I don't see that going well for my oldest. He is required to take bible, and it might cause him to feel conflicted at school. The teacher last year also advocated creationism. I told him I disagreed, and I don't think he agrees with me. He parroted her reasons against evolution. It was very disturbing.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. Those of you not living in the southern US might not understand how difficult this is, but this community is very hard core. Additionally, my oldest is a Boy Scout. They could ban him if he were to de-convert also.

 

What are your thoughts?

[Storm]

I think that maybe the best way to talk with them is to help them with questions about things they believe. Being upfront about your doubt would likely cause problems, but working with them when situations arise where the information being taught to them is questionable is a better option. You can teach them how to think critically and help them find the answers to their questions by working through the critical thought processes. Teaching them to think for themselves will be more beneficial in the long run. It may also open doors in regards to your husband and working through potential issues with him.

TheRedneckProfessor is a good person to talk to about this.

[amateur]

^^Storm made excellent points.  I would add that when I was raising my kids (and even now) I would not lie to them (which even included controversial things like Santa Claus, but I had other reasons for that, too).  So I did my very best at being as honest as possible with them.  At the same time, I made sure they understood that there are private matters we can discuss at home, which don't get discussed in the larger family or in public, if it will hurt people's feelings.  

 

A simple example would be Santa.  In our house, Santa was simply another fun xmas story, like Rudolph or Frosty, and a tradition like the tree and cookies and candlelight service, but they knew Santa wasn't real and that we and other relatives bought the presents.  But they knew they were NOT to go around their kindergarten class telling the other kids that Santa wasn't real and setting them straight.  

 

So even tho at that time our family attended church, they were always allowed to question us and we answered as honestly as we could, including "I don't know" when we really didn't know.  I even brought up some of my own questions.  They knew not to relentlessly bug their sunday school teachers with questions, not just because sunday school teachers are NOT trained professionals with no real answers, but because their only answer gravitates back to "because god."

 

I tried my best to stress "think for yourself and question," and look up answers in books or on the internet, but please be respectful of other people and their opinions, including relatives.  I think my kids did fairly well with that.  Well, ok, my son got kicked permanently out of his confirmation class by the youth minister (which made my son a bit of a hero to the rest of the class), so we quit attending church after that and my daughter never had to deal with confirmation, as he asked a few too many questions of the youth minister (which honestly I thought the youth minister, a trained professional, SHOULD have expected from a 15-year-old, and had answers for, as they were good, reasonable questions that I had myself and could not answer) then my son pretended to quit listening to the youth minister after not getting answers (in a quiet, non-disruptive way) , so yeah, maybe there's a time to be a bit less respectful.  Yes, there definitely is.

 

Good luck in your own situation.  It sounds like a much tougher one than I dealt with. 

[Chez130]

Thanks, you guys. My oldest doesn't understand why he should go to confirmation class. I explained to him why the church wanted them to do it, but that if he did not want to go, I would not make him. He said he still wants to go to EYC (youth group), but he didn't see any reason for going to confirmation class.

 

I had, of course, thought that I would tell them exactly what I think if and when they ever asked me, but not until then. The disturbing part is, they don't ask. At least, not yet. I want them to ask, but it's not happening. My oldest, the more rational of the two so far, seems to agree with what he's taught at school.

 

My youngest and I were watching Nova the other day and he said, "Aren't they supposed to say that god created the universe?" I said, "no, that's not how they see it." I'm not sure if that sunk in or not.

 

Ugh! Parenting is difficult.

[Storm]

I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to ask your kids some questions. Perfect example would be to explore why he doesn't want to go to the confirmation. Find opportunities for them to think things through. Another thing is they are watching what you do and how you act. You can influence your kids by simply living out the life you want to live. They will eventually ask why you do some of those things. That will be an opportunity for you to share what you believe.

[midniterider]

Well, it's that time of year again. School. My children attend a Christian school. (Ugh) They are pretty much set there and they do not want to leave. We tried once, and it did not go well. Along with school, Sunday school is also starting and my oldest recieved a letter the other day regarding confirmation classes for him this year. (I'm a former episcopalian.)

 

I have not said anything to my children about my deconversion. My oldest has bible class at school as well as chapel. My youngest is troublingly devout, having been brainwashed at school from a very young age.

 

Since my de-conversion, I have stopped attending church. My husband, who never attended regularly anywhere, feels like it's now his obligation to take the boys himself. I have serious reservations about that since he is southern baptist. They get enough of that crap from school.

 

What would you do? Tell the kids I've de-converted? Take them back to the episcopal church, at least to Sunday school? Let their dad take them to a baptist church?

 

If I tell them I've de-converted, I don't see that going well for my oldest. He is required to take bible, and it might cause him to feel conflicted at school. The teacher last year also advocated creationism. I told him I disagreed, and I don't think he agrees with me. He parroted her reasons against evolution. It was very disturbing.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. Those of you not living in the southern US might not understand how difficult this is, but this community is very hard core. Additionally, my oldest is a Boy Scout. They could ban him if he were to de-convert also.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

What happens if you tell your kids you don't really buy all the church doctrine anymore but it's ok if they believe it? At least that would give them two different world views to start thinking about. And after the initial shock and drama dies down the kids may start to question their faith and question why  they want to keep going to a Christian school. I remember moving across town as a child. It wasnt really about losing my school more than losing friends. And I made new ones.

 

Maybe ease them into sports or some club that eats up lots  of time so they dont have time for church.

