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What's The Worst Relationship You've Been In?


Merlinfmct87
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Just thought I'd pose a question to the forum members here: What's the worst romantic relationship you were in, and what did you learn from that relationship?

 

Heartless bitches, thoughtless jerks, insensitive clods, or out-right sociopathic monsters... it's all inside. :HaHa:

 

Looking forward to your replies!

 

Merlin

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I'll take "outright sociopathic monsters" for $200, Alex...

 

That title belongs to my ex-husband, whom I divorced in 2002. Among other things, he had affairs and gave me a play-by-play of what he and his mistresses were doing; called my daughter "Lolita"; threw my Qat at a wall; and threatened to murder my best friend.

 

When he wasn't doing that, he sat on his butt playing Doom while he ran the latest incarnation of the family business into debt.

 

I spent nearly 26 years with this loser and supported him financially for 20 of those years.

 

What did I learn from it all? That I'm strong enough to endure damn near anything this world can throw at me. And that sometimes the best thing is to throw a few clothes into a garbage bag, call a cab, and run for your life. :eek:

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That title belongs to my ex-husband, whom I divorced in 2002. Among other things, he had affairs and gave me a play-by-play of what he and his mistresses were doing; called my daughter "Lolita"; threw my Qat at a wall; and threatened to murder my best friend.

 

Wow :eek:

 

 

I don't know anything that can top that.

 

I've haven't really been in really bad relationships...but then again I'm only 20 and had only three relationships, so I'm not really one to talk.

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Astreja... wow... good job surviving that. I doubt I would have been able to take that for so long.

 

 

Me, all I've got are run-of-the-mill bad relationships. Had there been any good ones, or even if I had gotten a freaking apology from this last girl, I doubt I would be at this moment wearing all the black I own (which isn't much; I don't wear any black usually) and glowering at everyone. There's no one particular thing--or one particular relationship--that's brought me here, but...

 

* is not going to have a good day today *

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I'd have to say most people I have had the displeasure of being in contact with(net people definately excluded and my only 1 friend I've known for 20 years and my 2 kids) mainly because I was door mat and didn't even know it.

 

But the worst relationship I have ever been in is of course the one I have with myself, but we are definately working things through.

I'd tell you about the destruction of my marriage but we were naively both to blame so no fowl by either of us.

 

People are fucked up but I'm not going to hold that against them.

Knowing yourself, really digging deep and addressing the shit within that's the key to inner balance and harmony and that will create harmony within relationships.

 

And if that don't work, fuck it let's nuke the whole fucking species, we don't belong here anyway.

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My worst relationship...that would have to be the heartless bitch.

 

I lived in Athens, GA and attended the University of Georgia. Through some relatives, I met a girl that lived in a small town in Alabama. We went out on a blind date and we were both attracted to each other...or so it seemed. The thing that I wasn't told about her was that she was recently divorced and had two little girls aged 3 and 5. If I had known that in the first place, I might have just told the family to go fuck themselves, I'm not dating a divorcee with kids when I'm only 24.

 

Of course, I didn't, and since I thought she was cute and had a great body AND we stayed up all night talking and making out, I gave it a chance. DUMB ASS!!! :Doh: I made the two and a half hour trip to see her just about every weekend. Then on the fourth of July about 10 to 12 years ago, I went to see her again. I stayed in her apartment while she went to drop her girls off with their dad. I waited and waited...and then there was a knock on the door. A friend of hers was standing there with a very grave look on his face. We hadn't met before and so he asked, "Chris?" I said, "Yes..." not knowing what the hell was going on. He told me I'd better come with him. We got in his car and drove less than two blocks to the intersection above her apartment building. There in the parking lot of the dollar store on the corner was the mangled wreck of her Grand Am. I was in shock. I didn't know what to do. I saw her in the car as they worked to get her out. I just stood there and stared. Once they finally got her out and into an ambulance, her friends and I drove to the local hospital. We weren't there long before the doctors told us there was nothing they could do for her there and they were going to medivac her out to Erlanger Hospital in Chattanooga, TN. I drove there with her family and waited. It was hell. I can't remember most of what was wrong with her, but it was all internal except for a badly broken leg. I think she had to have her spleen removed.

