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Goodbye Jesus

The Whip


Travellingfemme

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I spoke to my therapist earlier.

 

I guess through a lot of tears and frustration I had a revelation. No wonder I'm depressed, no wonder I'm hopeless, no wonder I'm anxious. Yes, I've said goodbye to religion, but the mental rigidity and guilt and perfect standards I tried to uphold for 15 years are still governing my thinking, except now Christianity is not to blame. I'm doing it to myself and it happens so automatically.

 

My therapist told me to buy a whip (funny I know - made me think of bondage!), but he said I should have it as a reminder of what I am continuously doing to myself. I just don't know how to stop. The whipping, the blaming, the guilt which follows the experimenting I've been doing. Why aren't I happy now I've left Christianity? Where has all my self-esteem gone? I feel like I'm just treading water and 'coping'...not really living.

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It can be very difficult to override programming that you were taught was important for survival. In this case, Christianity taught you that all of the ooga-booga warnings and such were there to protect you and help you (which was completely false, but that is what they teach), so overriding years of mental and emotional conditioning is difficult. There was also the social aspect of having approval of others for fitting in with their expectations. That is another powerful aspect of most life forms. Breaking away from that can feel like "I'm doing everything wrong and will lose out on all good and then face punishment. AAAAUUGHHHH!!" But that is the conditioning speaking, not reality. Reality was never what you were taught in Christianity. It was only ever and always intended to control and manipulate you based on fear. The fear you are fighting now is the fault of Christianity.

 

The more you embrace life, the more experiences your mind will get that there are no punishments for loving life. There are no sins, no guys on thrones in the sky, no invisible spirits doing anything good or bad. I've been out for nearly 9 years, so almost all of the old conditioning is gone. It still pops up in my dreams occasionally because I spent 30 years following devotedly. But it doesn't control me anymore.

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Psychologically speaking, even when religion is let go of, the effects of it can still linger for some time. The mind acts like a sieve, so as that saying goes, time heals all wounds. That's what it will take...that and I recommend you read a bunch of books disproving christianity. What this will do is over the course of time, your psyche will pick up on this new info and will over ride the older christian indoctrination that still processes automatically through your mind. The more info you input into your mind, the more your mind will compartmentalize the older beliefs with the new ones, thus relieving you of christianities lingering effects. Also, you found comfort in religion, and your brain is built to provide safety when life-situations become too much. Religion has helped protect you against things like life stresses and anxieties as well as fear of death etc., so when you quit religion and face life head on, the brain instinctively will pull you back into your religious beliefs as a way of protecting itself. Your therapist was wrong. A physical reminder (whip) to stop doing something psychologically won't help in the long wrong or at all for that matter. You need to change your way of thinking by taking in new information for your brain to process, therefore changing the way you think. Buying a whip as a reminder to stop doing what you're doing is (forgive me) absurd and laughable. No offense, you really should find another therapist. The thought processes in our brains runs on information that is taken in, therefore it is in taking in new information that will help you, not buying and staring at a whip as a reminder. I am sorry for what your going through. I have been there myself. You are very courageous to face this head on. If you need any more help, please feel free to pm me if you want. Good luck to you. -peace

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I spoke to my therapist earlier.

 

I guess through a lot of tears and frustration I had a revelation. No wonder I'm depressed, no wonder I'm hopeless, no wonder I'm anxious. Yes, I've said goodbye to religion, but the mental rigidity and guilt and perfect standards I tried to uphold for 15 years are still governing my thinking, except now Christianity is not to blame. I'm doing it to myself and it happens so automatically.

 

My therapist told me to buy a whip (funny I know - made me think of bondage!), but he said I should have it as a reminder of what I am continuously doing to myself. I just don't know how to stop. The whipping, the blaming, the guilt which follows the experimenting I've been doing. Why aren't I happy now I've left Christianity? Where has all my self-esteem gone? I feel like I'm just treading water and 'coping'...not really living.

