My Marriage Is Dying A Slow Death

[CircesSong]

Hello, all. Thank you for listening to my story. 

 

I grew up in a family deeply entrenched in a cult-like sect of ultra-consertive Christianity. We're talking women don't wear pants and don't even think about speaking in church, rock music is evil, and go to an like-minded "college" to "find a man" and settle down for a long life of skirt-wearing baby-raising. The more baby-voiced, giggly, and non-thinking the woman, the more she was accepted and praised. 

 

I spent years at a college like this before somehow realizing it was a joke. But it didn't occur to me that the joke was Christianity, just the particular sect I was in. I made the bold at-that-time choice to leave the college and my home church, and began attending a more liberal-minded Christian church in town. I revered the new people I was around. In my sheltered mind, they were enlightened and intellectual, diving into Calvinist texts while sipping on good wine and puffing on cigars. 

 

I married a man from this church. I thought my life was golden from now on, surrounded by people who "got it". Oh, we were soo enlightened, so much smarter than all of the other Christians who were still limping along with their silly emotional views of people needing to come to Jesus for salvation. Didn't they know how OBVIOUS it is that God is 100% sovereign, damning billions to hell because he's so righteous? (insert eye roll).  

 

We went on to have many children and even adopted out of Christian obligation, ala Russell Moore "Adopted for Life" paradigm. (If I ever was in a room with Russell Moore, he might be a little scared with the smoke and fire blowing out of my nostrils at the outright stupidity he is pushing on innocent young Christian families caught up in the pressured, guilt-trip fervor with none of the preparation, support, and expertise needed to deal with institutionalized behavior). 

 

It was at this time, after seeking professional help for the severe problems the adoption introduced into my family, that I began to see the ineptitude of the Christian response to life's troubles. It was small-minded, shallow, impractical, infuriating, misguided, and wrong. The seed was planted in my mind.

 

My descent, or ascent depending on your view, into atheism began. It started with reading a few NT Wright books, where I was introduced to the model of evaluating the Bible critically and not taking the inerrancy model hook, line and sinker. That led me to Peter Enns, Rob Bell, Rachel Held Evans. I was stunned. At no time in my intellectual/academic life had I allowed myself to read/question the Biblical innerancy so drilled upon me in my youth (which is shocking considering I am a deep thinker and reader of thousands of books in my young life at that point). The brainwashing is so thick, so complete, that questioning it was like questioning gravity, or the sun, or the earth beneath my feet. Conservative Christianity just WAS. 

 

There I sat, mulling the new knowledge of the nature of these ancient, cobbled-together texts. I began voraciously reading Dawkins, Hitchens, Bart Ehrman, and Kenneth Daniels "Why I Believed: Reflections of a Former Missionary". Everything unravelled so quickly. It was just so…clear. Embarrasingly so. 

 

So, here I am. I  confessed to my husband a couple of years ago. He is is so deeply entrenched and rigid in his Christian beliefs that the sun would dissolve into dust before he would change his mind or be open to reading alternate views. When I told him, he was devastated but has since gone on to avoid the topic completely, so we have a huge, turbulent storm underneath a placid surface. Our children are young and my heart is broken at the thought of them learning the Christian doctrines of hell, inherent sin, etc. It makes my skin crawl and my heart sick to think of their precious young minds being told these terrible, barbaric ideas as fact. 

 

I'm living a double life. I'm forced because of the set up of our entire social network, schooling choice, family (everything/one is 100% die-hard Christian), to pretend at this point that I'm still a Christian. I feel so isolated and depressed about it. It is the saddest thing in the world to not be able to be open, true, and honest about who you are. I'm atheist at a cellular level now. If my family and social network knew, I would be shunned like I was wearing a scarlet A. You're in, or you're out. There is no waffling, no doubt, no questioning allowed. 

 

I'm so depressed at the thought of living the rest of my life in a marriage where we are so fundamentally different. There is almost no connection now because of this. Sitting in school sessions, events and extracurricular Christian activities is becoming increasingly difficult. It is all so divisive and small-minded, even though the people themselves are kind and good, generally. My children are academically driven, and I want to immerse them in a robust scientific life, but breathing the thought of evolution would most likely get my children and myself KICKED OUT of their academic institution. My husband would flip if I taught the kids evolution as fact. How can I move forward in teaching them the truth of the world when I'm stuck in this situation?

