Fundy Families On Facebook

[decafaholic]

I haven't visited the forums in at least a year because for the most part, I'm doing okay in the world and things that used to bother me don't. My husband and I are doing great in our Christ-free existence. No complaints really.

 

But that all went to shit today.

 

My sister and her husband became foster parents about 6 years ago. (For non-US readers: They serve as a temporary home for children who are removed by the courts from their parents.)

 

Their 3 children are all adopted through foster care and for years I thought it was so great that they were willing to take on a job like that, because it's not easy. But within the last year or so, it's obviously gotten to be a much bigger burden since they now have a family of three small children, one who is constantly sick, to raise and they just keep saying yes to case workers when they call with another kid. 

 

Last year, they took in a boy who was absolute hell on wheels. My sister told me once she was afraid of what the boy might do to her children. Mom told me one night my sister called her crying from the closet, having somewhat of a nervous breakdown because she didn't know if she could take it anymore. They turned their lives upside down for this kid for about 10 months and finally got him sent to a ranch for troubled teens. We were all so relieved when he left.

 

Basically what I'm trying to convey is that I have no idea why my sister keeps inviting chaos into her already-chaotic life. It's hard enough with 3 kids under the age of 6. Why keep taking in more foster kids when there is no more room in her house to put them and she's running around like crazy trying to keep up? 

 

I think I got my answer, and it's scary.

 

She shared this link on Facebook today. I read the article. I don't recommend you do. It's pretty fucked up. The gist of it is, a mommy blogger writes about how her life is already really chaotic and stressful, but she keeps taking in more foster kids because God wants her to. God is not interested in how exhausted she is or how thin she is stretched. God always wants her to take on more. It's not easy doing God's will, and she may not like it, but by god, this is what god has called her to do.

 

It's stomach churning how this woman feels that God doesn't care if she's comfortable taking in more kids, she's just supposed to do it because the Bible says so.

 

And if that's how my sister and brother in law feel too...damn. Because when someone is convinced that a demanding god requires something of them, there's nothing you can do to change their minds. This makes me sad.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

And like many preachers, they really don't give a damn what it does to their kids, as long as they FEEL like they are kissing the ass of Jesus and groveling under his easy yoke and light burden. I know a missionary couple in Africa whose little one was raped by one of the native pastors. They chose to not say anything and told her to forgive, because that's what being a Christian is all about... Evil shit that they call love and the death-of-self-obedience.

[Lucy]

At what point does one decide god doesn't want them to get more kids? Never? God always wants you to have more kids? It seems like she wants to "suffer for her faith" and is using foster kids to do it.

 

I knew a family with a bunch of foster kids. All the kids were taken away one day because the oldest kid raped the youngest.

 

I think it's good to foster, but having too many doesn't seem like a good idea.

 

 

And like many preachers, they really don't give a damn what it does to their kids, as long as they FEEL like they are kissing the ass of Jesus and groveling under his easy yoke and light burden. I know a missionary couple in Africa whose little one was raped by one of the native pastors. They chose to not say anything and told her to forgive, because that's what being a Christian is all about... Evil shit that they call love and the death-of-self-obedience.

 

I hate this sort of "forgive everything" attitude. They're putting their child in danger and feel no regrets about it because they know god wants them to do it.

[Sheerbliss]

I was adopted by relatives who'd raised three juvenile delinquents and were grandparents at age 33. Dad hated every minute he had to spend on his family, but Mom didn't want to get off her big fat butt, get a divorce, and get a job. So there I landed, in a house where I always knew I wasn't wanted. Lucky me.

 

People who bring unwanted children into a rocky marriage or, in this case, because they think god wants them to are incredibly selfish.

[RedStar]

It's very scary when people do this, it doesn't end well. A person who is too stressed but doesn't let up will do a great deal of damage to their metal and possibly physical health. One thing I don't get is why they can't acknowledge that if god wanted them to do that and didn't care about them as long as what he wanted got done that this god would be a very selfish being. If anyone else behaved like that I'll bet they would not like or have anything to do with them but all kinds of excuses are made for god. It's probably fear of ending up in hell that does it.

 

I have a 7th day Adventist cousin who had 3 children, they've moved a few times and are currently living in a different state, my cousin does an Adventist news TV show. I worry about how the children feel about this and what it may be doing to them. The oldest child is almost 13 an has anxiety problems which my cousin was talking to us about at Xmas. When I saw this girl, she was hiding behind my cousin and she looked scared. While she was playing with the other kids she seemed fine which is good but I'm still worried. My cousin is very big on the whole end of the world thing which is something that could terrify kids. Not sure if that's what's causing Hannah's anxiety or not though. My cousin has anxiety issues too, but didn't say why. I'm hoping she doesn't work herself into the ground or ruin her relationship with her kids, her father wasn't around much for her which hurt her a lot but now she's doing the same thing.