 

This is EXACTLY how I felt for YEARS after leaving my spiritually abusive, ultra-fundamentalist church 10 years ago!!  You can go back and read my ex-timony if you feel so inclined, but basically, I thought the problem was ME, and I thought I was certifiably insane!  As such, I went to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with rapid-cycling chronic depression, totally missing the whole part about me having just left everyone and everything I'd known for the past 6 years of my life (or that I was crazy hormonal because I was pregnant with my 3rd child at the time and he wasn't very nice about it....but that's a whole other post in and of itself).  I was put on mood stabilizers, and was on them for about 6 years before I realized one day that, though I'd left religion, it hadn't left me yet....and THAT was the problem.  I wasn't crazy at all!  I was still brainwashed, still filled with guilt and shame, still completely self-deprecating.  Because that is what the church teaches you to be....especially if you're a woman!!!  It teaches you that you are basically worthless, outside of being a "helpmeet"/doting wife and "perfect" mother.  To hell with your own self-worth, dreams, goals, ambitions, talents, etc., as far as they're concerned!!

 

Listen to me when I say this:  IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!

 

Repeat that over and over and over until you believe it!!  A million times, if that's what it takes!

 

You are a victim of brainwashing and spiritual, mental, and emotional abuse!!  DO NOT let them or anyone else victim-blame you, and, more importantly, don't victim-blame yourself!  You asked for spirituality, love, and support when you joined the church.  You never asked to be manipulated, brainwashed, guilted, and abused!  THEY did that to you!  They didn't have your consent or permission.  It's no different that any other abuse or violation of your body, mind, or spirit, and the fact that you are feeling the effects of the trauma - because that's what you endured - makes perfect sense.  You cannot fault yourself for feeling the same feelings anyone who's ever been through any other sort of trauma feels!  Why would spiritual trauma be any different?  To blame yourself for what you went through isn't being fair to yourself.  Again....IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

I know it's tough, and takes time, and is MUCH easier said than done (believe me, I know!!), but I encourage you to start being more gentle with yourself, for starters, and then, take back the reins, and choose to be a victim-survivor!!  Stand up and refuse to continue to let them have power over your heart, soul, and mind anymore.  And know that you have a good support system here at Ex-C.  We understand!

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What?

 

There's brainwashing, manipulation and abuse in the xitan religion and their f'ed up churches?

 

Say it ain't so!!!!   Wendytwitch.gif

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I spoke to my therapist earlier.

 

I guess through a lot of tears and frustration I had a revelation. No wonder I'm depressed, no wonder I'm hopeless, no wonder I'm anxious. Yes, I've said goodbye to religion, but the mental rigidity and guilt and perfect standards I tried to uphold for 15 years are still governing my thinking, except now Christianity is not to blame. I'm doing it to myself and it happens so automatically.

 

My therapist told me to buy a whip (funny I know - made me think of bondage!), but he said I should have it as a reminder of what I am continuously doing to myself. I just don't know how to stop. The whipping, the blaming, the guilt which follows the experimenting I've been doing. Why aren't I happy now I've left Christianity? Where has all my self-esteem gone? I feel like I'm just treading water and 'coping'...not really living.

 

Travellingfemme, how well I can relate to your post. Let me tell you a little tiny bit of my story. I belonged to the Pentecostal church for a long time and they had a wonderful time brainwashing us using Romans 'list of sins' as a strong lecture many times on ''getting right with god.''

 

When you look over this list and have been brainwashed with it, it is very hard to understand once you are deconverting that you are free of this list anymore. But as others have said, it takes time. Look at Romans 1:21. How many times did I go to the alter asking for forgiveness for my 'unpure heart' begging god to help me become perfect as 'he' was perfect. Rom 1:22 was when I asked far too many intelligent questions to the pastors and they told me I had to walk by faith and that my questioning was making me look like a wise secular person....so I felt bad again in the eyes of god again.

 

Check out Romans 1:24... me constantly (especially as a young person full of raging hormones) constantly fighting 'dark' sexual thoughts. (or what was considered dark)  Masturbation was torture. The guilt was unbearable and so shameful... so back down to the alter I would go with 'tail in between my legs' begging god for forgiveness for any 'unclean' sexual conduct or thoughts..

 

Romans 1:25  taught that we if we were not on god's side, we were worshiping  the secular world which was run by Satan. I would play secular music and dance all by myself in the kitchen and feel total guilty that I wasn't listening to gospel music or studying my bible. (these are just a few samples of what I went through) Romans 1:26 dealt with the woman fantasizing about being with another woman...also part of many  woman's sexuality. So if you thought a bi-sexual thought, you were devastated and felt so unclean before the lord. So full of shame and back down to the alter I would go to beg for more forgiveness.

