Positive Thread To Support Ex-Cs With Depression Struggles At The Moment

[Orbit]

Hey all,

 

I've been in a really tough spot for the last month and a half. I had come off my meds earlier this year; however, due to life, I got swept back up into depression and old issues with christianity flared up considerably. I have OCD and anxiety issues as well, and there were some really tough days. I was scared of going to hell, sad that I would have to go back to christianity to be safe again, sad that I would have to leave my partner and the life we have built these last 5 years. ( I haven't gone back, and I am still with my partner. )

 

During this time I felt compelled to reasearch anything about science, ex-christians, life...anything to reconfirm my skepticism. It got, and is somewhat still is, to the point where I don't feel like these reasons for leaving christianity are satisfying anymore...and it drives me insane because in the back of my head is that voice that says, "well, that's because christianity is true." There is apart of me that just won't let go...its making me feel like I am the bad one; that I am being resistant to God, and it is reaffirms those stereotypes about why people leave christianity: they just want to sin, they love this life more etc...

 

Anyway I have been back on my meds for  a month, and I have gotten a little better. I just can't get rid of this sense of 'not being ok' that I need a final answer to make me feel like I can finally live again. I feel emotionally cold of numb when I think about my rational world. When I do think about church, or I hear old christain chants in music history, I can feel that emotional high. I know its because it is what I grew up in, but knowing that doesn't make the feeling go away.

 

I've also been getting "messages." And no I am not hearing voices. I get these "messages" from the media, or by glancing at certain words on the billboards or buisnesses as I drive by on the bus. For instance today, I was thinking about how I was starting to feel ok about life, that hell is not real, and exactly at that moment I see a poster of a human face that looks like its been dead, and then a few moments later I see the words 'Going places?' on a buisness advertisement. Part of me thinks that is a message about going to hell, because last night I saw a picture, of a person anguishing in hell, that looked simliar to the human face I saw today on the bus.  Another example, I was watching a home repair show a few weeks ago; they were cleaning up an old moldy, dingy attic; I thought, oh that looks depressing, like hell; as soon as I thought of hell, flames start to cover the attic, because in the show they are talking about how a fire could start, or whatever. Crazy, I know. Heck, even just scrolling up and down this message my eyes will glance to the words hell, that I have typed.

 

I've been having these 'messages' alot recently. I get them from tv shows, words I glance at on a music cover, or things people say in class. They always come into my head exactly after the moment I have thought about something regarding life, spirituality, reason, God, hell, etc...and they always correlate to what I was just thinking.

 

Now look, I know, I rationally know what is going on. I have been obsessed with these issues for the better part of a month an a half; these thoughts take up a lot of my day, and due to randomness in the words I see or tv images that pop up, I know my pattern seeking mind will make connections like this. I am just tired of hearing the 'messages.'

 

I'm at a point where I am just so tired. I just want my life back...and I don't know how to do that anymore. I have been to therapists, and I talk to my partner alot; he has been very supportive--this has strengthened our relationship.

 

I'm a deep thinker, like you all are; I'm concerned with finding truth and wanting to be honest with life. I think some of that extends from personality, but some of it extends from the religion I grew up in; it was black and white, there was TRUTH on the cosmic scale. There was security in that. Recently I haven't felt 'ok' about truth not being on that large a scale. Maybe that's why I am falling back into old thinking habits revolving around the old faith. I dunno. This is where I am at.

You are having symptoms of psychosis. Please do see your doctor and explain what's going on. Hang in there...

[Brother Jeff]

Bolianbob, I have bipolar disorder and I had to stop taking a med a couple of months ago or so because of unacceptable side effects. Stopping it caused a mild hypomanic bipolar episode and I had a lot of trouble sleeping, but I prefer that to a racing, pounding heart at the age of 48. 

 

Christianity is not true, and there is no God to be resistant to, but I understand the feelings. I can totally relate.

