Fernweh Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 I've always had a stormy relationship with my Dad. My first memories of him are of an angry man who was rather quick to punish me for little things. He never liked my mother and I spending any time together from as far back as I can remember. I've never felt a father son connection with him and the entire concept of that was foreign to me until I had my own son. At best he's a difficult person to live with, quick to anger, and quite possibly Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disorder. If he were a random person and not my dad I probably wouldn't want to be in the same room with him. I spent five years not talking to him for various reasons and today I tolerate him in spite of our differences. About a year ago the thought crossed my mind that perhaps he's not my biological father. My mom takes all of the bible's mixed messages about marriage and a woman's place literally. She believes marriage is an act of god and has wasted her entire life in this belief. Maybe I've been naive forever but until last year I never could have imagined my mom being unfaithful to my dad in spite of his personality and behavior. However, for the last year this thought has been nagging at me constantly and in retrospect almost my entire life makes more sense if this man is not my biological father. So, I brought this up to my parents and to my amazement my mother immediately admitted to having an affair right before she became pregnant with me. Her and my dad both insist the timing of her pregnancy is such that I could only be his son but I'm not so sure. They both insist we look alike and that's something I've never completely accepted. I think we look similar in the same way people who are married for a long time kind of look alike. My dad is very willing to let me swab his cheek and do a DNA test. I'm debating whether I really want to do this. My parents are both very confident there's no way any other man could be my biological father but this was 43 years ago and they've had a lot of time to convince themselves. Any thoughts on this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 I wouldn't want to try and influence you one way or the other. I will, however, make the observation that from what you say, this issue is extremely important to you and has been playing on your mind for a long time. If you do nothing, it may continue to play on your mind. If you do the test, and he is your biological father, then you would have to find another explanation for the unease you feel about your relationship with him. I think it is good that both of your parents are not perturbed by your questioning of your paternity, as a lot of people might be... these are very personal issues for most people. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to help you work through your feelings about this decision and prepare yourself for either outcome, if you decide to do the test? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fernweh Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 I haven't thought about any counseling. I think just the fact that there was an affair very near the time I was conceived could have planted the seeds of doubt in my dad even though they both insist they have no doubts. This itself explains a lot of things between us. I think my main fear is if the results were negative, that my father is actually someone else, that this could have a negative impact on my parents now. I think if I do go ahead I'm going to tell them the results are going to stay with me regardless and I'll never tell them. It's for my information only. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 That approach makes some sense. Just bear in mind that they might try to deduce the result from your behaviour, which could become problematic. I wonder too, if the result is negative, would you want the man your mother had the affair with to know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fernweh Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 At this point in life, no, I would not seek out that person. I don't see any upside to that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilentLoner Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 I say go ahead and do it. Its a good answer to have, and I think it would become more a bother as time went on it you didn't get it. Just my two cents of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Llwellyn Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 You are both adults now, and genetic ancestry is not as relevant as it once was for you. The fact is that you are genetically related to everyone on earth, and all adults who are 25 years older than you are your aunts and uncles. I would not be as concerned with whether he was genetically your father. At this point he is simply another fellow human, fellow adult. Whether he was/is your father is a function of affection and loyalty more than biology. “It is not flesh and blood, but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.” Friedrich von Schiller. Is he/was he your father? This cannot be determined by a DNA test. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted September 29, 2014 Super Moderator Share Posted September 29, 2014 It sounds to me like your father has spent the last 43 years wondering, too. That would certainly explain his behavior towards you and towards your mother spending time with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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