Has Any One Else Been The Victim Of Missionary Dating?

[RealityCheck]

For about a year and a half I was dating a Christian girl off and on.  I know dating someone with differing beliefs can be interesting at best and conflicting/heartbreaking at worst.  Since this person never brought religion into our conversations initially, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  I think it's safe to say that her interest in me as a person was initially genuine.

Sometime around Easter the subtle evangelizing began.  I didn't think too much off it till one day I decided to attend one of her bible classes to figure out what the hell she was being taught.  It raised a red flag.  It appears she was having a sudden bout of revival.

To make a long story short, she ended up dating some other guy she met in that class.  Furthermore, for the latter half of our time together she really had no romantic interest in me whatsoever.  As soon as she had her revival, she became colder and began to resist my touch.  I found out the only reason she even allowed me to take her out was to save my soul.

I'm not even angry because I see this situation for what it really is.  It was the story of an individual who was brainwashed into denying her own desires and using a most unscrupulous method of evangelizing.  It's the story of a dwindling church using more and more desperate means to win converts. This never became a serious relationship so I was quick to recover.

Unfortunately, I imagine many of you have been in my shoes before.  Perhaps your heart was shattered to pieces in the name of Jesus when you discovered your SO's deception?  Some of you might even be married with kids to someone like this and that truly scares me.

[TrueFreedom]

I was a missionary in all of my relationships at one time, though I was always upfront about it, and I still craved intimacy.

[hereticzero]

One gal tried to change me, wound up marrying me and deconverting soon after I did. 

[Bayard]

Never! I value my freedom and sanity too highly.

[milesaway]

I came close to it, and I actually wrote about it here before. There was a guy at the bus stop at a mall I don't normally go to who was trying to hit on me. The first time I met him, after we talked about bikes and stuff, he asked me what church I went to, and I told him there isn't one. The second time, about a month later, more of the same, but instead of asking me about churches, when we got on the bus, I sat in the back as usual, he sat in the front, and right before the bus left to go downtown, he moved to the back right next to me, took out a buybull, and started reading. I ignored it and pretended to play a game on my phone. I haven't seen him since that day, and hopefully I'll never see him again.

 

I think I had another close call, on a local subreddit. I put an ad up looking for a relationship, and this guy from the northern part of my state starts messaging me, even though I specifically state in the ad that I'm looking for someone from the metro area, and that I'm not interested in anything long distance. I tell him this, giving him the benefit of the doubt and he starts coming on to me, asking if it would help knowing he's applied for jobs all over the state. I tell him no, since there's no guarantees he'd get anything here. So he starts trying to steamroll through the boundaries I set, and then starts backpedaling when I said that wasn't up for discussion. Something about it was giving me bad vibes, so I look up his username, and I find a dating site profile with so many red flags it's not even funny. Lo and behold, he's xtian, through and through. 

 

The sad thing is I might have accidentally given this guy a chance if he lived in my area, and if he hadn't acted like an out and out major creep. I never messaged this guy, and I won't. I learned my lesson. I'm through with xtian guys. After the last straw with my evil bastard of an ex, I won't even consider a xtian, even if he's a self-identified one or a cultural one at that. Religion is an automatic dealbreaker for me. 

[Bayard]

I was a missionary in all of my relationships at one time, though I was always upfront about it, and I still craved intimacy.

Oops, that reminds me that I'm not exactly guiltless- before I joined the dark side I was in Russia teaching English and took a girl with me to a church there. She was already a Christian though and was having some emotional problems so I thought it would help stabilize her life a little, at the time.

[Deidre]

Don't care for the term "victim," but yes. I've dated Christian men who looked at dating me as a "mission from God." lol (after I deconverted)

 

I only date atheists, now. Actually, I prefer life-long atheists not deconverts. I know, double standard but that's what makes me comfortable, now.

 

Sorry you went through that RC! ((Hug))

[zeldarocks]

I've done Missionary... Sex position that it

[Leo]

I didn't know missionary dating was a thing. I heard about it from Christians who were virulent against it, but sort of dismissed as one of the things they continuiously prattle on and on and on about ... and this was when I was a Xian.

Their claims against it, and your claims against it, are both valid. It's unscrupulous.

