Confessions, Confessions...

[NoOne]

Hello everyone it's February break ❤️ I'm so happy, I've been needing this for a while. I need to work on my singing, writing, drawing, and I can go on here, which I've been meaning to do for a while. I hope I can get that blog soon, I already know what the first post will be lol!!

Alright onto this topic...I was thinking about a lot of things very few people know about me and about the "problems" more so, how to fix them, etc. And well I don't tell people a lot of things. But I figured, since you guys all have my trust and because you already know a big secret of mine (my agnostic atheism), why not reveal SOME (not all) of these problems and ideas?

 

I like lists, I hope you all figured that out by now lol

1) so I kind of have this grudge problem. I always remember the things people say or do to me, especially if they were hurtful. I'm a very sensitive person. I never really get over things, which is a sign of immaturity I've heard so that's not good. I'm the kind of person who wants an apology if you did something to me, so when I don't get it (which I usually don't) I get kind of irritated. I don't know what to do about this because I then carry around a ton of anger and despair for no logical reason.

2) so...I think I've said this before but I'll write it here again. I want to be a musician, artist, and writer. I have a lot of anxiety and cluelessness about my future, though I'm only a freshman. I don't know how I would accomplish that goal...on top of that, I just got my report card and my lowest grade was a 92 in science :/ it sounds great but it's not. I'm wondering if I should go into a more practical job because everyone thinks so. My mom and older brother are telling me to go into engineering. I hate when people tell me to go into a certain job because I really take it into consideration and then I'm conflicted. I know I want to do something I love and I want to help others in the best ways possible.

3) I also want to make sure I get my revenge on anyone who has ever put me down, thought poorly of me, or has bullied me in any way or form...through success and happiness. That's the best revenge if you ask me!!

4) I act like I know everything sometimes when I'm literally winging everything all the time. I have a lot of contradicting views on a lot things, and I can't make up my mind a lot of the time. But I hide that well I guess, because a lot people my age see me as someone who's so ahead of their time.

5) I feel like I'm a bitch because I have a lot of problems at school, home, within myself, etc., but they could be a lot worse and I know a lot of other people would give an arm and a leg to have a life like mine. But then I feel bad for minimizing what still are legitimate problems in my life.

6) for some reason, I can't stop thinking about cancer. I keep researching it, looking at different survival rates, etc. I'm worried that I'll get cancer, that's one of my biggest fears because I know I wouldn't be strong enough to beat it, but my chances of developing the most fatal kinds of cancer are unlikely to impossible. My aunt passed away from breast cancer in 2013, and we were very close. I don't know if it's a calling, that I should go into oconology or try to find the cure but I'm not sure. It's kind of weird and I'm getting worried but also very educated.

 

Okay I already told you too much. I just go on and on sometimes, I also need to learn how to shut up. I guess I need some advice or opinions if that's okay...? It's okay if you don't want to, that's fine too I hope you're all having a fabulous Friday and I'll see you all later ❤️❤️❤️

[Wertbag]

1- this is quite hard, it's personal to how you react to the world. Some people can just think through a situation, "does it matter?", "will my reaction change anything?", "will anything I do change their mind?". Some people find writing helps either in a journal, blog or just unsent letters. Just some way to get the thoughts bouncing round your head out. Really depends what you find works for you.

2- The problem with wanting a career in the arts is that there is no hiring industry for a lot of it. It is all down to what an individual can make of it and there are massive amounts of competition. Usually the arts are hobbies and if you are lucky you can grow them. Many writers write for magazines, free short stories and enter competitions trying to make a name for themselves, but they have a standard job to pay the bills. There are art based careers such as 3d graphics, architecture, website design and photography, it depends where your skillset lays.

5- Never feel bad for putting yourself first, you are perfectly entitled to care about your life more than others. You can be sure they are putting themselves ahead of you too. Being generous is fine but over generous can be at your own detriment.

6- If you want to get into a medical field that is great as long as it is for the right reasons. The path will be your life with decades of study required so don't do it half ass. Thinking of cancer when you have had loved ones with it is normal but whether you obsess about it, whether you are paranoid about it or whether it lights a fire making you want to help others are all possible.

[NoOne]

Wertbag, hey thanks for answering. I like your answer to #5, that meant a lot. I've been thinking about that a lot today...

 

Happy Valentine's Day~~

[Blood]

Well, I know someone who was really good at Latin, but her parents told her she could never have that as a career, she must find a more "practical" job. She's been stuck in dead-end, life-destroying jobs for 25 years now. 

 

Of course, engineering is one of the most "practical" career paths you can pursue. Your chances of having a well-paying job and career are about a thousand times better than anything in the arts. But you will be surrounded with empty and boring people who will suck out your will to live like vampires the longer you are around them. Whereas in the arts you will find much higher quality human beings: compassionate, sincere, eccentric, passionate. 

 

It's an old dilemma: "straight" job for financial security vs. the not-so-straight job (or not even a regular job) with probable poverty, but emotional fulfillment. 

 

You can do both, or try to. But I think you'll find that a fulltime engineering job would be so exhausting mentally that you wouldn't have the energy or interest to do the music when you got home at night. 

[Ellinas]

So many questions.  So few answers.  I have no great insight, but for what it is worth:

 

1 & 3 strike me as basically the same issue.  To my mind, life is too short to bear any number of grudges.  So, the person I've just spoken to thinks I'm an idiot.  Maybe he's right; maybe he's the idiot.  Really, I couldn't care less.  And that, perhaps, is where we differ.  Perhaps you care about the views of others, hence they can hurt you.  I cannot comment as to whether that is a good thing or not - but certainly the baggage of grudges is not so good if it;s starting to eat at you.  Best to separate the slights into 2 categories, maybe.  Those that don't matter, forget.  Those that point to a reason to distrust in the future, remember but keep to the back of the mind.  And, if in that future the opportunity presents itself - well, there is no time limit on revenge, so why worry about it now?

 

2 is a difficult one.  Speaking as someone who is in the wrong job with no realistic means of escape, I would simply say from experience that, whilst your chances of making a good living in the arts is limited, if you go a route that does not appeal to you the result will be that you will be enslaved by the economic demands of your lifestyle.  It will be harder to start again in 15 years time when you have financial and family commitments than it is to go the way you desire now.

 

4 - I suspect many of us are less certain than we like to appear.

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5 - The problems of others are not your concern.  Your problems are.  The attitude you describe seems to me to be based in Christian style moralizing rather than in reality (and that is not meant unkindly - it's an observation again that is applicable to many).

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6 - If it worries you then you must either control/forget the worry or confront it.  The latter may lead you into a field of medical science - just be sure that is really what you want.  Cancer worries a lot of people, of course.  You are not unique in this.

[NoOne]

5 - The problems of others are not your concern.  Your problems are.  The attitude you describe seems to me to be based in Christian style moralizing rather than in reality (and that is not meant unkindly - it's an observation again that is applicable to many).

Wow...that actually makes a lot of sense now that you've pointed it out. I guess I still a lot of leftover Christianity to recover from :/