First Post Here - It Hurts Being Told 'you Never Really Believed Anyway'

[Wittyusername]

I have still not yet written a full 'testimony' here. Partly due to having to thumb type on a phone but partly because a part of me does not want to believe this is happening. It is like I have woken up from the Matrix, but rather than taking a pill, my eyes hove opened slowly over years .

 

I just wanted to share the hurt of being told that my Pastor said of me 'well she must not have believed anyway. She should be one of the most grateful as God forgave her for having a baby when not married'.

 

How dare they dismiss the fact I have wasted my life on believing this sh*t and say I never believed?

 

I'm 35 now and every decision of my conscious life up till about seven months also was based on what the bible says I should do or think - generally to my detriment . Even the unrealistic expectations of celibacy let me to be in a situation whew if I were not Christian I would have planned for contraception. To go on the pill or take condoms would have been 'to plan to sin' .

 

My deconversion came through many things and ironically partly due to my desire to live more zealously . The more I tried to apply that stuff in my life the more clear that it was contradictory nonsense.

 

I feel so alone. I am for the first time ever alone.

[yunea]

Welcome to the forum.

 

It seems that many people here share the experience that trying to be a really good Christian, including knowing the Bible better, leads to deconversion.

 

Again, you're warmly welcome here, I hope you'll stay and find this forum helpful. I'm typing this on my phone myself so this is a short comment, sorry about that, but here, have a little virtual *hug*.

[Moxie]

HI Wittyusername and welcome!

 

I have also ironically come out of Christianity because of my zeal to live more like Christ. I hope you find the support you seek here.

 

[Wittyusername]

Thank you Yunea.

[Wittyusername]

And JoJo.

[Overcame Faith]

Welcome to ExC, wittyusername.

 

I can relate to every word you typed and every emotion you feel right now. I so clearly remember coming to my senses after a long inner struggle and finally accepting that which I didn't want to accept as the truth - that Christianity was a false religion. It was also important for me that those I was close to at least acknowledge that I was truly a Christian. I knew with every fiber of my being screaming out in the emotional pain I was barely enduring that at least my devotion and love for Christ had been real, even though that to which I had been devoted had turned out not to be.

 

The real reason that the Christians you knew and loved while you, too, were a Christian cannot agree that you were a true Christian is because to do so acknowledges that those small, maybe barely noticeable doubts they face every once in a while when they mistakenly have an unguarded moment just may be true. It is their own Faith's self-preservation in action for you to see. So try not to let it bother you when they suggest that you were never a true Christian because their statements are more about themselves than about you. Coming to this understanding takes some time, but fear not because it will come to you, too, once your own nerves calm down and allow you more fully to accept the glorious truth that you have managed to reach.

 

I know that at this moment reaching this great truth about the falsity of Christianity may not feel so "glorious" to you, but that will come to you, too. Just give it all time because time is the great healer. You, like the rest of us, were deceived for many years and drawn into a lie which we accepted as the truth. The damage that coming to terms with having allowed oneself to have been ensnared like that by a false religion can cause is incalculable. But that damage is real and you need time to recover and heal from it. Start that recovery by letting the past go as best as you can and holding onto the reality to which you have now been returned through much bravery on your part. Think of yourself as a wounded soldier who fought in a winning battle who is now back in home camp recovering from your wounds. ExC is that camp and you are welcome to recover here.

[Margee]

It is like I have woken up from the Matrix, but rather than taking a pill, my eyes hove opened slowly over years .

 

...... my desire to live more zealously .

 

I feel so alone. I am for the first time ever alone.

Welcome to Ex-c Witty. I'm so glad you found us. Please my darling...you are not alone here. You have us. We know and understand exactly what you are going through. You described it perfectly when you said you feel like you have woken up from the matrix. That was brilliantly said!! That's exactly what it feels like. And it's not fun. Your whole worldview has now been turned upside down and you will never be the same person again. That is scary. That's what I went through discovering that the christian god and jesus that I loved and tried to please was all bullshit. I was devastated!! I don't have a lot of time to write right now. I want you to read the letter I wrote when I joined EX-c so you will be convinced that you are not alone and you have friends who understand. Please keep reading and writing all you can. We will help you on your journey.

 

One more thing I want to tell you this morning is the sooner you don't give a shit what those christians are saying, the faster you will heal. You must remember, that they are all brainwashed people. You do not need to impress them anymore because they are brainwashed. You must not care what 'robots' think!! Christians are robots. So are all the other religions.

