My "testimony" Part 1 Of ?

[zandurian]

This is the part of your testimony which spoke to me the most:

 

I fully believe you experienced that. I've experienced something very similar. A point in my life of great crisis; an event that took me to the edge of death; a cry of desperation for help out into the utter darkness; white light suddenly appearing everywhere, in an instant driving everything else out that tormented me; a complete cessation of time; infinite peace, infinite love, infinite knowledge, infinite awareness, infinite power, infinite grace and compassion, all in only a sliver of an inconceivable infinity that lay beyond that; and then a gentle voice of infinite compassion and awareness speaking only my name, conveying my life's story before my eyes in an instant of utter timelessness with the knowledge spoken without words to my mind that I was never alone, that was loved beyond all knowledge. Shall I continue?

 

Rising from this vision I felt all the pain of my heart come gushing out of the deepest part of my soul in a torrent of tears, being both afraid and amazed at what had just happened. Two days later, I began what began my lifelong search for understanding of this. Being raised in a Christian culture, seeking out a minister seemed the most appropriate beginning. I openly shared my experience with wonder and puzzlement in my voice, to the stolid looks of the minister who gave little response. The following day I spoke to another, this time a Catholic priest, who likewise sat with a blank stare and his offering what I learned later to be the typical Catholic response of asking if I had anything to confess.

 

I left feeling discouraged, lost, and confused, yet with this knowledge in my heart. Suddenly, without any warning or indication, the entire Universe opened to me before my eyes, as if a great curtain opened in an instant. I suddenly saw for the first time in my life - color. The world was full of color, with vibrant greens and blues everywhere! The World was full of light and love and color, and permeated everything as a sort of living joy that surrounded me, moved through me, and began flowing out of the most unimaginably deepest part of my being out into the world in a sort of song, as can only be described as utter, living love.

 

I saw people walking by me, and rather than feeling darkness and shame in my heart and averting my eyes away as in my past, instead I felt pure love and joy. No thoughts of darkness were in me anywhere at that moment, and I felt truly alive for the first time in my life.

 

From this point began the life-long quest of mine that I stumbled about to build upon, again making the mistake of looking for answers from ministers. Two years later, and no further towards finding answers I happened upon a very charismatic Biblical literalist whose convictions of truth inspired me. I was caught into the snare, and found myself convinced somehow that all this was somehow God calling me to serve him in the ministry. I enrolled in Bible College and graduated top of my class with a degree in theology, all the while being ripped apart inside by the conflict of what was in my heart, and what was being portrayed about God.

 

You can read the rest of my story I posted here two years ago if you are interested: http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?showtopic=6730&hl=

 

The point is, to this day I still embrace what I experienced. I still accept it as real. I however do not believe it says anything about a particular theology about a particular God from a particular religion. I'm planning to share my thoughts on what this means to me in another thread I'm having with Ruby in the Arena forum here called, "Evidence of the Heart". So I'll save my thoughts for there, as they are going to get long - very long. (be patient as my time is limited these days for awhile)

 

P.S. In my testimony link I included above, I skipped over the first part of what I mentioned here. I didn't feel comfortable at that time to mention it.

 

Someday (when you get time) I'd like to compare notes on your above description of your experience.

[Antlerman]

Part 4

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I had an experience similar to your initial experience and I'm curious to hear more info on how you felt about it then and how you feel about it now (I did read that you still believe it was 'real' but now seem to have a sort of pantheistic approach to what happened, correct?)

 

When I saw this site I remembered that my friend "Kratos" (AKA Jonathan McManus) mentioned that he posted here. John died rather suddenly (cancer) last year on August 21st. I joined - searched for his posts, saw his story and your response which led me here.

It is truly fascinating to re-read this thread again from the beginning now at this point for me, nearly 4 years and 5000 posts later! It's been a long road, and this site has been a great sifting box to find the gems within myself and other minds and experiences. It is a place where I have had a beautiful freedom to explore ideas, share thoughts, and participate in what I feel to be a vital time of transition for all us as individuals within our greater sphere of social, and spiritual, evolution.

 

I look back at my expressions in the first posts of this thread and see a straight line of a steady pull in myself up from those early days of having laid it all out on the table, and working through the hard questions of life beyond Christianity for me. It is in fact something that pulled me through Christianity to a place of Freedom to find myself. I have always contended that if there is truth in the spiritual, it can in no way conflict with reason. For me, the Christian system created conflict with that reason.

 

I recently started a thread which I consider one of my milestone threads for me here: http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?/topic/34759-the-love-of-jesus/ In that thread this view by a participant was expressed:

 

Then, when presented with the harder things of Christianity, instead of your faith moving you

through

in faith, your previous encounter with the nutballs drove you more in the direction

away

than towards.

 

The whole thing reads as a disception....

 

I figured this tied into what I wanted to say in here about this history of mine. What I have come to see through all this effort and work of moving me through the hard questions of everything, religion and otherwise, is that it is not a case of moving away from anything, but through it to something new that doesn't destroy the old, but rather evolves it. In a sense it is negated, but not destroyed. It rather undergoes a transformation into some new stage of growth. It is necessary as part of that process to tear down those idols, to deconstruct them, to relieve them of their position of power, for the sake to allow necessary growth into the new to occur. But in none of that, do we turn away from that spirit inside us that pulls us to that growth.

 

For some, those systems of understanding the world offer what meets the need of that in them at that place and time and understanding. To tear down those idols for them would leave them at a place with no structure to replace, and would in fact distress what is in them, spiritually. But for others, me in particular in this example, there comes a place and time it becomes necessary to shed off that way of framing an understanding to allow for a new level, a new height, a new perch to gain a renewed understanding. And in it all, is that spirit within that pulls us to that. It is that urge, to live. That urge to thrive. So in reality, it is not just breaking down idols that served us, it is transforming them into a new system that builds on our past.

 

For me, it has been my strong belief that for my humanity, what was there in my pursuit of the spiritual in Christianity, is in fact a vital part of my being. But it was necessary to break down those idols, to deconstruct them, to understand how symbols work, language works, evolution works, in an objective embrace of reality with the mind, in order to allow that within me to be True with Reason. To embrace the spiritual in a conscious violation of mind and reason is to deny both. It is about living sincerely with where we are at.

 

That system worked for me, where I was at. But where I was at, naturally, as part of both our personal and group evolution, needed to grow. It has never been about walking away from something in a step sideways for me. It's been a step up, and will continue to be for as long as Life lives within me.