Heb1215 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I am a 25 year old suffering from depression. My life experience and the time I've spent as a Christian have taught me that there is no god, and I could write a lot about that, but I'm writing this post on a more urgent topic than matters of philosophy. I've studied theology to become a pastor for quite some time now and in the middle of it realized that reality and what the Bible says about it do not match up. Before that, I also made an unsuccessful attempt at studying that was ruined by my depression, my inability to cope with life and my ever closer connection with Christianity. As I already said, I ended up studying theology, and have thereby maneuvered myself into a dead end. Forget that I have no strength left in me to make another attempt at a degree: my parents would never let me quit my studies, though they're not Christians and don't like the fact that I'm studying theology. They are only interested in me having a paid job, whereby they can keep a clean conscience. They never loved me for who I was, only for what they wanted me to be. So in the end, I have no professional education and no perspective. I've seriously though about suicide for some time now (being a Christian intensified my previously sporadic suicidal thoughts even more). I'm just asking for advice on what to do. Without any high hopes.
Overcame Faith Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Welcome to ExC, First things first, if you are seriously thinking of suicide, call a suicide hotline right now! For your depression, do not just ignore it. You need to find a secular, not a Christian, psychiatrist, psychologist or very qualified counselor. Be open with this person and follow whatever treatment plan is recommended. As for your dead end situation with studying theology. You can find another area of study once you get your treatment for depression started and begin to get your life back to some order. Additionally, you could consider keeping your current studies, but not to become a pastor, but to become a secular Bible scholar like Bart Ehrman and many others who truly study the Bible and teach and write about their findings. As for your parents, discuss those issues with your mental health professional who can also help you sort that out. In the meantime, you are 25 years old and you must come to understand and appreciate that it is your life and not theirs to direct for you. Learn to direct your own life. I wish you all the best.
florduh Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Welcome to Ex-C. We are not doctors here. Therapy and meds - now. Keep us informed and stay safe.
Storm Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Welcome to Ex-C. We are not doctors here. Therapy and meds - now. Keep us informed and stay safe. I am a professional therapist, so I can speak to him. Just as the others have said, please get help. Suicide is not the answer. It does get better in time. I echo Overcame Faith that you should seek out a secular counselor. There are natural things you can do to help with the depression, such as exercising, getting sunlight, sometime just doing what you just don't feel like doing can help alleviate it. But I strongly recommend seeing a therapist. Sometimes its just good to get things off your chest in a safe environment. Value your life, value who you are. You are worth it. 2
florduh Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Please note: We do not dispense any medical advice on this website. We can, and often do, advise those in obvious need that they should seek professional help elsewhere. We can provide encouragement and emotional support but we cannot treat or cure any disorders.
Heb1215 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 Thank you for all your responses. First of all, I've had multiple therapies, tried various antidepressants and am currently on Prozac. Nothing helps. The meds only dull the pain and therapists are generally quacks who could not adivse a cow on where to get food. I also hate exercising and sunlight.
Heb1215 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 Thank you for all your responses. First of all, I've had multiple therapies, tried various antidepressants and am currently on Prozac. Nothing helps. The meds only dull the pain and therapists are generally quacks who could not adivse a cow on where to get food. I also hate exercising and sunlight. And talking about things never helped, either. I don't even know why I am on this forum. It's probably the last glimmer of hope I have to kill before I can find the courage to go with the inevitable.
Moderator Margee Posted February 7, 2015 Moderator Posted February 7, 2015 My dear friend, I wish you could take the knowledge that you have discovered and write it in a book. It might help you and thousands of others who feel the same way you do. My greatest wish would be that you would hang out with us for awhile and see if you can clear your head a little. Also, I agree with all the others.....a professional person to talk with, might help you with your thoughts. Hang in there. A big hug for you today.
