I Need Advice About Coming Out To My Wife

[bapainter]

I recently became an exC and I think it's time to talk to my wife about it. I love her with all my heart and don't want to create any fear or emotional pain for her, but, I can't lie to her either. We have been together for 29 years and our life together has always been rooted in Christianity. I know she'll be willing to listen, but I'd love to have a resource to help answer her questions. I figure she'll come around in her on time so, I wanted a simple resource she could go to as she thinks of questions

 

I appreciate this forum so much and I'm looking forward to your thoughtful responses.

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, bapainter, and welcome to ExC.

 

i think one of the very best resources for people who may have some questions about Christianity is none other than Ex-Christian.net. There are some very knowledgable people right here who are only too happy to assist someone who may have some serious questions about Christianity even though the person asking is still a Christian.

 

If she is interested, she could register here and ask any question she cares to ask. If she would prefer not to register, she could tell you her questions and you could post them for her.

 

Edit: I corrected your name because my spell check gave you a new name. LOL

[mydisplayname]

You did one thing right so far though. You asked us this question and you didn't just rush into it.

 

What didn't work. 

• I wasn't finished deconverting fully and didn't have enough answers to answer my own questions never mind hers. When I came out I sounded very unsure which gave her some kind of hope that I will change my mind. Telling her at that stage was an unkindness.
• I was unprepared and made promises that I'm not keeping. e.g. Promising that I will still attend church, still teach my son about god etc. It was stupid to make them. My integrity was affected by not keeping these promises, but I cannot in good conscience keep them. It's a no win situation for me now.

Heads up.

• There will be crying. Imagine her reaction should you tell her you've been unfaithful. Same reaction in my case.
• Irrationality will be the name of the game. Be prepared for this.
• The question, "So now you're an atheist" will be asked, meanly. Be prepared to state exactly what you believe and why you believe it.

Remember, she still believes that  you are going to be tortured for eternity. Be patient with her.

 

My wife and I are at a stage where she doesn't want to discuss it anymore. For now our lives are back to normal.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Welcome to Ex-C.  I've been deconverted for nearly 7 months and I still haven't told my parents and siblings.  I want to make sure I've got all the information I need beforehand.  Just wanted to welcome you and wish you all the best with this.  Keep posting and asking questions, we'll do what we can to help.

[Margee]

bapainter, Welcome to EX-c! We're glad you're here with us. You never have to feel alone in this issue again. Hundreds of us have landed up here with the exact same loss of faith. 

 

Many on here will give you great words of advice on how to go about telling your wife. Take it slow if she's not open to it. Unfortunately for some, it can be the most terrible news they can learn about their spouse. It's been a huge dilemma on this board. Stay here and read, read, read. Your gut instincts will show you eventually how to go about this. For now, just keep loving her the same as you always have. 

 

Glad to have you here with us! Best wishes to you on this new journey.

[Thought2Much]

A lot depends upon what kind of Christianity you and your wife have been a part of up until now. If she's a lapsed Catholic with some non-specific theology that involves a god of some sort, then you might be okay just having an open conversation about it.

 

However, if she's a lifelong believer who grew up in the Pentecostal Assemblies of God denomination, who is a Sunday school teacher, and whose father and brother are both currently Assemblies of God pastors, and whose family is the worship team, and whose best friend is a worship leader at another local church, and they all believe in young earth creationism... and... that's gotten really specific, hasn't it? Anyway, the "coming out" conversation in that case may be a bit rough. It didn't end in divorce in my case, but my marriage hasn't been quite right for a long time at least in part because of my apostasy.

 

If there's any way you can introduce the idea that you've deconverted slowly, that might help. I did my "coming out" all in one dramatic go, and that may not have been the best approach.

[TrueFreedom]

I did it very gradually.  I tried to include her in some of my early doubts, but that never went well.  I spent a year watching science and history documentaries with her before admitting that I no longer believed in God when she asked me.  It was still devastating to her.  Several months later she told me that she agreed with me.  If your wife is open to considering that her God-beliefs might be mistaken these books might be helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/50-Simple-Questions-Every-Christian-ebook/dp/B00CGHRBZW/ref=la_B001JP2MJC_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1411744162&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Reason-Driven-Life-What-Earth-ebook/dp/B002FL3TA0/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1411744394&sr=1-1&keywords=the+reason+driven+life

[LongWayAround]

I became and exC this year and went through the process of revealing that to my wife too.  This thread chronicles the journey of telling my wife:

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/62667-i-took-the-first-small-step-in-coming-out-to-my-wife/#.VCWEmfldVKU

 

Like others have said, I would take it slow if you can.  It was a shock to me to realize that I no longer believed.  I can only imagine how much of shock it is for your spouse to reveal that their world view has changed dramatically.  Good luck.

