Damaged, Heart-broken

[Guest mj's damaged]

Where to begin...I'll start with what the word "Christian" meant to me

"Christ-like". I'd like to say that I was trying my hardest to be

Christ-like everyday since I was 8. I wanted to grow up and be in the

ministry. When I was 15 er so my church's pastor had an affair. I was a

little angry by the hypocrisy, but I knew that all 'sin' and who was I to

judge anyway. I watched that church split in half. Then a year later it

split again. Well shortly after that I found a different church in

Urbana to go to. I hoped that I would never experience that type of pain

again. After all, who was I to put a human on a pedestal?

 

I began to love that new church. After graduating from high-school

and when I was going to college I became a leader at that church's youth

group. I was the leader of the drama team there. It was then I started to

see the politics involved behind the scenes. I was a strong believer

that church was a place that people could come to fellowship together and

support each other. After a while, I knew that in order for me to reach

my "calling" I needed to go away to a school in Ohio. The plans were

that after I completed my schooling I was to come back a start a

discipleship training program at my home church.

 

So, off I went to Ohio. I went to a discipleship training school. To

those who don't know, it's schooling that is supposed to help you get

closer to God and get you prepared to be in the ministry (youth pastor,

children's pastor, pastor, women's pastor, music pastor, i.e.). I loved

it. Then, the person that I looked up to the most, the director of the

school's wife had an affair w/ a 16 year-old boy (he was the worship

leader of the youth group). She was pregnant. The boy was the father. Over

the summer, between school year's I got a call from the church's pastor

saying that the director and his wife were not going to be back for my

2nd year. They said he was going to be a senior pastor elsewhere. I

went back the second year only to find out half-way through the school

year, after we couldn't get a refund or even transfer, what happened the

first year I was there. The only reason that the church told us was

because the 16 year-old got full custody of the new baby and was bringing

it to church w/ him. The church rejects people who sin but yet if

someone of significance of the church gets caught up in it, then the church

tries to cover it up.

 

You would think that after my 2nd big disappointment that I would run

far, far, far away. I didn't. I don't like to quit. That's not in my

nature. Well I came back to the church in Urbana. Remember I left for

Ohio, so I could come back and start a new ministry at that church. That

didn't happen. The church in Urbana decided to overlook me, a girl, and

give it to a guy. He wasn't qualified and had no idea what this ministry

was about. I just kept my mouth shut but inside I was livid. I thought

how could this guy who's only form of exercise is running over people

on a daily basis get this job. Oh, maybe cause there was a glass

ceiling. The closest that a woman could get to being a leader of a ministry is

if they are the pastor's wife!

 

I still stayed loyal. I went back to being a youth leader at Urbana's

youth group. I felt like I was making a difference. All of a sudden, a

bunch of teens who were gay and lesbian and bisexual started coming to

the youth group. Not very many of the youth leader's were understanding

and loving. I was the only one being Christ-like. I loved those teens.

I was the only one there that understood that no matter what your

sexual orientation, what you looked like, how much money you had, how

popular at school you were, how talented you were it didn't matter. Everyone

there had the right to be there and to be treated the same. (perfect

world). I was was in charge of the drama team again. In my final year, it

included but was not limited to a lesbian, a girl that was having sex

w/ her boyfriend, a guy that did drugs, i.e. I included them. I loved

those guys. I didn't care that they weren't perfect. I didn't care that

they were involved in 'sin'. They were teens that just needed someone to

look up to. They needed a place to belong. The youth pastor found out

about the type of people that were involved in the drama team. He knew

their names, but now he knew of their 'sin'. He called me into his

office and told me that since the teens involved in the drama team were

sinners, that there was something wrong with me. He said that my fruit was

bad, and since the fruit was bad I was bad. He kicked me off of the

leadership team. My crime, letting teens who weren't perfect in the eyes

of the church be involved in something that made them happy. I was so

hurt. I thought that I was being Christ-like. Hell, I was being a

role-model. I accepted everyone no matter who they were and what they did.

 

Well, that was the straw that broke the camels back. I stopped going to

church. I know that church is not my salvation. It never was and never

will be. That's what Jesus was for. I didn't stop loving God at that

point. I stopped going to church. When I stopped going, that's when the

majority of my friends stopped hanging out w/ me. They assumed I wasn't

'saved' anymore. I lost hope. They stopped believing in me, I stopped

believing. When I started 'sinning' they started judging me. I refuse to

believe that the follower's of Jesus-Christ will ever prove to me that

there is something out there that is loving, just, merciful, etc. If

the Christ followers aren't loving, merciful, etc. why would their God

be? If I were trying to follow a god, I would try to portray the

character and nature of that god. Not do the exact opposite. I believe that the

Christian God can't exist if His people can't even get Him right.