If I was single again, I don't know if I would limit dating to fellow atheists, as I really can't see being that one-dimensional. As a young man, of course, I thought I was supposed to be marrying only a Christian. And I did help the Wife along as She was new, but She was always much more in touch with the spiritual connection than I was, praying spontaneously and without the slightest of pretension to it at all. I mainly showed Her around the Bible a bit, during my fiery years, sort of a tour guide. Was always guilty about my ineffectiveness in missionary acts anyway. Later I learned it has everything to do with being persuasive, it's the province of sales and marketing.

But to the OP, I'm sorry you experienced this. And how telling, the closer to Jesus, the more frigid about you.

This was partway through our marriage, She was doing ministry activities, and 'Going Deeper' for those familiar with that. I knew about it, but I wasn't. She did what many women will do, expressed her emotions outwardly and in full form: "How can I love both you and God? In this deeper way?" At the time, all I did was mentally start preparing for what could turn out to be the inevitable breakup of us. I was too numb to be angry. And by the time I would have experienced anger, I had already arrived at the conclusion, even as a Xian, that this stuff was a scham and she was no more and no less than one of its victims. Since I realized it for what it was, I couldn't possibly be angry with her, not being heroic, it was just completely absent from my existence on that issue.

So many things ideologies do like this. I've heard of similar dating to make political converts too. Nasty stuff, if you ask me.

[Bayard]

 

I was a missionary in all of my relationships at one time, though I was always upfront about it, and I still craved intimacy.

This is so loaded with multiple entendrés. Did nobody else comment on it because it seems obvious? Nevertheless, it sounds like a line in a standup comedy routine. Have you thought of doing that as a sidline?

Ahahah, didn't even cross my mind. I am so innocent...

[TrueFreedom]

 

 

 

I was a missionary in all of my relationships at one time, though I was always upfront about it, and I still craved intimacy.

This is so loaded with multiple entendrés. Did nobody else comment on it because it seems obvious? Nevertheless, it sounds like a line in a standup comedy routine. Have you thought of doing that as a sidline?

 

Ahahah, didn't even cross my mind. I am so innocent...

 

Well, I thought I was 'innocent' too.

 

It's a conservative position to hold.

[TrueFreedom]

 

 

 

 

 

I was a missionary in all of my relationships at one time, though I was always upfront about it, and I still craved intimacy.

This is so loaded with multiple entendrés. Did nobody else comment on it because it seems obvious? Nevertheless, it sounds like a line in a standup comedy routine. Have you thought of doing that as a sidline?

 

Ahahah, didn't even cross my mind. I am so innocent...

 

Well, I thought I was 'innocent' too.

 

It's a conservative position to hold.

 

You need to audition for "Last Comic Standing."

 

I don't have to be a member in good standing, or a member good at standing, or a member good at standing for missionary dating?  

[Deidre]

 

I only date atheists, now. Actually, I prefer life-long atheists not deconverts. I know, double standard but that's what makes me comfortable, now.

Do "Humanists" qualify?

 

Hmmm...sure, why not.

 

I've always been a Humanist, even if secretly so, all the while I was a Christian.

 

BTW, I'm curious, why no deconverts?

Just in my own experiences dating guys who were former Christians, and are now atheists...they still 'acted' Christian in some of their thinking, when it came to views of women and dating. Sexism and having a hard time with independent women were the main issues, I've noticed. Believing women should still follow traditional roles, and the whole marriage thing. Bleck. Not saying that these traits can't be found in life-long atheists, but I've noticed it not as much, as amongst deconverted men.

[Bayard]

I really don't think sexism or disliking independent women are unique to Christian (or ex-Christian) men. I'd say that's more often culturally or socially ingrained than religiously. Not that I think there's anything wrong with your preferences, Deidre. Personally I'd prefer to date a girl who deconverted as it's generally a sign of intellectual integrity and backbone.

[Deidre]

I really don't think sexism or disliking independent women are unique to Christian (or ex-Christian) men. I'd say that's more often culturally or socially ingrained than religiously. Not that I think there's anything wrong with your preferences, Deidre. Personally I'd prefer to date a girl who deconverted as it's generally a sign of intellectual integrity and backbone.