 

Anyway, the whole thing was because of a hotdogging redneck volunteer firefighter on his way to put out a brush fire. He tried to pass her doing 90 as she was making a left hand turn. He broadsided her. So enough about that.

 

I dropped out of college and moved to Alabama to be with her and help take care of her. As a matter of fact...this whole incident is what initially brought me back to God after my first "backsliding." I thought, "There is no way she should even be alive. There has to be a God that intervened and kept her from dying so those little girls would not lose their mother." Yeah. :Wendywhatever:

 

So I moved...took a shitty little job in a convenience store...did my best to make her recovery as pleasant as possible...and then she tells me that she needs to start dating her ex again. She doesn't want to break up with me, but she wants to date him too. If there's any chance that he and she can make it, she needs to be with him for her daughters. :twitch:

 

I should have left RIGHT THEN. :Doh: But I didn't. I went along with it. :loser: I let her fuck him and me at the same time. Oh yeah...did I mention she was a holy rolling pentecostal? Nope. I didn't. But she was. She knew how to do some holy hay rolling too, let me tell ya. :wicked:

 

Anyway, to shorten this already too long pathetic story, she went back to him and left me high and dry. This lead to my rebound marriage with another holy roller. Why oh WHY I didn't just pack up and LEAVE the state and go BACK to school right then and there I'll never know. Fucked the rest of my life right to hell. The ONLY good thing to come of it all was my two children...but now they are stuck in the fundy camp and I can't get them out.

 

So anyway, that was the worst romantic relationship I ever had. Not that I couldn't have avoided it if I'd have used HALF of my brain...but I was thinking with my other head I guess. :shrug:

 

Astreja still has the title though. :phew:

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Edited

 

There is nothing I can say about the bad things that other people have done without thinking about how I've allowed these things to happen.

 

Put blame where blame is due. Don't try to get rid of any of the burden which you yourself took on, but don't try to take any blame away from others for their mistakes. They must shoulder it themselves.

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Don't try to get rid of any of the burden which you yourself took on, but don't try to take any blame away from others for their mistakes. They must shoulder it themselves.
Tell it, brother! Grab all your own shit, then get the heck outta the way so the Karma Faerie can deal with the other party without inflicting collateral damage.
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I haven't had a relationship that ever went well. I am/was just too wrapped up in my own problems that I took it all out on the person that was around me. I was the heartless bitch! Now, I don't have relationships because I know/knew what I am/was. I am talking like this because I think that I have changed, but I still don't want a anyone in my life right now. I haven't evolved enough to feel comfortable with someone in my space. I am hoping that with my studies, I will be able to overcome that. First, I have to forgive myself then I can forgive others that treated my badly. We all have expectations and that is where the problem lies. If someone doesn't live up to those expectations, then we feel harmed somehow. It shouldn't be like this, IMO.

 

Merlin, I really luv ya and I don't have the answers but people are the way they are because of other things. Don't take things personally...it's just the way they are. What they do to you is a reflection on themselves...not on you.

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Astreja's is by far the worst.

 

All of my relationships have pretty much sucked because I put up with too much shit where I should have told them to go fucking scratch and stood up for myself. I was the good Christain woman (ie doormat).

 

My marriage was the worst.

 

I married my ex because I thought I should. I was having sex with him and I needed to marry him because of that. Big mistake.

 

His family and my family knew each other before either of us were ever born and were in the same business together. Our families really wanted us to get married and give them grandchildren, so there was a lot of pressure for me to marry him.

 

As a wedding gift, his family bought him a business (actually, it was a bunch of machines, a new Case enloader, a new dump truck, a new bob cat with attatchments, and a flatbed to haul them on and he could use the other equipment his family owned if he needed them or they'd buy it for him) and gave us a house to live in, rent free and also paid the utilities. It sounded like a great deal at the time. He promised me that if I married him that we would have a wonderful life and to give him five years to build his business. I gave him nine.

 

I didn't understand Mr. Handed Everything You Have Ever Wanted in Life was a spoiled rotten fucking brat, and didn't like to work. All he had to do was work sometimes, but that was way too much. He had better things to do, like party. In the beginning, I thought that he just needed to get it out of his system. He's forty-one years old now, and still hasn't gotten it out of his system. He hasn't grown up, or accepted responsibility and now, at forty-one, he's just plain sad.

