Journey Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I would love input from some of you regarding how you have handled or ar handling 'coming out' to past christian friends. I haven't been to church services in over 4 years but there are still some friends from my past that I keep loosely in touch with. So far, I have mostly avoided getting into depth about where I am now in my world view. I do not like conflict and figure it's easier just to play along or be silent when 'god talk' comes about. My husband is still a christian but doesn't go to church now either so when our 'christian friends' are around - i just let him talk in reference to the christianese. Yesterday, however, a past fundamentalist/pentecostal christian called to catch up. I haven't seen her in over 3 years and she wants to get together. I feel now that I need to be authentic and upfront with her about my life change and feeling a bit stressed about how to approach it and how much to share. I know she'll be absolutely shocked as I was a worship leader etc a few years back and I'm sure she must believe I'm still a 'solid christian'. I was honest with one person a while back and they basically cut me off and became very defensive. I guess I'm not sure I want to go through that again.
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted January 14, 2015 Moderator Posted January 14, 2015 If you don't want to go through that you might just try to avoid the topic. When she brings it up perhaps state that it's become a more personal subject for you, that everyone has different experiences and perspectives, and/or that you don't like to discuss divisive topics.
mymistake Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Why? The tenants of the Christian faith almost guarantee that these Christians will feel obligated to convert you and save your soul. If you feel stressed about how to approach a topic then it isn't natural. I wouldn't tell anybody you don't feel comfortable with. You don't want to wind up on some prayer chain where a whole church prays that you will come back to Gawd. When I lost my faith I waited until my wife figured it out. Then I confirmed it to her. I reached the point where I wasn't sure if I could hide it anymore so I broke the news to my mother. I did not want her to hear about it second hand. I wanted my mother to hear it from me directly. Neither one of them has ever felt the need to share the information with anybody else. I think they are both ashamed of it and they hope *I* keep it to myself as well. And considering how many missionaries and raving fundies we have in our family I'm in no hurry to be harassed by any of them. My cousin is even a Southern Baptist preacher who styles himself as a Defender of the Fatih. Think about who is in your family and circle of friends. I would simply avoid talking about God and look to see if any of my friends is just going through the motions. If it feels natural to tell one of them then you should be okay. 2
Orbit Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 What you'll have to put up with if you "come out" to them isn't worth it. I'm not out to my family for exactly the reasons mentioned by TF and MM. I would just turn down any invitations to church, and go through the motions if it's something you can't avoid like prayer over a meal. 1
midniterider Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Dont answer the phone. Dont return her messages. Say you got busy if you bump into her in person. 2
Sheerbliss Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I'm curious why she got in touch with you after three years. Does she have a Facebook page you can check to see if she's still active in her church? In any case, you could get together for coffee at a coffee shop. If it doesn't go well, you can bail out easily enough.
florduh Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I was honest with one person a while back and they basically cut me off and became very defensive. I guess I'm not sure I want to go through that again. Would you rather be an honest person with nothing to be ashamed of or would you rather lie to maintain false friendships with assholes?
Guest Furball Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Dont answer the phone. Dont return her messages. Say you got busy if you bump into her in person. I agree, stay away from this person. If you tell them that your no longer a believer, they are just going to give you the standard reply of satan is lying to you and trying to take your soul to hell speech. I was going to suggest you just tell this person the truth and let whatever happens happen, but i get the feeling they are just gonna try to get you to believe in jesus and all that horrible death cult doctrine again. Remember that these people are convinced that god and satan and heaven and hell are all real, so they will probably try to do everything to "save your soul" and re convert you back to their chosen faith. I hope it works out for you. -peace
AManWithOutAGod Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I have personally come out to close friends. But they aren't the religious types and I knew they would be ok with it. As for my family I wouldn't ever do it. I would be disowned and put stress on them cause I would be going to "hell"... so it would depend for me.