 

The "messages" thing is a symptom of ongoing mental health issues that should be addressed by a mental health professional, but yes part of it also is pattern seeking by your religion-obsessed mind. 

 

Back in early 2013, my father and I were watching a TV show on demonology because it was the only program on that remotely interested us (out of 600 or so channels!). I was fine...and then suddenly I wasn't. I did not realize it until much later, but I was having a manic episode and due to that program, the old religious feelings and fears got triggered again, and later that night I was praying to god for forgiveness for my atheism and anti-Christian rants and everything else I could think of, and of course Jesus was Lord again and god in the flesh and all of that stuff... I was back in church for about three months and I was becoming so hardcore fundie again that I scared myself and backed off somewhat. Not long after that, the bipolar mania started dying down, and the religious feelings and beliefs all fell away again and I saw it all again for what it really is -- ancient myths and fables and fairy tales. And I have been fine ever since with no religious feelings or fears whatsoever.

 

I can totally relate to the religious highs. I got prayed for many times for the healing of what I now know is bipolar disorder. I never got healing of any kind, of course, but I experienced some awesome religious emotional highs. And I used to LOVE Charismatic praise and worship services. I can remember feelings of being WRAPPED IN JOY so intense that I thought if god poured the blessings on any more I would be raptured to heaven right there on the spot! But now... as awesome as those religious emotional highs were, I recognize them now as being driven by the incredible power of belief. Now that the beliefs aren't there any more, neither are the religious feelings. I do miss it sometimes, but in the same way that I occasionally miss smoking pot. I was a serious pothead when I was young. But missing it sometimes doesn't mean going to the seedy parts of Anchorage trying to score some weed. In the same way, I don't go to church trying to recapture old religious highs. It's in the past. There is no god to seek at church and no more religious highs to be had for me. Just as there is the very real possibility that I will never smoke pot again. It's not legal here in Alaska (though it should be, as well as everywhere else in the US and the world, but that's another discussion...) and I don't go looking for it. See what I'm saying, or at least trying to say? Make sense?

 

Yes, there is security in the black and white thinking of fundamentalism, but that doesn't make it true and it doesn't make it something to go back to in order to feel safe.

 

I think it's awesome that you have a supportive partner! Keep talking and keep thinking, and I totally understand about wanting your life back.

 

I hope what I've said has been helpful. It's coming from a tired mind worn out from writing anti-religious rants on Facebook all day... Glory!

 

Wishing you all the best!

[sparklingphoenix]

I talk to a counselor once a month and that helps me. I used to see her once a week and as I've gotten better I've been able to do it less often. I had a period of depression that was very bad when I was in middle school. I've been sad for most of my life due to family circumstances, so it's actually really unnatural for me to be happy. Being happy is something I have to practice every day and I'm honestly not very good at it. Talking to the counselor helps, maintaining a social life, staying busy, giving myself "me time" and writing in a journal is what I do to get through sad phases. Sleeping works too. Sometimes when I'm sad I tend to shut myself away, but I'm always glad when I reach out to a friend and get out of my room for a while. My advise is to find a counselor to help you think clearly and help you to process emotions. I've never been clinically diagnosed with depression so I can't give any medical advice but reaching out to someone is always a good first step.

[Brother Jeff]

Just wrote this in a message to a friend here:

 

"My handwriting is bad anyway, but when my bipolar disorder becomes symptomatic, it really goes to hell. My writing tells me that there are issues going on, and I am more angry and irritable these days than I usually am. I guess the rants I have been posting lately show that... but on the good side of things I still feel reasonably happy and I still laugh a lot, so things are basically okay."

 

I am sleeping better these days though I have to take melatonin and Benadryl at a minimum to make it happen, but I'm still on the moody side. Things that I would normally accept without too much emotion about it such as needless road construction that wastes thousands of taxpayer dollars (tearing up perfectly good road so it can be fixed is common here in Alaska during the warmer months, but it provides jobs for the construction workers, though that doesn't excuse the wasted money) are pissing me off more than usual. But... pretty much everything is pissing me off more than usual. This is not a happy time of year for me with summer being over and another very long and very cold Alaskan winter being on the way in just a few weeks. I am not a fan of winter and I hate the dangerous, icy roads. I will never get used to that. And my moods become unsettled this time of year too. Always happens when the seasons change.