 

I find myself drawn to secular Buddhism and mediation, as the thoughtful processes of evaluating humanity and daily decisions is in keeping with what seems to be a kind, peaceful way to move in relationship with others and the earth. The more I read nonreligious Buddhist books, the more ridiculous and sad Christianity seems. 

 

I feel like my marriage is doomed. Perhaps worse than divorce is the promise of living out my life in emotional and intellectual loneliness. His general thought process is that I went into the marriage and made my vows to him as a Christian, and it is my obligation to continue to be a Christian because otherwise he would've never married me. 

 

Thank for your reading, and for your kind replies. I'm looking for any advice anyone has in navigating these waters. 

 

 

 

[whitehot]

Thanks for sharing. That is SO hard I can't even imagine how it must feel to be so torn between two worlds - the one your circumstances dictate and the one you truly align with.

I'm not sure if this will mean anything to you, but it's the best thought I can give, having not been in your situation myself, but as woman who has grown up with Christian beliefs and stepped away from the people who held me in them. My thought is that it's such a common thread throughout history that women shrink in order to accommodate everyone else. As Christians we are taught to please our fathers and husbands and everyone else who comes into our paths at the expense of ourselves. The self-sacrifice paradigm. It's so common for women to deny themselves in order to keep the peace and make others' lives easier. If we don't, we feel selfish, feel guilty. Ask yourself what your husband would do if the situation was reversed. Would he shrink to accommodate your faith, or proclaim his own beliefs and make them dominate your family?

In my culture (good old secular Australia) hardcore Christianity is uncommon, so it's actually usually the devout who remain in the closet a lot of the time. I don't know if that helps with perspective - I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are not the oddball; rather, they are a large group of oddballs.

I wish you all the best with this incredibly challenging hand you've been dealt. I hope that whatever happens, you play the hand and it doesn't play you.

Much love!

[★ Citsonga ★]

Greetings, and welcome! Thanks for sharing your story.

 

Kenneth Daniels "Why I Believed: Reflections of a Former Missionary"

 

Great book!

 

I'm so depressed at the thought of living the rest of my life in a marriage where we are so fundamentally different. There is almost no connection now because of this. Sitting in school sessions, events and extracurricular Christian activities is becoming increasingly difficult. It is all so divisive and small-minded, even though the people themselves are kind and good, generally. My children are academically driven, and I want to immerse them in a robust scientific life, but breathing the thought of evolution would most likely get my children and myself KICKED OUT of their academic institution. My husband would flip if I taught the kids evolution as fact. How can I move forward in teaching them the truth of the world when I'm stuck in this situation?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your depression and struggles. That's got to be rough. I guess I'm fortunate in that my wife, though still a believer, still respects and values me, and our children are in public school. I can't imagine how frustrating your situation must be.

 

I feel like my marriage is doomed. Perhaps worse than divorce is the promise of living out my life in emotional and intellectual loneliness. His general thought process is that I went into the marriage and made my vows to him as a Christian, and it is my obligation to continue to be a Christian because otherwise he would've never married me. 

 

This is what I really wanted to address. That is extremely shallow of your husband. I can understand the sentiment that he wouldn't have married a nonbeliever, but the reality is that many people change over time, so trying to restrain you into what you used to be is impractical and childish. You had no way of knowing when you exchanged vows that you would eventually discover that you had been fed a bunch of lies that distorted reality. You didn't sign up for that any more than he did, so it's not fair for him to try to put a guilt trip on you. All you did was follow the evidence where it led, which indicates that you actually care about truth and integrity.

 

Good luck as you work through this situation. I don't have any great advice to impart, but hopefully in time things will improve. I sincerely wish you the best.

[Geezer]

I wouldn't presume to give you any advice because your situation is too serious & I'm not qualified. When you read the de-conversion stories here you will see that leaving Christianity often has serious consequences. I am convinced Xianity is a cult & leaving any cult is difficult and often includes serious problems in the life of the person that is leaving.

 

Your marriage may not survive but that might be a good thing in the long run. I suggest you seek out some professional help to get you through this period in your life. One way or the other it will get better with the passing of time.

