Mocking & Missing Christianity

[Lost]

Hello again dear ex-Christians!

 

I guess I wrote here on this forum 2 posts more than 1 year ago.

 

I'm Lost. And I am officially Licensed Nurse and I'm going to study for 2 years Public Health. I haven't started any work yet.

Probably I will visit my first psychiatrist in this month, mostly because of issues from childhood after losing mum at age 8, cognitive dissonance caused by crisis of faith, some symptoms of depersonalization disorder, shopaholism and debts, obsessions.

 

Well, I still attend church, have some spiritual feelings, but actually no faith. Have no clue how to leave church, where everyone don't know about my struggless and where people like me.

 

I mentioned in my first post on this forum that my faith in God was always with me, especially after my mum's death and my personality was strongly connected with Him.

 

Nowadays I've got times when I am mocking whole christianity thing in my mind and times when I truly miss this wholeness of myself and God and this purpose to look at the Kingdom of God.

 

I've got moments when I focus only on people and moments when I focus only on myself.

 

I could write much more, but maybe next time...

 

In general I think that there are people among ex-CHristians that truly don't understand why they stopped believe, and why they have doubts and what they're gonna do with their lives outside church. It's like unexpected death of beloved family member. Or even worse.

 

I can't fully be rational atheist or fully spiritual person.

 

I will have always this feeling of being divided between two worlds. Hoping for coming back of that what will never come back.

 

I noticed after reading many people's post on here that leaving christianity give many of you freedom, but for me and maybe few ones it's a shocking losing of last hope that seems to be only an ilussion.

 

Probably on my death bed I will be thinking of God and ask Jesus for forgiveness in my haze of doubts.

 

As a fresh nurse I can say that patients never know what they are going to think on death bed about things related to dying. Maybe many famous atheists during dying were talking with God in their mind without talking to anyone about it?

[Geezer]

James Fowlers book Stages Of Faith is something you might find helpful. I assume it has a kindle addition. I haven't checked but there may be an on line version if you want to google it.

 

If all else fails, and your are interested, I can provide you with a link that offers a summary for each of the six stages he writes about just send me a PM.

[MOHO]

Hey there, Lost,

 

Speaking from personal experience you are going through the stages of deprogramming. This is normal for those of us who went through years of indoctrination.

 

Relax, knock of the church shit and try not to think about it for a few days. Then come back here and read, read, read.

 

It works!

[older]

 

 

...

 

they have doubts and what they're gonna do with their lives outside church. It's like unexpected death of beloved family member. Or even worse.

 

...

 

You have made an important point, perhaps without realizing it. Much of religion is social — the friendships, shared experiences and so on. It's important, then, to establish a new network. When you get into your studies, see if there is some sort of social group connected with that. If you still feel some spirituality, try a Unitarian-Universalist church. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unitarian_Universalism   Or find a hobby club, political club, or anything you can use to build new friendships and a new social system.

 

This site can be one of those resources, and we're here to listen and help, but face-to-face friendships are important too, and it may take some work to rebuild those.

[dangitbobby83]

It's indoctrination, plain and simple. 

 

The virus of faith is not easily removed. Making it even more difficult is what you've already described, the community that is naturally built for you.

 

But it's tribal and it's primitive. It's part of the inbuilt control systems religion has over people - you drop your beliefs, you lose your tribe and with it, all the support you have. 

 

The lie is, however, that there is no other supports available. Christianity will tell you all other methods of support, all other groups of people, are heathens with no morals, who will cheat and harm you. (Despite the ample evidence that the church is no better in this regard) That is patently false, as I can attest. 

 

I base my worldview now on what can be objectively proven, and I take a skeptical approach to it: always be willing to accept new evidence that might change my mind. That has given me more peace than Jesus ever did. 

 

[Lost]

Thank You All for Your opinions and advices

 

I need top say that for sure everyone who goes through de-conversion process is going to experience that in their unique way. For some it's terribly painful, for others it's an incredible freedom. Many people lose beloved community, family, friends, spouse or even become insane and go for help to psychologist or psychiatrist.

 

In my area where I live people are not really interested insubjects like religion. Here in Poland where I live there are mostly Catholic that are used to their tradition and probably don't even know about hot topic in Christianity nowadays, which is End Times.

