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Dumbest/weirdest/most Repulsive Argument Or Story A Fundy Ever Told You?

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In the "Stuff Fundies Post on Facebook"-thread, we have thousands of examples of just how hilarious AND horrible fundies can be. Most of them though, are made up of short Facebook-posts, Tweets, or Memes. My intention with this thread however, is to give you guys an opportunity to share the weirdest pro-Christian arguments or bullshit stories you've heard: Farfetched nonsense, great displays of wilfull ignorance, extreme stupidity, batshit insane delusions, stomach-churning "morals" - you name it - bring it on!

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I got a really good lie from a preacher once, i was told there was roman documentation of matthew 27 and how itvwas orders to tax the people who where resurrected during the cruxifiction.

 

Another goodie, a fundy family claimed i was lying when i referenced the jewish authorities briding the roman guards. This is plainly in the matthew resurrection account.

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Listening to Harold Camping on the radio talking to a crying and emotionally crushed woman that was being abused by her husband, telling her that she is not to divorce her husband under any circumstances and that she is to continue to love and obey him so that he may eventually come to know christ.

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Ooh, these "best of fundies" are always entertaining. Let's see... I was at a family gathering when one of those discussions where they all agree with each other that we are in the end times happened, and my dad started saying that eventually no one will be allowed into Walmart or Target without first demonstrating their support for gay marriage. My uncle chimed in that the mark of the beast being 666 is a misconception derived from the confusion of numbers with Arabic letters, and that the mark is actually "Allah."

 

 

Wendybanghead.gif

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This website called letgodbetrue.com I spoke to one of the people who runs it and he was saying how God is sovereign and chooses to reveal his wisdom to whomsoeber he chooses. And that is why 'Africa is poor' ( yes, a diverse continent with different counties and economies- don't get me started). Nothing to do with the intensive stripping of resources and intentional destabilisation of existing power structures that took place in the 1800s. No it's because God did not give them wisdom like America. America is blessed financially because they have 'in God we trust ' on their money.

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A fundy once told me that when we go to hell, we are not allowed to be with our family and friends, she also told me that she would obey her husband in all things.

 

Years after we stopped working together, I saw her in the town, with a Christian street singing group, mindlessly singing the praises of her invisible serial killer 

 

Sad cow 

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A fundy once told me that when we go to hell, we are not allowed to be with our family and friends, she also told me that she would obey her husband in all things.

 

Years after we stopped working together, I saw her in the town, with a Christian street singing group, mindlessly singing the praises of her invisible serial killer 

 

Sad cow 

 

What's her source for that Hell-part? huh.png

 

Here's one I read at some Secular/Atheist forum, that I did post in another thread way back, but might as well share it again:

So, the resident Christian (there always is one, ours is IH!) at this overwhelmingly secular message board put forth a "theory" that God, in his super-awesome and mysterious ways, had somehow - actively - instigated the spread of the Hellenic/Greek culture  across the Mediterranean world and the Near East. So, Alexander the Great was unwittingly doing the work of God, or something along those lines. Why you may ask? Well duh! So the New Testament, written in Koine Greek, could be shared with a lot of people in the Greco-Roman world!

 

Isn't there a term for adjusting ones views in hindsight like that, and claiming there's some "purpose" to it? I don't know about you, but to me, that makes about as much sense as saying that nature wittingly let pine trees grow in abundance up here so I could wipe my ass with paper made from its pulp.

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A fundy once told me that when we go to hell, we are not allowed to be with our family and friends, she also told me that she would obey her husband in all things.

 

Years after we stopped working together, I saw her in the town, with a Christian street singing group, mindlessly singing the praises of her invisible serial killer

 

Sad cow

What's her source for that Hell-part? huh.png

 

Here's one I read at some Secular/Atheist forum, that I did post in another thread way back, but might as well share it again:

So, the resident Christian (there always is one, ours is IH!) at this overwhelmingly secular message board put forth a "theory" that God, in his super-awesome and mysterious ways, had somehow - actively - instigated the spread the Hellenic/Greek culture across the Mediterranean world and the Near East. So, Alexander the Great was unwittingly doing the work of God, or something along those lines. Why you may ask? Well duh! So the New Testament, written in Koine Greek, could be shared with a lot of people in the Greco-Roman world!

 

Isn't there a term for adjusting ones views in hindsight like that, and claiming there's some "purpose" to it? I don't know about you, but to me, that makes about as much sense as saying that nature wittingly let pine trees grow in abundance up here so I could wipe my ass with paper made from its pulp.

