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Goodbye Jesus

The Last To "turn Away"


AnonAgno94

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Hi there, everyone. smile.png

 

I'm very new to this site. I discovered it several months ago while reseraching Christian topics. I prefer to stay anonymous for now, under my screen name of AnonAgno94.

 

I'm in the process of trying to submit some of my story to the administrators of this site, but I'm not sure if my initial submission a few weeks ago went through, so I'm waiting to hear back from them regarding my follow-up emails.

 

Anywho, I don't want to give all of the details away yet, but I thought I would share some of my story here. Also, I apologize if the writing style is a bit difficult to track. I felt very "romantic" with my writing today.

 

Right now, I'm struggling with meeting people who are on the same wavelength as me. I've had Christianity as my foundation for the first 22 years of my life, up until a few months ago. Six months ago, I swore to my atheist boyfriend that I would always have my faith, that nothing could ever shake me from it. And here I am now terrified to even associate myself with "religion" and "faith" anymore. And perhaps freaking out about death.

 

I was raised Catholic. I was baptized as an evangelical Christian as the age of 17 (that's how a lot of non-denom churches get you apparently). I have had a lifelong struggle with family issues, anxiety, and depression. I've been told by Christian friends that they wish they had the faith that I had. They wish that they could go by themselves on a 3200-mile roundtrip journey into Mexico and back (yes by themselves -- and with people I had never even met in person until the trip). They would look at me like I was crazy when I would share my "encounters" with the Holy Spirit. I was convinced that people just needed to pray more, needed to trust God more.

 

My point is that I was the last person anyone would have thought would stop believing.

 

But that's where I am now. I'm fully convinced now that should any open-minded Christian befriend a knowledgeable, grounded atheist/agnostic, they would end up where I am now -- not sticking to any sort of formal religion.

 

A small hint of backstory - I started dating my boyfriend last year (he's a secular humanist). We knew our religious views were different, but honestly we were so beyond compatible that for us, making it work was mostly easy. Of course, I met both praise and criticism from Christians in my life, some who took the Bible literally and some who didn't. Over time, the negative feedback about my relationship created a lot of anxiety within me regarding my beliefs and how they applied to my boyfriend. After all, he had been the first non-religious person I had ever been close to. But he was amazing to me - treated me better than my ex-boyfriend who claimed to be a Christian. (Overall things are continuing to go well for us).

 

Flash forward a few months of anxiety, guilt, and anguish. I started questioning everything about Christianity hardcore until I realized that perhaps my internal values no longer matched those of Christianity's values.

 

From my youth, I thought Christianity was everything, was taught that Christianity was everything. My faith blurred the reality of the world around me until about 4 months ago, my logic and senses started to wake up to tell me things, like how I realized that I did not want to raise my children belieiving that they were inherently evil, to instill upon them the same negativity that I have endured throughout my life and am still trying to overcome. I found myself rooting for Bill Nye in the pitiful Ken Ham/Bill Nye debate a few years back (yes, I watched the entire 2+-hour long debate). I sought after answers when I started doubting Christianity and only ended up more confused. I kept getting answers like, "Don't think about hell. Just trust God," whenever I would share that the thought of people I loved going to hell kept plaguing me, giving me nightmares and worrying me. I also received responses like, "It just depends on how you interpret it," regarding the Bible. If something like Christianity was truly as universally true as it is proclaimed to be, you'd think that its central tenets regarding hell, death, salvation, etc., would be clear enough that nobody would mistake its main message (apart from Jesus, of course). All of these signs, once I started learning about science and evolution more in-depth, started making me feel unstable in my Christian beliefs. I started losing sleep and researching constantly, trying to make it all black-and-white but finding gray answers. For me, Christianity has to either all be true (including the "fall" in the garden of Eden), or none of it is true. After all, didn't Jesus believe Adam was real? That Noah's flood actually happened? I used to say that I started with Jesus and worked my way back with regards to my view of the Bible, but in reality, wasn't the Old Testament supposed to be the New Testament's foundation?

 

Now, I don't know how to engage with Christians that I know. Almost everybody in my life knows me as a devout, Bible-beliving Christian, someone who would engage in intellectural discusssions about the Bible and spurt out Bible verses during coffee talks. The girl who wrote worship music and lead worship for a small bilingual charistmatic church. The one who never lost her faith even in the toughest of emotional times. The one who went on Bible camps and even started a small Bible study group at her public high school for a short period of time. The one who for over a year did not even consider going to counseling for help with anxiety because I had "god" -- I just needed to trust him enough. Why would I need counseling if I had "god"?