 

But... happier times are coming! In November, I will be traveling to Texas for the holidays, and that is always a whole lot of fun, and it is always wonderful to see family and friends there. And... downtown Brenham, TX here I come!

[bdp]

Sex helps.

I'm 51 years old; sex has never been a true reality in my life.  I'm glad this thread popped back up tonight - I'm feeling really alone and really socially inept.  I see Fwee mentioning cats; just after the holiday season this year I had to have my Sara Lee, who had been with me for 20 or 21 years, put down.  I was not prepared for just how hard that would hit me, as I stayed with her through the whole process in the vets office.  I'm not really going anywhere with this, I'm just feeling really alone tonight and wishing I could sleep for a year, and also wishing I'd never ventured out of my little shell.  It always seems to go badly when I reach out.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

 

Sex helps.

I'm 51 years old; sex has never been a true reality in my life.  I'm glad this thread popped back up tonight - I'm feeling really alone and really socially inept.  I see Fwee mentioning cats; just after the holiday season this year I had to have my Sara Lee, who had been with me for 20 or 21 years, put down.  I was not prepared for just how hard that would hit me, as I stayed with her through the whole process in the vets office.  I'm not really going anywhere with this, I'm just feeling really alone tonight and wishing I could sleep for a year, and also wishing I'd never ventured out of my little shell.  It always seems to go badly when I reach out.

 

Wishing you could sleep for a year is a clear symptom of clinical depression.  Hope you get something out of reading this thread.  Have you told a doctor about how you're feeling?

[FreeThinkerNZ]

I talk to a counselor once a month and that helps me. I used to see her once a week and as I've gotten better I've been able to do it less often. I had a period of depression that was very bad when I was in middle school. I've been sad for most of my life due to family circumstances, so it's actually really unnatural for me to be happy. Being happy is something I have to practice every day and I'm honestly not very good at it. Talking to the counselor helps, maintaining a social life, staying busy, giving myself "me time" and writing in a journal is what I do to get through sad phases. Sleeping works too. Sometimes when I'm sad I tend to shut myself away, but I'm always glad when I reach out to a friend and get out of my room for a while. My advise is to find a counselor to help you think clearly and help you to process emotions. I've never been clinically diagnosed with depression so I can't give any medical advice but reaching out to someone is always a good first step.

 

Not trying to diagnose anyone here, but I just wondered if you'd ever heard of the condition Dysthymia?  It's a milder, more chronic/long term form condition similar to depression.  If you're interested there is some info about it here:  

 

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dysthymia/basics/definition/con-20033879

 

FWIW, you're doing all the right things IMO.

[bdp]

 

 

Sex helps.

I'm 51 years old; sex has never been a true reality in my life.  I'm glad this thread popped back up tonight - I'm feeling really alone and really socially inept.  I see Fwee mentioning cats; just after the holiday season this year I had to have my Sara Lee, who had been with me for 20 or 21 years, put down.  I was not prepared for just how hard that would hit me, as I stayed with her through the whole process in the vets office.  I'm not really going anywhere with this, I'm just feeling really alone tonight and wishing I could sleep for a year, and also wishing I'd never ventured out of my little shell.  It always seems to go badly when I reach out.

 

Wishing you could sleep for a year is a clear symptom of clinical depression.  Hope you get something out of reading this thread.  Have you told a doctor about how you're feeling?