 

Glad you found this site. You will find likeminded folks here with similar experiences.

[ConsiderTheSource]

Don't allow your husband, or anyone else  any measure of control.  Don't fall to false moral arguments.  You are seeing the world and everyone around you in "real time" now.  You are thinking far more rationally and fairly then those who surround you.  You are in a far better place to make the best decisions for yourself, your children, and those you care about. Ceding your autonomy without it being a fully reasoned and thought out decision by YOU is likely to lead to less than desirable results. 

 

Yes, it is lonely.  Yes, it is initially a bit scary.  But, it is better this way for you and those you care about.  

[Ronna]

I would like to second everything whitehot wrote.  Ultra conservative Christianity set me up to stay in a miserable marriage for 22 years and while I was no longer a christian, I didn't realize how entrenched the mindset was in my own head.  Here's the thing:  you know who you are now and that is a gift.  Everyone says divorce is bad for kids but so is having miserable parents.  The storm beneath the surface will cause them emotional damage because they can FEEL it but cannot name it.  Life is long and you owe it to yourself to live a full one, a life that is truly yours and genuine.  It will not be easy to leave.  You will lose people, community and support. The life you want is something you will have to fight for.  I am not telling you it will be easy, but it will be worth it.  Please keep telling your story here; the community and support available in this group helps a lot.

[Blood]

I'm amazed that you were able to make this intellectual breakthrough entirely on your own despite, as you said, massive brainwashing from church for over two decades. 

 

I'm also glad that you realized the folly of one form of Christianity being superior to another form. All forms of it are false. 

 

So, first of all, congratulate yourself on your intellect, curiosity, and courage. Most people simply switch their brain to auto-pilot when they are confronted with information contrary to their deeply-programmed religious beliefs. 

 

I'm glad you found this place so you can use us as an outlet for your grief. Many people here have been through a similar situation and can give you advice and sympathy. 

 

I think that the reality is that you are going to have to separate from your husband, and you might as well start now rather than continue to live a lie to your family and friends. If they don't support you emotionally, and most of them won't, then the only consolation is that they really weren't your friends. They put the cult and group-think above the individual. Individuality is a threat to all cults/religions. 

 

There will be rough times ahead but you've already started forging a path to living an honest life. Use this as a source of pride to shield you from depression or regret.

 

Buddhism is not a solution; however, it is far more philosophically satisfying than Christianity. But just about anything is. 

 

Christianity is a lie -- probably the most massive deception the human race ever played on itself. You made the correct decision. Keep telling yourself that, every day. 

[Wizened Sage]

"Our children are young and my heart is broken at the thought of them learning the Christian doctrines of hell, inherent sin, etc. It makes my skin crawl and my heart sick to think of their precious young minds being told these terrible, barbaric ideas as fact. "

 

There you go. I think you have an answer. For the sake of your children you need to tell your husband - and stick to it - that you simply don't believe the Christian story anymore, and you're not going to let anyone indoctrinate them without hearing your side of the story. What kind of parent would you be otherwise? When these absurd Christian claims are raised to your kids, you need to tell them, "Not everyone believes this stuff, and no one in the world can prove any of it is true. No one!"

 

Believe it or not, but you have the advantage when it comes to educating your kids because common sense is on your side. And, given half a chance, if you speak up early and often, the kids will quickly realize this. Throughout my married life my wife was a liberal believer while I was agnostic or atheist. As the kids were growing up, I never claimed to them that I had all the answers, I merely encouraged them to be skeptical of all religious claims, pointing out to them that there are many religions because none of their adherents can actually prove any of their claims. You might have to remind your husband of this, too, once in a while. Faith is merely a word to describe the act of taking someone else's word for things no one can prove. (Incidentally, my children all grew up to be atheists.)

 

Your marriage can survive this, if you stand your ground. Point out to him that you aren't insisting that he believe what you believe, so why should you have to believe what he does? You are an intelligent grownup, not a child. Ask your husband, "If you're a Republican, and I see the world differently, do I have to pretend to be one too? It's the same with religion. I can't make myself believe things that don't make sense to me."

 

In short, you must insist on having a voice in this discussion. In this country we all have rights. Best of luck to you.