 

I agree. It's just been my mileage with dating deconverted men vs. lifelong atheists.

 

 

Just in my own experiences dating guys who were former Christians, and are now atheists...they still 'acted' Christian in some of their thinking, when it came to views of women and dating. Sexism and having a hard time with independent women were the main issues, I've noticed. Believing women should still follow traditional roles, and the whole marriage thing. Bleck. Not saying that these traits can't be found in life-long atheists, but I've noticed it not as much, as amongst deconverted men.

I really don't think sexism or disliking independent women are unique to Christian (or ex-Christian) men. I'd say that's more often culturally or socially ingrained than religiously. Not that I think there's anything wrong with your preferences, Deidre. Personally I'd prefer to date a girl who deconverted as it's generally a sign of intellectual integrity and backbone.

Pari,

 

That's a good point you make. We need not presume that everything within Christianity is exclusive to, or originated in, Christianity. However... yes, however, since so much of western civilization is fashioned upon religious concepts, values, and norms, might it not be reasonable to see the patriarchy and sexism in society as having been introduced or at least fostered by religion -- namely, Christianity in the west. As for Asian, African, and other cultures, might not any patriarchy and sexism there also be due to religion or perpetuated by religion?

 

There have been matriarchal cultures and societies, but they have been in the minority. Or could the male dominance of human civilization have developed simply due to nature: males have been generally physically dominant. Thus men have generally dominated until cultures have evolved intellectually and scientifically, thus recognizing gender equality and therefore according social equality.

 

I'm merely speculating. I appreciate further dialogue and enlightenment.

 

Thanks,

Human

 

True, we are more than the religion we chose to follow or were indoctrinated into. Culture, society's pressures, upbringing, etc....it all makes up who we are, and our worldviews. But, if a guy's been taught for a very long time to view women as submissive order takers from men, it's hard for him to shift that thinking to respecting women as independent, unique individuals.

 

Didn't mean to go OT, Reality!

[JadedAtheist]

I can safely say that I dodged that bullet. Of the couple people I dated all have been atheists or ex-christians themselves. As a Christian I wouldn't date an unbeliever so I was never in the missionary position and as an atheist now I'd only date other atheists and I would only date an ex-christian if I was reasonably certain there was no chance of them turning back as I've seen that happen to people.

 

Just in my own experiences dating guys who were former Christians, and are now atheists...they still 'acted' Christian in some of their thinking, when it came to views of women and dating. Sexism and having a hard time with independent women were the main issues, I've noticed. Believing women should still follow traditional roles, and the whole marriage thing. Bleck. Not saying that these traits can't be found in life-long atheists, but I've noticed it not as much, as amongst deconverted men.

 

 

It kinda sucks that you've had bad luck in this department, in my situation I am with a fellow ex-christian and I know how great it is to be with someone who understands that whole side of me; not that that is all to me or our relationship of course. I just know when I talked with other girls about my experiences it generally made the whole mood awkward

[Deidre]

I can safely say that I dodged that bullet. Of the couple people I dated all have been atheists or ex-christians themselves. As a Christian I wouldn't date an unbeliever so I was never in the missionary position and as an atheist now I'd only date other atheists and I would only date an ex-christian if I was reasonably certain there was no chance of them turning back as I've seen that happen to people.

 

 

Just in my own experiences dating guys who were former Christians, and are now atheists...they still 'acted' Christian in some of their thinking, when it came to views of women and dating. Sexism and having a hard time with independent women were the main issues, I've noticed. Believing women should still follow traditional roles, and the whole marriage thing. Bleck. Not saying that these traits can't be found in life-long atheists, but I've noticed it not as much, as amongst deconverted men.

 

I can see that. So it was awkward telling girls who've been life long atheists your story?

Is that what u mean?

 

It kinda sucks that you've had bad luck in this department, in my situation I am with a fellow ex-christian and I know how great it is to be with someone who understands that whole side of me; not that that is all to me or our relationship of course. I just know when I talked with other girls about my experiences it generally made the whole mood awkward

  

 

True, we are more than the religion we chose to follow or were indoctrinated into. Culture, society's pressures, upbringing, etc....it all makes up who we are, and our worldviews. But, if a guy's been taught for a very long time to view women as submissive order takers from men, it's hard for him to shift that thinking to respecting women as independent, unique individuals.Didn't mean to go OT, Reality!