 

Maybe a year ago - not sure - I told my doctor I wanted to talk to someone, a counselor or therapist.  He set up an appointment, I went there, there was nobody in the waiting room or at the desk.  At myexact appointment time the therapist came out, introduced himself, and handed me a stack of papers.  It was about five different questionnaires/emotional inventioy surveys.  He disappeared back into the offices leaving me in the waiting room to fill them out.  I didn't enjoy having to sit there ruminating and reflecting on all the things that had been pressing in on me and weighing on my mind, and then a woman came in, he gave her the same stack of papers, and the two of us were there in the waiting room filling out personally sensitive paperwork.  I had to ssume it was uncomfirtable for her, and I was feeling worse and worse with every new page, and also beginning to fear I was giving someone ptential ammunition to lock me up somewhere if I answered truthfully - I once spent voluntary time in a locked ward.  So I left one survey unfinished, wrote 'Politely Decline' ont he top of the last one, and left them on the desk and left without talking to anyone.  I see enoughof people with real emotional struggles to believe that I can handle my own.  Sometimes it gets harder than others, and sometimes I just wish I had a mate/partner/lover/whatever.  I don't believe that's ever going to happen based on the nature and magnitude of my failures in that arena.  I've heard the mermaids singing, each to each...

 

Oh, and when I went back to my regular doctor after that he never asked about the appointment, how it went, or gave any indication that the therapist had communicated with him in anyway.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

 

 

 

Sex helps.

I'm 51 years old; sex has never been a true reality in my life.  I'm glad this thread popped back up tonight - I'm feeling really alone and really socially inept.  I see Fwee mentioning cats; just after the holiday season this year I had to have my Sara Lee, who had been with me for 20 or 21 years, put down.  I was not prepared for just how hard that would hit me, as I stayed with her through the whole process in the vets office.  I'm not really going anywhere with this, I'm just feeling really alone tonight and wishing I could sleep for a year, and also wishing I'd never ventured out of my little shell.  It always seems to go badly when I reach out.

 

Wishing you could sleep for a year is a clear symptom of clinical depression.  Hope you get something out of reading this thread.  Have you told a doctor about how you're feeling?

 

Maybe a year ago - not sure - I told my doctor I wanted to talk to someone, a counselor or therapist.  He set up an appointment, I went there, there was nobody in the waiting room or at the desk.  At myexact appointment time the therapist came out, introduced himself, and handed me a stack of papers.  It was about five different questionnaires/emotional inventioy surveys.  He disappeared back into the offices leaving me in the waiting room to fill them out.  I didn't enjoy having to sit there ruminating and reflecting on all the things that had been pressing in on me and weighing on my mind, and then a woman came in, he gave her the same stack of papers, and the two of us were there in the waiting room filling out personally sensitive paperwork.  I had to ssume it was uncomfirtable for her, and I was feeling worse and worse with every new page, and also beginning to fear I was giving someone ptential ammunition to lock me up somewhere if I answered truthfully - I once spent voluntary time in a locked ward.  So I left one survey unfinished, wrote 'Politely Decline' ont he top of the last one, and left them on the desk and left without talking to anyone.  I see enoughof people with real emotional struggles to believe that I can handle my own.  Sometimes it gets harder than others, and sometimes I just wish I had a mate/partner/lover/whatever.  I don't believe that's ever going to happen based on the nature and magnitude of my failures in that arena.  I've heard the mermaids singing, each to each...

 

Well I would suggest talking to your doctor to see if you need medication, and telling him/her you saw an incompetent therapist and you want to see a competent one next time.

[bdp]

Any time I've seen a therapist I end getting the feeling that I'm paying someone just to listen to me talk.  I've been told that's the sign of a bad therapist.

[Brother Jeff]

Any time I've seen a therapist I end getting the feeling that I'm paying someone just to listen to me talk.  I've been told that's the sign of a bad therapist.

 

Yes, that's a sign of a bad therapist, and I have been there. My current therapist I probably haven't seen in over a year. She is a nice person, but she has not been very helpful at all. And she is not even a trained psychologist. She is barely a licensed counselor -- very low-level degree, in my opinion. This lady is a nice and well-meaning person, but she is a bad therapist. The result of that is that, though I like her fine on a personal level, I hardly ever see her. 