Moderator Margee Posted January 14, 2015 Moderator Posted January 14, 2015 So good to see my friend from the next province!!! So sorry hon that you are in this sticky situation. From my experience, I would say 2 things. It has to be your choice. 1. Put duck tape over your mouth and tell them that 'all is well' between you and god. 2. Be honest if you have a lot in common with this friend and want her in your life. If she is that important, she will accept you exactly as you are. I ask myself this question. Is it important for this person to be in my life? True friendship is genuine and will support you. Superficial friendships are just that. I personally can't be bothered with the superficial friends because it's simply none of their business what you believe. I just give all those people a nice smile and say 'hello'. Let us know how how it goes. I hope all else is well with you hon. Big hug
Leo Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Hmm, I'm of a few minds here. I have not told any Christian friends. This includes my boss who was instrumental in my reconversion in the late 90s, he hadn't known of my former fiery fundie days something I was really rather embarrassed about even after recommitting my life to faith in late 97. A spouse I think it's important to come out to, I had to eventually do this before we both got caught up in going to a church. You're in a tough position in some ways. If you used to be a leader, why not claim ministry burn-out? You think the rest of us average two-bits didn't know? You all in those situations were subject to serious overwork, burnout, physical problems, etc. Surely she knows that people who are in the situation you were in can sometimes -- no, lots of times -- be casualties. You could let her think what she wants, provided she's not the type to press you for opinions, specifics, apologetics, etc. maybe she'll just go on and on about her life with the lord, etc. You can always just ask a question here or there Not everyone will cut you off, though, not even every fundamentalist. I have a cousin who is a pretty committed one. Writes a Christian wife blog, plays and sings in church, all that. Doesn't get into gay bashing or anything like that, but a true blue one if there was one, and one I was a bit afraid of. She follows me on Twitter, and Twitter is where I post my atheist stuff. So, I had to come out to her. one would have expected a defensive reactionary response from that quarter, nothing personal, just based on the beliefs. But she was no less than very gracious about it, and to my knowledge has respected my wishes in not outing me to anyone else. Of course, our mileage with these things varies every time it's tried, but I hope you're successful and happy with the results, whatever you decide to do or not do.
Ellinas Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 My wife is aware that my views are a long way from those acceptable to the church we attend. I've said nothing to others in that church primarily to protect her position with family and old friends. If I did not have that tie, I would simply walk away. I would tell anyone who asked that I was no longer a Christian but otherwise say nothing (as I owe no-one an explanation), and I would refuse to debate this (as I have no wish to be evangelized). In your position, it comes down to whether the risk of rejection by this person is an issue for you. No advice beyond that is really possible - you have to judge the importance of the relationship to you. Coming out might actually be the test as to whether she's worth having as a friend, however.
Bhim Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Dont answer the phone. Dont return her messages. Say you got busy if you bump into her in person. Yeah, I'm personally a fan of this. Coming out entails a lot of inconvenience that one may not want to deal with, especially when you haven't seen your former Christian friend in several years and you really don't care to rekindle a friendship whose basis no longer exists. Last year I moved back to where I did my undergrad. My work is actually just a few miles from the campus where I would do Bible study, "fellowship" with other believers, and in many other ways waste time I should have been spending on homework. Somehow one person from my former church caught wind that I was back, and tried calling, emailing, Facebooking, and otherwise trying to get ahold of me. I simply ignored all of his attempts to get in touch with me. From a voicemail, I learned that he wanted money from me to support his ministry. Not a chance in hell that's happening. If one of my former friends approached me on the street I would tell them the truth. Otherwise, I'm not going to bother.
Sheerbliss Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I'm assuming the OP really does want to see this person...if not, I don't see anything wrong with not returning phone calls or emails.
Lilith666 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I'm sorry your friend whom you told was a jerk. If it's really important to you that they know (maybe if you are getting comments about Jesus/religion that you find really annoying) then consider telling them. If it doesn't matter much, don't. I don't see it as that big of a deal. People have differences. It happens. If your friends say something really Jesus-y, you could change the subject or leave, though if that happens a lot they will probably think at least that you are having some doubts, Things like that usually aren't worth getting into a debate over, though if what they say upsets you so much that you can't keep quiet, break your deconversion to them gently when you feel it is appropriate and respectfully let them know how you feel. Same thing with this friend you haven't seen in 3 years. If it's that important to you, then tell her, but maybe let her know you don't feel differently towards her because of religion (if that's true). She probably won't like it at first but if she cares about you, she won't cut you off like the last one did. We are all rooting for you here.
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