[florduh]

Each case is highly individual, so it's hard to offer useful advice on that.

 

I can say that you don't need to arm yourself with defenses and explanations for the conclusion you've arrived at. You will not win any battles against faith no matter what you bring to the table. Should she start having her own doubts, there are plenty of resources to help educate her, but it should be her idea to do so.

 

Best of luck.

[bapainter]

Thanks everyone! Your words of encouragement mean a lot. I still find it hard to believe how friendly this forum is. I'll keep posting here so you can share in my journey. :-)

[bapainter]

While trying to compile a list of questions that I felt my wife may ask, I realized that it would be better to get a list of questions from ExCs who have already been through this. So, if you have dealt with coming out to family or friends, please take a moment and jot down some of the questions you were asked about your deconversion.

 

I am taking everyone's advice to take my time coming out and I'm researching any questions she may have plus the questions I had that lead to my loss of faith.

 

Thanks so much for taking time to help with this. I want to get to a point where I can help new exchristians like you guys have helped me.

 

Bp

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Do you have children or are you planning to have them?  If so, your wife will probably have questions about how they will be raised.  She may come under pressure from her family to separate.  Her family (or yours) may try to influence the children with religion against your wishes.

[Ellwood]

I found myself in the same situation and did not come out in the best way. It came out on an Easter Sunday car drive. And it did not go well.

 

Several conclusions. Someone mentioned don't make promises you can't keep like you will talk to the pastor, read certain books, attend church, etc. You will be tempted to say these things but in the end they will give your spouse false hope that you will return to belief. And your integrity will be questioned because I think you will discover these efforts are useless. I have had so many conversations with friends who "just want to chat". Other than letting them know I still care about them, nothing good comes from them and they again only gave my wife false hope.

 

My coming out caused several years of crazy moments and days. Almost enough for a book. Get ready for a period in your life that will mature you further. In the end I don't regret coming out and living who I am publicly. We are all here to give support.

[RipVanWinkle]

bapainter: I have been married to my wife for many years and would do nothing at all to jeopardize our r3lationship. A year or so ago I told her of my deconversion. It was a bigger problem than I thought it would be. We have reached an understanding that we will not engage in discussions about Xtianity. It is not a problem that a Xtian   will discuss logically, no matter  how logical you think she is. No one becomes a Xtian through reason, at least no one I know of. It is a deep seated emotional commitment. I agreed with her to avoid talking about Xtianity because she is not a fundamentalist and she doesn't buy into the crazy ideas that make some Xtians deny the reality of what they see right before them. She  believes in a loving god and a call to do  good to people in need. So her life as a Xtian is not at all bad. If it gives her comfort I don't want to take that away from her, even if I could.

 

What you want to do (tell your wife of your change from faith is risky I suggest you don't jump into it. Do it slowly rather than all at once. If you learn that her reaction will likely be explosive, you should consider backing off. Like me. maintaining your marital status is your priority. I see nothing wrong with withholding your deconversion from her as long as necessary. At least until you are comfortable she will not over react. Frankly, I don't think lying is bad in all circumstances. If the outcome will avoid hurting someone unnecessarily it can be preferable. What would be the fairest outcome for everyone concerned? Is. Will the truth hurt someone? Will withholding it avoid that?

Sometimes people use the truth as a weapon to hurt someone. I know that is not your intention. It is jus t an example of when it is better to lie than tell the truth. Anyway, these are just my suggestions for you to either use or not use at your own discretion. Good luck.  bill

[RipVanWinkle]

bapainter: I have been married to my wife for many years and would do nothing at all to jeopardize our r3lationship. A year or so ago I told her of my deconversion. It was a bigger problem than I thought it would be. We have reached an understanding that we will not engage in discussions about Xtianity. It is not a problem that a Xtian   will discuss logically, no matter  how logical you think she is. No one becomes a Xtian through reason, at least no one I know of. It is a deep seated emotional commitment. I agreed with her to avoid talking about Xtianity because she is not a fundamentalist and she doesn't buy into the crazy ideas that make some Xtians deny the reality of what they see right before them. She  believes in a loving god and a call to do  good to people in need. So her life as a Xtian is not at all bad. If it gives her comfort I don't want to take that away from her, even if I could.