 

There are good therapists out there. Please continue to look until you find one. A good therapist will listen attentively and with compassion and will give you constructive feedback that is meant to be helpful. A good therapist will actually help you or, if they realize that they can't for some reason, they will refer you to someone that they believe can help you. A good therapist genuinely cares, and it will show. 

[mikey101]

My therapist recommended ACA (Adult Children Anonymous) and it's proving to be pretty effective. Our lives are pretty much set up during our first 7 years.  Makes sense to me that addressing dysfunction during that time would make some real changes. I've heard some therapists say inner child work is very effective. Different things work for different people, but if you've hit an emotional bottom like I did I would recommend it.

[directionless]

I mentioned this earlier in the thread, but I seem to be having good luck with SAM-e.

- It takes effect in about 30 minutes and seems to wear off in about 4 hours.

- I only take it once in a while and just 200 mg

- It's kind of like a stimulant. I've read that some people have bad experiences with it.

 

If I don't get sufficient cardio exercise, the following day I feel spaced-out. I can't even make the simplest decisions. It might take me 30 minutes to walk to the bathroom and brush my teeth, because my mind keeps blanking-out.

 

Anyway, that is when I think SAM-e is helpful. It seems like the stimulant effect of SAM-e gets me out of that zombie state.

 

Hope that might help somebody.

 

EDIT: I forgot to mention that if I take SAM-e when I'm not in a low energy, zombie-like depression, then it makes me feel jittery, irritable, etc. So I think the trick is to treat SAM-e like a stimulant. Don't take it every day like you would take a vitamin. Less is more.

[sparklingphoenix]

 

Not trying to diagnose anyone here, but I just wondered if you'd ever heard of the condition Dysthymia?  It's a milder, more chronic/long term form condition similar to depression.  If you're interested there is some info about it here:  

 

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dysthymia/basics/definition/con-20033879

 

FWIW, you're doing all the right things IMO.

I don't know, it's possible. In addition to having abusive parents and a religious background I also have an incurable chronic illness that makes me feel like shit 24/7. I try to keep going and have a normal life as much as my body will allow, but chronic illness and depression seem to go hand in hand. It's really depressing and heartbreaking to endure a lot of physical pain all the time every second. It wears you down and I do have days where I just can't take it. I cried writing this. Everyone has struggles, and this is one of mine, on top of dealing with family and religion. I do the best I can and I keep fighting but yeah, I forget to be happy and positive sometimes because I'm so focused on surviving every day. Idk if that's a clinical thing or just a side effect of my past and my illness. I'll look into dysthymia and see what I think.

[duderonomy]

 

 

Not trying to diagnose anyone here, but I just wondered if you'd ever heard of the condition Dysthymia?  It's a milder, more chronic/long term form condition similar to depression.  If you're interested there is some info about it here:  

 

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dysthymia/basics/definition/con-20033879

 

FWIW, you're doing all the right things IMO.

I don't know, it's possible. In addition to having abusive parents and a religious background I also have an incurable chronic illness that makes me feel like shit 24/7. I try to keep going and have a normal life as much as my body will allow, but chronic illness and depression seem to go hand in hand. It's really depressing and heartbreaking to endure a lot of physical pain all the time every second. It wears you down and I do have days where I just can't take it. I cried writing this. Everyone has struggles, and this is one of mine, on top of dealing with family and religion. I do the best I can and I keep fighting but yeah, I forget to be happy and positive sometimes because I'm so focused on surviving every day. Idk if that's a clinical thing or just a side effect of my past and my illness. I'll look into dysthymia and see what I think.

 

 

I've been told I have Dysythymia. I was diagnosed by an actual shrink, and when I asked my regular doctor (at the time) what it was, he said "it means you're depressed a little bit all the time".