 

I would like to move to England one day to meet people through meet ups in local areas. I need groups for girls who lost their mothers (MotherlessDaughters), group for people with crisis of faith, pathological doubting, obsessive thoughts.

I think about going to English theatres to see musicals and some actors and actresses that I know from my journey with English culture (mostly thanks the Internet). I also would like to try to work in England as a nurse or in Public Health department and...write screenplay or many screenplays about dealing with life without parent, parents, God, dealing with cognitive dissonance and depersonalization disorders, personality dilemma.

 

But somehow I'm afraid of this whole multiculture society and sexual openness. I'm rather shy and quiet, but I have a nature of truth seeker, lover of knowledge and there is a little bit of rebel in me. I'm scared and in the same time excited what living in this kind of society would do with my whole self.

 

I know for sure that it will be incredible hard to find in life soulmates that will understand me deeply and will share my problems and doubts and saty with me, even during my death time.

 

Greetings for All or You

[midniterider]

I can't fully be rational atheist or fully spiritual person.

 

You don't have to be one or the other. You can take some of this and take some of that and just be you. Be rational when it is important to be so. Be spiritual when it feels good to do so.

 

I will have always this feeling of being divided between two worlds. Hoping for coming back of that what will never come back.

 

Being a human being means not having all the answers, not always feeling completely comfortable with who you are, not always knowing what will happen next.

 

I noticed after reading many people's post on here that leaving christianity give many of you freedom, but for me and maybe few ones it's a shocking losing of last hope that seems to be only an ilussion.

 

Unfortunately Christianity teaches people to live for God and have hope in him. Then when one deconverts, well, you know the rest. You could replace Jesus with a different kind of spirituality, or learn to live without spirituality or do some other option. Consider your options. My wife has called herself a Christian, feels she will be going to some form of heaven...is fuzzy on the details of it ... but prefers to do her own thinking, and is definitely not a practicing Christian.

 

Probably on my death bed I will be thinking of God and ask Jesus for forgiveness in my haze of doubts.

 

I may do that on my death bed too. Both my religion hating parents were reading the bible and going to church in their last days. People want continuation. Certainly nothing wrong with that.

 

As a fresh nurse I can say that patients never know what they are going to think on death bed about things related to dying. Maybe many famous atheists during dying were talking with God in their mind without talking to anyone about it?

 

I would assume so.

[Lost]

Thank You midniterider for Your patience in analysis of my statements, doubts and questions. I've got a feeling that You put some heart in it.

Thank You

 

Feeling of being somehow or fully understand by someone gives some inner hope and peace.

[rjn]

 

I can't fully be rational atheist or fully spiritual person.

 

You don't have to be one or the other. You can take some of this and take some of that and just be you. Be rational when it is important to be so. Be spiritual when it feels good to do so.

 

I will have always this feeling of being divided between two worlds. Hoping for coming back of that what will never come back.

 

Being a human being means not having all the answers, not always feeling completely comfortable with who you are, not always knowing what will happen next.

 

I noticed after reading many people's post on here that leaving christianity give many of you freedom, but for me and maybe few ones it's a shocking losing of last hope that seems to be only an ilussion.

 

Unfortunately Christianity teaches people to live for God and have hope in him. Then when one deconverts, well, you know the rest. You could replace Jesus with a different kind of spirituality, or learn to live without spirituality or do some other option. Consider your options. My wife has called herself a Christian, feels she will be going to some form of heaven...is fuzzy on the details of it ... but prefers to do her own thinking, and is definitely not a practicing Christian.

 

Probably on my death bed I will be thinking of God and ask Jesus for forgiveness in my haze of doubts.

 

I may do that on my death bed too. Both my religion hating parents were reading the bible and going to church in their last days. People want continuation. Certainly nothing wrong with that.

 

As a fresh nurse I can say that patients never know what they are going to think on death bed about things related to dying. Maybe many famous atheists during dying were talking with God in their mind without talking to anyone about it?

 

I would assume so.

 

 

I've come to realize that I'm not really an atheist. Not that I ever claimed to be one, but I've definitely been heading in that direction the last year or so. To be true with myself though: no, I'm not. I'm not a theist either, but then again I never was an "all or nothing" person. Binary distinctions like that are false dichotomies in my eyes, and always were.

