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50% Of Heaven's Population Is Assholes Who Begged Forgiveness At Last Minute

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Another blockbuster story revealed by The Onion:

 

WASHINGTON—According to an alarming new report published Monday, roughly half the population of Heaven is composed of total assholes who begged for God’s forgiveness at the last moment before dying.

 

http://www.theonion.com/article/report-50-heavens-population-just-assholes-who-beg-54072

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