[Burny]

Wow. That is fucked up. I have a very similar story to share about a couple I know well. They were young and successful and had a beautiful daughter. She never wanted more kids and they were pursuing their careers.

 

Than they became evangelicals and their pastor encouraged them to stop using birth control and start letting god decide how many children they should have.

 

Her next child was a boy with severe hemophilia. He needs constant care - she had to quit her job and their lives basically went to hell over night. Her next child was a girl, also with some health issues! God was apparently NOT happy with their attitudes towards children.

 

In the most f'd up twist, they are back on birth control, apparently they didn't like god's answer...

 

Brutal. And all of this suffering for a non-existent sky fairy.

[decafaholic]

I want so badly to sit down with her and say, "Please come back to the real world. We miss you here." I remember years ago when I was at the height of my Christian Bad Decisions Tour and I was so deep in the mire of "God wants me to be miserable" and my family was really worried about me.

 

She sat down at her kitchen table with me and had a serious talk about how worried our mother was and how I was in over my head whether I realized it or not. I can't say I changed my mind that night, but it had an impact on me, and a few weeks later I did come to my senses and withdrew from the crazy fundamentalist college I was at.

 

She is the oldest and as such is accustomed to, well, telling people what to do. I don't think it would really work coming from me because she's never taken my advice before and probably won't start now. Plus, it's not just her. She has a husband and I have no idea where he stands on all this, but he must buy in at least partially or they wouldn't be doing it.

 

I don't think they're evil or anything. I love my sister and even though we don't have much in common and I don't always understand her, I'd do pretty much anything for her. I think they're so deep in this obedience to God thing they aren't able to take a step back and see the big picture. And they know I'm not a Christian, so I doubt my observation means much.

 

My Christian mother feels the same way I do, but they've never taken her advice either, even though she's over to their house helping with the kids at least twice a week. 

 

Honestly, the only people my sister would probably listen to are the other foster moms she networks with because she feels like they understand her. 

 

I don't know. I just needed to come here and talk. Thanks for listening, guys.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Ugh.  I once worked under a manager who kept adopting kids from China because of the whole "god wills it" lie.  He and his wife were already stretched thinner than they should have been with their 4 biological kids.  On top of that they got three more Chinese kids, each of whom was emotionally stunted from years of neglect in the Chinese orphanage system.  Their own kids constantly acted out, probably because they weren't getting enough of what should have been (as harsh as it might sound) their rightful attention from their parents.  Add to that the ever-increasing chaos of having three more kids involved who don't speak English that well and who have severe emotional problems and it's a natural recipe for a grand total of seven completely fuckity childhoods.  It's the kind of shit that lingers long after the kid becomes an adult.  And for what?  Jewels in your crown?  I'd rather have my son's love and respect.

[Sheerbliss]

 

 

My Christian mother feels the same way I do, but they've never taken her advice either, even though she's over to their house helping with the kids at least twice a week. 

 

That should be your sister's first clue that she's in over her head: she needs unpaid help to come in at least twice a week. What would she do in an emergency?

 

If your mother feels that way, she ought to quit enabling your sister. There must be something she'd rather be doing besides taking care of somebody else's foster kids--and that's fine. Sometimes all you can do is tell somebody they're about to drive the car over the cliff, and then get out of their car.

[Guest Furball]

Uhg, "god wants this" "god wants that" "leave it up to god" "god will decide for you" I can't stand their delusional reasoning for doing the things they do. I am gonna walk away before i pull my hair out

[rach]

Depressing topic.  As an adoptee I wish I could gather up all the adoptive parents of the world and have a little talk.  If you are not an adoptee, it is impossible to understand the loss and turmoil that goes on inside the spirit of the one that was separated not just from their original parents- but from the life that they were meant to have had.  Not just loss of parents, but loss of life!  I would say this to all adoptive parents, "You cannot save the children!"  Anyone someone, religious or not, goes on about "saving the children" it makes me sick.  You can't save the children.  Whatever tragedy that separated them from their true life and identity has already occurred and the damage is already done.  You in fact- are quite likely to unintentionally cause more damage to the child you are trying to save by your involvement.  In spite of all the politically correct things to say, the truth is, the bond between parents and their adopted kids is different to the bond between children and their natural, biological parents.  My a-parents don't love me as much as their natural children.  They would never say that outloud, but it is true.  I spent very few years with my natural family but I still am 200% more bonded to them and would eagerly return to them if it were possible.  Nature creates the genetic glue that holds families together.  Parents and their adopted kids don't have that glue.  My adoptive dad rarely even looks at me.  My real dad appears in my dreams and we have conversations together. 

