Some People Shouldn't Be Allowed To Order Pizza

[Jose]

I used to manage a cell phone retail store in a really, really ritzy part of town here in Jacksonville.

 

Over and above the normal asshole customers, this guy really stands out...

 

Despite being the manager, I often worked the sales floor, especially around the end of the month when quotas were looking impossible for some of the employees. I'd sell, sell, sell and then just give the credit to the employees so they'd get a full commission check (I got commission on the store's total sales, so don't think me too altruistic) and everyone would be happy.

 

About three days after the Nokia 8890 came out, a middle-aged white guy in a custom-fitted Armani (yes, after a while working in this area, I could tell) suit comes into the store while I'm working the counter. He clicks his Rolex against the counter a couple of times to get my attention and then tells me that he wants to start an account for him, his wife, and his two daughters.

 

I about fall all over myself to help this guy out because I know that while rich people are notoriously stingy, I can sell ice to Eskimos and a guy like this is not buying a cell phone, he's buying a status symbol.

 

Sweet.

 

So, I close the deal at the following:

 

1. The Highest Dollar Rate Plan - $359.99 per month x2, and the next step down $179.99 x2 for his daughters.

2. A plethora of additional services... data connections, voicemail, text messaging, Caller ID, call waiting, etc (this is in the days before that stuff was standard and free) on all the accounts

3. All kinds of accessories... car charger, leather case, travel charger, headset, etc. for each of the phones

4. Nokia 8890... which cost $549.99 at the time... x 4. FUCK YEAH!!!

 

So, in my speil I was very careful to give the blurb about how liquid damage is not covered by warranty and we'd be able to tell if the phone was immersed in liquid and we will not replace it. I get his signature on the line that says this in writing.

 

He decides that he wants Free Nights and Weekends, so he decides to sign a two-year contract... this will be important later...

 

So I finish up the sale and he makes sure to tell me that I have to put "Reverend" before his name because he's a Baptist minister and that's how he prefers people to address him. I gladly put his name in the computer as Mr. "Reverend" William R. XXXXX and tell him to have a great day.

 

Having done my selling for the day, I decide to head across the street to Wild Wings for lunch where I witnessed something very funny.

 

About five minutes after I get back, I was sitting in my office and I see him on the security camera coming in the store again. I go out and we have approximately this conversation...

 

"Hello again, Reverend! Is there something else I can do for you?"

 

"Yes, as a matter of fact! I've had this phone for less than an hour and it already stopped working! I demand (mistake #1) another phone!"

 

"Really? It just stopped working? That's unusual... let me take a look at it."

 

"No! I just want another phone! This is unacceptable! You people (mistake #2) can't get away with selling defective equipment!"

 

"Reverend, I assure you that I will be happy to either get this phone working or replace it once you let me have a look at it."

 

"I don't want this phone repaired, I want one that works out of the box!"

 

"Regardless, I have to make sure that this is a warranty issue before I can provide you with a replacement."

 

"Fine... here."

 

So I get the phone, attempt to power it on and get nothing...

 

"Did you leave the charged battery that I gave you on it or did you swap it out with the one in the box?"

 

"I left the one you gave me on it."

 

"Hmmm..."

 

So I break out the screwdriver set and proceed to take the cover off the $549 phone and wasn't very surprised at all to see liquid inside the cover.

 

"Did you drop this in liquid?"

 

"No! It just stopped working! (mistake #3)"

 

"Really? It smells like beer."

 

"I'm a Baptist minister, son (mistake #4)... I do not drink beer."

 

"You've got beer in your phone... smells like Coors Light, actually."

 

"Are you inferring..."

 

"I'm not inferring anything. Right after you left here, you went right across the street to Wild Wings and got their lunch special, which consists of 20 wings and a pitcher of either Budweiser or Coors Light. You dropped your phone in the pitcher of beer when you were playing darts with the bartender. You told him that it wasn't a big deal because people always respect men of the cloth and you'd get another one for free. You fished the phone out of the beer, stuck it on your napkin to dry, ordered a shot of Beam, paid your tab and left. The only thing I can't figure out is how I beat you back here because I wasn't even done with my burger yet when you left."

 

"I will not stand here and be slandered! I demand a full refund! I want to cancel! I know my rights as a consumer!"

 

"Sorry, you're under contract. The cancellation fee is $200 per line."

 

"What?! I demand to speak with the manager!" (he is completely fucking unhinged by this point)

 

"I am the manager."

 

"No you aren't! I want to speak with him now."

 

"You are."