 

P.S. You might consider asking him for an evening's discussion so you can explain to him why you don't believe the Christian story anymore. It doesn't need to be an argument, just your explanation. He is still free to believe whatever makes sense to him. Notice I didn't say he can CHOOSE to believe whatever he wants. None of us chooses what to believe, we merely believe what makes sense to us. And this needs to be pointed out to him. If he can't PROVE the Christian story is true, then your grounds for believing what you do are at least as good as his.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

I didn't experience the Calvinist part of the church much, so I don't know if they emphasize "spiritual warfare" like the other side. But I've seen pastors counsel people that the devil is trying to gain a foothold in your house and in your children (using fear to spook the believing mate into divorcing and seeking sole custody). Something to be aware of when coming out. It isn't a fair fight, and pastors especially will stop at nothing to protect their (income stream) flock.

 

Asking the kids questions about why they believe is important. Show from the scriptures the petulant attitude of god, how he set them up in the garden and then blamed them, the silly talking animal myths, all the things that point to the stories not being true that believers are taught to overlook. The fear filter is strong with believers, as we all know well. I had to do some mental/emotional acrobatics to ignore reality while embracing the myths, but it all seemed to work and seemed so deep at the time. I was not able to see through it until I faced the reality of lies from a trusted pastor about the power of god, and had legitimate questions that were only met with divine silence. All believers, including your children (and husband), have questions that they have pushed aside for the sake of fitting in with the group. Community is a very powerful human desire, especially when it is seen as having the right answers to life and god.

[CircesSong]

Thank you, all. I've read each of your replies multiple times and they've each been very encouraging and insightful.

 

Specifically, I'm hearing that I need to feel empowered to be open, honest, and free with who I am and let the chips fall. Right now I'm in hiding, feeling thick shame inwardly for what feels like "betraying" my husband.

 

I think I'll write a clear letter to him explaining my change of views and that it is reasoned and logical. I know he feels a lot of fear and is very scared that I'll leave him for someone "I can relate with".

[Blindsighted]

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/rolltodisbelieve/2013/10/19/the-unequally-yoked-club-when-promises-must-be-broken/

 

I read this woman's blog. This is an older post that you may find helpful.

[CircesSong]

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/rolltodisbelieve/2013/10/19/the-unequally-yoked-club-when-promises-must-be-broken/

I read this woman's blog. This is an older post that you may find helpful.

Thanks. Her analogy re: broken promises is very apropos. Helpful to me as I feel like the "guilty" one in the situation.

[nightflighter]

Hi, CS! Much like you, I have "a foot in two camps" concerning family. My children are grown and now moved away, and I'm currently going through a divorce. After that is over, I'm planning on "outting" myself, as I don't want to have to pretend anymore. I hate the fact now that I tried to keep my family "rightous", when, in retrospect, I was just following the herd. 

[midniterider]

Circes Song: Perhaps worse than divorce is the promise of living out my life in emotional and intellectual loneliness.

 

Then maybe divorce is right for you. It's a major life change, sure. But my children survived it. I survived it. The ex survived it. People get divorced and meet new people and start new lives all the time. My wife calls the first marriage the 'starter' marriage, in jest . 

 

There is no need to live out your life in emotional and intellectual loneliness. 

[GuyGone]

Here's an option.  You'll have to decide whether it is right.  Suggest to your husband that like Paul, Thomas, Elijah, Moses, the Centurion, the Capernaum official in John 4, and the woman at the well (among others) you need more than just words and ideas to be able to believe.  You need God to be real.  So if he wants you to share his faith, ask him to pray that God will reveal himself to you in an unambiguous, clear, and definite way.  If God wills for you to believe, as I'm sure your church teaches, then God should provide an open door that makes belief possible.

 

That might take some of the contention out of the difference in beliefs.  Let's face it: if God really did come through with something clearly supernatural, you would probably change your mind, right? This approach might make your husband an ally instead of an enemy.  And if he prays and nothing happens, maybe that will start him thinking about it.

 

Maybe, if he would agree with it, suggest that when questions come up on which you differ that you tell the kids that some people believe in God and other people have doubts, and right now you have doubts.  If he suggests that you lie and pretend that you still believe, you could point out that this would be teaching the kids to lie.  Because eventually they will find out.  And point out that neither of you can believe for the kids, they have to believe (or not believe) for themselves.