[milesaway]

First off, it's ok to miss Christianity. Maybe what you miss more is the community aspect, but whatever you miss about it, it's all ok. It's also understandable that you miss it. After all, the work in terms of making friends and finding a community was done for you, and also it offers some kind of certainty in a world of unknowns. Christendom is often known for demonizing other religions or those who don't identify with any religion by sending us the message that it's Christendom or bust. Remember that it's a scare tactic, and a tough one to unlearn. I would suggest building a life outside of church, because it looks as though that's what your world revolves around at this time. That's very common for those who had church as a major figure in their lives. As a heads-up, some of us lost people we considered friends during our deconversion process, myself included, but hopefully you'll luck out and any friends you made in church will still be there in your life post-religion. 

 

The upside here is that you get to define spirituality for yourself, if you decide to keep that as a part of your life moving forward. Keep whatever makes sense to you, and leave the rest behind. You now get to live your life on your terms, not those of some belief system. There's no pressure to label yourself anymore, because whatever label you identify with now may feel differently a year or two from now. 

[midniterider]

 

I've come to realize that I'm not really an atheist. Not that I ever claimed to be one, but I've definitely been heading in that direction the last year or so. To be true with myself though: no, I'm not. I'm not a theist either, but then again I never was an "all or nothing" person. Binary distinctions like that are false dichotomies in my eyes, and always were.

 

 

A label is just a word that means something different to each individual using it. And yes, life is a gray area more than it is black or white. A label is not really important and it probably is not healthy to try to live according to a chosen label. But, if a label feels good, then  use it. Don't be afraid to change it later. People change attitudes about things throughout life. Call yourself whatever you like.

 

Life is dynamic. Pastors snap one day and become full blown atheists. Atheists find Jesus. lol. Variety is the spice of life.

[TardisThinker]

 It's like unexpected death of beloved family member. Or even worse.

It's definitely worse; it’s finding out that they never existed in the first place, and all your cherished memories never actually happened (at least for me that’s how it felt).  For me it took years of pain and confusion before settling into a sense of freedom and peace. Deconverting was seriously the worst thing I lived through. It’s a painful adjustment, but most eventually make it through, and I believe you will too.  

 

I know for sure that it will be incredible hard to find in life soulmates that will understand me deeply and will share my problems and doubts and saty with me, even during my death time.

 

I worry about this too, but I think death will be one of those times where love is bigger than differing religious beliefs. 

[R. S. Martin]

Dear Lost sister, your written English is amazing. I could tell it's your second language but you express yourself very well. That should help greatly as you seek employment and residence in an English-speaking country. I can't imagine what you're going through but I am also a woman who moved from one culture to another, from a very strict old-fashioned religion into the modern high-tech English-speaking world. I feel for you and wish you all the best in your search for a better life. 

[Lost]

Thank You Tardis Thinker and R.S. Martin for Your heartwarming words and I'm glad that somehow You both can relate with my pain.

 

And thank You ALL once again for Your useful statements and advices and I really like reading Your own stories of deconversion.

 

I kinda always considered my life strange in many ways and different from normal people and I was finding it and still think that it's not OK to go through any problem whether it's physical, mental or spiritual alone without someone's understanding and support. Being the only one dealng with particular situation and living in a place where You don't know nobody who share your experiences is really annoying.

 

I'm glad that on past Thursday I visited psychiatrist and she advised me to call a psychologist that she knows and works in the same place as her. I thought that after telling her about my issues and thoughts I will end up taking pills and being treated in mental institution.

Yeah, it's going to be therapy session with psychologist only, but very often I feel like my emotions and thoughts give me this feeling of being really HIGH and disconnected with enviroment around me that I somehow would like to rest in mental hospital.

 

She was asking me if I want some pills to help me somehow, but I said there is no need. She as psychiatrist listened my strange story about crisis of faith, mum's death, mess of thoughts, depersonalization and some reflections about sexual orientations an different views that go around this subject.

I said that I finished nursing school on Licensed level and i'm  planning to study public health as an addition.

She just said her last words to me with a strange look in her eyes before I left her office.

 

Thank You ALL for everything and  if You know this thread or if You are new to it, please leave Your opinions and share Your experiences with faith