 

We continued in this vein until I finally called the cops when he threatened to burn down the store.

 

Working retail sucks, yes... but being right is worth it sometimes.

[Light_of_Reason]

That, Jose, is one of the best retail stories I have ever heard. It easily competes with the stuff on the page I posted the link to that does not seem to work.

 

What makes it better is that the man was a baptist minister that you caught not only in the act of drinking but also lying.

[Jose]

Yeah, that was really the best part of it for me. I wish I remembered what he was driving though.

 

It would really cement his hypocrisy for me if he had rolled up in a Jag or something.

 

It's bad enough he sells enough God to afford a Rolex.

 

Maybe I should change careers?

[Light_of_Reason]

It's bad enough he sells enough God to afford a Rolex.

 

And let's not forget about the tailor-fitted Armani suit he was wearing.

 

I wonder if that preacher remembered how difficult Christ says it is for the wealthy to enter heaven or if he just doesn't care as long as he lives the good life in the here and now??

[Curtdude]

Food service and retail was just hell. Damn it but there are just a lot of total and complete doofuses and wannabee nouveau-riche snobs out there.

 

I'll never forget MissEastCoast who was shocked that the store I worked in did not carry an evergreen colored teakettle...it was "the" color of the season and anyone who would be so foolish as to waste their lives working retail in such a low class joint should be shot.

 

One of the few times I had hoped there was a hell, just so she could burn there for awile. :angry:

[Cerise]

Stoned...hah, I only wish.

 

But one thing anyway, I always tip big. Anyone delivering to casa al Cerise is going away with at least $5 dollars in tip. If my order comes to $12.95 (which it almost always does) I just shove a twenty at the guy. I can't be bothered to deal with change.

 

My grandparents, however, are a different story. Cheap beyond believe.

 

Once they made me follow a waitress into the bathroom once, under orders that I was to make sure that she understood that our table had not received its change yet (a measley four dollars). I went, but I only gave the poor girl a "hi, how ya doin'" at the sink, washed my hands, and then lied to my grandparents upon returning to the table.

 

The thing is, they are absolutely loaded, while I'm a "starving student" and such. Shouldn't they be shelling out big tips while I act the part of the stingy cheap-ass?

[Java]

Jose, you rock. That's the best damn story I've heard.

 

We always have to get the pizza back, because we will get scammers. When people ask why, I just say it's our stores policy. This is of course if it's not a definite "we fucked up" thing - if I took the order for pepperoni and made it ham and sausage, dude just keep it, it's my bad, sorry we'll have yours there soon as possible.

 

You also know when I realize I'm talking to a nice person or a tipper - my voice and demeanor changes to "lets help this person out." Like the Keefe's in Randolph, they're three dollars but the nicest old man and woman, and by the time they ask for senior discount I tell them I've already hooked them up with a better deal. They love all our drivers, and that's because they're nice in a bad part of town.

 

And the woman on Pine St in Holbrook, she's REALLY specific on the thin crust she gets but she used to be a waitress. If I'm driving and she orders I do the pizza 'cause I know I'll do it right.

 

There was the one time (this refers to the pizza come back rule) where I sent a driver out to a party of the previously mentioned Daddy's Little Credit-Card Girls. It came out of the over steaming, went into a steaming hotbag, and went with a driver who has a heated seat. Bitch calls me back in the snotty-ass voice, saying the pizza was "ice cold" and "I don't wanna eat that crap." (You're life's gonna suck in college then, bitch.) Said I'd remake the pizzas and said specifically that we needed them back. Did so, listening to my driver bitch how they had no lights and no numbers. She goes out. Driver comes back, says the bitch told her I said they could throw them out, and suggested snobbily she look in their garbage for them, while the girl behind her were all like "Yay, more food!". Dianna told her we weren't a fucking charity and walked away. I fucking dared the phone to ring so I could chew them out.

 

Yeah, there's different kinds of poor people. The Grove is working class and they tip awesome - you've gotta hunt to find a stiff there. Then there's the trailer park, and you can really tell by how the place looks - if it's clean, or looks like they try, they're cool, but the shitcans are exact change. Rich people seem to like to follow exact formulas, although there was this one house with all these Bush/Cheney signs where the woman just handed me a twenty on a cheese and told me to keep it.

 

And then there's the race issue, which always gets this huge fight going here. If you've worked as a waitress, like Auntie Reach, you know the general consensis, but I'm happy to say I have been getting some people who break the mold. Like the total gangsta who hooked a sista up - he was also massively hot...