 

As far as teaching the kids, maybe you could find books or other material that teaches general principles that are biblical.  As I said over on my "why did you leave" post, the Bible wasn't written by idiots.  When Paul told the church to be slow to anger and quick to forgive, that was good advice even for an atheist.  As a pastor, I counseled with people who could not let go of bitterness or anger, and it does not lead to a happy, stress-free life.  So maybe you can instruct the kids in the life principles that you and your husband can agree on; there are a lot of them in the book of Proverbs and in Paul's instructions to the churches.  There are books that teach these principles without overt religious references.  There isn't any reason to avoid teaching those things just because your husband wants them taught to the kids (if you are avoiding teaching the kids things that are good for them to learn just to spite your husband, there are deeper issues).

 

Maybe you end up divorced.  But don't do it because of an emotional reaction, do it because the two of you agree that you simply can't make it work like this.  What I'm thinking is that maybe you can make the process less volatile if you find the areas you can cooperate on and agree to disagree on the others.  In his view, you may be headed for hell.  But that doesn't necessarily mean you can't be reasonable, decent, and respectful to each other, if he's willing to do so.  Don't be condescending or dismissive of his beliefs, and don't accept condescension or dismissal about yours.

 

My wife still believes, and letting her read the book I wrote was very hard because I didn't know how she would react.  I still go to church with her and we still get along.  Our relationship, while often revolving around church activities, was not based on that. So we've survived.

 

Hope that's helpful in some way.

[Blood]

Thank you, all. I've read each of your replies multiple times and they've each been very encouraging and insightful.

 

Specifically, I'm hearing that I need to feel empowered to be open, honest, and free with who I am and let the chips fall. Right now I'm in hiding, feeling thick shame inwardly for what feels like "betraying" my husband.

 

 

I think you need to also start building some philosophical defenses for your position, if you haven't already. You are going to be confronted with Pascals Wager innumerable times, so best be prepared and have some counter-arguments ready. Which is not hard to do when you think logically. 

 

You could start by actually reading the source of this argument, Pascal's Pansees, which is actually a pretty good book and worth reading on its' own merits. When they bring in the Wager, and your retort begins, "Do you even know where that argument comes from? Have you even read Pascal's Pansees?," you've already humiliated your detractor, because the answer 100% of the time will be NO. 

 

"Pascal's Wager" is actually very old and pre-dates Christianity. Plato uses the same argument in one of his dialogues, probably the source for Pascal. 

 

If I were you, I wouldn't reference Dawkins or any of the "new atheists" in your defenses. You might want to use some of their arguments, but I wouldn't let your detractors know where you got them from, because they will then dismiss them as trendy. 

 

I actually think that Dawkins, Hitchens, and Harris's arguments against the Bible are, for the most part, rather shallow, because like most atheists, they never spent time with the Bible or Biblical scholarship, and don't even understand how poor the Biblicists' positions actually are. So they make rather tired arguments that people have been making since at least Voltaire's time. They only sound cutting edge because of the insanely overblown influence Christianity has on our society. 

 

Since you were completely steeped in Biblicism for decades, you are actually in a better position than these world-famous intellectuals in arguing against the Bible. 

[Ronna]

Thank you, all. I've read each of your replies multiple times and they've each been very encouraging and insightful.

 

Specifically, I'm hearing that I need to feel empowered to be open, honest, and free with who I am and let the chips fall. Right now I'm in hiding, feeling thick shame inwardly for what feels like "betraying" my husband.

 

I think I'll write a clear letter to him explaining my change of views and that it is reasoned and logical. I know he feels a lot of fear and is very scared that I'll leave him for someone "I can relate with".

Writing it out is a great idea, whether you give him the letter or not.  Good luck to you.  I feel for ya.

[GuyGone]

Just don't try to argue him around to your point of view.  People rarely (if ever) change their faith because they lost an argument.  But you can explain and demonstrate that you are as committed to a (mutual) relationship as he is.