[pandora]

Welcome, mj... I hope you find that venting and ranting on this board is therapeutic!

 

Unfortunately, I don't think all that happened to you is all that unusual for many in certain denominations. Hypocrisy is everywhere, but on one thing, the Christians are right... it shouldn't be our sole reason for leaving the faith.

 

Stay a while and hopefully you will learn some more reasons why Christianity doesn't make sense.

 

I am glad you made it out alive and that you no longer have to have your heart broken by those you trust anymore.

[Guest mj's damaged]

thanks, pandora.

 

I had to get that out there. That all happened in may of 2004. I was hurt and angry with God then. I have been enlightened. We all know the deconversion, the deprogramming has been hard. i think writing that was my first step to recovery. I didn't stop believing in god then, but it was my stepping stone. thankfully, my eyes have opened.

[Entgegen]

Wow, that's rough. Unfortunately for many people, things like that aren't an uncommon occurance when involved in Christianity. I know what you mean about writing everything out being a good first step...it really solidifies what's going on inside your head. Welcome, and I hope you stay a while, as the company you will find here is infinitely better than what you left behind.

[Eponymic]

thanks, pandora.

 

I had to get that out there. That all happened in may of 2004. I was hurt and angry with God then. I have been enlightened. We all know the deconversion, the deprogramming has been hard. i think writing that was my first step to recovery. I didn't stop believing in god then, but it was my stepping stone. thankfully, my eyes have opened.

 

Quite the year there.

 

It's funny how frame of mind can misconstrue things. You said you're not a quitter. Well, leaving the church isn't a matter of quitting in my frame of reference. It's a matter of properly evolving & gaining knowledge that is kept from many of us. So kudos for seeing the real light.

 

May your journey of knowledge & spiritual progress be much smoother & kinder from here on out.

[godlessgrrl]

Welcome to the forum.

 

It always pains me to see that kind of blatant elitism going on in churches. It's hurtful and drives people away. But y'know, I don't think churches that are like that really care about anything except making sure the Right People™ are in the club.

 

Good on you for seeing through the bullshit. Bad on them for heaping out bullshit in the first place.

[Guest mj's damaged]

Welcome to the forum.

 

It always pains me to see that kind of blatant elitism going on in churches. It's hurtful and drives people away. But y'know, I don't think churches that are like that really care about anything except making sure the Right People are in the club.

 

Good on you for seeing through the bullshit. Bad on them for heaping out bullshit in the first place.

 

thanks. yeah I just wish many more could see thru the b/s.

[SkepticOfBible]

Hey I have seen your testimony before. have you posted it on exchristian.net?

[charley]

Mj, I read your entries and feel a clear anger on your behalf, that you are a valuable person who makes honest and heartfelt efforts, who was shortchanged by people not in your class. It is really stunning to an outsider like myself to hear of all of these judgements on anothers sin made within a church, while the teachings universally state that everyone sins and god is the only judge.

 

Let me be as blunt and crude as the treatment you have recieved by your church, to thusly accurately embody the emotional tone of the situation they have put you in :

 

These fucking assholes aren't worth a second of your time. Lick your wounds, get away, and stay away. Make new friends and a new life. Only do and be what makes sense and be glad that out of what initially feels like a loss of everything meaningful that you have retained the clarity to know when you ar those you deal with are being honest. Don't have faith in anything but your desire to have a happy life, and get to work and get on with it away from these fear-ridden clowns that have been wasting your time.

[Guest Maggie]

Hi MJ,

 

You really had a rough time at your church. I admire your courage in standing up for yourself and not allowing them to continue to use you. You showed a far more Christ-like attitude than any one of those supposed Christians. These next months may continue to be difficult but you are strong and gaining in wisdom every day. You already have a beautiful spirit and your willingness to love others without judgement is a gift not many have. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

[Lycorth]

Indeed - ironic, isn't it, that so often it's non-xians who act more "christ-like" than actual Xians? It's as if many Xians spend their energy on going to church and hanging on every jot and tittle found in the Babble rather than just doing actual good deeds. True, most churches place emphasis on good deeds as being logically evident of faith in Jesus, but in the end there's something about a religion that places sooo much emphasis on faith over works that just makes arrogant assholes out of so many of its adherents.

[spamandham]

We all know the deconversion, the deprogramming has been hard. i think writing that was my first step to recovery. I didn't stop believing in god then, but it was my stepping stone. thankfully, my eyes have opened.

 

You're right that writing your deconversion story is therapy. Dave, in his infinite wisdom, realized that and sent his only beggoten son Bruce... oh wait, wrong story.

 

Glad to see you here!