 

You are out of the matrix and now you can create a free life for yourself. I was 55 years old by the time i joined this board almost 5 years ago.

 

I give you a big hug today because I understand what you are going through!! Hang in there sweetie. It takes a little while for all this to sink in.

 

((hug))

 

Here's my letter. http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/page-1#.ViDZSH6rSUk

[Storm]

Welcome to ex-c, Witty. I too share your experience of wanting to get closer to God and ended up not believing in him. It is scary and can feel overwhelming, but in time it will get better. There are many good people here who can help you through this new experience for you.

[mymistake]

Welcome to the forum.  Your ex pastor is a jerk and a scam artist.  He has to deny you or else he will lose income from other people waking up.  He makes his living by feeding his "flock" delusions.   I'm sorry you are experiencing the "reward" of a Christian life.  We have all been there.  But the good news is that the rest of your life begins right now and there is a better way.  Think for yourself and live for yourself.  Do what you value and be true to yourself.

[florduh]

Those who would say you never really did believe are doing so in self defense. After all, they simply can't be wrong as they have so much invested in the delusion. YOU know the truth and the opinions and criticisms of others are irrelevant.

 

Be of good cheer!

[LongWayAround]

When I deconverted, my wife who is still a christian said the same thing to me; "You were never a real christian; you never really believed."  I think it is like others have said in posts above me, it is scary for the christian to acknowledge that a true, believing christian could stop believing because that means it could happen to them and that equates to a one-way-ticket to Hell.  Woo Hoo!

 

The latest thing my wife says now is that I never received the holy spirit and that is why I don't believe.

 

Whatever.

[Guest Furball]

I have still not yet written a full 'testimony' here. Partly due to having to thumb type on a phone but partly because a part of me does not want to believe this is happening. It is like I have woken up from the Matrix, but rather than taking a pill, my eyes hove opened slowly over years .

 

I just wanted to share the hurt of being told that my Pastor said of me 'well she must not have believed anyway. She should be one of the most grateful as God forgave her for having a baby when not married'.

 

How dare they dismiss the fact I have wasted my life on believing this sh*t and say I never believed?

 

I'm 35 now and every decision of my conscious life up till about seven months also was based on what the bible says I should do or think - generally to my detriment . Even the unrealistic expectations of celibacy let me to be in a situation whew if I were not Christian I would have planned for contraception. To go on the pill or take condoms would have been 'to plan to sin' .

 

My deconversion came through many things and ironically partly due to my desire to live more zealously . The more I tried to apply that stuff in my life the more clear that it was contradictory nonsense.

 

I feel so alone. I am for the first time ever alone.

 

Hi and welcome to Ex-C. You are not alone, though I know what you mean. I too, when deconverting felt like I was coming out of some matrix or dream like state. It was a real mind trip deconverting. Thank you for sharing some of your story. I look forward to reading your posts. 

[Burny]

Welcome to ex-c. I was in your exact shoes 2.5 years ago at around the same age. I also deconverted very suddenly while pursuing a life of godliness and the truth of xtianity.

 

The most important thing for you to hold close is that you are NOT ALONE and you have TRUTH and REALITY on your side. There are literally thousands, if not millions of us coming to the same conclusions each year. Most people keep living a lie, because it's easier than coming out. You are one of the courageous ones who is honest enough with yourself and your friends / family to tell the truth, no matter the cost. 

 

Be strong and keep your head up! The freedom you've gained is wonderful once the pain of separation starts to fade.

[amateur]

Welcome, Witty!  I am so sorry you had to deal with what your pastor said.  That is nothing but cruel and cutting at a time when someone is hurting.

 

This is a good place to be.  You can work out a lot of your own issues and concerns here, and when you start making new friends outside of church, you'll be much more comfortable of your new dis-beliefs.

[duderonomy]

Hi Witty, and welcome!  

I can relate to a lot of what you said. It is scary at first to de-convert. I remember those feelings. At the same time though, I started to realize that what I did and the decisions I made mattered right here and now, and not for some pie in the sky afterlife. It's sobering, but also exciting, like starting out on a big adventure.

I remember the feeling alone part too, but you will realize that you aren't any more alone than you ever were. It's been only you all along. Sure, you'll lose churchy friends and some structure, but that's the beauty of it, really. Now you are free to make your own friends and find your own structure without dragging around the ball and chain of an antiquated myth. 

