Funny Biblical Tales

[Adam5]

What is your favorite funny biblical tale? 

 

One of mine is when Jesus curses the fig tree...

 

In between fishing trips, and long periods of time spent praying to himself, Jesus sets off back to the city.

 

It is early morning and he is hungry. He sees a fig tree by the side of the road but it has only leaves on it, not figs.

 

He says "May you never bear fruit again!”  The creator of the universe! curses the tree causing it to immediately wither.  Showing off his power!!

 

His friends are impressed!  Saying "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?"

 

And it gets more crazy still.

 

Jesus replies "Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

 

Talk about delusional !!

 

But we are told Jesus IS God so he is infallible and perfect.  All knowing. Yet he is cursing a tree 

[Jeff]

I get a laugh every time I tell a Christian that the bible allows tithe to be spent on hard liquor and they tell me how wrong ("no it doesn't!" )I am until I show them the verse.

Deuteronomy 14:26

-

Of course I'm taking it out of context but they are never able to tell me what the correct context is. They just can't admit to themselves that one of the FEW verses that actually talks about tithe says nothing remotely resembling what they've been taught about tithing.

Some have tried to tell me that "well the tithe was for priests back then but for the church now". They can never explain how this is biblical to me once I point out that we are all "priests and kings in Christ" now. I have scripture behind me and they don't... Soooooo they shut down. Suprise!

Not really a bible story but my other choice was pretty gruesome so I went with this.

[Adam5]

I get a laugh every time I tell a Christian that the bible allows tithe to be spent on hard liquor and they tell me how wrong ("no it doesn't!" )I am until I show them the verse.

Deuteronomy 14:26

 

 26 Use the silver to buy whatever you like: cattle, sheep, wine or other fermented drink, or anything you wish. guess this is what you'd expect from bronze age sheep and goat herders

[amateur]

I really like the story of when Jesus calms the storm.

 

So you have a group of disciples that were fishermen; yes, fishermen.  Guys who had grown up on boats, around the sea, probably taught by their fathers and grandfathers to fish.  So you know this group of strong, young men knew how to deal with storms at sea from a young age, and if they were men like men are today, you know they weren't a bunch of men afraid of a little water.  Think of the young men you know -- how many are willing to admit they are scared and don't know what to do?  Like none, right?  Especially if they were trained, from birth, to be able to do something.  Like go fishing by boat in the sea.  This group of strong, young men would have known the weather conditions far in advance, would have known what to expect, and would have known exactly what to do in case of a storm.  And in case they didn't, they still never would have admitted out loud in front of each other that they were scared and needed help.  I'm quite sure that each of those strong, young men had an impressive array of stories about storms at seas where they almost died but because they knew just what to do, they lived to brag about it.  And that is a very normal, healthy thing.

 

So they woke up Jesus, who had been trained as a carpenter since birth, and he calmed the storm and asked them why they were they were afraid.

 

*rolls eyes*  Um, no.

 

Here's the story:

Mark 4:35-41New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Calms the Storm

35 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” 36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. 37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

40 He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

41 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

[Mythra]

The foreskins dowry  1 Samuel 18

 

24 When Saul’s servants told him what David had said, 25 Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’” Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines.

26 When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, 27 David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.

 

Couldn't have said "right finger" or eyeball or something?  These people had a real obsession with improving  mutilating the penis. 

[Portobella]

Jesus cursing the fig tree has always been my favourite "wtf?" story. One of the gospels states that the tree was bare for it was not the season for figs. I remember being a little kid and grilling my dad about why Jesus would smite a tree for having no fruit in a non-fruiting season. The analogy between cursing the fig tree and moving mountains in faith is... well, I just didn't get it. I remember coming to the conclusion that Jesus was hungry but found no figs, got super angry and killed the poor tree, only to realise the disciples had seen everything and so he gave some half-baked speech on prayer to cover his ass. 

[Mythra]

I didn't find this verse funny at the time.  But I do now:

 

24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.

 

Building your house on the rock only works if you don't look too closely at the rock. The rock turns out to be limestone.  I read the bible too much and found I had built my house right over the top of a sinkhole.

[mymistake]

Genesis 9: 20-27

 

After the flood was over Noah planted a vineyard.  (Don't ask where he got the grape seeds!)  And then Noah made some wine, drink it and passed out naked in his tent.  Noah's son Ham (Like who names their son after a type of meat?) goes into the tent, spies on his naked dad and then tells his brothers, Shem and Japheth, all about it.

 

         

 

 

So Shem and Japheth face away as they walk backwards into the tent and without looking they drop a blanket over Noah's naked ass.  

 

 

Then Noah eventually sobers up.  When Noah hears about what Ham had done Noah proclaims:

 

"Cursed be Canaan!"

 

 

dufuq did I just read?

 

Canaan is Ham's son.  And he wasn't even in the story yet.  What did Canaan do?

 

Noah goes on this rant about how Canaan must be punished and Canaan will be a slave forever.

 

But in the story (as it appears today) Canaan didn't do anything at all.