 

Now? I don't know who I am. My ambivert nature isn't helping, either, where I want to go out with people who think more like me now but I also want to be a recluse to rebuild my suddenly-absent foundation. The good thing is that I have recently moved states and started a new job, so the change in environment has allowed me to introduce myself to new people as an agnostic, non-religious. The timing of my deconversion could not have been better!

 

I have told one of my more liberal Christian friends, and they were kind to me but responded that they thought I would be the last one to "turn away."

 

A few months ago, so did I.

 

Thank you for reading. smile.png

 

-AnonAgno94

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Hi AnonAgno94

 

Welcome to Ex-C

 

It is amazing how similar our stories and experiences are, despite being on opposite sides of the Pacific. Certainly many differences but remarkable similarities.

 

I think when I finally leave people will be in shock at my church. I'm part of the inner group of true believers, and the pastors son ... which ironically makes it harder to get out of.

 

It was also logic and curiosity that started my questioning religion. After having questions about our church understanding I started researching for answers and started to snowball from there. I think it's great that you were able to follow your natural logic, rather than shutting it off.

 

Many de converting people also have a desire to meet similarly indeed people, however because of local environment that is much harder where I live due to lack of opportunities so Ex_C is my meeting others at the moment. For now it can serve as a meeting place for you too.

 

Wishing you all the best, and looking forward to reading your story.

 

LogicalFallacy

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If you deconvert from the Christian religion, one of the consequences is a loss of nearly all relationships you had with your Christians friends and acquaintances.  That's the reality.  It's easy to understand why.  They are taught to shun you and cajoled to do so.  That is how nearly all Christians roll.

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AnonAgno94,

 

Welcome to Ex-C! Your story is so familiar to me. Being the "strongest believer," having anxiety and opening your mind to the world, moving at the time of deconversion; these are all things I am familiar with.

 

I will tell you that it gets better. Moving really does help. Don't be worried if you cant make friends at first. In fact, I found myself naturally gravitating towards Christians! After 6 months of living in a new place and choosing friends very carefully, I finally have a couple agnostic or atheist friends. It really takes time. And remember you are still unlearning much. Its okay to be antisocial, or to remove yourself from people at times. Allow yourself to be comforted by your own thoughts and words. You know what is true now, and you know how to rationally fight through any doubts. I wish you the best in your deconversion, my friend!

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Hi AnonAgno94

 

Welcome to Ex-C

 

It is amazing how similar our stories and experiences are, despite being on opposite sides of the Pacific. Certainly many differences but remarkable similarities.

 

I think when I finally leave people will be in shock at my church. I'm part of the inner group of true believers, and the pastors son ... which ironically makes it harder to get out of.

 

It was also logic and curiosity that started my questioning religion. After having questions about our church understanding I started researching for answers and started to snowball from there. I think it's great that you were able to follow your natural logic, rather than shutting it off.

 

Many de converting people also have a desire to meet similarly indeed people, however because of local environment that is much harder where I live due to lack of opportunities so Ex_C is my meeting others at the moment. For now it can serve as a meeting place for you too.

 

Wishing you all the best, and looking forward to reading your story.

 

LogicalFallacy

 

 

-@LogicalFallacy -

 

Love the screen name! :P It's encouraging to hear that I'm not alone even with great distance between. It's been a few years since I have been part of an online forum. Also, it's interesting to hear your connection with the church. I'm curious if the Christian community you are a part of is one that believes in eternal damnation/hell for those who don't believe, or if they're more laid back about non-belief, that everyone goes to heaven? I know some of my conservative friends believe in hell for those who don't believe, so I'm hesitant if I'll ever tell them that I no longer believe simply because the mental anguish I'm afraid it'll put on them (speaking from experience -- worrying about loved ones going to hell made me lose sleep many times). 

 

I hope over time you meet like-minded people. Congrats on having the courage to be open to questioning and for reaching where you are. Honestly it's been at times super difficult losing religion -- particularly trying to understand death without the promise of an afterlife -- but in the long run, it feels great to have freedom in believing what I want to without fear or guilt pressuring me one way or another. 

 

-AnonAgno94

 

 

If you deconvert from the Christian religion, one of the consequences is a loss of nearly all relationships you had with your Christians friends and acquaintances.  That's the reality.  It's easy to understand why.  They are taught to shun you and cajoled to do so.  That is how nearly all Christians roll.

 

@sdeslolray - This is quite true. I have a Christian friend who doesn't have any non-Christian friends. Every time we hang out, it's always about faith and Christianity. It's a friendship that I'm basically avoiding right now to be honest. 

 

AnonAgno94,

 

Welcome to Ex-C! Your story is so familiar to me. Being the "strongest believer," having anxiety and opening your mind to the world, moving at the time of deconversion; these are all things I am familiar with.