Deidre,Not all of Christianity teaches patriarchy and sexism. However, the majority of it does. Even so, I was brought up fundamentalist and evangelical and I didn't have this view of relationships. My parents' marriage has been one of equal partnership. Then again, they left the church environment (but remained believers to some degree) when I was a teenager. In all my relationships, I always assumed gender equality. But then, my experience of Christ/ianity was not typical.So back to my point: these ex-Christian atheist guys were trying to convert you to some form of Christianized atheism. And your point, implied, is that even though a man is out of the religion, perhaps not all the religion is out of him.Human

I thought Fundamentalists took the bible literally, no? Interesting what you say. So, when you date, do you bring up rather quickly their religious "affiliation?"

 

I should've been a nun. A quiet life. No drama. Lol

A little late now.

[RealityCheck]

 

 

I only date atheists, now. Actually, I prefer life-long atheists not deconverts. I know, double standard but that's what makes me comfortable, now.

Do "Humanists" qualify?

 

Hmmm...sure, why not.

 

I've always been a Humanist, even if secretly so, all the while I was a Christian.

 

BTW, I'm curious, why no deconverts?

Just in my own experiences dating guys who were former Christians, and are now atheists...they still 'acted' Christian in some of their thinking, when it came to views of women and dating. Sexism and having a hard time with independent women were the main issues, I've noticed. Believing women should still follow traditional roles, and the whole marriage thing. Bleck. Not saying that these traits can't be found in life-long atheists, but I've noticed it not as much, as amongst deconverted men.

 

Deidre, it depends on how a man was brought up.  I always found it disturbing how men force women into submissive roles even as a Christian.  Maybe it's because I grew up with a strong mother who always had equal say on what went on in the household.  I actually converted as a young adult and didn't grow up in that system of traditional roles.  I also don't have a traditional view of marriage (I will elaborate more in your marriage thread.)

 

Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt at least once.

[Deidre]

Ok, I no longer know how to multi quote.

 

Good grief

[Jedah]

I've been the victim of both "missionary" dating, and MLM dating.

 

The MLM girl was worse by far.

[RealityCheck]

I didn't know missionary dating was a thing. I heard about it from Christians who were virulent against it, but sort of dismissed as one of the things they continuiously prattle on and on and on about ... and this was when I was a Xian.

Their claims against it, and your claims against it, are both valid. It's unscrupulous.

If I was single again, I don't know if I would limit dating to fellow atheists, as I really can't see being that one-dimensional. As a young man, of course, I thought I was supposed to be marrying only a Christian. And I did help the Wife along as She was new, but She was always much more in touch with the spiritual connection than I was, praying spontaneously and without the slightest of pretension to it at all. I mainly showed Her around the Bible a bit, during my fiery years, sort of a tour guide. Was always guilty about my ineffectiveness in missionary acts anyway. Later I learned it has everything to do with being persuasive, it's the province of sales and marketing.

But to the OP, I'm sorry you experienced this. And how telling, the closer to Jesus, the more frigid about you.

This was partway through our marriage, She was doing ministry activities, and 'Going Deeper' for those familiar with that. I knew about it, but I wasn't. She did what many women will do, expressed her emotions outwardly and in full form: "How can I love both you and God? In this deeper way?" At the time, all I did was mentally start preparing for what could turn out to be the inevitable breakup of us. I was too numb to be angry. And by the time I would have experienced anger, I had already arrived at the conclusion, even as a Xian, that this stuff was a scham and she was no more and no less than one of its victims. Since I realized it for what it was, I couldn't possibly be angry with her, not being heroic, it was just completely absent from my existence on that issue.

So many things ideologies do like this. I've heard of similar dating to make political converts too. Nasty stuff, if you ask me.

Relationships are difficult enough already without bringing in a 3rd party (God.)  I'm sorry you had to experience that, at least I'm fortunate enough to never have married in the 10 years of my faith.  Judging by the marriages of once Christians turned atheists that I know it wouldn't have ended well.

[RealityCheck]

I've been the victim of both "missionary" dating, and MLM dating.

 

The MLM girl was worse by far.

