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Goodbye Jesus

My Story


bleepybloop

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This is my story about my conversion and deconversion.

 

My parents haven't been the religious type, but as a tradition, I've been baptised to Evangelical Lutheran church when I was a baby. How I got in touch with Pentecostal church? A classmate, who moved to my neighborhood and was in my class with me, was in Pentecostal church (with her parents and 7 siblings). She asked me to a summer camp when I was 10 years and there it was. I was hooked. I 'gave my life to Jesus on one night at the camp and when the adults congratulated me next morning, I was confused. I did'n felt anything miraculous the night before, I didn't sleep better, or anything like that. All felt the same. But still, I was "in the club" and that felt good.

Yes, I was bullied at school from 1st to 9th grade. First because of my appearance, then of my religion too. Sometime between 9th grade ending and beginning of the high school all my bullies who attended the same high school I did, somehow grew up (or grew a pair?). Luckily I didn't have to be afraid of going to school anymore at high school! Why I was still feeling depressed on some days? Why I was afraid of dark, death, etc.? I now know why: The fear of being a sinner and not been forgiven. I stayed awake many nights only because I was afraid to fall asleep. What if I wasn't pure enough and the rapture happens, or I "just" die during sleep and I go to hell. The depression is a demon inside you, and at times I felt depressed. How can I be ready for heaven, if I 'let' a demon come inside me? Oh, those thoughts were much worse than being afraid of bullying at school. I asked my 'spiritual mother' at the church about that many times. She told me to let god take the demon away and pray. And pray. And pray. God will answer. But he didn't answer, and I felt more depressed at times.

I've suffered from type 2 manic-depressive disorder since my youth - though doctors gave the diagnosis much later, when I was an adult. I feel - okay, I know - that my childhood would have been so much easier if I had the diagnosis then already (and medication too). I was that bad with my emotions when I was a teen and hormones made the hypomanic days much worse.

I went to the summer camp every year and sometimes to the Sunday School with my classmate at her church. The more I went there, the more it felt good and I felt like being home - and accepted. When I was 13 (or 14) I started to go youth gatherings on Friday nights, where we sang gospel songs, someone preached shortly, sang little more and then we prayed, ate something and then just 'chilled out' or prayed more.

The years went by and I became more and more active at the church. I was in the band with my friends there, either singing or playing piano. I went to church services on Sundays, accompanied the choir, the hymns, etc. It feels, I spent my free time either in music school or at the church. At the same time I was in high school (gymnasium) and when the final exams came, I didn't have enough time or strength to properly prepare for them at the 'reading break' what we had before the exams. Luckily I graduated from high school, but the grades weren't so good due the lack of time. Until this day I haven't been able to determine, why the members of my church wanted so much from me to the point that I wasn't able to concentrate on my studies in high school?

After high school I spent a year to think, what I wanted with my life. Half of it, I spent in my elementary school as a teachers assistant and the other half at my church, as an assistant too. Ok, now I had all the time to concentrate on the church, but that half of the year wasn't as enjoyable as I imagined beforehand. The pastors gave me more and more responsibilities (which was at the same time good thing) and I just burned out. Despite my 'burnout' I went to study Pentecostal theology in the christian academy next fall and I thought I wanted to become a youth pastor. There I had all the time to relax and study the subjects what were interesting and fascinating for me and I should have been the happiest person in the whole world, right? Although everything should have been perfect at the time, my faith should have been stronger day after day. Still, all the studying started my deconversion.

The more I studied the bible, the more I started to doubt the whole 'God-thing'. I learned that the bible wasn't more than just lore from the time 'before and after year 0', and it is possible to be interpreted in so many ways. How would we be sure that all that is in that book is absolutely correct instead of someones' imagination? How we can be sure that the books the bible consist of are truly the word of God? How some people had permission to decide what books of the bible were god's word and which weren't? If it is the only truth, why is it inconsistent on so many parts? And purely cruel on many points, yet god should be the loving father.

Now, after 10 years after quitting the christian academy, I'm not afraid of death or darkness.

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Welcome to EX-c bleepybloop!! (love the name!) Thank you so much for sharing your story. Oh, how well I can all relate to so many points you have brought up. The same questions that brought us all to this board. Keep reading and posting all your concerns. Someone is always here to help you though this transition if you need more help. Forming a new worldviews can be hard on us when we depended on this invisible god to show us the way for so long......


 


We're here for you on this new journey.


 


Good to have you here with us! Looking forward to hearing more from you!


 


((hug))


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Welcome, and thanks for sharing your story. It's strange how you mentioned being afraid to go to sleep due to being possessed or something, I have a similar story on how I spent all night dreaming about the devil laughing at me because he finally corrupted my soul.

Take care, and hope to read more from you.

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Great post. Welcome!

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Thanks for sharing your story! Studying is what began my deconversion as well. The bible has created more ex-Christians than any other book.

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I remember being told at church that nothing, nothing should be more dear to you than god. Studying is secondary, people are secondary, animals, nature, art... nothing should compare to god, especially if it's secular. Maybe that's a part of how they justified asking you to do so much even when it was harming your studying. 

 

I'm really glad you wrote this hun. I hope this website will be helpful to you even though you've already come so far from the worst place you were in. It's one thing to have lovely, supportive friends who never were deep in these cults, and another thing to have a whole community of people who potentially do understand from their own experience. As such, this site has helped me deal with a lot of memories that I had been afraid to look at. 

 

*hugs*

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First, I want to thank you all! It's so amazing to find people here, who has been struggling with similar things as I have been.

Thanks to yunea, I've found these forums couple a months ago and reading the posts here have been the most helpful thing for me with my journey to realistic thinking.

Thank you guys for being here! <3

 

*hugs*

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yellow.gif

 

Keep reading, and as Margee said, if you have any concerns or questions, go ahead and write about them whenever you need.

 

(For others - Bleepy is my most long-time friend (is that how you say it in English?), and we attended the same churches for some time waaaay back then.)

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You are a great friend yunea :) Friends don't let friends get high on God, lol.

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Lol awww Travi, thanks, though I can't take such honours I'm afraid! Bleepy had doubts much earlier than I did, and I didn't understand. Giving her the link to here is the least I could do after everything. I'm glad those days are over for both of us and now it's just time for us to heal, look back, and be honest with each other.

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What's important is you both supported each other and both found your way out of it and into reason. No matter who got who where or how. :) We're glad to have both of you!

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yellow.gif

 

Keep reading, and as Margee said, if you have any concerns or questions, go ahead and write about them whenever you need.

 

(For others - Bleepy is my most long-time friend (is that how you say it in English?), and we attended the same churches for some time waaaay back then.)

I will keep reading. Gladly. :)

 

(I think it's said that way :D yeah, almost 20years we've been knowing each others now)

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20? Goddamnit. Can't be that long. 

 

No wait... yes... 19 years. 

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20? Goddamnit. Can't be that long. 

 

No wait... yes... 19 years. 

Yeah, we are that old already :D

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