Jump to content
Goodbye Jesus

My Story


TABA

Recommended Posts

  • Moderator

Thanks for letting me share my story. Although I don't expect replies, comments would still be appreciated.

 

As I entered my fifties, much too late in life, I finally stopped suspending the disbelief that had always been present to some extent.  Although still somewhat leery of the 'A' word, I realize that I am essentially an Atheist, technically I guess an Agnostic Atheist.  I feel a sense of relief, of joy even, but my path ahead looks less than smooth.

 

I was raised - indoctinated - in a devout Catholic but loving home. By my mid-teens, I was dealing with the guilt (not true guilt or shame of having done harm, but the religious guilt of having broken the law) associated with sex. Instead of rebelling, I meekly went along, for a while.  By my twenties, out on my own, I was no longer a practicing Catholic, and gave little thought to religion. Then as I approached 30, my dormant curiosity about the Bible, combined with the loneliness of moving to a city where I knew nobody, led me to start visiting a conservative Christian church.  I think the novelty of Bible study, and the friendliness and hospitality of the folks there, drew me in.  Although there were voices of doubt in my mind, I was soon baptized and gradually silenced my doubts.  Yet the doubts were still in place, and subconsciously kept me from ever being 'on fire' for the Lord.  I remember thinking sometimes that I was one of those dreaded lukewarm Christians, who showed no sign of ever bringing anyone else to Christ.  I didn't because, deep down, I never felt that anyone was really 'Lost' without Jesus.  I had a good number of irreligious friends (thankfully!) and couldn't accept these good people were hell bound. In fact the doctrines of Hell, Satan and life after death were  always hard for me to accept, even while believing in a loving God - or maybe BECAUSE I believed in a loving God.

 

A few years later, I met my wife at church. She was also, by coincidence, a former Catholic, and also a somewhat relaxed (though rarely doubting) Christian. During the years that followed, I would say I was on auto-pilot, neither fully embracing nor seriously questioning Christianity.  For whatever reason, in my late forties I suddenly started listening to my doubts.  I started (very privately) reading Dawkins, Hitchens and others, and I began to look at faith more and more through the eyes of a skeptic.  I read books on both sides, Christian apologetics and skeptics alike.  I found the skeptics constantly winning the arguments. I finally realized I was seriously doubting the foundations of Christianity, and soon accepted that I no longer believed in any meaningful god whatever.  

 

Around this time, my wife (who was unaware of my vanishing faith) began to feel restless at our church, and wanted to start going to a Catholic church after many years away.  I welcomed the chance to make a break with a situation where everybody around me was convinced I was a Godly man. The relative anonymity of the Catholic church was welcome.  In the past year or so, I began gently introducing my wife to my doubts.  Although the term 'Atheist' might be a bridge too far, the word 'Agnostic' has been briefly mentioned, without too much obvious distress on her part. So at least my secret is somewhat out. I think she has doubts of her own, but unlike me, who does not find a godless life scary, she seems 'wired' to be a believer. And she probably prays that I will turn away from Satan before it is too late... I love my wife deeply, and we have always been best friends as well as a couple of Christians.  As exciting as I find free-thinking and godlessness, her happiness mans more to me than my intellectual journey. I sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be better to feign a vague theism or even a liberal version of Christianity for her sake, even while being confident in my inner atheism.

 

So there it is.  Writing this down and sharing it is important for me, even though I wish I could be truly public with my unbelief. But it's not just about me. Some of you may think I'm a coward, and maybe you're right. I regret my years of belief. I'm at least glad I didn't recruit anyone else to faith in a fiction. I am not an angry ex-believer. Those who influenced me to believe were mostly good and sincere people. If I blame anybody, it's myself for ignoring my doubts for so long. If the New Atheists and the Internet had been around in my college days, I would probably have embraced a secular life early on. Still, as long as it took, and whatever challenges lie ahead, I am happy to finally be an ex-Christian.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It took me years to out myself as a non believer. I just didn't talk about it with my family. Just ask your wife questions, like how could a loving "god" allow even one of "his" children to suffer eternal punishment?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're in safe hands here, no one would dare call you a coward. A lot of us have been where you are or are in the same boat- I love my parents deeply and even though I'm a devout Atheist I'll go to my grave with them thinking I'm a Christian, because I love them and I don't want them thinking I'm going to hell.