 

He never contributed financially to the family. We had to have separate checking accounts and if I needed something for the kids or the house, I had to borrow money from him and pay him back. He, however, always had the best for himself no matter if his kids had to go without. For instance, I thought the kids needed winter coats because they didn't have any. He thought he needed a new pair of $250 tennis shoes. He always had a minimum of a couple of hundred dollars in his pocket while I had to struggle to feed and clothe the kids, all while giving him half my paycheck (He said I had to pay my share even though our house was provided for and so were the utilities.)

 

I was a Christian and I thought that as long as he didn't cheat on me or hit me I had to stay. After all, I made a vow to god and not my ex. I said for better or worse and just because it was worse, didn't give me a right to break my vow to god.

 

Finally, after being married nine long years, he had an affair. The kids told me. He brought his girlfriend home while I was at work. I was relieved. I had my ticket out of hell.

 

Taph

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Oh, my...

 

Astreja...

 

YOU ROCK. :notworthy::notworthy:

 

You are absolutely right, sometimes you do have to just make a break for it. Crank up "Born to run" and make a stand for yourself. The... thing you were with was not worth your time.

 

You're a role-model for all of us. Thank you for sharing your story, and here's to your continued freedom and happiness.

 

 

DUDE! I think we've met the same girl. At least in my case, I got out before kids were even something to bring up.

 

No matter what, don't blame yourself. I don't think you were thinking with either one of your heads, in all honesty. You were(at the time) in love... that's something the people you were involved with knew, and, much to your cost, knew how to manipulate. If they had been honest/straight with you, you would have bolted for the hills.

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I haven't had a relationship that ever went well. I am/was just too wrapped up in my own problems that I took it all out on the person that was around me. I was the heartless bitch! Now, I don't have relationships because I know/knew what I am/was. I am talking like this because I think that I have changed, but I still don't want a anyone in my life right now. I haven't evolved enough to feel comfortable with someone in my space. I am hoping that with my studies, I will be able to overcome that. First, I have to forgive myself then I can forgive others that treated my badly. We all have expectations and that is where the problem lies. If someone doesn't live up to those expectations, then we feel harmed somehow. It shouldn't be like this, IMO.

 

Merlin, I really luv ya and I don't have the answers but people are the way they are because of other things. Don't take things personally...it's just the way they are. What they do to you is a reflection on themselves...not on you.

 

It's posts like this that make me wish I had hours and hours to talk this out with you, sis. A long chat over coffee is really what I'd like. There's so much that could be said about this subject.

 

No matter what, though, I'm taking your words to heart. It's a reflection of them, not of me.

 

Astreja's is by far the worst.

 

All of my relationships have pretty much sucked because I put up with too much shit where I should have told them to go fucking scratch and stood up for myself. I was the good Christain woman (ie doormat).

 

My marriage was the worst.

 

I married my ex because I thought I should. I was having sex with him and I needed to marry him because of that. Big mistake.

 

His family and my family knew each other before either of us were ever born and were in the same business together. Our families really wanted us to get married and give them grandchildren, so there was a lot of pressure for me to marry him.

 

As a wedding gift, his family bought him a business (actually, it was a bunch of machines, a new Case enloader, a new dump truck, a new bob cat with attatchments, and a flatbed to haul them on and he could use the other equipment his family owned if he needed them or they'd buy it for him) and gave us a house to live in, rent free and also paid the utilities. It sounded like a great deal at the time. He promised me that if I married him that we would have a wonderful life and to give him five years to build his business. I gave him nine.

 

I didn't understand Mr. Handed Everything You Have Ever Wanted in Life was a spoiled rotten fucking brat, and didn't like to work. All he had to do was work sometimes, but that was way too much. He had better things to do, like party. In the beginning, I thought that he just needed to get it out of his system. He's forty-one years old now, and still hasn't gotten it out of his system. He hasn't grown up, or accepted responsibility and now, at forty-one, he's just plain sad.