 

All the time.  I could have told them that much.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

 

 

 

Not trying to diagnose anyone here, but I just wondered if you'd ever heard of the condition Dysthymia?  It's a milder, more chronic/long term form condition similar to depression.  If you're interested there is some info about it here:  

 

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dysthymia/basics/definition/con-20033879

 

FWIW, you're doing all the right things IMO.

I don't know, it's possible. In addition to having abusive parents and a religious background I also have an incurable chronic illness that makes me feel like shit 24/7. I try to keep going and have a normal life as much as my body will allow, but chronic illness and depression seem to go hand in hand. It's really depressing and heartbreaking to endure a lot of physical pain all the time every second. It wears you down and I do have days where I just can't take it. I cried writing this. Everyone has struggles, and this is one of mine, on top of dealing with family and religion. I do the best I can and I keep fighting but yeah, I forget to be happy and positive sometimes because I'm so focused on surviving every day. Idk if that's a clinical thing or just a side effect of my past and my illness. I'll look into dysthymia and see what I think.

 

 

I've been told I have Dysythymia. I was diagnosed by an actual shrink, and when I asked my regular doctor (at the time) what it was, he said "it means you're depressed a little bit all the time".

 

All the time.  I could have told them that much.

 

It's interesting, because if I was the doctor I would have made a point of saying "most of the time", to leave room for hope.  Dysthymia can be managed just like depression can.  Maybe he didnt mean it literally... it was said for effect, to show empathy.

 

From what I can tell, Dysthymia can suck just as much as depression.  It's good that awareness of it is increasing.

[duderonomy]

 

 

 

 

Not trying to diagnose anyone here, but I just wondered if you'd ever heard of the condition Dysthymia?  It's a milder, more chronic/long term form condition similar to depression.  If you're interested there is some info about it here:  

 

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dysthymia/basics/definition/con-20033879

 

FWIW, you're doing all the right things IMO.

I don't know, it's possible. In addition to having abusive parents and a religious background I also have an incurable chronic illness that makes me feel like shit 24/7. I try to keep going and have a normal life as much as my body will allow, but chronic illness and depression seem to go hand in hand. It's really depressing and heartbreaking to endure a lot of physical pain all the time every second. It wears you down and I do have days where I just can't take it. I cried writing this. Everyone has struggles, and this is one of mine, on top of dealing with family and religion. I do the best I can and I keep fighting but yeah, I forget to be happy and positive sometimes because I'm so focused on surviving every day. Idk if that's a clinical thing or just a side effect of my past and my illness. I'll look into dysthymia and see what I think.

 

 

I've been told I have Dysythymia. I was diagnosed by an actual shrink, and when I asked my regular doctor (at the time) what it was, he said "it means you're depressed a little bit all the time".

 

All the time.  I could have told them that much.

 

It's interesting, because if I was the doctor I would have made a point of saying "most of the time", to leave room for hope.  Dysthymia can be managed just like depression can.  Maybe he didnt mean it literally... it was said for effect, to show empathy.

 

From what I can tell, Dysthymia can suck just as much as depression.  It's good that awareness of it is increasing.

 

All the time means that there is no room for hope. I can remember the last time I was really happy the way an alcoholic can remember his last drink.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

 

 

 

 

 

Not trying to diagnose anyone here, but I just wondered if you'd ever heard of the condition Dysthymia?  It's a milder, more chronic/long term form condition similar to depression.  If you're interested there is some info about it here:  

 

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dysthymia/basics/definition/con-20033879

 

FWIW, you're doing all the right things IMO.

I don't know, it's possible. In addition to having abusive parents and a religious background I also have an incurable chronic illness that makes me feel like shit 24/7. I try to keep going and have a normal life as much as my body will allow, but chronic illness and depression seem to go hand in hand. It's really depressing and heartbreaking to endure a lot of physical pain all the time every second. It wears you down and I do have days where I just can't take it. I cried writing this. Everyone has struggles, and this is one of mine, on top of dealing with family and religion. I do the best I can and I keep fighting but yeah, I forget to be happy and positive sometimes because I'm so focused on surviving every day. Idk if that's a clinical thing or just a side effect of my past and my illness. I'll look into dysthymia and see what I think.

