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Fundy Families Can't Stand Us Finding Love And Happiness After Leaving Xianity


ilovemybrain
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Nice to see you again.  Sorry to hear about your parents, the in-laws and meeting the parents.  What a mess, what cha gonna do?  Congrats on taking charge of life and being successful.

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Thanks :) They're not actually in-laws since we don't plan to officially legally marry, and I haven't met them yet, but it is bound to happen sometime. So much fun to look forward to. <sigh>

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Good luck with your future plans. I'm sure all the family will love that you guys don't plan to get married (sarcasm :P). I don't really want to marry either. I'd rather just live with my SO. 

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Yeah, our thinking about marriage is this: we are all for a deep, serious commitment and that is what we have, but in our marriages, our spouses felt that commitment meant just 'not divorcing.' They felt we were stuck with them, so they didn't have to do anything to make the marriage work. We both want to know each other is there because they want to be, not because they have to be. And we don't want to be each other's legal "possession" either. I realize others feel differently about marriage and there are some good reasons to consider it, but that's how we see it. 

 

And thanks again for the well-wishes. It is so nice when fellow ex-c's, and our friends who know us, are truly glad to see us happy. 10.gif

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Well, I don't know you, and I'm happy for you.

Thank you :-) No, that was my point - although I didn't word it very well. Even ex-C's here who don't even know us but have been through similar experiences, as well as our personal friends who do know us, all seem to see us more clearly than our own parents do, who should know us but don't bother to look past their own preconceived ideas about apostates or ask us how WE feel about anything.

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I'm so happy for you guys!  I think your idea of a commitment is right on target and so much more positive than simply not divorcing.  Best wishes to you both!

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Good luck, brain! It's awesome that you have someone in your life.

 

As for Christians being upset about us Ex-Cs being happy outside the Church... I think they're angry because we're circumventing their world view. We're supposed to be miserable, without love or any guidance or anything good at all because God isn't in our lives. When we make the most of it, and live good lives and fall in love, we tear down their preconceptions, and they just can't have that. So, they get mad.

 

Honestly, take it as a badge of honor; you're proving them wrong.

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Yeah, our thinking about marriage is this: we are all for a deep, serious commitment and that is what we have, but in our marriages, our spouses felt that commitment meant just 'not divorcing.' They felt we were stuck with them, so they didn't have to do anything to make the marriage work. We both want to know each other is there because they want to be, not because they have to be. And we don't want to be each other's legal "possession" either. I realize others feel differently about marriage and there are some good reasons to consider it, but that's how we see it. 

 

And thanks again for the well-wishes. It is so nice when fellow ex-c's, and our friends who know us, are truly glad to see us happy. 10.gif

 

 

This is exactly how I feel about it. Good for you guys finding a way that works for you. I saw my parents marriage do the same thing, where they were legally tied to each other and were miserable. They stayed together for such a long time because of xtianity. I don't like the thought of people becoming complacent with each other after they marry, and thinking they don't need to do anything else for their partners. I probably have a cynical outlook towards marriage, but I feel like it can set your relationship up to fail based on the myths that everything is wonderful when you're married. I don't think I need a piece of paper to prove I love someone.  Nice to find someone with a similar opinion! I've felt kind of alone on that. (Not meaning to diss marriage, just think it may not be for me)

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So happy for you! Though sad about your families' reactions.

 

Just one thought: as you get older, you may see some financial and legal advantages in marriage. That is, if non-religious people are allowed to marry by then.

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Yay!  You two are so cute together!

 

Sorry about the family issues.  I'm still a huge disappointment for my family as well.  I feel ya.

 

*hugs* ((luvbrainz))

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So happy for you! Though sad about your families' reactions.

 

Just one thought: as you get older, you may see some financial and legal advantages in marriage. That is, if non-religious people are allowed to marry by then.

Actually, that is part of our thoughts, too. We are open to that possibility as we get older, if it seems advantageous and pretty clear to us that the relationship will last til the end.

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Yay!  You two are so cute together!

 

Sorry about the family issues.  I'm still a huge disappointment for my family as well.  I feel ya.

 

*hugs* ((luvbrainz))

*hugs back* - yeah it's hard to be around people who misunderstand us and see us as a disappointment, so the best answer right now is distance. Sorry you have to deal with that too.

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Congrats. Isn't "true" happiness so much better than the "fake" happiness that all religious folks have to pretend they have while doing so many things they'd rather not?! :D

 

My wife and I were lucky and we deconverted together a couple years ago. We always say that we would have divorced if that didn't happen. Our fundy families don't understand our happiness AT ALL - but they seem to think it means we're just taking a break from God, rather than disowning the idea altogether. They think it's not possible to be truly happy without God, so our contentment really puzzles them.

 

We are in a holding pattern while they figure out that we aren't EVER going back to religion. I'm sure the fundy battle will start again once that is the case. But we're happier than we ever thought we could be - even as Christians. Relationships are much easier when there's no bullshit getting in the way.

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Good luck, brain! It's awesome that you have someone in your life.

 

As for Christians being upset about us Ex-Cs being happy outside the Church... I think they're angry because we're circumventing their world view. We're supposed to be miserable, without love or any guidance or anything good at all because God isn't in our lives. When we make the most of it, and live good lives and fall in love, we tear down their preconceptions, and they just can't have that. So, they get mad.

 

Honestly, take it as a badge of honor; you're proving them wrong.

And I think some of them get angry/jealous because they've been in an unhappy marriage for decades, so how dare you go and divorce an inappropriate spouse and go on and find happiness with someone else???!!!???  How dare you get out there and meet someone new and exciting and enjoy sex again, when they gave up sex years ago???!!!???  I think some people think that if THEY are miserable, YOU should be miserable, too.  But it's not your job to deny your own happiness to help somebody else feel better in their miserableness.

 

Staying in a miserable marriage isn't proving anything to anybody.  It's just a waste of your life.

 

Staying in a religion you no longer believe in isn't proving anything to anybody.  It's just a waste of your time.

 

The thought of still being the exact same person I was when I married my first husband when I was 24 is horrifying.  It was nice being that 24-year-old.  But 26 years later, many experiences later, raising children, going through different jobs, going back to school, failing at some things and succeeding at others, moving, and growing, and learning -- I would be very depressed if I were still that same person I was at 24 and none of those experiences had made an impact on me.

 

But congrats to you and your wonderful man!   Remember that "Living well is the best revenge," so when your families are being hateful to you, you're being loving and happy with each other and not wasting your lives at all!!!!!

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I'm not sure if what you are hoping for is a pipe dream rather than reality.

 

I also fornicated with my girlfriend for 4 years before marrying her.  Of course, I didn't tell my fundie mom, until a few days before my wedding.  Yes she was super hurt that she knew nothing of my relationship, but why stir up a hornets nest of sick Christian morality? 

 

Anyway she wanted to get involved in the wedding / reception procedures, which I allowed, and frankly it was horrible spending time with her.

 

Family or not, its not pleasant to spend time with people you disagree with on a fundamental level.  I think for her also, it was a special sort of torture, not to be able to speak up or interject what she truly felt / thought in order not to spoil my special day.

 

Distance is good.

 

 

 

 

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