 

He never contributed financially to the family. We had to have separate checking accounts and if I needed something for the kids or the house, I had to borrow money from him and pay him back. He, however, always had the best for himself no matter if his kids had to go without. For instance, I thought the kids needed winter coats because they didn't have any. He thought he needed a new pair of $250 tennis shoes. He always had a minimum of a couple of hundred dollars in his pocket while I had to struggle to feed and clothe the kids, all while giving him half my paycheck (He said I had to pay my share even though our house was provided for and so were the utilities.)

 

I was a Christian and I thought that as long as he didn't cheat on me or hit me I had to stay. After all, I made a vow to god and not my ex. I said for better or worse and just because it was worse, didn't give me a right to break my vow to god.

 

Finally, after being married nine long years, he had an affair. The kids told me. He brought his girlfriend home while I was at work. I was relieved. I had my ticket out of hell.

 

Taph

 

Taph, that sounds a lot like my father. He couldn't grow up or take responsability of a dung cart to save his life... but it was still hard to finally accept his spinelessness.

 

It's quite disgusting to see how deep the Christian programming goes... and how much destruction it can cause.

 

If it's any consolation, your ex is probably reaping his own reward without you there to pick up after his messes.

 

Thank you all for your replies. You've given me a great deal to ponder and think about... keep them coming.

 

Merlin

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Oh wow, crap on a stick. I think Astreja takes first prize for psychos too.

 

My fuckup relationships are mostly a matter of quantity.

 

I don't know what was my "worst" relationship. About a third have been good, a third have been mediocre, a third have been truly awful.

 

The run-down of the Truly Awful relationships begins when I was 14 and started dating my first serious boyfiend (no spelling error there). He was 16 years old when we started dating and was already very well-versed in the art of nonphysical domestic violence. He did everything but hit me. He was dishonest, disloyal, manipulative, self-centered, demanding, critical, dismissive, insulting, and the like. He cheated on me repeatedly. He justified it all by blaming it on me. He told me endlessly that "our" relationship would be so much better if only I would try harder to "stop hurting him". Eventually I got sick of his bullshit and kissed another boy at summer camp. When the boyfiend found out about it he blew a gasket. It was the only time I truly thought he was going to beat me; I think the only thing that prevented him was that we were in a public place. From that point on I was required to recall every thought, word, deed, intent, and emotion that I'd ever had "against" him, and confess it to him so that he could completely "forgive" me. Which meant a blowup, an ass-reaming, stonewalling, and eventually sex, after I begged for him to talk to me again. He broke up with me a week after Valentine's Day. A week later he was with someone else. Every reason he gave for our breakup blamed me. For the next 2 years he stalked me, mostly with harrassing phone calls. None of the adults around me believed it was a problem, so did nothing to stop it.

 

And all this, at the tender young age of 14. I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I was in love with him, so I believed him.

 

I rebounded with a guy who ended up nonviolently raping me. That was a really weird situation and to this day I often don't know how to describe it. Strangely enough I don't hold the kid as responsible as I do my family, who took the opportunity to humiliate and punish me for "having sex". The kid himself wasn't really even in touch with reality, and he certainly didn't create the psychological state I was in. My parents and previous boyfiend did. It made me really intensely vulnerable to any kind of abuse.

 

That rape led to my converting to Xianity, since I was looking desperately for a way to have my fucked up family think I was "clean" again. I had a mother who was drunk most of the time, and alternated between being gushingly clingy and smothering, vs. ripping me a new asshole for not being absolutely fucking perfect. My dad simply didn't seem to give a shit whether I existed or not. My adolescent mind assumed they hated me, since they generally acted like it.

 

My first marriage was pretty awful too. I think I married to escape my family. I learned from that situation that neglect can be just as extreme and just as damaging as outright abuse. Spouse was extremely neglectful. We had no connection at all. I tried for nearly 4 years to get him to talk to me, listen to me, engage somehow. I tried singlehandedly to fix my marriage and failed. I'd explain to him things he could do to improve the marriage, and things I needed him to do in order to improve things, and he would refuse, because he "didn't find it useful" to do any of them. A few months before we split up, my father had a heart attack. When the spouse came home I was sitting in the family room, stunned, with the phone still in my hand. Spouse asked how my day was. I replied that my dad had a heart attack. "Oh," said the spouse. "Is he okay?" "Well, he's alive," I said. Spouse said, "Oh. That's good." Then he walked off and spent the rest of the evening on his computer.