The term would be "hindsight bias." Very common with fundies.

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A fundy once told me that when we go to hell, we are not allowed to be with our family and friends, she also told me that she would obey her husband in all things.

 

Years after we stopped working together, I saw her in the town, with a Christian street singing group, mindlessly singing the praises of her invisible serial killer 

 

Sad cow

 

What's her source for that Hell-part? :huh:

 

From what little I can remember after all these years............

 

I said if I was going to hell at least I would have the company of my family, and she said no, God wouldn't allow that , you were there to suffer don cha know...........she had no source , other than the desire to enslave another person to her horrid world view. I was only a teenager and she caused me tremendous anxiety, I had to go on medication........funny isn't it, she damaged my mind with her constant hell fire talk, yet probably wouldn't even remember me now( this was all in the late 80's)........ I certainly will never forget her, and not for happy reasons........

 

I'm not a vengeful chap, but I hope she found as much misery in later life as she then infected me with

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Castiel: Dayum... what a cunt =/

Those people really are a bunch of arrogant, self-righteous assholes are they not? They're not moral people, they don't truly care about others, all they care about is making themselves feel good by impressing their imaginary friend bully.

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In our home bible study a lady in the group announced that god had spoken to her and she was pregnant! Everyone was happy for her....even though everyone in the group knew her ovaries and uterus were removed by surgery two years prior.

 

Her "pregnancy" lasted another 6 months. No one in the group asked one critical question; cause, afterall, "god does miracles". And, she did a great job of maintaining her figure during that time. Then, at that point six months point, she announced that she was no longer pregnant. But, yes, she was indeed pregnant during the six months, but now she was not. "God" came to her and took the pregnancy away. He said he now had other, and better, plans for her.

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"Just before you came here, we talked with an atheist, asked permission to pray over him, and when we did, God's spirit lifted him up and threw him against the wall! He ran off after that!"

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"Just before you came here, we talked with an atheist, asked permission to pray over him, and when we did, God's spirit lifted him up and threw him against the wall! He ran off after that!"

 

Really? :o

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I suppose the story that sent me on my road to questioning and eventually deconversion.

 

A missionary friend went into a long involved story about what happened when he preached at a German church. According to him, before the service and group of witches came in, led by the high priestess who had things woven into her hair. He didn't pay them much attention other than knowing they were there. As he preached, the translator was having problems translating and eventually couldn't talk. The preacher had enough and leapt off the platform and confronted them. The power of God and Satan were vibrating both of them until finally she was thrown across the room into the large glass doors of the auditorium and all her followers were knocked out. He went around praying for the believers there and eventually all the witches came crawling up, confessed their sins, and were born again.

 

However... the video of the service showed that none of that happened. The translator had trouble with the preacher's deep Southern accent, so wasn't very fast in translating. That clearly frustrated the preacher. He has a very active imagination, and it must have created this whole story out of that. Sad that so many hang on his words as evidence of miracles.

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This for me was stomach churning moral:

 

So the pastor is going on about Cain and Abel and says that Cain would not come to God because he was predestined from the beginning to be lost. However because God is a just God he gave him a chance to bring the correct offering even though God knew Cain couldn't (Free will or not?) Yeah ok at this point... God knows everything, knows Cain won't do the right thing.... that's okish

 

But then, But even if Cain HAD brought the correct sacrifice God wouldn't have accepted it, but would have given Cain the chance to Bring it just so he could appear just. WTF!!!??????????

 

 

Here's another one on illogical thinking: Thank you Lord that I had appendicitis and that the op went well.... so you thanking him that he didn't give you cancer or something? Wouldn't it be better not to have appendicitis at all?

Its like me walking up and slapping you, then you thank me for not hitting you with a baseball bat. WTF!!????

 

Ok, I'm getting worked up... I'll leave now and come back later k? :D

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"Just before you came here, we talked with an atheist, asked permission to pray over him, and when we did, God's spirit lifted him up and threw him against the wall! He ran off after that!"

 

 

Really? :o

Yes really! What a shame that I didn't see it!

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"Just before you came here, we talked with an atheist, asked permission to pray over him, and when we did, God's spirit lifted him up and threw him against the wall! He ran off after that!"

 

Really? ohmy.png

Yes really! What a shame that I didn't see it!

 

 

No, I meant "Really?" as in "Did they REALLY tell people that story and expected them to believe it?". 

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"Just before you came here, we talked with an atheist, asked permission to pray over him, and when we did, God's spirit lifted him up and threw him against the wall! He ran off after that!"

