AlmostFree Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Hey guys. I’ve been reading testimonies and articles on here since I deconverted almost a year ago, but I thought I’d finally post about something that’s been on my mind for a while. I’ve really struggled with my deconversion, since my entire life and hope were built on my ‘relationship’ with God. What’s made it even harder is the fact that most of my family are devout Christians. Obviously at this point, my parents know that I don’t feel the same about God as I used to (although they’re still not totally convinced of the extent of my disbelief). They’ve been trying to get me to go to a church nearby to meet other ‘likeminded’ young people (I guess they’re hoping that by going to a new church I’ll suddenly ‘see the light’ again). Even though I’ve intellectually acknowledged the idiocy of God/the bible/religion, I’m worried that because I’ve been so conditioned to believe that I can’t be fulfilled or happy without believing in God, I’ll always feel like something’s ‘missing’ by default. I don’t want to feel as if there’s supposed to be something ‘otherworldly’ in my life. I really resent that this belief has been hammered into my head so much. I automatically feel underwhelmed with the nature of life now, like nothing will ever measure up to how I felt when I believed in God and thought there was an amazing, blissful afterlife awaiting us (well, like 10% of us). I’m just wondering if anyone has some nuggets of wisdom or advice they can share? And how do you guys deal with relatives or friends who try to make you feel as if you’ll never be fulfilled unless you have God in your life? My dad keeps saying things like, “No matter what you do, you’ll never escape God’s call in your life. It’ll always be there in the back of your mind. You’ll never be totally at peace without him.” I’m so sick of it. I can’t bring myself to believe in the twisted God of the bible, but it makes me feel suffocated and helpless when he says things like that. I just want to learn to be content with the life I make for myself without the need for God, and to appreciate life as it is more, but I’m not sure how to teach myself to do that. 6
Ravenstar Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Get involved in things that you do believe in. Meet new people, make new friends… follow your dreams. Spend time in nature, create something. After a while the opinions of your parents and others will cease to have much hold on you. 4
mymistake Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Welcome to ex-C! Nice to have you. The best revenge you can have is to be fulfilled without God. I'm happier than I have ever been in my life. So far only my parents, wife and kids know. My strategy is to talk about religion as little as possible. I just tell them "let's not talk about it". In my opinion life takes on so much more meaning without God because we have to make the most of our time here - that is all we have got and this really matters. The life we have now isn't some kind of test or learning experience. Enjoy what you have. 2
♦ Fuego ♦ Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Basically they are using an old technique called "propaganda", and it does work to demoralize an enemy, which is what it is doing to you. You may need to distance yourself from those who are toxic. They mean well, but they are programmed to think a particular way and will only ever give you crap about being different. Feel free to give actual information about Christianity back to them, because all believers have doubts and questions. They just box those up and stick them in the cellar when they are trying to witness, because they have to present a perfect view of their faith even though it is disingenuous. As Ravenstar said, find the things in life that excite you and make you blossom. Along with that you will find other people that have the same outlook and direction. It took me a handful of years to get a new direction started. I took some classes doing something new and interesting (singing jazz standards) and found a bunch of people locally that have a grand time singing with each other. Dancing is another fun way to meet people, but also try and find out what really makes you tick as a human. At this point, you simply aren't used to thinking about life this way. You've always had pat-answers handed to you. Now you get to forge your own way and find out who you are and what you are about. 2
StJeffTheIncomprehensible Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Even though I’ve intellectually acknowledged the idiocy of God/the bible/religion, I’m worried that because I’ve been so conditioned to believe that I can’t be fulfilled or happy without believing in God, I’ll always feel like something’s ‘missing’ by default. I don’t want to feel as if there’s supposed to be something ‘otherworldly’ in my life. I really resent that this belief has been hammered into my head so much. I automatically feel underwhelmed with the nature of life now, like nothing will ever measure up to how I felt when I believed in God and thought there was an amazing, blissful afterlife awaiting us (well, like 10% of us). I’m just wondering if anyone has some nuggets of wisdom or advice they can share? And how do you guys deal with relatives or friends who try to make you feel as if you’ll never be fulfilled unless you have God in your life? My dad keeps saying things like, “No matter what you do, you’ll never escape God’s call in your life. It’ll always be there in the back of your mind. You’ll never be totally at peace without him.” I’m so sick of it. I can’t I just want to learn to be content with the life I make for myself without the need for God, and to appreciate life as it is more, but I’m not sure how to teach myself to do that. Hi AlmostFree, Here's one way to cope with these feelings--just try to remember back when you were a pious Christian and think of exactly how god fulfilled you. Think hard about it. Make a list of all the times you know, for certain, that god was moving in your life to fulfill you and shower you with heavenly blessings. No cheating by writing