Telling My Family That I'm An Atheist

[cb1500]

Hello everyone, here is my story.

 

I was raised as a christian from early childhood, and am now an atheist and anti theist at age 19. About 4 years ago, I was convinced that I committed an "unforgivable" sin by saying something bad about God, during a difficult time of my life. From then until now, I've gone from feeling very hopeless and fearful, to being very uncertain, and finally to atheism. My anxiety subsided for a while, and I was able to convince myself that God wasn

[cb1500]

I was typing on my phone and accidentally hit post before I was done.  So anyway, I was able to convince myself that God does not exist.  Recently, the anxiety returned and I needed to do some research to help get rid of my fear and uncertainty.  With the help of several resources, I was able to get over my fear somewhat, but I'm still working on it.  The biggest issue I face right now is telling my family.  My dad would be very supportive of me no matter what, but my mom and sister wouldn't take it so well.  I said something about religion that my mom didn't like recently, and she got very defensive and weird.  My sister is a True Christian™, and made a nasty remark about me as well.  Should I keep quiet about my atheism, or should I tell them how I really feel?  I don't think my mother or sister would ever look at me the same again.  They will probably think I'm an evil devil worshiper and won't listen to anything I have to say.  

I apologize if this wasn't put together well, this is my first time posting.  

[Astreja]

Welcome, cb1500!

 

Before you tell your family, the first thing you need to do is a risk/benefit assessment.  Are you still dependent upon your family for room and board, or for college tuition, and would that be jeopardized if you revealed that you were an atheist?  If it could force you out of the house before you're financially independent and ready to leave, it's usually (but not always) best to play a waiting game and try to avoid discussing religion whenever possible.

 

If you feel safe in that respect and your major concern is with hurting your family's feelings, then put the focus more on how stressful it is to keep silent versus how stressful you think it would be if you outed yourself to them.

 

There is no one answer to this question, and ultimately it's a balancing act.  You have to realistically look at your situation and decide what you're prepared to live with, because once the secret is out it's out for good.

[GuyGone]

Why is it necessary to tell anyone?  I think sometimes ex-Christians become like some ex-smokers - need to evangelize everyone around them. Why would you want to do it that way?  For the shock value?  To cause hurt?  To get back at someone for something?  Does it stem from anger of some kind?  It might be worthwhile to examine why you feel it necessary to make it a point to tell your family. 

 

At work, most atheists don't go around to their coworkers, even the Christian ones, and make a point of telling them that they're wrong.  People who do that are considered obnoxious in the work place.   I don't think there are very many cases where it's necessary to drop a bombshell.  But if it comes up in conversation, it's legitimate to say "I'm an atheist".  Or to say "I have a problem with that story in the Bible because it conflicts with this one".  Or "I don't believe what I used to believe about that."  Or even "I can't trust a God who never seems to do anything."  In other words, you can be honest without being deliberately antagonistic.

 

I know I've listed a number of possible reasons such as anger to tell everyone, and none of them may apply.  But the question of why it's necessary to make a point of challenging your family (as opposed to just letting it be part of normal conversations or something) is legitimate.

[TABA]

cb1500, welcome to our group! Whatever about your family, you can be yourself here and you will get lots of support and encouragement.

 

I tend to agree with GuyGone's approach: you don't need to be an evangelical atheist, especially at your age when you are dependent on your family, and I'm sure you don't want to cause them pain. But you should also be honest and not pretend to be something that you're not. Having said that, there are different ways to be honest. It might be true to say "I think religion is fantasy and those who follow it are deluded", but it probably would have nothing but negative results. Following GuyGone's advice and instead expressing doubts about Christianity without being a dick about it seems best to me.

 

I think your Dad may have a key role to play here. It's good to hear that you think he'd be supportive of you, so confiding in him and following his advice seems like a good idea. After all, he knows you, your Mom and your sister better than anybody.

 

Good luck, and stay in touch, OK!

 

- TABA

[Lyra]

I think another way to approach it, is by dropping very subtle hints that imply you *could* be an atheist, without actually making it clear that you are. Like Astreja said, once it's out it's out, and there's no going back. But on the other hand, if you "test the waters" so to speak, you could gage their reactions to help see how they might react, and then make your decision based on that.