 

I hope you stick around here and take advantage of what's available. It's a cool place for people like us.

[Wittyusername]

Thank you for the words of comfort. I have just posted my story in testimonies. http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/70050-there-and-back-again-a-tale-of-dwarves-prostitutes-church-camps-and-deconversion/

 

It feels like posting all this has made it real and I am feeling very sad and emotional.

[Wittyusername]

 

It is like I have woken up from the Matrix, but rather than taking a pill, my eyes hove opened slowly over years .

 

...... my desire to live more zealously .

 

I feel so alone. I am for the first time ever alone.

Welcome to Ex-c Witty. I'm so glad you found us. Please my darling...you are not alone here. You have us. We know and understand exactly what you are going through. You described it perfectly when you said you feel like you have woken up from the matrix. That was brilliantly said!! That's exactly what it feels like. And it's not fun. Your whole worldview has now been turned upside down and you will never be the same person again. That is scary. That's what I went through discovering that the christian god and jesus that I loved and tried to please was all bullshit. I was devastated!! I don't have a lot of time to write right now. I want you to read the letter I wrote when I joined EX-c so you will be convinced that you are not alone and you have friends who understand. Please keep reading and writing all you can. We will help you on your journey.

 

One more thing I want to tell you this morning is the sooner you don't give a shit what those christians are saying, the faster you will heal. You must remember, that they are all brainwashed people. You do not need to impress them anymore because they are brainwashed. You must not care what 'robots' think!! Christians are robots. So are all the other religions.

 

You are out of the matrix and now you can create a free life for yourself. I was 55 years old by the time i joined this board almost 5 years ago.

 

I give you a big hug today because I understand what you are going through!! Hang in there sweetie. It takes a little while for all this to sink in.

 

((hug))

 

Here's my letter. http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/page-1#.ViDZSH6rSUk

I read your letter. It was hard to read. It's as if you had visited my mind.

 

Does all this get any easier?

[yunea]

It gets easier with time. I deconverted last year, joined here in January knowing I was agnostic for good, and I was a right mess in the head. Everyone goes at their own pace, but to use myself as an example, at this point I feel MUCH better and more balanced than I ever did as a believer.

 

There are some moments... Moments that I miss something about the old life. But they're more and more few and far between.

[duderonomy]

It gets easier, Witty, and the further you get away from it, the more you can see it as comical.

[dichotomy]

Hi wittyusername. You're not alone, there's many of us around, who have had similar experiences.

 

My husband had his best friend in church turn around and say to him "well you ever really seemed to believe anyway" and he was so badly hurt. Thankfully the wife of this other guy and I were there and she told him to shut up and stop being cruel, which helped a little at the time, but what that guy said was one of many stupid comments we both got about that kind of thing. It's their way of dealing with the fact that a fellow believer has iost their faith I think.

 

I was 28/29 when I finally realised and accepted I was an atheist, I'm 33 now and I can honestly say that whilst I had a load of crap in my life to deal with, it has been better and easier without god or the church sticking their noses in. I've found new, true friends, and I've rediscovered myself. It is a biut like waking up from the matrix and it's hard to shake all those all world views and habits, but it is possible.

X

[RenaissanceWoman]

Yes, it gets easier. It takes some time, but it will hurt less and less and consume you less and less. You are exploring and discussing a lot, and that is leading you further along this path. Take heart. One day you will be able to laugh about that preacher and his pathetic attempts to guilt trip you or belittle you or whatever.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. We've been there; we get it. You are not alone. I hope you find peace soon.

[Wittyusername]

Thanks for the words of support.

[Jeff]

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome!

 

... She should be one of the most grateful as God forgave her for having a baby when not married.

Hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha

Hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha

Ok.

Wait

Hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha

Hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha

Oh boy.

Christians... Those guys just slay me sometimes.

[Jeff]

I'd bet my left leg that your pastors computer is so full of porn...

Hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha

Hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha

Oh boy.

Seriously now. You are awesome. Hang in there and make some friends here too cause you are gonna keep feeling so much better as you go along.

It is tough not having imaginary friends and not having some big plan that makes everything ok that's bad in the world. Can you believe that we all fell for that ridiculous stuff?

Again welcome.

[dichotomy]

Jeff you crack me up.