[VAmountaineer]

CircesSong, I can relate to those guilty feelings. I married as a believer and subsequently lost my faith. My wife has accepted this change, but it is still hard to not have a sense of "letting her down." I want to reiterate what a lot of the others on here say: People change, and you can't force yourself to believe something that doesn't make sense. You're not obligated to feign faith, and faith isn't required for you to be a positive moral role model for your kids.. My main concern for you is your isolation. It might be wise to find a professional, non-Christian therapist to walk with you during this stage of life. You need someone "in your corner" regardless of what happens in your marriage.

[VAmountaineer]

I also want to echo GuyGone's advice to make an effort to show your husband that you're still committed to living a moral, value-based life.

[searchinwithnoagenda]

Lots of good advise. The thing that jumps off the page at me is how comical it is when xtians claim persecution yet they have nearly the entirety of society under their thumb. I would only add for your consideration if you have not already considered it; rather than speaking *at* him (not that you would do so) speak *with* him, genuinely openly questioning certain claims and then walking through how you resolved them. My thoughts are free and worth every penny. Best wishes and keep us posted.

[CircesSong]

 

But that doesn't necessarily mean you can't be reasonable, decent, and respectful to each other, if he's willing to do so.  Don't be condescending or dismissive of his beliefs, and don't accept condescension or dismissal about yours.

 

 

 

Very true. He is scared that I will be permanently dismissive and condescending of his beliefs and believe myself much more "enlightened, intellectual", etc. He has a valid point as I do think the Christian views are inferior, obviously. But I need to learn to still show respect. 

[GuyGone]

My experience with counseling couples is that when one or both of them starts demonstrating contempt or condescension, it's hard to pull back.

 

Ask yourself if he is someone you could be married to if religion wasn't an issue.  Is he a good  husband/partner/dad/whatever?  Is he willing to make it work even though you have different beliefs?  If so, then go with that.

 

I commented in another post elsewhere that sometimes when people lose their faith, they become like the ex-smoker who wants to belittle and convert everyone.  You see comments from new atheists that all church leadership is just into control or that all Christians are less intelligent than all the atheists.  But there are a lot of sincere, devout pastors who believe what they are preaching.  There are a lot of very intelligent Christians - engineers, doctors, etc.   They aren't stupid, they just haven't ever had to confront their faith in a way that really challenged it.  As I've said elsewhere, it's like believing in bigfoot.  If your belief in bigfoot doesn't lead you to making stupid or harmful decisions, then it's a harmless belief.

[Akheia]

Hey, CircesSong, I just wanted to say - I'm sorry you're going through this. Someone tipped me off elsenet that you were here and my heart just went out to you when I read your post. You're not alone. I'm the one who wrote the Promises post mentioned earlier and I still totally feel the way I wrote about a couple of years ago. I don't have specific advice beyond to proceed carefully, which it sounds like you're already dedicated to doing. Your situation is very serious and I agree with the earlier poster who thinks you could benefit from a secular counselor, whether or not your husband wishes to go with you -- but I do want to gently add to the excellent folks here that if you just muscle through this period and keep your head high and your feet on the high road, it will work out one way or the other. It always does. It hurts like hell along the way though.

 

Only the person directly involved can know where their line is, and sometimes someone might choose to pay a price that others wouldn't pay, or balk at paying one that others would. It's your life, and your finite time on the planet: do what you think best. It can be scary at first but you've got a lot of company. Best wishes... and congrats on this heady new period of discovery!  

[sdelsolray]

Hello, all. Thank you for listening to my story. 

 

I grew up in a family deeply entrenched in a cult-like sect of ultra-consertive Christianity. We're talking women don't wear pants and don't even think about speaking in church, rock music is evil, and go to an like-minded "college" to "find a man" and settle down for a long life of skirt-wearing baby-raising. The more baby-voiced, giggly, and non-thinking the woman, the more she was accepted and praised. 

 

I spent years at a college like this before somehow realizing it was a joke. But it didn't occur to me that the joke was Christianity, just the particular sect I was in. I made the bold at-that-time choice to leave the college and my home church, and began attending a more liberal-minded Christian church in town. I revered the new people I was around. In my sheltered mind, they were enlightened and intellectual, diving into Calvinist texts while sipping on good wine and puffing on cigars. 