 

For example, you could say things like:

"I was talking with [someone you can reference, but a person that your parents would never talk to, like maybe an old friend of yours from high school] and she/he said they don't go to church anymore. What's your take on nonbelievers?"

or,

"I don't think lawmakers should make restrictions based on religious morals. Belief is a good thing, but the government shouldn't use it to legislate morality on issues where no one is hurting anyone."

or,

"But what about all the people who are Hindu/Jewish/etc because their parents raised them that way, their whole community follows that religion, and they truly believe it's the right one? I don't believe they would go to hell simply for having a different understanding, despite being a good person."

 

The beauty of these types of comments is that they don't out you as an atheist, but they do help you gage the subject. Your parents might respond with something shockingly fundie and intolerant, or they might surprise you and be more rational than you thought.

If you decide, based on their reaction, that coming out as atheist is a bad idea, you could say something like "No, I still love Jesus, I just had a different opinion about XYZSubject, but all Christians have issues they see differently at times" or similar. But if you do decide to tell them, then it may serve as an easier transition. Also, you might not even want to drop a "bombshell" like "I'm an atheist," but if you give hints like that enough on a regular basis, they may figure it out on their own, in a way that's gradual and not based on an explosive confrontation or big scary confession.

[Shinzon]

I go to a atheist chat group every sunday and pretty much in the closet to family. They dont demand religious obligations out of me and i dont discuss it. Im happy and so are they. Its just not worth the tears and high blood pressure.

[midniterider]

I was typing on my phone and accidentally hit post before I was done.  So anyway, I was able to convince myself that God does not exist.  Recently, the anxiety returned and I needed to do some research to help get rid of my fear and uncertainty.  With the help of several resources, I was able to get over my fear somewhat, but I'm still working on it.  The biggest issue I face right now is telling my family.  My dad would be very supportive of me no matter what, but my mom and sister wouldn't take it so well.  I said something about religion that my mom didn't like recently, and she got very defensive and weird.  My sister is a True Christian™, and made a nasty remark about me as well.  Should I keep quiet about my atheism, or should I tell them how I really feel?  I don't think my mother or sister would ever look at me the same again.  They will probably think I'm an evil devil worshiper and won't listen to anything I have to say.  

I apologize if this wasn't put together well, this is my first time posting.  

 

Your religious beliefs, like your political beliefs and your sex life ... nobody's business but yours.

 

You will always bump into someone with a different religious belief or political bent. People don't tend to be rational when discussing these things. It's all emotionally driven. Why stir up shit?

 

Now if someone demands to know what you believe, then tell em. If it pisses them off, tough shit. Otherwise, no ,  you don't 'owe' them that knowledge.

[Geezer]

Atheists is a word that tends to invite debate & controversy. I've found that simply saying I'm not religious tends not invite any kind of response one way or the other.

[cb1500]

Thank you everyone who replied.  After thinking about it more and reading your replies, I think I'm simply not going to talk about it with them anymore, other than giving subtle hints every once and a while, and only if they bring it up.  It's just kind of hard for me to keep quiet sometimes, especially when they (religious people) say something completely illogical or ridiculous.  I've given them a few subtle hints before, such as how I think the doctrine of hell is absolutely disgusting, how ridiculous I think the concept of a soul is, and how silly it is that people actually think personal success is the result of a "blessing", rather than hard work and determination.  Like politics, I try to avoid talking about religion with friends and family as much as possible.  My parents don't seem to have a problem with me not going to church, so that's good.  

 

I'm so happy that I found a site with people who I can actually talk to.  None of the people I know personally would truly understand what I've gone through mentally and emotionally in the past few years, or understand why for that matter.  Although I'm absolutely convinced that all religion is complete nonsense, I still have a lot of fear inside of me from the indoctrination.  The ridiculous arguments from christian apologists and fundamentalists still scare me, and I need to continue working on that.  Sometimes I get physically ill and have a panic attack over the stuff they say, or I just get extremely angry.  Thanks again for the replies.

 

-cb1500

[MOHO]

CB,

 

Most everyone on this site can empathize with a little lingering fear as well as the uneasiness that results from the fundy outbursts. You know the ones...

 

"We are so blessed that we have a home and food!"

or

"We need to prey about whether we should buy that car!"

 

I think this uneasiness stems from the realization that those comments suggest that the person laying them out there are bat-shit crazy - and - you have to deal with them each and every day. Further - they can sometimes, at least partially, control your destiny.