 

I believe, as an adoptee, that adoption is primarily a trauma.  The best place for a zebra is with other zebras.  The best place for a child is where nature had naturally intended.  Some kids are born to abusive parents and need to be removed and everything, I totally get that.  But what happens is, they get adopted out into families that end up abusing them because they are too stressed out trying to love and manage someone that doesn't fit in with them and they lack that critical maternal-child bond that happens during the pregnancy.  I feel that adoption is a bad business, primarily, a child-selling business, and a lot of adoptive parents are in it for themselves to gain something for themselves, whether righteousness or trying to "buy" a child's love.  Luckily, my adoptive parents went into this thing with the best intentions and we have struggled our way, and continue struggling, to make this family thing work out.  It is especially a rough road when a child like myself is taken from their culture (a tragedy!  This should never happen).  Solution.  Potential adoptive parents should put themselves aside.  Take themselves out of the equation.  Support children where they are.  Support relatives, extended families, and communities of children who lack parents.  Support programs that work to re-unite families instead of promote adoption. 

[Sheerbliss]

 Support children where they are.  Support relatives, extended families, and communities of children who lack parents.  Support programs that work to re-unite families instead of promote adoption. 

I think you're idealizing biological families. A lot of abused, neglected kids are abused and neglected by their biological parents. It sounds like your natural parents were unable to take care of you, not unwilling. My biological mother would tell me how much she loved me, then run off with a stranger to get high, get laid and have a place to live. She'd rather party down and sleep in than go to work and support herself, let alone a family. She had two other kids she didn't take care of--and blamed all her problems on other people. Nothing can help such a person.

 

I was adopted by relatives who had serious problems raising their own kids. (BTW, we had little in common despite sharing some DNA.) The way you say your adoptive father treated you was the same way my adoptive father treated his biological children. He didn't want any of us. As a blond haired, blue-eyed baby, I could have done better. If I could go back and have my way, I'd rather cast my lot with some nice, loving strangers.

[Lilith666]

Oh, my God. This is terrifying. With other people the thought that having another child might take away from their ability to care for the others, but not this lady. She could have 20 kids and decide to take in another because thanks to biblegod, her ability is unlimited. What about education? I believe that parents who have children should be able not just to provide for the child up to 18 years, but to assist in his or her needs until s/he is reasonably able to be fully independent. Does she think she's going to pay for a good school for all of them? Come on, now.

 

She is clearly a wonderful person who really wants to help these kids, but since there is no man in the sky to shower gifts on us mortals, caring for a truckload of children is impossible for one or two humans in the 21st century. This is such a sad case. I hope your sister and her family have all the support they can get.

[R. S. Martin]

 

 Support children where they are.  Support relatives, extended families, and communities of children who lack parents.  Support programs that work to re-unite families instead of promote adoption. 

I think you're idealizing biological families. A lot of abused, neglected kids are abused and neglected by their biological parents. It sounds like your natural parents were unable to take care of you, not unwilling. My biological mother would tell me how much she loved me, then run off with a stranger to get high, get laid and have a place to live. She'd rather party down and sleep in than go to work and support herself, let alone a family. She had two other kids she didn't take care of--and blamed all her problems on other people. Nothing can help such a person.

 

Thanks for raising this point. My father held to the belief that it is impossible for people to love adopted children as much as they do their biological children. I knew for my own well-being to keep my thoughts to myself but I thought, "If that is true, it's a very good thing you aren't an adoptive parent." Meaning, he was so nasty to his own biological children I could not fathom how he would treat adopted children if he could love them even less. But I knew where he was coming from. His aunt and uncle adopted children my age and did not treat them well. Whether they treated them worse than Dad treated us, I don't know. QUESTION: Would Dad's aunt and uncle have treated their own well, if they could have had biological kids? 

 

Not if my dad was any indication. He was blind to what he was doing to his own children and we could not blame his cruelty on the lack of biological bonds like our adopted cousins could.

 

If I could go back and have my way, I'd rather cast my lot with some nice, loving strangers.

 

 

I have heard of adopted children who felt loved and who grew up in good families. Adoption can and does work. 

[Ravenstar]

I was raised  by my paternal grandparents and although loving well-meaning people I never bonded with them… not really - there was always a disconnect. I met my bio mom when I was 27… and we clicked immediately. She's my best friend now.

 

weird huh?

[Sheerbliss]

You can't tell who someone is going to click with. I've known, and known of, people who felt closer to their stepfather than their biological father. Thomas Sowell, the economist, was raised by his aunt, and they fought like cats and dogs. My brother-in-law (a saint) was kicked out his home at age 15 by his mom. 

 

Back to the original subject, though, I watched a documentary called Dark Love about a couple with a teenage daughter who adopted three Russian orphans who didn't speak English. The kids had some attachment problems, but didn't do anything really awful. The family was very loving. Still, they all spent a very stressful year adjusting. 

 

I've read that in tribal cultures, people space their offspring a few years apart, and tended not to have large families. Possibly, then, people might not to be adapted to having a large brood of kids, or having a bunch right in a row. Certainly not a bunch at once. In evolutionary terms, having a large number of kids seems like a recent development.