[Dark Helmet]

Haha yeah I remember some good stories from when I worked at Canadian Tire, a retail store here in Canada. I worked in the Hardware department and this guy comes up to me because he had buyed a caulk tube and it had exploded when he tried to use it. Like the bottom had litteraly exploded and there was caulk everywhere on his gun. Thinking it might have been defective I took another one on the shelf and tested it to make sure it was okay. You probably all did some caulking some time in your life, I hadn't really so I just cut the tip and started pumping. It wasn't long before I felt some resistance so I read the instructions printed on the side : 1) cut the tip... okay 2)insert sharp object to break sceal AHHH So voilà! It worked perfectly. The guy left quite embarassed and the other customers were like "RTFM next time!"

 

I had a really weird client once, he had some kind of compulsive behavior : he wanted a toaster but the box had to be perfect. We had about 70 boxes in stock... I swear I was going to rip his head off by the time he finally took one.

 

One other time a guy comes up to me, he didn't even look around and asked for the ShopVacs... which were right behind him : a row about 4 foot high with models and bags, everything. Why don't people take the time to look around a bit, especially for big objects like that. It's like an elephant in a hallway. I understand if they're looking for something very specific and usually small they'll come right for us because we'll save them an hour of search but I can't stand the customers that can't even look for themselves a bit.

 

More to come later maybe.. it's getting early

[sonofspong]

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this one, but as a former Domino's delivery guy, there was one statement that pissed me off beyond all others...

 

Customer: "30 minutes or less...or its free right?"

 

I think to myself "you can't be fucking serious."

 

 

In case you're wondering, ill clear it up. Domino's ended that 30 mins or less thing over a decade ago because too many customers would purposely exploit the policy if driver happened to get there in just under 30 minutes. This forced the drivers to drive recklessly to deliver the pizza on time.

[Guest Challenger]

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this one, but as a former Domino's delivery guy, there was one statement that pissed me off beyond all others...

 

Customer: "30 minutes or less...or its free right?"

 

I think to myself "you can't be fucking serious."

 

 

In case you're wondering, ill clear it up. Domino's ended that 30 mins or less thing over a decade ago because too many customers would purposely exploit the policy if driver happened to get there in just under 30 minutes. This forced the drivers to drive recklessly to deliver the pizza on time.

 

Sometimes the customers wouldn't unlock their gates, or else they took a really long time coming to the door, even if you had already been there five minutes. Little scams like that.

[Java]

OH GOD YEAH. People, we stopped that in 1993! TEN YEARS AGO GIMME A BREAK! Hate those people SO MUCH because they're always stiffers.

 

Awesome story: woman well known for extravagant tips (we were very specific to new drivers EXACTLY where she was, and since she was in Randolph which isn't so good we were very explanatory) orders near Christmas. Lucky me delivers. She hands me the money (with 5$ tip) and an envelope and says "Merry Christmas!" Get to the car, drive away a bit, and look inside. Crisp 20$. You don't believe the lengths I go to make sure that woman gets everything PERFECT.

 

Do Not Insult Your Pizza Maker. Especially if you are rude to drivers too and ESPECIALLY if you're openly of a religion with dietary restrictions. It's symbolic more than anything because I will not spit or otherwise tamper with food, but if a thin layer of bacon fat happens to accidentally land on your pizza... well, accidents happen right? I've only done this once, and trust me you have to be REALLY nasty. Not just stone stiff, but a scammer and rude and send kids to door so you don't have to look the driver in the face. It was either that or stomp on the damn thing in the box.

 

Will post more after this storm clears.

[Curtdude]

.....Do Not Insult Your Pizza Maker. ....

 

I think these are great words to live by.

[Amethyst]

.....Do Not Insult Your Pizza Maker. ....

 

I think these are great words to live by.

 

Definitely bumper sticker or T-shirt material.

[white_raven23]

It's pretty stupid to insult ANYONE responsible for handling your food. Especially when you aren't able to see it being prepaired.

 

Bet customers can be pretty stinking rude to Subway, Quiznos, or any deli situation where the food is in front of the customer the whole time. Must suck to be an employee there.

[godlessgrrl]

This whole thread is making me want to go watch the movie Clerks.

[Lanakila]

Yep, this job would be great if it weren't for the fucking customers.

[I Broke Free]

Curious?

 

I have actually broken up with people that I was dating after seeing how they treated “people behind the counter,” Have any of you? They actually thought they were impressing me with their abilities, but all I saw was a total jerk!