 

The oldest doesnt necessarily have to deconvert. There are varying degrees of Christianity including the 'in name only' version so one can still enjoy the deep South BSA. :-)

[midniterider]

Thanks, you guys. My oldest doesn't understand why he should go to confirmation class. I explained to him why the church wanted them to do it, but that if he did not want to go, I would not make him. He said he still wants to go to EYC (youth group), but he didn't see any reason for going to confirmation class.

 

I had, of course, thought that I would tell them exactly what I think if and when they ever asked me, but not until then. The disturbing part is, they don't ask. At least, not yet. I want them to ask, but it's not happening. My oldest, the more rational of the two so far, seems to agree with what he's taught at school.

 

My youngest and I were watching Nova the other day and he said, "Aren't they supposed to say that god created the universe?" I said, "no, that's not how they see it." I'm not sure if that sunk in or not.

 

Ugh! Parenting is difficult.

 

Sounds like they are both thinkers. One doesnt think he has to go to confirmation. The other thinks about why Nova isn't mentioning God. Hmmm. Encourage them both to continue thinking and questioning. Storm has a good about asking the oldest one why he doesnt want to go to confirmation. Does he have doubts?

[Chez130]

I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to ask your kids some questions. Perfect example would be to explore why he doesn't want to go to the confirmation. Find opportunities for them to think things through. Another thing is they are watching what you do and how you act. You can influence your kids by simply living out the life you want to live. They will eventually ask why you do some of those things. That will be an opportunity for you to share what you believe.

He doesn't think he should need confirmation because he says he already believes it, so why should he have to take classes. They haven't really questioned why we have not been going to church because in the summer we typically slack off. They might start wondering why soon though.

 

I have another problem, too. I'm pretty sure my husband won't like me telling them about my unbelief. That could start something. I think a subtle approach might be the way to go.

[Chez130]

 

 

Well, it's that time of year again. School. My children attend a Christian school. (Ugh) They are pretty much set there and they do not want to leave. We tried once, and it did not go well. Along with school, Sunday school is also starting and my oldest recieved a letter the other day regarding confirmation classes for him this year. (I'm a former episcopalian.)

 

I have not said anything to my children about my deconversion. My oldest has bible class at school as well as chapel. My youngest is troublingly devout, having been brainwashed at school from a very young age.

 

Since my de-conversion, I have stopped attending church. My husband, who never attended regularly anywhere, feels like it's now his obligation to take the boys himself. I have serious reservations about that since he is southern baptist. They get enough of that crap from school.

 

What would you do? Tell the kids I've de-converted? Take them back to the episcopal church, at least to Sunday school? Let their dad take them to a baptist church?

 

If I tell them I've de-converted, I don't see that going well for my oldest. He is required to take bible, and it might cause him to feel conflicted at school. The teacher last year also advocated creationism. I told him I disagreed, and I don't think he agrees with me. He parroted her reasons against evolution. It was very disturbing.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. Those of you not living in the southern US might not understand how difficult this is, but this community is very hard core. Additionally, my oldest is a Boy Scout. They could ban him if he were to de-convert also.

 

What are your thoughts?

What happens if you tell your kids you don't really buy all the church doctrine anymore but it's ok if they believe it? At least that would give them two different world views to start thinking about. And after the initial shock and drama dies down the kids may start to question their faith and question why they want to keep going to a Christian school. I remember moving across town as a child. It wasnt really about losing my school more than losing friends. And I made new ones.

 

Maybe ease them into sports or some club that eats up lots of time so they dont have time for church.

 

The oldest doesnt necessarily have to deconvert. There are varying degrees of Christianity including the 'in name only' version so one can still enjoy the deep South BSA. :-)

I'm not really sure what will happen if I told them, but I do think it has to be done carefully. Their whole school world revolves around Christianity. I was looking at my youngest's math homework and they've managed to have Christian math problems, via word problems regarding church attendance. Ugh!

 

We do a lot of sports plus BSA. Typically, they don't have practices or games on Wednesday or Sunday, because that's when everyone here has church. They might be too tired to think about church with everything that's going on, though.

 

That is a good point about the BSA. I don't see my son de-converting on his own, at least not yet. He's still young (14) and following what everyone around him believes. It's been a given for him all his life so far. I was just worried that if I shared my unbelief, it might start something in him.

[Chez130]

 

 

Thanks, you guys. My oldest doesn't understand why he should go to confirmation class. I explained to him why the church wanted them to do it, but that if he did not want to go, I would not make him. He said he still wants to go to EYC (youth group), but he didn't see any reason for going to confirmation class.

 

I had, of course, thought that I would tell them exactly what I think if and when they ever asked me, but not until then. The disturbing part is, they don't ask. At least, not yet. I want them to ask, but it's not happening. My oldest, the more rational of the two so far, seems to agree with what he's taught at school.

 

My youngest and I were watching Nova the other day and he said, "Aren't they supposed to say that god created the universe?" I said, "no, that's not how they see it." I'm not sure if that sunk in or not.

 

Ugh! Parenting is difficult.

Sounds like they are both thinkers. One doesnt think he has to go to confirmation. The other thinks about why Nova isn't mentioning God. Hmmm. Encourage them both to continue thinking and questioning. Storm has a good about asking the oldest one why he doesnt want to go to confirmation. Does he have doubts?

No, that's the thing. He says he already believes it, so why should he have to go? If I were still a Christian, then I'm sure I would have made him go to confirmation class. As it is, I'm not inclined. At the same time, the Episcopal brand of Christianity is better than what they are getting at school, which is a whole bunch of crazy. Do I want to take the sane approach to Christianity away from them?

 

Youngest seemed shocked that they didn't mention god in that Nova episode. We might need to make a point to watch more of those.