 

What you want to do (tell your wife of your change from faith is risky I suggest you don't jump into it. Do it slowly rather than all at once. If you learn that her reaction will likely be explosive, you should consider backing off. Like me. maintaining your marital status is your priority. I see nothing wrong with withholding your deconversion from her as long as necessary. At least until you are comfortable she will not over react. Frankly, I don't think lying is bad in all circumstances. If the outcome will avoid hurting someone unnecessarily it can be preferable. What would be the fairest outcome for everyone concerned? Is. Will the truth hurt someone? Will withholding it avoid that?

Sometimes people use the truth as a weapon to hurt someone. I know that is not your intention. It is jus t an example of when it is better to lie than tell the truth. Anyway, these are just my suggestions for you to either use or not use at your own discretion. Good luck.  bill

[francesco]

it really depends on your wife christianity tho

is she more conservative/fundamentalist?is she more liberal/progressive?

if she is more liberal/progressive, you may have an easier process to come out to her

if she is more conservative, I would say forget it, don't make your life worse, it will be fight, drama and arguments

[LongWayAround]

So, if you have dealt with coming out to family or friends, please take a moment and jot down some of the questions you were asked about your deconversion.

These were the questions my wife asked me after I had fully disclosed that I had deconverted:

 

What morals do you have now?  I explained that for the most part they are unchanged and gave some specifics (in reality, I live by a higher moral code than the god of the bible). 

 

Are you planning to divorce me now that you are no longer bound by a religious vow?  I was surprised by this statement and reassured her that I am committed to her.

 

With no god or religion, why are we here?  I told her my personal philosophy was to live the fullest life possible, be the best husband, father, etc. possible, leave the world a better place than we found it, and help those less fortunate than ourselves.

 

Do you pray and if so when was the last time you prayed for real? No. I prayed about three months ago that god would reveal the truth to me.  Ha ha, the only prayer he ever answered....I feel like now I do know the truth...there is no god.

 

Have you told anyone about your deconversion and what will you say if someone asks?  No. If asked I will tell them the truth.

[Ellinas]

The general advice has to be "take your time, think ahead, don't use your deconversion as a bludgeon" (which is a very real danger even if you don't realize you are doing it).

 

Also, make sure that you are telling her because that is what you think is good for both of you, rather than out of some (probably misguided) sense of guilt.  The question is whether it will be better, from the standpoint of her ideas, your relationship and general tactics to reach the best possible outcome, to speak now or bide your time.  Only you can judge.

 

Also be aware that a big issue may be not so much what you do or do not believe as what knock on effect this will have on her social and family circles.

 

My wife asked me in a recent conversation:

1. What was the history of my change of heart.
2. How I can sleep at night not believing.
3. Whether this was grounds for divorce.  This took me completely by surprise.
4. Did god really know before he created this world that sin would occur (odd one that - I thought she knew her bible a bit better than to ask this)

Best of luck.

[bapainter]

GOOD NEWS!!

 

I had an opportunity to talk to my wife Sunday evening about my deconversion. She was understandably speechless at first, but then calmly asked me a ton of questions. We stayed up talking until 5am Monday morning. We have a long way to go, but so far, we have started out on the right foot.

 

Thanks for all the input. She asked every question you guys had listed here. :-) I'm so glad I talked to you first. I felt better prepared to answer her questions and I made sure to point out that my love for her is not based on religion or fulfilling a duty. I love her because I choose to love her, not fear of sin or obligation. We haven't talked like that for a long time. It was so encouraging.

 

Thanks everyone!

Bp

[mydisplayname]

Well, that's awesome news.

 

I wish I asked the questions like you did before I came out to mine.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Thats great to hear, bapainter.  Happy for you.

[Ellinas]

I'm very pleased for you.

[amateur]

Sounds great!  Hope everything keeps working out well!

[RipVanWinkle]

That's great barpainter. I"m sure you know how lucky you are to have such a wife.   bill