down events that have a probable non-supernatural explanation, such as your own goodness, intelligence, hard work, love of life, the companionship and help of other humans (or even non-humans). I'm confident you'll find god has played a much smaller role in your life than you imagined. As far as the after-life thing goes, I find it's actually an advantage to a fulfilling life not to believe in a hereafter. I mean, this is it--live it up! Make the most of it! And if the feeling of wanting to be with god for eternity in heaven gets to be too much, just read some of the bible at how god is reported to have acted. Let's say, just for fun, he really does exist. He's a murderous, insanely jealous, arrogant, cruel, nit-picking, hot-headed ass who can't seem to figure out how to control his own creation. Um . . . maybe he's not the best choice for an eternal companion? Good luck, and I hope you find your place in life without too much heartache. 1
Justin Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Prove them wrong by living your life to the fullest. Have them look at you and wonder if maybe their belief in happiness only coming from god is a bit crazy. I know everyone is different but that so called God shaped hole in my life is easily filled, with truth, knowledge, happiness and love... Things that are real. Things I never had as a Christian. 1
♦ ficino ♦ Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Hello AlmostFree, and welcome. I second what everyone has said already. I think the "meaning of life" thing is a con. As to meaning in life - that's lying open to you to create. Your contributions to people's lives, your willingness to receive theirs into yours, your appreciation of our world... it's all there for you! I don't think you have to come out to your family until you're ready. I'm not sure what your living situation or finances are like. When you are on your own financially will be an easier position. Meeting new people, doing new things... Can you get away with "Sure, dad, later, gotta go" responses? 1
★ Citsonga ★ Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Welcome, AlmostFree! I’ve really struggled with my deconversion, since my entire life and hope were built on my ‘relationship’ with God. I definitely identify with that. I also built my entire life around Christianity, not realizing how much harm I was causing for my life until after I realized that Christianity is just a myth. I'm worried that because I’ve been so conditioned to believe that I can’t be fulfilled or happy without believing in God, I’ll always feel like something’s ‘missing’ by default. That's a common fear. Uncertainty about one's life in the early phases of deconversion is quite common. Many of us have been in the same place, but we've come through and no longer feel as though there's a void. I think it's a safe bet that you'll eventually be able to move past it as well. I know it can be difficult in the meantime, but it does get better. And how do you guys deal with relatives or friends who try to make you feel as if you’ll never be fulfilled unless you have God in your life? Fortunately, I haven't had too much of that to deal with. My suggestion would be to continue learning what you can and also pursue things that are of interest to you. Just live your life the best you can. Once you've reached the point where you're no longer hampered with the baggage that religion strapped onto you, it will likely be easier to ignore such empty claims. Anyway, good luck in your future endeavors. Enjoy the journey ahead of you.... 1
★ Citsonga ★ Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 all believers have doubts and questions. I've seen this claim multiple times on this board, but it is absolutely false. There are Christians who do not doubt the truthfulness of Christianity, and I know this to be a fact because I was one of them for many years. I'm not proud of having been so indoctrinated, and my life could be so much better now if I hadn't been so convinced, but I had zero doubts about Christianity being true until I was 29. Many ex-christians talk about having always had doubts, and that's not surprising since those who have long had doubts are obviously more likely to leave the faith than those who don't doubt. However, extrapolating such doubts out to all believers is quite flawed. Though I can't know the exact percentage of "true believers," they absolutely do exist. Whenever Christians who don't doubt see some of us falsely accusing them of having doubts, all that does in their minds is confirm that we don't know what we're talking about. As such, I think it would do us all a lot of good to recognize that not all Christians are the same and to refrain from such broadbrushing. 2
yunea Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I'll +1 Citsonga's post above when I'm at my computer again. I did have occasional little doubts as a newly converted Pentecostal, but after that, I only doubted my own understanding - it was exactly like knowing, really knowing God existed. I did have a Jesus shaped hole in my heart after deconverting. It was like losing a friend I trusted so much. I'm however discovering that the world is much more beautiful when you go out and meet it as it is, without looking for hidden messages and double meanings and people who needed salvation. Weird how that works. It's still new to me but I slowly feel the hole going away, baggage being lifted. I'm yet to deal much with people who think I'd be better off as a believer, so I don't have advice for that situation. 2
florduh Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I agree with others. As Fuego said: Basically they are using an old technique called "propaganda", and it does work to demoralize an enemy, which is what it is doing to you. You may need to distance yourself from those who are toxic. You must create boundaries for others, and if that doesn't work you'll need distance. Even well meaning but deluded people can be toxic and their negative influence must be avoided, especially if you've only recently escaped the cult. We've all had to deal with this, so you'll make it too.
Recommended Posts