[FlowerDemon]

 

Matthew 17:20New International Version (NIV)

20 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faithas small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

A lot of Christians say to not take this verse literally. But the way Jesus says it sounds like he is being serious that your faith can move a whole mountain. It makes me wonder if people have actually tried to pray to Jesus to see if a mountain would move from one place to another. 

 

[bunzooh]

The sacrifice of Isaac.

 

"Abraham. Offer your son as a burnt sacrifice"

"okay God." (did a tear drop from his eye? did his hand shake?)

----three days later----

Abraham binds Isaac and places him on the wood, upon the altar where the killing and burning is to take place. Abraham...obeying God to the utmost....raises his knife to slaughter his own son. And God says

 

"Psyche! ha! you pass!"

 

Even when I loved the Bible, i hated this story. What a fickle SOB yahweh is in this story.

[yunea]

Matthew 17:20New International Version (NIV)

20 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faithas small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

A lot of Christians say to not take this verse literally. But the way Jesus says it sounds like he is being serious that your faith can move a whole mountain. It makes me wonder if people have actually tried to pray to Jesus to see if a mountain would move from one place to another. 

I forget where I heard it, may have been this site even, but I have heard of a guy who didn't dare to pray for an actual mountain to move because he was so sure it would.

[Margee]

My favorite story begins right in the book of Genesis where god made all the animals and wanted Adam to pick out a help mate. This of course is before he decided to make wo-man from Adams rib. 

 

That's some god damned smart god for ya!! 

 

''In Genesis chapter 1, God created every animal with a mate, including man.

So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

~ Genesis 1:27 

 

But in chapter 2, God does something a little unusual, He creates a mate for every animal except man, and then asks man to choose a mate from the animals!''

 

https://500questions.wordpress.com/2011/10/04/22-was-god-really-hoping-adam-would-find-a-suitable-partner-among-the-animals/

[buffettphan]

One of my favorites is that the omni-everything god is too weak to win a fight against those with iron chariots.  Whaaaaat?  
 

And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. Judges 4:13-16

 

 
Of course, with the bible being the buybull, there is a contradictory story too.  Again, whaaaaaaaat?

 

 

And Sisera gathered together all his chariots, even nine hundred chariots of iron, and all the people that were with him, from Harosheth of the Gentiles unto the river of Kishon. And Deborah said unto Barak, Up; for this is the day in which the LORD hath delivered Sisera into thine hand: is not the LORD gone out before thee? So Barak went down from mount Tabor, and ten thousand men after him. And the LORD discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword before Barak; so that Sisera lighted down off his chariot, and fled away on his feet. But Barak pursued after the chariots, and after the host, unto Harosheth of the Gentiles: and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left. Judges 4:13-16

 

 

Gotta laugh.   

 

 

 

( Both quotes from the Skeptics Annotated Bible

  http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/contra/iron.html )

 

[Wittyusername]

What about the parable of the persistent widow;

 

Luke 18:1-8King James Version (KJV)

 

18 And he spake a parable unto them to this end, that men ought always to pray, and not to faint;

 

2 Saying, There was in a city a judge, which feared not God, neither regarded man:

 

3 And there was a widow in that city; and she came unto him, saying, Avenge me of mine adversary.

 

4 And he would not for a while: but afterward he said within himself, Though I fear not God, nor regard man;

 

5 Yet because this widow troubleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.

 

6 And the Lord said, Hear what the unjust judge saith.

 

7 And shall not God avenge his own elect, which cry day and night unto him, though he bear long with them?

 

8 I tell you that he will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless when the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on the earth?

 

I get the message is 'pie in the sky when you die', but all I took away was that even a mean old judge would be moved by the widows pleas, but God is hard hearted enough to be able to ignore the 7 billion sets of tears.

[Mythra]

SAVED BY A FORESKIN:

 

24 At a lodging place on the way, the Lord met Moses[b] and was about to kill him. 25 But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son’s foreskin and touched Moses’ feet with it.[c] “Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me,” she said.26 So the Lord let him alone.

[bunzooh]

How about the magic spell for detecting if your wife has been unfaithful? Numbers 5:11-31

 

there's holy water, dust from the floor of the tabernacle, writing down the curse on a scroll, washing the ink off into a basin of water, unbinding the woman's hair, making her listen to the charges, then drink the water with the washed off ink in it, mixed with the dust of the tabernacle floor. If she has been unfaithful, her thigh withers and her belly swells up and she miscarries.

 

what...on the spot? or does it take a few days, or what? since it is clearly a magic spell, the effect should be immediate, right? It is one passage that has always pissed me off. I don't care if society was brutal to women in those days and this is tame and compassionate in comparison to what was actually happening (according to some pat answer type who told me this when I wondered about it)...Yup. God said it, I believe it, that settles it. BARF

[FlowerDemon]

this website has some funny (and messed up) ones:

 

http://listverse.com/2008/01/31/top-10-bizarre-biblical-tales/

[Guest Furball]

luke 2:14 - Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men.

luke 12:51 - Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division:

 

The great story of jesus birth and the angels bringing good news about peace on earth....wait....jesus says he didn't come to bring peace on earth? Someone's lying here. And it's located in the same book. Just like the book of john says god is a spirit and not a man yet at the beginning of the same book it says god became a man. 

 

Ridiculous.