 

I got no hug, no kiss, no concern, no empathy, no "ohmygosh, let me support you" or "let's go to the hospital right now"... I got nothing. That was typical of our marriage. By the end I was lucky if he'd even look up when I entered the room. I finally ended it after I put off an affair a friend wanted to have with me, and when I discussed the reality of our marriage with the spouse, I realized it wasn't worth it. The next day I moved out of the bedroom; within a week I filed for divorce; within the month I was fucking someone else. I just didn't give a shit anymore. The divorce was final the summer of 2000.

 

Post-divorce I was a fuckbunny bigtime. I pretended at the time that I might be polyamorous, but the real truth was that I was so sick and tired of living for so long in utter emotional and physical deprivation that I just fucked everybody who was interested that year.

 

One of the dark blots on my relationship record comes from that time period. I ended up with an angry, violent pothead loser, who'd beaten his ex-wife (she left him in a classic DV escape scenario). I think I ended up with him because I was terrified of being alone; I needed someone to tell me the way the world was, who I was, what I wanted, and how I was feeling, and he was happy to take total control and do that. Close to the start of things I offered to let him crash at my house for a week or two because his roommate was moving and he didn't want to move with them; he ended up mooching off of me for 4 months. He hardly lifted a finger while he was there, and never paid a dime of rent or household expenses. When I asked for financial help, I got a whiny lecture about what a hardship it would be for him to contribute; when I asked for sex I got lectures about how he felt like a boytoy who was only being used for sex; and so on and so on... he was irritable and violent a lot of the time too. He was in many ways a replay of the first guy I was with when I was 14: just as angry, just as manipulative, demanding, and so on; only this time I knew enough to know that I was in danger and that his behavior wasn't really my fault. On a trip to Chicago he screamed at me for 3 hours about my audacity in hoping that we'd find a motel to stay at that had a pool - he ranted and raved, told me what a disappointment I was, what a spoiled brat I was, how I was ruining his trip and that he should never have invited me, that I was wrecking everything because I had standards and if he'd gone alone he would've been happier with less. For 3 hours, nonstop. Because I hoped we'd find a place with a pool, and we didn't. After that I realized he was crazy and I was terrified of him. I don't know how I managed to get him out of my house, but I did, and he never contacted me again.

 

After him I actually got some standards and stopped dicking around with utter losers. Except for Bible Boy, who flew in under my radar. I've posted about him elsewhere.

 

Because of the extent and depth of his deception, Bible Boy is the only ex I've got who I would actually consider truly evil. The pothead loser was a sociopath, but he at least made no efforts to hide who and what he really was. Neither did anybody else; at times I was either just too young, too inexperienced, or too naive to realize that anything was wrong. Bible Boy was a pathological liar, through and through; and when he was caught, he blamed me for "making" him lie, and showed no remorse whatsoever.

 

I have to say that most of what I've learned is really not healthy. I got some standards and I know now what I really want in a relationship and a partner, and I think I've got it in the current spouse. Still, my trust has been damaged beyond repair, both by the aforementioned relationships, and by the unhealthy parenting my family gave me.

 

So that's my sordid story. Sorry it's so long; thanks if you made it all the way through.

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Don't try to get rid of any of the burden which you yourself took on, but don't try to take any blame away from others for their mistakes. They must shoulder it themselves.
Tell it, brother! Grab all your own shit, then get the heck outta the way so the Karma Faerie can deal with the other party without inflicting collateral damage.

 

You both SHOULD be right. The problem is that people don't hold themselves accountable for the wrong they have done. Too bad Karma isn't real. I don't blame myself for anything that has ever been done/ I do however blame myself for my stupid actions.

 

Anyway long story short I'm going to spend thing year alone and taking care of #1, know what I'm sayin? ;) I may even be celibate for the next year. Not that there are any prospective men at my doorstep, but in the event that there is the possibility, I'll snuff it out. No use.

 

<I'm a little drunk so please forgive the rambling>

 

Anyway I had fun at the car show, it's been a successful Valentines day.

 

Wow, this is the first V-day I've spent alone in the last 7 years. It's going pretty well I think.