MLM dating?  I'm not too familiar with that.

[RealityCheck]

I came close to it, and I actually wrote about it here before. There was a guy at the bus stop at a mall I don't normally go to who was trying to hit on me. The first time I met him, after we talked about bikes and stuff, he asked me what church I went to, and I told him there isn't one. The second time, about a month later, more of the same, but instead of asking me about churches, when we got on the bus, I sat in the back as usual, he sat in the front, and right before the bus left to go downtown, he moved to the back right next to me, took out a buybull, and started reading. I ignored it and pretended to play a game on my phone. I haven't seen him since that day, and hopefully I'll never see him again.

 

I think I had another close call, on a local subreddit. I put an ad up looking for a relationship, and this guy from the northern part of my state starts messaging me, even though I specifically state in the ad that I'm looking for someone from the metro area, and that I'm not interested in anything long distance. I tell him this, giving him the benefit of the doubt and he starts coming on to me, asking if it would help knowing he's applied for jobs all over the state. I tell him no, since there's no guarantees he'd get anything here. So he starts trying to steamroll through the boundaries I set, and then starts backpedaling when I said that wasn't up for discussion. Something about it was giving me bad vibes, so I look up his username, and I find a dating site profile with so many red flags it's not even funny. Lo and behold, he's xtian, through and through. 

 

The sad thing is I might have accidentally given this guy a chance if he lived in my area, and if he hadn't acted like an out and out major creep. I never messaged this guy, and I won't. I learned my lesson. I'm through with xtian guys. After the last straw with my evil bastard of an ex, I won't even consider a xtian, even if he's a self-identified one or a cultural one at that. Religion is an automatic dealbreaker for me. 

I think we may have had that conversation before.  I wish I would have learned from it a bit more.

[JadedAtheist]

I can see that. So it was awkward telling girls who've been life long atheists your story? 

Is that what u mean?

 

It wasn't awkward telling it to them, their reaction was generally what made it awkward People over here aren't really all that religious to the point that if someone mentioned going to church or say reading the bible in the conversation most people would be weirded out. So when they hear that I use to be really religious most would take it in the same way that I guess an American would hearing that one use to be in some sort of cult. Because people are so ignorant of all things religious they often go wide eyed when they hear the things you use to believe or did or had done to you when you left. They're generally indifferent to religion so depending where you're at in your journey they have very little understanding of why one has the intensity behind their anti-religious feelings. Also, they're generally amazed that I was a lifelong atheist that converted and then left again.

 

To be fair though, it's not limited to just girls so I basically never discuss this stuff outside of ex-c or my partner as no one else here would really understand (not that I'd need to bring it up all that often anyways).

[gall]

For about a year and a half I was dating a Christian girl off and on.  I know dating someone with differing beliefs can be interesting at best and conflicting/heartbreaking at worst.  Since this person never brought religion into our conversations initially, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  I think it's safe to say that her interest in me as a person was initially genuine.

 

Sometime around Easter the subtle evangelizing began.  I didn't think too much off it till one day I decided to attend one of her bible classes to figure out what the hell she was being taught.  It raised a red flag.  It appears she was having a sudden bout of revival.

 

To make a long story short, she ended up dating some other guy she met in that class.  Furthermore, for the latter half of our time together she really had no romantic interest in me whatsoever.  As soon as she had her revival, she became colder and began to resist my touch.  I found out the only reason she even allowed me to take her out was to save my soul.

 

I'm not even angry because I see this situation for what it really is.  It was the story of an individual who was brainwashed into denying her own desires and using a most unscrupulous method of evangelizing.  It's the story of a dwindling church using more and more desperate means to win converts. This never became a serious relationship so I was quick to recover.

 

Unfortunately, I imagine many of you have been in my shoes before.  Perhaps your heart was shattered to pieces in the name of Jesus when you discovered your SO's deception?  Some of you might even be married with kids to someone like this and that truly scares me.

 

Cause you know the best way to get to someone and have them agree with you is to lie in the first place about your intentions... be glad you did not become invested in this hypocraful relationship. her hypocracy not yours of course. She sounds like a loser actually if she can't just go up to someone and lay it out for them. Instead she tricked you. You are the lucky one here for sure.