Talking Snakes, Magic Trees, Magic Fruit... It All Just Makes Sense! Glory!

[Brother Jeff]

I posted this to Facebook yesterday to highlight how ridiculous religious belief sounds to those of us who approach life rationally. Glory!

 

Have you considered what the Lard has done for you?

 

You see, approximately 6000 years ago, the Holy Farter version of the Lard magically created our small, three-tiered universe, and our flat planet. He created an awesome garden named Eden, and then He magically created the first man, Adam, from a hunk of dirt. The Holy Spook version of the Lard magically breathed life into this blessed hunk of dirt. The Lard didn't want Adam to be alone, so he magically caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, and then He magically created Eve, the first woman, from one of Adam's ribs.

 

Everything was awesome for about 2000 years, but then the Magic Fruit Incident happened, and it ruined everything! You see, the Holy Farter magically created a magic tree in the awesome garden, and he warned Adam and Eve not to fuck with it. He warned them that if they ate the magic fruit from the magic tree, they would surely die. One fine day, Adam and Eve were walking through the awesome garden when they were approached by a talking snake. The Talking Snake convinced Eve to eat the magic fruit from the magic tree, and then Eve convinced Adam to partake of the magic fruit as well. The results were catastrophic!! The magic fruit killed Adam and Eve's inner spooks, depriving them of the ability to live forever. A while later, the Holy Farter magically appeared in the garden, anticipating His daily walk with Adam and Eve. He searched for them everywhere, but He couldn't find them! Finally, the Holy Farter called out, "Adam, where the hell are you?" And Adam called out to the Holy Farter saying, "Lard, we are over here with this Talking Snake!" When the Holy Farter realized what Adam and Eve had done thanks to the lying Talking Snake, He was fucking pissed off!! He banished Adam and Eve from the awesome garden and cursed the Talking Snake for what he had done. He was instantly magically deprived of his legs, and he was condemned to slither on the ground and eat dust forever. The Lard also prophesied that He would magically repair the damage that the magic fruit had done. 2000 years passed, and then sure enough, the Holy Spook version of the Lard had sex with a virgin woman named Mary, and nine months later, the Lard appeared in human form, and Mary and her husband Joseph called him JESUS. The Lard Jesus had only one primary mission in His life, and that was to magically undo the magical damage that the magic fruit from the magic tree had caused (1 John 3:8). At the age of 30, Jesus began His glorious ministry, after being baptized by John the Baptist. On that glorious day, John baptized Jesus in the Jordan river, and when He came up out of the water, the Holy Spook flew down from the Sky Kingdom in His Bird Form and landed on Jesus's shoulder, signifying the Holy Farter's approval of His glorious ministry. And, a magical voice declared from the clouds, "This is My beloved Son! Hear Him! I am pleased with Him, as I should be, since He is Me!"

 

Jesus wandered the countryside for the next three years, teaching and preaching the Glorious Bullshit about Himself, and magically healing those afflicted with various diseases. When the time came for Him to sacrifice Himself to Himself to save us from Himself, He willingly laid down His life and suffered the agony of the big giant stick, as the Holy Farter poured out the Sky Wrath that was meant for us onto His only Son. When the Lard knew that the time had come, He cried out, "Sky Me, Sky Me, why have you forsaken Me?" And then He Croaked in the Spook, satisfying the Holy Farter version of Himself's anger against us for doing shit that pissed Him off, and providing a way for us who belive the Glorious Bullshit about Him to live forever with the Lard in the Sky Kingdom! And the best thing is, when the Lard Croaked in the Spook, He kicked the Talking Snake's ass! And He's going to do it again once and for all when He rides His Sky Horse down from the Sky Kingdom very soon!

 

If you want to live forever in the Sky Kingdom with the Lard, all you have to do is believe the Glorious Bullshit about Him! Ask the Lard sincerely to forgive you for the shit you did that pissed Him off, and He will do it! Your inner spook will magically be restored, and the Lard will come to live inside of you through the magical power of His Holy Spook! Bless the Lard! Thank you, Jesus! Glory! Pray this Sinner's Prayer like you really mean it, and you'll be slaved! Glory!

 

O Magic Sky Farter, I know that I have broken Your laws and the shit I have done that pisses You off has separated me from You. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from that shit and stop doing shit that pisses You off. Please forgive me, and help me avoid pissing You off again. I believe that Your Son who is also somehow magically You, Jesus Kryasst, died for the shit I did that pissed You off, was magically undeadened, is alive and living in the sky, and hears me talking to myself. I invite Jesus to become the Lard of my life, to rule and reign in my farts from this day forward. Please send Your Holy Spook to magically help me do shit that pleases You, and to do Your kind of shit for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name I talk to myself, Amen. Glory!

[Justus]

In Jesus’ name I talk to myself, Amen.

 

 

Hope things are going good for you, Thanks for sharing!

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Justus,

 

Christians are not allowed to post bible threats against any of us in this Rants section.  Therefore I have edited your post to delete the reference. Christian vomit needs to be kept in the Lion's Den.  

 

Buffettphan

Moderator of Rants Subforum

[Lilith666]

In church, I saw a sign that was something about Easter, some special Jesus party about how he was BROKEN and BLEEDING for our sins. Scary words in big capital letters. I think there was something in the sermon too about the unimaginable agony that Jesus suffered for us ingrates. I thought, well sure it sucked, but it was 2,000 years ago and he's king of the universe now. I thought Jesus was perfect and as such did not make people feel bad for stuff that isn't really that much of an issue. They just keep assuming year after year that it was so awful and we'll always be indebted to him, but by now it's been a really long time since he died (with the knowledge that he was coming back). Isn't he going to get over it at some point?

[rjn]

In church, I saw a sign that was something about Easter, some special Jesus party about how he was BROKEN and BLEEDING for our sins. Scary words in big capital letters. I think there was something in the sermon too about the unimaginable agony that Jesus suffered for us ingrates. I thought, well sure it sucked, but it was 2,000 years ago and he's king of the universe now. I thought Jesus was perfect and as such did not make people feel bad for stuff that isn't really that much of an issue. They just keep assuming year after year that it was so awful and we'll always be indebted to him, but by now it's been a really long time since he died (with the knowledge that he was coming back). Isn't he going to get over it at some point?

 

He was also part God, so even though he was also fully human at the time, he KNEW death posed to no threat to him. He knew all along what was going to happen. I guess you could say he was emotionally agonized by being tortured at the hands of his beloved children, but then again, why would an omniscient being be bothered by something like that? Ordinary human beings have suffered worse fates.