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Goodbye Jesus

Here We Go!


Daffodil

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It happened. I knew it would be one of my kids that would start the process. My daughter got into a conversation with her cousin in which her cousin told her that if she didn't get baptized, they wouldn't see each other in heaven. My daughter said that wasn't true. My mother overheard this and later asked me about it.

 

Mom: Did you know she feels this way?

 

Me: Yeah, she's always had doubts.

 

Mom: Doesn't she want to get baptized?

 

Me: No, she doesn't believe in that stuff.

 

Mom: Aren't you worried about that?

 

Me: No, she needs to decide for herself what she believes.

 

Mom: (long silence)

 

Mom: What about you and (my husband)? You don't have doubts do you?

 

Me: Actually, we both do. He has never felt the presence of god, and I have always struggled with the bible and faith.

 

Mom: Really!?

 

Me: Yeah, it's no big deal.

 

Mom: What about (my son)? Does he want to get baptized?

 

Me: Yes, but I told him he needs to wait till he's older. (He's nine)

 

Mom: (long silence)

 

Mom: Do you still go to church?

 

Me: No, we don't feel like it's the right place for us right now.

 

Mom: How will they learn about god if you don't go to church!?

 

Me: We still go to Life Group, so they get a little bit there.

 

Mom: Do you ever pray with them anymore?

 

Me: Sometimes, if they want us to.

 

We then had a little awkward back and forth with her trying to figure out why I've changed, including accusing one of our previous fundamentalist churches of hurting me, and me trying to lessen the impact. I just can't go into all the details yet and really don't want her worrying anymore about me/us than she already naturally does. We've been enjoying a 4-day weekend with her, my brother and his family. We leave tomorrow to return home. I'm more thankful than ever that we live in different states, but I expect there will be awkward phone calls to come in the future. My brother and his wife haven't heard about this yet (I don't think), though their daughter, who had the initial convo with my daughter, and my mom will soon clue them in. They are evangelicals, though thankfully not fundagelicals, and homeschool their kids. We are their kids' godparents. My mom is mainline and my dad was a mainline minister before he died, for those of you new to my story.

 

Anyway, the shit didn't hit the fan because I minimized the blow as much as I could. We'll see where this goes.

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Sounds like you handled it really well.  It's not easy, but in some ways it's better once they know.

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Darn, outed by your kid! I can attest, that's how it goes with kids sometimes. I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

I'm actually more concerned about your daughter. You may want to have a light follow-up conversation with her, to make sure she's not feeling peer pressure about it, or having doubts about hell and junk. Your daughter probably planted a seed of doubt in her cousin, but the cousin may have planted a seed of doubt in her too. No big deal, but I'd just see where her head is.

 

I don't have advice for you regarding the adults. Yes, living far away is a blessing, isn't it?

 

In my experience, 3 or 4 days together always ends up revealing stuff I hadn't intended. Funny how that works.

 

It sounds like you handled it well. I think you'll know what to do if-and-when it comes up again. Don't let it worry you.

 

As for your mother's questioning about the former church hurting you... That's an honest question, and nothing to be ashamed of if that is what started your journey away. The pain inflicted on me by my former church is what started me down the path to deconversion. Why does god allow "his people", who are "new creations in Christ" and "indwelt by the Holy Spirit" to be such evil, power hungry, back stabbing, insecure, hypocritical shits? Maybe having Christ and the Holy Spirit both dwelling inside them is still not enough to overcome the devil, huh? Maybe God isn't all that powerful? Maybe because that shit isn't real? Or am I not worthy of God's help and protection, despite my extreme commitment to him and his work? Maybe it's me? Do I not believe enough, do I not give enough, do I not try hard enough, do I have hidden sins that God is punishing me for? I could go on and on about the mind fuck that ensued from all of this. My quest to study harder and understand God's ways and plans for me... lead me too far down the rabbit hole. Then I got it -- it's not real.

 

Stand your ground. Keep your boundaries. It might be awkward for a while, but I think you'll do fine.

 

I'll be curious to know how it goes as this unfolds.

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Had a follow-up with my daughter this morning. Wow, there was more to it than I thought! She is 11 and cousin is 12. She told her cousin that humans came from a fish because of a small bone in their thumb, or something like that (she's very into dinosaurs and evolution). Somehow the conversation worked around to my daughter saying that all people go to heaven. Cousin said that you only go to heaven if you are baptized. Daughter said that baptism is just getting dunked in water and she's never going to do that because it's just water. I told her that I love her and that she has a good head on her shoulders. I'm fully confident that she will work it all out eventually.

 

On a side note, it's been a good visit, but also an eye-opening one. I love my sister-in-law and get along with her great, but her entrenched beliefs and biases are starting to grate on me. Little comments here and there about homosexuals got annoying. I watched her and my brother twice harass their youngest daughter into smiling for them when she didn't want to. It was sort of a teasing thing, but when I said I thought they were being mean to her, they just poo-pooed my concern and kept at it until she did. They have raised their kids to obey with no argument and with a "happy heart" at all times. While I think that respect of authority is an important quality to develop in a child, I think they have gone overboard to an extent and have squelched their personalities. I like it when my kids show a little gumption and argue their case, as long as they are not disrespectful to me. Overall I think they are good parents and their kids are not abused and know they are loved, but they are doing everything required to ensure that their kids are going to continue on this road of belief in superstition and it makes me sad.

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Smart daughter you've got there, Daffodil!   You're a great mom!  

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