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Let's see...

 

There was the Mormon guy who claimed he'd had a revelation from god that his purpose in life was to bring me back to the fold. That's why it was okay for us to have sex even though we weren't married. Because God had told him that I'd come back to the church so we could have a temple wedding, but he knew that I'd never marry someone I hadn't already had sex with. Of course, I didn't find out about all of this until I confronted him after discovering that he'd been poking holes in the condoms. He'd mentioned marriage a couple of times, and I pointed out that we'd only been dating a few months, and it was way too soon. So he was trying to get me pregnant so I'd have to marry him.

 

Or there was the guy who seemed fine most of the time, but we'd fight on a pretty regular basis. Every time we fought, we'd not speak for a few days, and then he'd apologize profusely and promise to change if only I'd take him back, then things would go right back to the way they'd been before after a few days. Eventually, after the umpteenth fight in two years, I refused to take him back and we had the fight to top all previous fights. It should have ended there, but pretty much all of our fights boiled down to him expecting me to roll over and do anything he wanted, and me actually having a mind of my own and telling him no when I didn't want to do something. So my refusing to take him back yet again pissed him right the hell off. Thus began the two years of stalking, breaking into my email accounts, posting as me on message boards, showing up at parties at my friends houses where he hadn't been invited, photoshopping my head onto pictures of naked women, and pretty much anything else he could think of to hurt me. It's been about three years now since we broke up, and he got married in that time, but it still hasn't really stopped. When he gets banned from chat rooms and message boards for threatening me, his wife uses her accounts to get in.

 

I've been lucky. Most of the people I've dated have been good people, just not right for me (or I wasn't right for them), but I've had a couple of nutcases.

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Wow. Nothing in my fairly sparse relationship history even comes close. Good to see that y'all got out of them, in the end.

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Oh wow, crap on a stick. I think Astreja takes first prize for psychos too.

 

My fuckup relationships are mostly a matter of quantity.

 

I don't know what was my "worst" relationship. About a third have been good, a third have been mediocre, a third have been truly awful.

 

The run-down of the Truly Awful relationships begins when I was 14 and started dating my first serious boyfiend (no spelling error there). He was 16 years old when we started dating and was already very well-versed in the art of nonphysical domestic violence. He did everything but hit me. He was dishonest, disloyal, manipulative, self-centered, demanding, critical, dismissive, insulting, and the like. He cheated on me repeatedly. He justified it all by blaming it on me. He told me endlessly that "our" relationship would be so much better if only I would try harder to "stop hurting him". Eventually I got sick of his bullshit and kissed another boy at summer camp. When the boyfiend found out about it he blew a gasket. It was the only time I truly thought he was going to beat me; I think the only thing that prevented him was that we were in a public place. From that point on I was required to recall every thought, word, deed, intent, and emotion that I'd ever had "against" him, and confess it to him so that he could completely "forgive" me. Which meant a blowup, an ass-reaming, stonewalling, and eventually sex, after I begged for him to talk to me again. He broke up with me a week after Valentine's Day. A week later he was with someone else. Every reason he gave for our breakup blamed me. For the next 2 years he stalked me, mostly with harrassing phone calls. None of the adults around me believed it was a problem, so did nothing to stop it.

 

This is something I've seen time and time again. It no joke when you hear that old line about the only thing evil needing to succeed...

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again... look at those around you a little closer. Don't just assume they are a-ok. They could be in pain... or causing pain. Assumptions kill.

 

(end of sermon)

 

And all this, at the tender young age of 14. I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I was in love with him, so I believed him.

 

I rebounded with a guy who ended up nonviolently raping me. That was a really weird situation and to this day I often don't know how to describe it. Strangely enough I don't hold the kid as responsible as I do my family, who took the opportunity to humiliate and punish me for "having sex". The kid himself wasn't really even in touch with reality, and he certainly didn't create the psychological state I was in. My parents and previous boyfiend did. It made me really intensely vulnerable to any kind of abuse.

 

That rape led to my converting to Xianity, since I was looking desperately for a way to have my fucked up family think I was "clean" again. I had a mother who was drunk most of the time, and alternated between being gushingly clingy and smothering, vs. ripping me a new asshole for not being absolutely fucking perfect. My dad simply didn't seem to give a shit whether I existed or not. My adolescent mind assumed they hated me, since they generally acted like it.