 

I will tell you that it gets better. Moving really does help. Don't be worried if you cant make friends at first. In fact, I found myself naturally gravitating towards Christians! After 6 months of living in a new place and choosing friends very carefully, I finally have a couple agnostic or atheist friends. It really takes time. And remember you are still unlearning much. Its okay to be antisocial, or to remove yourself from people at times. Allow yourself to be comforted by your own thoughts and words. You know what is true now, and you know how to rationally fight through any doubts. I wish you the best in your deconversion, my friend!

 

@Abijah - Thank you for responding. I feel like I've been reading so many stories similar to my own as well. This is an online community I feel where I can be myself, at least for now, until I meet more people down the road. I appreciate what you said, too. My boyfriend has been encouraging me saying that if I want to be more of a recluse sometimes, that's okay. Christianity makes you constantly doubt yourself, an "imperfect sinner," and my upbringing also instilled a constant need for external validation rather than learning how to trust myself and my decisions. So now I'm working on improving my internal validation, especially with social interactions. I also agree with your point on my "unlearning" -- I was told by a friend who went through something similar many years ago that I losing Christianity will leave a hole, so it's important to fill that with something different now, such as science. My boyfriend and I are currently re-watching Cosmos, just for example, and it's helped me a lot to start learning more deeply about the world around me. I mean, I took basic biology courses in high school and college, but it never really sunk in, you know? Christianity was always the foundation in my mind, so I felt like I had all of the understanding of the world that I needed. 

 

I'm looking forward to talking with all of you! 

 

-AnonAgno94

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Hi AnonAgno94!

 

I'm glad you're here. I've found this to be a very comfortable place to hang out since my deconversion, and I hope it will be that way for you too...

 

Not being a believer any more takes some getting used to, no doubt, but just about everybody here can tell you that you gradually become more and more comfortable in your non-religious world-view as time passes. It really helps to be in the company of others who have taken the same journey, and while no two deconversion stories are exactly the same, I see that you have already met some of us whose stories are much like yours.

 

As I read your post, I started to think "she needs to move to a new city", so I was glad to see that that's what you've done! That will go a long way to helping you make the break, and to meet new people whose lives do not revolve around religion, whether or not they are religious in any way. Of course it's ideal to have some friends who actively reject religion, as opposed to just not thinking about it, and better yet to have fellow ex-Christians to be around. Anyway, that's why we are here for you!

 

You know there are many Christians who insist that their version of Christianity is the only valid one; don't fall into the trap of thinking that there is only one way to be secular. Of course we give up looking to a "holy" book or a spirit to decide what is right or wrong, but the positions you take going forward should be ones that make sense to you. The great news now is that you can decide for yourself!

 

So welcome to Ex-Christian.net! I look forward to hearing more of your story.

 

- TABA

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Hi AnonAgno94!

 

I'm glad you're here. I've found this to be a very comfortable place to hang out since my deconversion, and I hope it will be that way for you too...

 

Not being a believer any more takes some getting used to, no doubt, but just about everybody here can tell you that you gradually become more and more comfortable in your non-religious world-view as time passes. It really helps to be in the company of others who have taken the same journey, and while no two deconversion stories are exactly the same, I see that you have already met some of us whose stories are much like yours.

 

As I read your post, I started to think "she needs to move to a new city", so I was glad to see that that's what you've done! That will go a long way to helping you make the break, and to meet new people whose lives do not revolve around religion, whether or not they are religious in any way. Of course it's ideal to have some friends who actively reject religion, as opposed to just not thinking about it, and better yet to have fellow ex-Christians to be around. Anyway, that's why we are here for you!

 

You know there are many Christians who insist that their version of Christianity is the only valid one; don't fall into the trap of thinking that there is only one way to be secular. Of course we give up looking to a "holy" book or a spirit to decide what is right or wrong, but the positions you take going forward should be ones that make sense to you. The great news now is that you can decide for yourself!

 

So welcome to Ex-Christian.net! I look forward to hearing more of your story.

 

- TABA

 

@TABA - Thank you for the reply! It's been super encouraging to read others' stories on here and realize I'm not alone. I've been having an emotionally difficult week dealing with my de-conversion and feeling spiritually alone, so everything I've received on here so far has encouraged me tremendously. I admit when I first lost my beliefs, I did feel such freedom in the person I wanted to become, the beliefs I wanted to hold -- it was like I was reborn into the reality that was around me, not the spiritual falsehood I had been taught previously (I'm more or less a secular humanist/agnostic right now -- still trying to work that out though). I even got so courageous as to cut my hair super short and try something different about myself. :P My boyfriend has been supportive as have a few other people in my life, one who in partiular was from my home church and is now an agnostic. They tell me it gets easier with time, and I'm hoping that to be true.