 

 

I've been told I have Dysythymia. I was diagnosed by an actual shrink, and when I asked my regular doctor (at the time) what it was, he said "it means you're depressed a little bit all the time".

 

All the time.  I could have told them that much.

 

It's interesting, because if I was the doctor I would have made a point of saying "most of the time", to leave room for hope.  Dysthymia can be managed just like depression can.  Maybe he didnt mean it literally... it was said for effect, to show empathy.

 

From what I can tell, Dysthymia can suck just as much as depression.  It's good that awareness of it is increasing.

 

All the time means that there is no room for hope. I can remember the last time I was really happy the way an alcoholic can remember his last drink.

 

That makes me sad to hear.  I hope you find ways to manage the condition so you start to have good moments, then good days.

[sparklingphoenix]

 

 

Not trying to diagnose anyone here, but I just wondered if you'd ever heard of the condition Dysthymia?  It's a milder, more chronic/long term form condition similar to depression.  If you're interested there is some info about it here:  

 http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dysthymia/basics/definition/con-20033879

 

FWIW, you're doing all the right things IMO.

 

I don't know, it's possible. In addition to having abusive parents and a religious background I also have an incurable chronic illness that makes me feel like shit 24/7. I try to keep going and have a normal life as much as my body will allow, but chronic illness and depression seem to go hand in hand. It's really depressing and heartbreaking to endure a lot of physical pain all the time every second. It wears you down and I do have days where I just can't take it. I cried writing this. Everyone has struggles, and this is one of mine, on top of dealing with family and religion. I do the best I can and I keep fighting but yeah, I forget to be happy and positive sometimes because I'm so focused on surviving every day. Idk if that's a clinical thing or just a side effect of my past and my illness. I'll look into dysthymia and see what I think.

 

I've been told I have Dysythymia. I was diagnosed by an actual shrink, and when I asked my regular doctor (at the time) what it was, he said "it means you're depressed a little bit all the time".

 

All the time.  I could have told them that much.

Doctors are so helpful aren't they? I've had doctors tell me to see a psychiatrist because my pain isn't real.

[sparklingphoenix]

 

 

 

 

Not trying to diagnose anyone here, but I just wondered if you'd ever heard of the condition Dysthymia?  It's a milder, more chronic/long term form condition similar to depression.  If you're interested there is some info about it here:  

 http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dysthymia/basics/definition/con-20033879

 

FWIW, you're doing all the right things IMO.

 

I don't know, it's possible. In addition to having abusive parents and a religious background I also have an incurable chronic illness that makes me feel like shit 24/7. I try to keep going and have a normal life as much as my body will allow, but chronic illness and depression seem to go hand in hand. It's really depressing and heartbreaking to endure a lot of physical pain all the time every second. It wears you down and I do have days where I just can't take it. I cried writing this. Everyone has struggles, and this is one of mine, on top of dealing with family and religion. I do the best I can and I keep fighting but yeah, I forget to be happy and positive sometimes because I'm so focused on surviving every day. Idk if that's a clinical thing or just a side effect of my past and my illness. I'll look into dysthymia and see what I think.

 

I've been told I have Dysythymia. I was diagnosed by an actual shrink, and when I asked my regular doctor (at the time) what it was, he said "it means you're depressed a little bit all the time".

 

All the time.  I could have told them that much.

It's interesting, because if I was the doctor I would have made a point of saying "most of the time", to leave room for hope.  Dysthymia can be managed just like depression can.  Maybe he didnt mean it literally... it was said for effect, to show empathy.

 

From what I can tell, Dysthymia can suck just as much as depression.  It's good that awareness of it is increasing.

All the time means that there is no room for hope. I can remember the last time I was really happy the way an alcoholic can remember his last drink.

