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The New Kadonian Chronicles

Brother Jeff

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The New Kadonian Chronicles


The fascinating history of New Kadonia begins about the year 6000 B.C. (Earth calendar). By this time, the primordial amino acids had formed DNA which evolved into sea slime, then dinosaurs, then zukodrits (horses), nergeebippees (apes), and finally modern New Kadonians.


You may be wondering what happened to Old Kadonia. Well, let me tell you. Take your shoes off, sit a spell. Way back in 3025 B.C., the known world of the Kadonians was divided into two neighboring clans, the Nerklebips and the Zeebledribbins. At first everything was great. The world prospered as the two clans shared in culture and commerce. However, perhaps their greatest achievement was the development of backgammon, a frustrating and stupid game. During backgammon, the tribal chiefs pulled their noses as a gesture of approval. This practice eventually resulted in a mutation. This is why they now have pointed noses. Anyway, the common people became envious of the ruling class. War broke out. Chief Hesbernippen of the Zeebledribbins, a great visionary for his time, believed that if war were to continue, the Kadonian race would perish. After much thought, he organized the Order of the Benevolent Bullet-catchers. Spending much time in meditation, he wrote sacred scriptures which brought peace to the known world. Unknown to these primitive tribes, on a distant continent, a highly advanced civilization prospered. In 2975 B.C., the Malkornerbins discovered the Nerklebips and Zeebledribbins. After initial contact was made, the technology of the two primitive tribes was updated. However, this new knowledge caused war between the Nerklebips and the Zeebledribbins again. The Malkornerbins built a spaceship for the peace loving Zeebledribbins. In 2900 B.C., the Zeebledribbins left Kadonia for a new world. Chief Hesbernippen, now an old man, made the journey with them. After traveling ten years at Warp 7, they arrived near Earth, on a red planet called Mars by Earthlings. They shielded the planet to avoid detection, and in honor of Chief Hesbernippen, who died in route, they set their society up on his sacred scriptures.


In 2700 B.C., The New Kadonians began to visit Earth to help them along in their technological development. They are responsible for many advancements and for the legends of extraterrestrial visits in ancient times.


I hope this brief, sketchy history has been helpful. How did I know all of this? I am a New Kadonian sent to Earth to help bring further advancement and peace to Earth.

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