 

Looking forward to connecting!

 

-AnonAgno94

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-@LogicalFallacy -

 

Love the screen name! tongue.png

Thanks - I got the inspiration for the name after listening to many logical fallacies from those in my church. It kind of reminds me of what not to do biggrin.png

 

-@LogicalFallacy -

 

Also, it's interesting to hear your connection with the church. I'm curious if the Christian community you are a part of is one that believes in eternal damnation/hell for those who don't believe, or if they're more laid back about non-belief, that everyone goes to heaven? I know some of my conservative friends believe in hell for those who don't believe, so I'm hesitant if I'll ever tell them that I no longer believe simply because the mental anguish I'm afraid it'll put on them (speaking from experience -- worrying about loved ones going to hell made me lose sleep many times). 

 

-AnonAgno94

My church is all hellfire and brimstone. Everyone but those in the church is going to hell... and now me too. Heaven? Pfff reserved for a very few chosen few, like very very few.

 

I'm of two minds about worrying about the mental anguish you (And I) may put our friends/family through. I understand you completely, and do wonder how this will affect my family when they are told, however at the same time I think we need to think of ourselves.

 

Is not telling your friends/family going to help or hinder you and your growth? What if they find out through other channels? Will they feel betrayed and hurt that you didn't tell them straight up?

 

So I think there are a number of considerations to think about before deciding whether or not to tell others that you no longer believe.

 

One thing I have heard an atheist say about him "going to hell"... and this might have been to his mother on the subject, he said to her, don't worry, according to the Bible you won't remember anything of this life anyway so you won't know I'm burning in hell. So that could be another way to approach the subject if it pops up.

 

Keep on connecting!

 

Logical

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-@LogicalFallacy -

 

Love the screen name! tongue.png

Thanks - I got the inspiration for the name after listening to many logical fallacies from those in my church. It kind of reminds me of what not to do biggrin.png

 

-@LogicalFallacy -

 

Also, it's interesting to hear your connection with the church. I'm curious if the Christian community you are a part of is one that believes in eternal damnation/hell for those who don't believe, or if they're more laid back about non-belief, that everyone goes to heaven? I know some of my conservative friends believe in hell for those who don't believe, so I'm hesitant if I'll ever tell them that I no longer believe simply because the mental anguish I'm afraid it'll put on them (speaking from experience -- worrying about loved ones going to hell made me lose sleep many times). 

 

-AnonAgno94

My church is all hellfire and brimstone. Everyone but those in the church is going to hell... and now me too. Heaven? Pfff reserved for a very few chosen few, like very very few.

 

I'm of two minds about worrying about the mental anguish you (And I) may put our friends/family through. I understand you completely, and do wonder how this will affect my family when they are told, however at the same time I think we need to think of ourselves.

 

Is not telling your friends/family going to help or hinder you and your growth? What if they find out through other channels? Will they feel betrayed and hurt that you didn't tell them straight up?

 

So I think there are a number of considerations to think about before deciding whether or not to tell others that you no longer believe.

 

One thing I have heard an atheist say about him "going to hell"... and this might have been to his mother on the subject, he said to her, don't worry, according to the Bible you won't remember anything of this life anyway so you won't know I'm burning in hell. So that could be another way to approach the subject if it pops up.

 

Keep on connecting!

 

Logical

 

 @LogicalFallacy-

 

My boyfriend is constantly pointing out logical fallacies. He's even had me read the wikipedia page on them to start being able to point them out more frequently. Just last week on Facebook I saw a Christian friend post a meme that said, "So you'll believe what someone today says happened 10 million years ago but you won't believe what witnesses say happened 2,000 years ago?" I pointed out in a straightforward comment that logically speaking, based on that meme, I should therefore be even more likely to follow Islam since it was even more recent in time than Christianity, among other factors. Of course, my comment was promptly deleted to hide any evidence that true logic had actually been applied to that meme..... Wendywhatever.gif

 

What you shared about hell is quite interesting because my home church was Bible-based and taught a version of hell that was apparently dark, cold, and absent of everything "god"-related or "good." I also understand what you mean about the two different considerations regarding "coming out" as an atheist. I was telling my roommate tonight that I'm quite sure once I get back on my own two feet as an Ex-C, I'll be quite vociferous about my change in beliefs. I have conflicting views as to whether I should care what others think of me, but also that I don't want to live my life in a false identity.

 

When I was having panic attacks over the thought of my atheist boyfriend going to hell, he also told me about passages in Isaiah that spoke about heaven, and he tried to comfort me by saying how when I died, I wouldn't even think of him because I would be with "my god." Quite the similarities here!

 

It's nice to keep meeting people across the world who get it and are on a similar path that I am on.

 

-AnonAgno94

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