moanareina Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Welcome here! Sorry to hear about your depression. But know, you are not alone. Depression is really a tricky thing and most here have gone through it some time in their life. I go through it on and off. I have had death wishes when I was your age...and since suicide was no option for a christian I wished to get hit by a car or fall off a cliff or whatever...by accident of course...or getting a deadly illness. Now somehow I made it through lots of difficult times with my parents, with life itself. When I was seventeen my parents talked me into learning a profession I despise. When I was done with it I promised myself to never ever work in that field again...because it was just killing me. So I started to study graphic design, the profession of my dreams. Against my parent's approval. They thought I would not be good enough for it. And turned out I wasn't able to find a job afterwards. And today I also know why. And this is my only advice I can give you. Before thinking of what to do next, continue in what you are doing if it is not really killing you. Like someone said, you can study theology without the need of becoming a pastor. And then...use all your strength and force, everything you have to get to know who you are, what you love, what your true passion is. Maybe a therapist can help you with this, maybe not...but give it a try. Because once you know that, you know the most important thing in life. And also know, you are 25. When I was 25 I thought of me being quite old (especially since where I live people enter vocational live at age 19/20 after having made an apprenticeship of three to four years and earn a full salary, move out from their parents etc)...but when you are to turn 38 like me and look back you understand how ridiculous this is...you are very young and the world is still all yours. I just finished my degree to attend university last year and I finally know what I am going to study...not yet what to do with it at the end but what my interests are. What I have found most helpful so far with depression is, to no longer fight it. To accept that there are times that I feel down. To try and understand what I actually feel and feel it fully. I know it sounds a little new agey. However I think it might be good to allow yourself to feel the way you do without condemning yourself for it. Also know, there are those thoughts of not having a future or perspective and they come from your desperation, they seem true at the moment when you feel down. But are they?
Heb1215 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 @ moanareina Wow, there is actually someone on this board that I can relate to. Your story sounds a lot like mine. Only when I read your post, it still seemed to me like you have a lot of inner strength. I don't have that. Not as long as I stay where I am, at least. You said I shouldn't give up what I'm doing unless it is absolutely killing me. Let me tell you, it is killing me. Looking at these typical Christians - the overly meek variety, the naturally confident variety, the dillusional variety, the hypocrites - is driving me crazy, especially listening to their stories about how God helped them find their car keys. Someone should film these people and sell it to MTV. They would make a fortune on reality TV. I've decided that I'm going to run away from home. It may sound childish, but it's the last thing I can do to save myself. I'm going to try my luck in a foreign country. I can always commit suicide if this Plan C doesn't work.
moanareina Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Taking a time out can be helpful. Just keep in mind that your goal should be to find out who you are and what you want. Like your interests etc. I think if you grow up with parents who try to put their wishes on you, you might never have developed your own sense of self and all. Looking back I can say when I was 25 I felt pretty lost and it was not a fun time for me. I was in graphic design school and visited my parents only on rare occasions because I did not really feel welcome there. I felt like they where not happy with me, with my choices and the one question that they asked me each time I visited and right away was, if I have found a side job. Also because I thought I had to honor my parents I felt bad for the money they gave me to study and all...not really living up to their standards. At the same time I had almost no friends partially because I was a christian and partially because I had (and still have but now I know and am working on it) issues. However, just today we talked about nightmares at work and I became aware that having nightmares actually stopped when I moved out from my parents. As a child I had horrific nightmares and very frequent. Then they became less frequent but when I had one it was no less horrific. Moving out was not the end of my problems though but sure it was the thing I had to do in order to stay sane. And it is not because my parents are evil and bad people. They just are weird and I think they where overwhelmed and had no clue how to handle my issues, not really knowing themselves and never chased for happiness themselves. I am a bit hesitant to say this but...I decided if I ever considered suicide I would first buy a ticket to a very nice place on this earth and then I would go there and if I still wanted to kill myself I have a few places in mind where it would be possible without making a big mess or so. But I had a really weird experience about two years ago. Due to a stomach problem I got some meds and they had severe side effects. They made me feel paralyzed when up and wanting to go sleep but when I lay in bed I felt like getting up and doing something. Also I felt very depressed. So I drove to a friend and it was a weird feeling to drive in this condition. And I was really afraid that I could die in an accident or so. The thought of my life to be over in an instant without having had another chance terrified me. Even though just days before I felt weary and like everything was meaningless and I wasn't sure what life was really for. This experience told me that there was something within me that wanted to live. When you say you want to go somewhere and live in another country etc. I think you too are not really up to leave this earth this soon. I think it is good to not rush into taking any decisions. But also if a decision needs to be taken to take it. You know best what is good for you. Is it the studying that is killing you or the student's and prof's behavior? I said this because I work at a very boring job and we have many frustrated people there. Some of them look for another job because they want to get away from this one, because they are weary of it. But when they go they usually go to another boring job and I am sure they will find themselves in the same situation again. Some actually came back... For me at the moment it is a good job to study because I am quite flexible and it pays well. But it bores the shit out of me. But my goal is to not look for just anything else but something I really want to do. And as long as I don't know what that is I work at this boring job and try to do the best with it. Now this is not everyone's path. Some just need to do a cut and start a new life. Moving out from your parents if you still live with them might be a good step. Just some more thoughts.
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