Heh this is how I feel about chronic pain. Nice analogy. I cannot remember the feeling of its absence.

[seven77]

Well, I am on new meds for my adrenal condition. Started them last week but the doseage was off. I had a depressive episode. I felt like a tired gas station hot dog lying in the parking lot for a good 5 days. I switched to a smaller dose and started taking them with a multivitamin+DHA combo. The depression lifted yesterday and things are getting better.

 

I've experienced some clarity the past few days in regards to my life. I've decided to stop drinking for awhile. Alcohol feeds my insecurities and fuels my depression. Maybe if I had an off button for addictive behaviors, it wouldn't be so bad for me to drink. But I don't. 1 beer turns into 6 turns into 12 turns into me driving to the market at 5am so that I can start drinking when I get up from my daily nap at 9am.

 

Other changes are taking place too, I think. I no longer feel despondent, like life is total shit most of the time. I'm reevaluating my long standing semi-nihilist attitude. Trouble is that I find myself drifting into what I call " smoosh state". Smoosh state is when I'm slightly more open to the idea of there being an impersonal deity/higher power. I've been thinking of praying and meditating on some things I wrote right before I left my faith.

 

I know those are dangerous things because there is a chance I could end up back in church again, forcing myself to read the Bible and all that shit. I just keep on keepin' on for now. I'm not talking to my old church friends. I haven't dug out my old Bibles. No sermon listening. No worship music.

 

Whatever I do from here on out, has to be for me.

[Brother Jeff]

I am feeling overwhelming bipolar fear and paranoia right now. I am afraid of losing people here as friends. They have to keep re-assuring me that everything is okay. I am sure I am wearing one person here out, but she is my friend. I have to keep telling myself that. 

 

I went to the hospital last night, but they didn't think I was ill enough to be admitted. But I had taken a huge dose of Xanax earlier. I was SO driving under the influence. It was almost like being drunk. I was so out of it on the Xanax at the hospital that all I could do was sleep. I couldn't convince them that I was ill enough to stay there.

 

I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!!! The FEAR and the PARANOIA are overwhelming.

[Orbit]

I am feeling overwhelming bipolar fear and paranoia right now. I am afraid of losing people here as friends. They have to keep re-assuring me that everything is okay. I am sure I am wearing one person here out, but she is my friend. I have to keep telling myself that. 

 

I went to the hospital last night, but they didn't think I was ill enough to be admitted. But I had taken a huge dose of Xanax earlier. I was SO driving under the influence. It was almost like being drunk. I was so out of it on the Xanax at the hospital that all I could do was sleep. I couldn't convince them that I was ill enough to stay there.

 

I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!!! The FEAR and the PARANOIA are overwhelming.

Just keep reminding yourself that it's not real, Bro Jeff, it's the illness. We all adore you and are here to help.

[Brother Jeff]

 

I am feeling overwhelming bipolar fear and paranoia right now. I am afraid of losing people here as friends. They have to keep re-assuring me that everything is okay. I am sure I am wearing one person here out, but she is my friend. I have to keep telling myself that. 

 

I went to the hospital last night, but they didn't think I was ill enough to be admitted. But I had taken a huge dose of Xanax earlier. I was SO driving under the influence. It was almost like being drunk. I was so out of it on the Xanax at the hospital that all I could do was sleep. I couldn't convince them that I was ill enough to stay there.

 

I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!!! The FEAR and the PARANOIA are overwhelming.

Just keep reminding yourself that it's not real, Bro Jeff, it's the illness. We all adore you and are here to help.

 

 

What is real? What is false? What are people thinking about me? Is anyone mad at me? How can I know? How can I tell?

[TrueFreedom]

Brother, Jeff, I have found that life is better when I stop worrying about what people think of me and focus my interest on them.  Don't worry about me.  Tell me how YOU are doing.  I want to hear what YOU have been up to.  What's new, Brother Jeff?