 

My first marriage was pretty awful too. I think I married to escape my family. I learned from that situation that neglect can be just as extreme and just as damaging as outright abuse. Spouse was extremely neglectful. We had no connection at all. I tried for nearly 4 years to get him to talk to me, listen to me, engage somehow. I tried singlehandedly to fix my marriage and failed. I'd explain to him things he could do to improve the marriage, and things I needed him to do in order to improve things, and he would refuse, because he "didn't find it useful" to do any of them. A few months before we split up, my father had a heart attack. When the spouse came home I was sitting in the family room, stunned, with the phone still in my hand. Spouse asked how my day was. I replied that my dad had a heart attack. "Oh," said the spouse. "Is he okay?" "Well, he's alive," I said. Spouse said, "Oh. That's good." Then he walked off and spent the rest of the evening on his computer.

 

I got no hug, no kiss, no concern, no empathy, no "ohmygosh, let me support you" or "let's go to the hospital right now"... I got nothing. That was typical of our marriage. By the end I was lucky if he'd even look up when I entered the room. I finally ended it after I put off an affair a friend wanted to have with me, and when I discussed the reality of our marriage with the spouse, I realized it wasn't worth it. The next day I moved out of the bedroom; within a week I filed for divorce; within the month I was fucking someone else. I just didn't give a shit anymore. The divorce was final the summer of 2000.

 

Speechless, gwenmead. I feel like I should make some sort of comment here, but the only thing that comes to mind is to give you a hug and say I'm glad you made it out.

 

Post-divorce I was a fuckbunny bigtime. I pretended at the time that I might be polyamorous, but the real truth was that I was so sick and tired of living for so long in utter emotional and physical deprivation that I just fucked everybody who was interested that year.

 

One of the dark blots on my relationship record comes from that time period. I ended up with an angry, violent pothead loser, who'd beaten his ex-wife (she left him in a classic DV escape scenario). I think I ended up with him because I was terrified of being alone; I needed someone to tell me the way the world was, who I was, what I wanted, and how I was feeling, and he was happy to take total control and do that. Close to the start of things I offered to let him crash at my house for a week or two because his roommate was moving and he didn't want to move with them; he ended up mooching off of me for 4 months. He hardly lifted a finger while he was there, and never paid a dime of rent or household expenses. When I asked for financial help, I got a whiny lecture about what a hardship it would be for him to contribute; when I asked for sex I got lectures about how he felt like a boytoy who was only being used for sex; and so on and so on... he was irritable and violent a lot of the time too. He was in many ways a replay of the first guy I was with when I was 14: just as angry, just as manipulative, demanding, and so on; only this time I knew enough to know that I was in danger and that his behavior wasn't really my fault. On a trip to Chicago he screamed at me for 3 hours about my audacity in hoping that we'd find a motel to stay at that had a pool - he ranted and raved, told me what a disappointment I was, what a spoiled brat I was, how I was ruining his trip and that he should never have invited me, that I was wrecking everything because I had standards and if he'd gone alone he would've been happier with less. For 3 hours, nonstop. Because I hoped we'd find a place with a pool, and we didn't. After that I realized he was crazy and I was terrified of him. I don't know how I managed to get him out of my house, but I did, and he never contacted me again.

 

After him I actually got some standards and stopped dicking around with utter losers. Except for Bible Boy, who flew in under my radar. I've posted about him elsewhere.

 

Because of the extent and depth of his deception, Bible Boy is the only ex I've got who I would actually consider truly evil. The pothead loser was a sociopath, but he at least made no efforts to hide who and what he really was. Neither did anybody else; at times I was either just too young, too inexperienced, or too naive to realize that anything was wrong. Bible Boy was a pathological liar, through and through; and when he was caught, he blamed me for "making" him lie, and showed no remorse whatsoever.

 

I have to say that most of what I've learned is really not healthy. I got some standards and I know now what I really want in a relationship and a partner, and I think I've got it in the current spouse. Still, my trust has been damaged beyond repair, both by the aforementioned relationships, and by the unhealthy parenting my family gave me.