 

"I remember thinking sometimes that I was one of those dreaded lukewarm Christians, who showed no sign of ever bringing anyone else to Christ."

 

It's hard to convince people out of their beliefs, probably impossible unless they were already to abandon them for something else. (But really how often does that happen?) I never had much success converting people either. Usually I was met with an embarrassing, awkward conversation...looking back I suspect people inflate their numbers, or people faked conversions to keep the peace, etc. Of course you and I had to deal with the guilt of being ineffectual.

 

"If the New Atheists and the Internet had been around in my college days, I would probably have embraced a secular life early on."

 

I think the internet has dismantled a lot of faiths.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome!  I'm in my 50's also, and always had questions about the bible and xianity.  Having the internet back when we were younger certainly would have speeded this process up! 

 

I'm lucky in that I have no family members to try to pull me back into anything.  My parents, who were as far as I know agnostic, have been dead a long time.  My ex-husband was atheist, my adult kids aren't believers, and my current husband believes in a very vague way but doesn't attend church so it's no issue.

 

One of the nice things about not believing in a deity is that there are no rules, nothing we HAVE to do or be punished.  If you don't want to go public with your non-belief you don't have to.  It's not like we evangelize!

 

I generally don't discuss religion at all, outside of this website.  It's just not relevant to me any more.  However, it is very nice knowing now that I don't believe.  My questions have been answered to my satisfaction, and that is a very relaxing thing.  :D

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, your story sounds so similar to mine. I became a Catholic as an adult after being raised in an atheist home and then left the Catholic church, went to Protestant church, enjoyed bible study....etc..and now I am finally here too. I even did the reading Dawkins quietly on the side..lol... glad you are here.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator

It took me years to out myself as a non believer. I just didn't talk about it with my family. Just ask your wife questions, like how could a loving "god" allow even one of "his" children to suffer eternal punishment?

 

qadeshet, thanks for the comment!  I think the kind of question you suggest makes sense and will in time help my wife come to terms with my unbelief, as well as helping her start to see some of the basic flaws in Christianity.

 

 

You're in safe hands here, no one would dare call you a coward. A lot of us have been where you are or are in the same boat- I love my parents deeply and even though I'm a devout Atheist I'll go to my grave with them thinking I'm a Christian, because I love them and I don't want them thinking I'm going to hell.

 

"I remember thinking sometimes that I was one of those dreaded lukewarm Christians, who showed no sign of ever bringing anyone else to Christ."

 

It's hard to convince people out of their beliefs, probably impossible unless they were already to abandon them for something else. (But really how often does that happen?) I never had much success converting people either. Usually I was met with an embarrassing, awkward conversation...looking back I suspect people inflate their numbers, or people faked conversions to keep the peace, etc. Of course you and I had to deal with the guilt of being ineffectual.

 

"If the New Atheists and the Internet had been around in my college days, I would probably have embraced a secular life early on."

 

I think the internet has dismantled a lot of faiths.

 

KaySutt, I appreciate your support!  It feels so good to be able to express my unbelief even in this limited way.  Now that the spell of religion has lost its grip on my mind, I feel more fully alive and human than ever before.

 

 

Welcome!  I'm in my 50's also, and always had questions about the bible and xianity.  Having the internet back when we were younger certainly would have speeded this process up! 

 

I'm lucky in that I have no family members to try to pull me back into anything.  My parents, who were as far as I know agnostic, have been dead a long time.  My ex-husband was atheist, my adult kids aren't believers, and my current husband believes in a very vague way but doesn't attend church so it's no issue.

 

One of the nice things about not believing in a deity is that there are no rules, nothing we HAVE to do or be punished.  If you don't want to go public with your non-belief you don't have to.  It's not like we evangelize!