 

Romans 1:29, was a killer. Most humans, even within the church could feel all these things and emotions in that verse.....  unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, horrible thoughts of anger, debate, deceit, malicious behavior; gossiping. So back down to the alter again to plead with god to make me stronger in all these areas of my life.I always felt like a failure. Like the scripture says and was preached many times in our church, ''Be perfect as your father in heaven.'' I was CONSTANTLY full of guilt and shame.

 

And it all continues in the next verse of Romans 1:30, 1:31, 1:32... Backbiters, haters of God, (because if you 'served' in the world, you were against god) spiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death Wendytwitch.gif , not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them!! That's a very scary statement.

 

Sweet Mossy!! And you wonder why you are trapped in doctrine my darling. And this was just a touch of some of the preaching and brainwashing we got from the bible!!  It was all torture!! Never good enough!!  I was supposed to have a new nature when I became born again and I still struggled the whole time trying to be perfect. It is soooo wonderful to not have to be so perfect anymore! It's so incredibly freeing! The more reading you do and the more you understand that you do not have to please this invisible god anymore....you will eventually become free and know that all these behaviors that we were taught that were so wrong, are typical human nature!!

 

Start practicing that freedom tonight. Put your toe in the water and feel how wonderful it is not to have to feel guilty over every damn thing anymore!!

 

I give you the biggest hug tonight. Stay here with us. We will help you figure all this out. Ex-c has got your back sweetie!!

 

((hug))

..............................................................................................

Lists of Sins in the book of Romans

Rom 1:21 Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened. 

Rom 1:22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, 

Rom 1:23 And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things. 

Rom 1:24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: 

Rom 1:25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. 

Rom 1:26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: 

Rom 1:27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. 

Rom 1:28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; 

Rom 1:29 Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, 

Rom 1:30 Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents

Rom 1:31 Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: 

Rom 1:32 Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.

 

 http://www.2x2ministry.org/sin/sins_list_romans.php

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I was deeply into that shit for 47 years. It takes time, a lot of time for some people, to cleanse your mind & rid yourself from their brainwashing. Walking away is just the first step. Hang in there it does get better with each passing day.

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The whipping, the blaming, the guilt which follows the experimenting I've been doing. Why aren't I happy now I've left Christianity? Where has all my self-esteem gone? I feel like I'm just treading water and 'coping'...not really living.

 

Hi, Travellingfemme. I feel for you. I've been through it. It's natural that you're not happy - your self-worth, life purpose and entire identity were wrapped up in your faith. Now that it's been debunked, it's no surprise you feel lost. There were some consolations in the faith and those can vary a bit from believer to believer. For some, it's more the sense of community. For others, it's the feeling of being intimately connected to and accepted by the divine. My experience was more of the latter and I'm guessing it's similar for you. Perhaps you were dependent on God to make you feel "okay" (as little as he did) and you don't have that anymore. Now you're on your own. It's a scary place to be. Know you're not alone. We get it.

 

You said you feel like you're just "treading water and 'coping'...not really living."

 

It's time to heal.

 

All of the things that made you vulnerable to a perspective which preyed upon your weaknesses, it's time to look at them now... and look at them critically. Do you have children? Would you do this to your child? (the things which the Christian God demanded, the things you find you still demand of yourself).

 

I don't know about the whip therapy (lol). If it really does help you realize how dysfunctional your self-abuse is, then I suppose it's helpful. I think what's most important is that you be able to look forward to solutions, not backward at problems. What was it about the Christian faith that seemed important and what is important to you now?

 

It's about you now.

 

No judgment.

 

No demands.

 

Your values. Your conscience. Your desires.

 

Build yourself anew from there.

 

(and keep us posted!)

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I spoke to my therapist earlier.

 

I guess through a lot of tears and frustration I had a revelation. No wonder I'm depressed, no wonder I'm hopeless, no wonder I'm anxious. Yes, I've said goodbye to religion, but the mental rigidity and guilt and perfect standards I tried to uphold for 15 years are still governing my thinking, except now Christianity is not to blame. I'm doing it to myself and it happens so automatically.

 

My therapist told me to buy a whip (funny I know - made me think of bondage!), but he said I should have it as a reminder of what I am continuously doing to myself. I just don't know how to stop. The whipping, the blaming, the guilt which follows the experimenting I've been doing. Why aren't I happy now I've left Christianity? Where has all my self-esteem gone? I feel like I'm just treading water and 'coping'...not really living.

Easy girl, who wants the pressure of being happy

 

"There is a place in Melbourne where everyone is happy, but people seem to forget an awful lot."

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