 

So that's my sordid story. Sorry it's so long; thanks if you made it all the way through.

 

Made it to the end a couple times over, gwenmead. I'm taking your experiences to heart.

 

How do I say this? Your pain is not in vain. Not only did you learn something, get some of that oh-so-costly wisdom... someone else learned from it, too.

 

Let's see...

 

There was the Mormon guy who claimed he'd had a revelation from god that his purpose in life was to bring me back to the fold. That's why it was okay for us to have sex even though we weren't married. Because God had told him that I'd come back to the church so we could have a temple wedding, but he knew that I'd never marry someone I hadn't already had sex with. Of course, I didn't find out about all of this until I confronted him after discovering that he'd been poking holes in the condoms. He'd mentioned marriage a couple of times, and I pointed out that we'd only been dating a few months, and it was way too soon. So he was trying to get me pregnant so I'd have to marry him.

 

:eek:

 

That's chilling. Not to mention a disgustingly original line...

 

God comes in handy so many ways, doesn't he?

 

Or there was the guy who seemed fine most of the time, but we'd fight on a pretty regular basis. Every time we fought, we'd not speak for a few days, and then he'd apologize profusely and promise to change if only I'd take him back, then things would go right back to the way they'd been before after a few days. Eventually, after the umpteenth fight in two years, I refused to take him back and we had the fight to top all previous fights. It should have ended there, but pretty much all of our fights boiled down to him expecting me to roll over and do anything he wanted, and me actually having a mind of my own and telling him no when I didn't want to do something. So my refusing to take him back yet again pissed him right the hell off. Thus began the two years of stalking, breaking into my email accounts, posting as me on message boards, showing up at parties at my friends houses where he hadn't been invited, photoshopping my head onto pictures of naked women, and pretty much anything else he could think of to hurt me. It's been about three years now since we broke up, and he got married in that time, but it still hasn't really stopped. When he gets banned from chat rooms and message boards for threatening me, his wife uses her accounts to get in.

 

Lemmie get this straight - both the husband and the wife follow you?

 

Beyond all comprehension.

 

I've been lucky. Most of the people I've dated have been good people, just not right for me (or I wasn't right for them), but I've had a couple of nutcases.

 

My goodness, it sure sounds like it. I'm glad most have been positive for you.

 

Hugs to you all,

 

Merlin

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My first wife chased me until I gave in. We were happy for a while, then after our son was born, she ran off with the bass-player in my band, my supposed best-friend. What an asshole.

 

After that dark event, I met and married a beautiful woman. We were married for thirteen years, had two more children, and had what I thought was the picture-perfect marriage. Boy was I delusional. She dumped me while I was in the hospital (heart attack) on the night before my birthday, and ran off with my unemployed 18-year-old second cousin.

 

I'm living with someone now, but the word "marriage" will never again be in my vocabulary.

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I haven't had a relationship that ever went well. I am/was just too wrapped up in my own problems that I took it all out on the person that was around me. I was the heartless bitch! Now, I don't have relationships because I know/knew what I am/was. I am talking like this because I think that I have changed, but I still don't want a anyone in my life right now. I haven't evolved enough to feel comfortable with someone in my space. I am hoping that with my studies, I will be able to overcome that. First, I have to forgive myself then I can forgive others that treated my badly. We all have expectations and that is where the problem lies. If someone doesn't live up to those expectations, then we feel harmed somehow. It shouldn't be like this, IMO.

 

Merlin, I really luv ya and I don't have the answers but people are the way they are because of other things. Don't take things personally...it's just the way they are. What they do to you is a reflection on themselves...not on you.

 

It's posts like this that make me wish I had hours and hours to talk this out with you, sis. A long chat over coffee is really what I'd like. There's so much that could be said about this subject.

 

No matter what, though, I'm taking your words to heart. It's a reflection of them, not of me.

:kiss::10:

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Whew. Holy crap. Reading this thread is exhausting. But I'm glad you started it, Merlin. Unloading is always, always good. Especially if someone other than me learns something, as you indicate you have...

 

Man. Stalkers, abusers, mindfuckers... The world is full of 'em. How do they find us?

 

:huh:

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