 

I married a man from this church. I thought my life was golden from now on, surrounded by people who "got it". Oh, we were soo enlightened, so much smarter than all of the other Christians who were still limping along with their silly emotional views of people needing to come to Jesus for salvation. Didn't they know how OBVIOUS it is that God is 100% sovereign, damning billions to hell because he's so righteous? (insert eye roll).  

 

We went on to have many children and even adopted out of Christian obligation, ala Russell Moore "Adopted for Life" paradigm. (If I ever was in a room with Russell Moore, he might be a little scared with the smoke and fire blowing out of my nostrils at the outright stupidity he is pushing on innocent young Christian families caught up in the pressured, guilt-trip fervor with none of the preparation, support, and expertise needed to deal with institutionalized behavior). 

 

It was at this time, after seeking professional help for the severe problems the adoption introduced into my family, that I began to see the ineptitude of the Christian response to life's troubles. It was small-minded, shallow, impractical, infuriating, misguided, and wrong. The seed was planted in my mind.

 

My descent, or ascent depending on your view, into atheism began. It started with reading a few NT Wright books, where I was introduced to the model of evaluating the Bible critically and not taking the inerrancy model hook, line and sinker. That led me to Peter Enns, Rob Bell, Rachel Held Evans. I was stunned. At no time in my intellectual/academic life had I allowed myself to read/question the Biblical innerancy so drilled upon me in my youth (which is shocking considering I am a deep thinker and reader of thousands of books in my young life at that point). The brainwashing is so thick, so complete, that questioning it was like questioning gravity, or the sun, or the earth beneath my feet. Conservative Christianity just WAS. 

 

There I sat, mulling the new knowledge of the nature of these ancient, cobbled-together texts. I began voraciously reading Dawkins, Hitchens, Bart Ehrman, and Kenneth Daniels "Why I Believed: Reflections of a Former Missionary". Everything unravelled so quickly. It was just so…clear. Embarrasingly so. 

 

So, here I am. I  confessed to my husband a couple of years ago. He is is so deeply entrenched and rigid in his Christian beliefs that the sun would dissolve into dust before he would change his mind or be open to reading alternate views. When I told him, he was devastated but has since gone on to avoid the topic completely, so we have a huge, turbulent storm underneath a placid surface. Our children are young and my heart is broken at the thought of them learning the Christian doctrines of hell, inherent sin, etc. It makes my skin crawl and my heart sick to think of their precious young minds being told these terrible, barbaric ideas as fact. 

 

I'm living a double life. I'm forced because of the set up of our entire social network, schooling choice, family (everything/one is 100% die-hard Christian), to pretend at this point that I'm still a Christian. I feel so isolated and depressed about it. It is the saddest thing in the world to not be able to be open, true, and honest about who you are. I'm atheist at a cellular level now. If my family and social network knew, I would be shunned like I was wearing a scarlet A. You're in, or you're out. There is no waffling, no doubt, no questioning allowed. 

 

I'm so depressed at the thought of living the rest of my life in a marriage where we are so fundamentally different. There is almost no connection now because of this. Sitting in school sessions, events and extracurricular Christian activities is becoming increasingly difficult. It is all so divisive and small-minded, even though the people themselves are kind and good, generally. My children are academically driven, and I want to immerse them in a robust scientific life, but breathing the thought of evolution would most likely get my children and myself KICKED OUT of their academic institution. My husband would flip if I taught the kids evolution as fact. How can I move forward in teaching them the truth of the world when I'm stuck in this situation?

 

I find myself drawn to secular Buddhism and mediation, as the thoughtful processes of evaluating humanity and daily decisions is in keeping with what seems to be a kind, peaceful way to move in relationship with others and the earth. The more I read nonreligious Buddhist books, the more ridiculous and sad Christianity seems. 

 

I feel like my marriage is doomed. Perhaps worse than divorce is the promise of living out my life in emotional and intellectual loneliness. His general thought process is that I went into the marriage and made my vows to him as a Christian, and it is my obligation to continue to be a Christian because otherwise he would've never married me. 

 

Thank for your reading, and for your kind replies. I'm looking for any advice anyone has in navigating these waters. 

 

 

Your story is quite moving.  A possible solution would involve getting a good secular therapist, an excellent lawyer and a job.  Although great change is likely in your future, you (and your children) will be better the sooner you escape the religious nonsense and influence.