 

That last one is a biggy for me. The closest fundy in my life owns half my stuff!

 

Anyway, welcome. Hang around and get to know us.

[BobCu]

I would just tell them you figured out the god fantasy is not real. That's all you have to say. If they complain that's their problem. Accepting reality is something to be proud of. If they don't get that who cares.

 

If the abuse is too much then stop visiting your family. It's not your fault they're insane.

[R. S. Martin]

Recently, on a twenty-minute drive a taxi driver said to me, "You're a Christian, right?" Not wanting to alienate a person I was alone in the car with and whom I would never see again, yet not wishing to lie, I said, "Not really." During the course of conversation I told him that I could never find evidence and he seemed to understand. He was raised in an atheist home but there was war in his home country, leaving him feel helpless. He ended up praying and felt as though he got some sort of response or affirmation, I guess, and is now a Christian willing to help others if they want it. 

 

I felt that was a positive experience. I did not announce that I'm atheist; I just said "Not really" to his question and based on his personal background he seemed to read between the lines.

 

For those who think it is important to put it out that that we are atheist, I felt like a coward just saying "I'm not really a Christian." But I think we each have to play it by ear for each situation. 

[GuyGone]

I haven't understood why it's necessary to tell people that we're atheists.  We've all heard of the stereotypical ex-smoker who wants to evangelize everyone about his new non-habit.  But most non-smokers just don't smoke.

 

I still go to church with my wife but I don't participate.  At church, people assume you are a Christian, I don't find it necessary to announce that they are all wrong.  I don't feel the need to be an atheist evangelist.

 

I wonder, do we often want to tell everyone because we want to convince them?  Are we afraid "what they'll think" (that we're a Christian)?  Like most non-smokers, most atheists are just non-believers.  They aren't trying to sell it to anyone.  They just live as if God doesn't exist and go on about their lives.

 

I'm sure some people feel a need to get back at someone, perhaps a strongly fundamentalist parent or something.  And some feel like if they don't say something, everyone will assume they're something they aren't.  New Christians sometimes evangelize, but that's because they want everyone to have what they have.  Why do we need to?  Most people don't make a point of telling the people around them their smoking status, sexual preferences, book preferences, whether they are an introvert or extrovert.  Most of the time, people just let their actions speak unless the topic legitimately comes up in conversation.

 

I have a relative who is vegetarian. That's a good thing to know because we want to pick restaurants that will accommodate them.  I suppose the atheist equivalent would be if someone from your old church invites you to a men's (or women's) retreat or some other religious event.  Then you could say "I don't go to those anymore" or the stronger "I just don't believe that stuff anymore".  But that's different from making a point of bringing the subject up.

 

Makes for an interesting question I guess; what circumstances really call for making a declaration of atheism as opposed to just being an atheist?

[R. S. Martin]

I haven't understood why it's necessary to tell people that we're atheists. 

 

For me, it was a case of feeling obligated on some level, of clearing things up just so we all know where we're all at. I think on some level I wanted approval, or at least discussion in order to prove to myself that I didn't make a mistake.

 

Mostly the mistake was in telling but I did get one or two good level-headed discussions that I found very helpful and satisfying. 

[cb1500]

Thanks again for the replies.  They pretty much know where I stand now due to a conversation we had a few nights ago, and surprisingly, have no problems with it.  Fortunately, everyone was in a good mood during this conversation.  The conversation started when my mom said how God saved all of the animals in the arc during the flood, and I replied to that by saying "which never really happened".  When she tried to defend the flood story, my dad joined the conversation and explained how the story is impossible and ridiculous.  Even though he is a believer, he doesn't take the flood story or the creation story literally.  We talked about a few other religious issues, I pointed out several illogical religious world views, and I tried to convince my mom that her beliefs are subjective.  The conversation ended after my mom said something like, "so you're an atheist now?"  I said that I was, and she made a joke about trying to convert me back again.  That was the end of it.  No one was mad or upset in any way.  

 

I was very cautious during the conversation, and I would't have said anything if I thought it were going to end badly.  Certainly a huge relief to know that they responded in a rational way.

[LogicalFallacy]

Well done cb. Things should be easier moving forward. At least everyone knows where you stand, and you can be free from having to pretend that you are a believer.

[R. S. Martin]

I'm glad things worked out for your, cb.