 

 

IBF

[Caretaker]

I've also had my share of nice customers too.... One time, there was this one customer, who, out of sheer luck, failed to get the pizza made in a timely manner for her. I had to giver her back her check both times, and she was very understanding of how sometimes probability can play out unfavorably like this once in a while...

[Asuryan]

*scratches head*

Hmm... my boyfriend has worked for some years as a pizza deliverer. A friend of mine did the same thing in a different city. I worked for some years as a call center operator.

 

They never had any problems... at all. No one telling them "Son, do you know who I am?" no one refusing to pay even if their pizzas arrived late, no complaints...

 

About myself, I always laugh when I read those stories about phone operators speaking with really rude customers, "don't talk to me as if I was stupid" "It just stopped working" and so on. They're funny, but nothing of the sort has ever happened to me. More often than not, the customers thanked me, and they never screamed or asked to speak with my supervisor.

 

Every time I read stories about bad customers, both for ordering pizza and for phone - technical operators, those stories are from an american website.

 

Could it depend from the country? Because I am really, really, really puzzled about how it can be.

[Java]

OH MY SWEET JESUS.

 

So I'm driving tonight, and as I'm about to pull in I see a 5yo kid standing in the middle of a parking space. Okaaaay... smart place to stand kiddo, but okay. I pull in on the other side of the door.

 

As I walk up the stairs to the door, I look over at the kid... and stop dead.

 

Kid's pants are unzipped and he's pissing all over the parking space. In full view of (I assumed of hispanic/latin descent from look, they didn't speak English well) his parents, who seem to condone behavior.

 

And as I'm gawking, he turns to me and smile, his little uncircumcised wang bopping.

 

 

I went inside, in goddamn shock. Brought their pizza out to the woman and said "Uh... you DO know we have bathrooms inside, right?" Lady smiles and nods, not understanding the fucking language.

 

Patty threw water on the spot of piss and cussed them out for being fucking rude. No speakie English again.

 

...Am I the only one who thinks letting your kid piss in the middle of a public place while you stay inside your car is just fucking retarded?

[nightflight]

Oh hell Java I piss all over the place.

[Java]

1. You're an adult.

 

2. Even if you didn't like our nice clean bathroom, there's a big ol' empty lot with trees right next to us. You'd at least piss there instead of in the middle of our busy Saturday-night lot?

 

3. And not leave your bits out for all to see while you walk off the post-pee blues?

[charley]

Man, I can relate to this thread! I've been working closely with people for years and years doing a wide variety of things, and whenever I talk to friends and bring up the same things as discussed here, I'm met with disinterest and a philosophical-write-off like "...oh well, that's how it goes'..." . and that's never been good enough for me. The humor makes reading this thread very therapeutic.

 

One business I've had for years (recently quit before I started hurting clients, seriously...) was one where I supplied strippers to bachelor parties, and accompanied them as their bodyguard. One group of regular clients, who were unusual in that they did not anger me and were not stupid, had a tredition at the parties we always enjoyed. Instead of ordering twenty pizzas or more at once for the evening, they would make 10 or more seperate calls each night. Every time the pizza guy would come, the girls (at least two) would drag him out to the middle of the floor, take off his hat and shirt, and give him the lap dance of his life. Bear in mind that these were always extremely beautiful girls, fit, didn't drink or smoke....the poor, poor guys. After a couple of songs the girls would put his shirt and hat on (sometimes both backwards, and they didn't seem to care), the guys would tip him 10 bucks or so, and send him on his way. Then, when the 9 or so other calls were made that night...boy, would we get fast service. We would hear the brakes squeal when they came, this time different guys each time, with big smiles on their faces. Each one would be treated to the same, and the same dance, with everyone chanting loudly all through it "...PIZZA GUY, PIZZA GUY...", and the same big tip. One time, they threw us a curve, and a girl driver showed ip. Not bad looking, either. Well, after one of the girls tactfully inquired by whispering in the drivers ear, it turned out she was bi and, by the way of remarkable coincidence, would just love a lap-dance...... and she tried to molest the dancers worse then the guys...I think she got the biggest tip ever....

[Java]

 

 

....

 

*where the hell is the drool smily...*

[Amethyst]

 

 

...Am I the only one who thinks letting your kid piss in the middle of a public place while you stay inside your car is just fucking retarded?

 

No. That's just...gross. Not to mention, child neglect.

 

Toilet not working is the only reason I can even remotely see it happening, but if their toilet isn't working and they can't call a plumber because they don't speak the langauge, the least they can do is take the kid to the nearest gas station or fast food place.