 

I generally don't discuss religion at all, outside of this website.  It's just not relevant to me any more.  However, it is very nice knowing now that I don't believe.  My questions have been answered to my satisfaction, and that is a very relaxing thing.  biggrin.png

 

amateur, thanks for the welcome!  I wish I could be as open with my unbelief as you are, but I am still thankful for the freedom I feel in no longer having to ignore or fight against evidence in order to protect my faith.  Letting go is such a relief!

 

 

Hi, your story sounds so similar to mine. I became a Catholic as an adult after being raised in an atheist home and then left the Catholic church, went to Protestant church, enjoyed bible study....etc..and now I am finally here too. I even did the reading Dawkins quietly on the side..lol... glad you are here.

 

Thanks born1ce for the welcome.  So good to be able to share my deconversion with fellow apostates!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I broke away, finally, completely, in my early 50s.  Biggest regret:  All of those young years not fully living life to its fullest.  And, of course, all of the false guilt and anxiety...which has completely disappeared.  Life now is so good.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I left Xianity late in life too & I'm not militant about it either. My wife is still a believer but we were able to work out a compromise. I have a problem with Xian fundamentalist but I can tolerate liberal versions of Xianity.

 

She left the fundy church we were attending & joined the Methodist Church & I Agreed to go with her. There is a big difference between liberal & fundamentalist versions of Xianity.

 

The Methodist are kind of like a social club with a religious theme. I've met a lot of nice people who are nothing like the religious fruit cakes that are common in fundy churches. I'm still not into church but I can tolerate the Methodist version of Xianity. It works for us, but it wouldn't work for everybody.

 

Oh yeah, welcome aboard. I'm glad you found us.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator

Thanks for the welcome, Geezer! It's great to have this place where we can say what we think. Having a spouse/partner who believes is certainly a challenge. The Bible is a very big part of my wife's worldview, and she goes to a weekly Bible study with a group that I would call conservative but loving. I'm sure they focus on the Loving God but steer clear of the Genocidal God. While she hasn't yet grasped how fully I have broken with Christianity, she says she feels able to voice her thoughts (and mild doubts) with me, in a way that she couldn't with those ladies. This gives me hope that she will transition to a liberal version of Christianity (like your wife's) in time, a version that doesn't require her husband to go to Hell. I don't see her ever leaving Christianity completely, but we take what we can get, especially if her happiness depends on having some religious belief.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for sharing your story. The best Christians I've seen are those who are quietly behind the scenes living out their faith by serving others. They are the only people I miss in the church world.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for sharing your story. The best Christians I've seen are those who are quietly behind the scenes living out their faith by serving others. They are the only people I miss in the church world.

 

 

I suspect you will find that there are many humans who quietly serve others regardless of religion.  Christianity does not have a patent, trademark or copyright on such behavior.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator

The other day one of my new ex-Xtian friends mentioned that he had always felt like a square peg in a round hole when he was in the church. Bingo!! Even though it's such a common term, I'd never thought of my religious experience that way, but it describes me well. I'm pretty sure I would never have become religious if I hadn't been raised/indoctrinated in the church. I'm an engineer by profession and I don't really have a religious mind, so to speak. My baptism was the culmination of an interest in the Bible that really was more intellectual than spiritual. I'm kicking myself because I didn't have enough confidence in my skepticism back then. I had resisted conversion attempts from friends before and I came SO close to avoiding the two decades of group-think that followed!

I know that deconverting can be very painful for some, whether because of anguish from friends or family or maybe mourning the loss of God and Heaven. It has not been painful for me because I was never really all-in. In fact I was probably what Craig Groeschel calls the Christian Atheist (in his book of that name). Now I feel exhilarated by acknowledging - at least in private and with my fellow apostates here, that I DON'T believe. It's an amazing release! It's not all easy though: I worry about my marriage as my wife increasingly realizes how done I am with religious belief. I think we have a good chance of coming out the other side OK.

Once our minds break out of that box we can't go back even if we wanted to, right? I sure don't want to. The best we can do is to be honest with ourselves and treat our nearest and dearest with respect and love - a love that's as real without God as it ever was with him.

 

I appreciate all of you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.