De-Conversion, Part 7: The Spiritual Limbo Pt. 2

[SkepticalDaniel]

I staggered on through my senior year, getting sicker and sicker as the months went by during the second semester. The depression was so thick that I couldn't even focus on anything. “How could I possibly have a good relationship God now?” I wandered. April then came, and the Spring Break began. OCD and anxiety kicked in, and it became absolutely unbearable. My parents and younger brother went to California for our Spring Break trip. I pretended that I would have fun with it, but deep down inside, I was panicked. All I could think of was the girl I'd met my junior year (who I mentioned in Parts 1 and 2 of the story) and what she would be doing. I prayed constantly, “Oh God, please keep her safe! Oh God, keep her sheltered from the sinful world!” This made the vacation almost unbearable. And by the beginning of the month of May, I'd thought I'd seen the worst of it, but I was wrong… dead wrong!

 

I discovered later on that my nana, after being in remission for 3 years, had now developed an incurable cancer. She now had only a few more months to live. Great, I thought to myself, first my spiritual limbo with God, and now my nana is about to die! What the hell am I going to do now?

 

There was really nothing I could do at that point but mope within, hiding the fact that I was depressed from my parents. I wanted a way out of it, but nothing seemed to help. The only thing that did seem to help was my comfort mechanisms. These mechanisms included the Christian bands Red, Skillet and Stryper (which would be my go-to sources for comfort in the last times.). Before the end of May, my folks and I went up to Kentucky to see my nana before she died. It was a great visit, and it did seem to help get my mind off of the depression. We had a grand time playing Monopoly and going to the local Church of God (which was a more traditional church rather than a contemporary one, and I appreciated it because of the fact they used the King James Bible).

 

The visit ended, and it was time to head back home to finish high school, but not before I said a tearful goodbye to my nana. I finished my senior year with passing grades and graduated on May 25th. This was also the last time I saw the same girl in person, in which it was also another tearful goodbye. It was that night, when I returned home from graduation, that I reviewed news from my father that my nana was on her last legs in the hospital, and most likely was going to die very soon. After hearing this news, I went back into my bedroom around 12:00am and broke down on the floor. I prayed to God “please let her live a little longer! Please intervene! Don't let her die! Please don't punish me for letting you down by taking her from me,” but all I got was silence, until something happened. At that moment, I heard very vividly the disembodied voices of all my classmates from high school trying to console me. It was so unreal, like something metaphysical. At the time, I'd thought of it as God’s Holy Spirit coming in the room trying to comfort me, but now, I don't know what it was.

 

Three days later, I received the bad news. My nana had died. I was crushed. We drove over to Kentucky to attend her funeral at that same Church. I'll never forget it. The memories from that day are so vivid, that it's really hard to speak about it without crying. I walked into the church auditorium, and there she was, laying silently in her open casket, dressed in a formal gown. The service went on, and at the end, we all walked up to the casket to say our goodbyes. I was most devastated. I guess this is my punishment, I thought to myself, it’s all over now! My failure to lead people to Christ, in my mind, most likely led to my nana’s death. “Nana, please forgive me, I didn’t mean to be selfish,” was all I could tell myself. Back in the hotel room, after the funeral, I spent time thinking about everything, realizing what a failure that I was.

 

I spent the rest of the summer of 2012 existing, rather than living. There simply felt like nothing to live for at that point. I can’t pretend to remember every single detail of it, but all I know is that this summer was much worse than the one before, and the anxiety was amplified even more by the fear of the approaching date of December 21, 2012, which was the date that I thought would most likely be the time of the Rapture. So, for my first year of college I HAD to do EVERYTHING in my power to try and save souls from Hell, and study the End Times prophecies (i.e. “mark of the Beast” from the Book of Revelation, and the Abomination and Desolation and 70 Weeks mentioned in the Book of Daniel). From August to December of 2012, that would be my daily ritual. During my first year of college, I became part of a more conservative Bible study group on the campus called the Alphas and Omegas, who I was part of for about a year. They were really nice people, caring easy to talk to, and VERY BIG on the idea of holiness, which I thought that I seriously needed, especially during the supposed “last days” that the Bible spoke about. Unfortunately, though this group was much more conservative than the other church groups I mentioned, they just turned out to be more like a social gathering, just like how it was back at Methodist Church I attended. This made the spiritual limbo even worse. Anyway, December 21, 2012 came and went, and nothing happened, so that was a relief.

 

But unfortunately, 2013 would be the opening to a new rabbit hole that I’d fall into...

[Guest]

Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. I'm so sorry for all the struggles you had to go through, and all the mental torment.

[Guest]

Also, what kinds of things did the Alphas and Omegas teach? Is the group an association or just a small student run group?