 

 

Really? :o

Yes really! What a shame that I didn't see it!

 

No, I meant "Really?" as in "Did they REALLY tell people that story and expected them to believe it?".

Yes. It's a lot like Fuego's story now that I think of it. I'll post some more weirdness later.

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Hmm... I wonder if there are any fundies that crazy around here. Was this a Pentecostal Church? 

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In our home bible study a lady in the group announced that god had spoken to her and she was pregnant! Everyone was happy for her....even though everyone in the group knew her ovaries and uterus were removed by surgery two years prior.

 

Her "pregnancy" lasted another 6 months. No one in the group asked one critical question; cause, afterall, "god does miracles". And, she did a great job of maintaining her figure during that time. Then, at that point six months point, she announced that she was no longer pregnant. But, yes, she was indeed pregnant during the six months, but now she was not. "God" came to her and took the pregnancy away. He said he now had other, and better, plans for her.

Wooooooooooowwww!!!!!!!!  Wendytwitch.gif

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Hmm... I wonder if there are any fundies that crazy around here. Was this a Pentecostal Church?

 

Yes. I'm pretty sure you could find them too if you wanted to for some reason.

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Hmm... I wonder if there are any fundies that crazy around here. Was this a Pentecostal Church?

Yes. I'm pretty sure you could find them too if you wanted to for some reason.

 

 

Uh, nevermind wink.png

 

 

"Uffeboy speaks in tongues"

 

Here's my bullshit transcription: 

 

"Halleluyah! Sakarichti(???) Ga Hayath! The Evangelium is going out(???)!

Poland... Sugarabichti Ga Hayath! Czechoslovakia, Halleluyah!

Ooooh, ooooh! Halleluyah! Romania and Bulgaria! 

Halleluyah! Hungary - Cacaca Haya! Halleluyah!

The Soviet Union! Ooooh, yacayaya! (???)

Ooooooh! Rediley deshti leyey! Ooooh! Reviya sickee-dee-a-lee! In Jesus' Name! In Jesus' Name!

Detach/distance yourselves! (???) In Jesus' name, you're sent out! (?)

Holy spirit! Sweden! Power! Ooooh, yacaaa!"

 

Then he goes on to play a bit with his Force Powers. 

 

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Hmm... I wonder if there are any fundies that crazy around here. Was this a Pentecostal Church?

Yes. I'm pretty sure you could find them too if you wanted to for some reason.

Uh, nevermind wink.png

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_DI9ZL-8rc

 

"Uffeboy speaks in tongues"

 

Here's my bullshit transcription:

 

"Halleluyah! Sakarichti(???) Ga Hayath! The Evangelium is going out(???)!

Poland... Sugarabichti Ga Hayath! Czechoslovakia, Halleluyah!

Ooooh, ooooh! Halleluyah! Romania and Bulgaria!

Halleluyah! Hungary - Cacaca Haya! Halleluyah!

The Soviet Union! Ooooh, yacayaya! (???)

Ooooooh! Rediley deshti leyey! Ooooh! Reviya sickee-dee-a-lee! In Jesus' Name! In Jesus' Name!

Detach/distance yourselves! (???) In Jesus' name, you're sent out! (?)

Holy spirit! Sweden! Power! Ooooh, yacaaa!"

 

Then he goes on to play a bit with his Force Powers.

Literally reminds me of hungry zombies.

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"Just before you came here, we talked with an atheist, asked permission to pray over him, and when we did, God's spirit lifted him up and threw him against the wall! He ran off after that!"

I would've laughed in their face and asked them point blank to pray over me. Then I would've stood there and laughed at the pitifulness of god's power as I was able to defeat god and stop him from throwing me. 

 

Then I would've demanded to see evidence of this happening, asked for witnesses, a video recording, and proceeded to call them liars if they couldn't produce anything.

 

What utter, self deceived nonsense. 

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I suppose the story that sent me on my road to questioning and eventually deconversion.

 

A missionary friend went into a long involved story about what happened when he preached at a German church. According to him, before the service and group of witches came in, led by the high priestess who had things woven into her hair. He didn't pay them much attention other than knowing they were there. As he preached, the translator was having problems translating and eventually couldn't talk. The preacher had enough and leapt off the platform and confronted them. The power of God and Satan were vibrating both of them until finally she was thrown across the room into the large glass doors of the auditorium and all her followers were knocked out. He went around praying for the believers there and eventually all the witches came crawling up, confessed their sins, and were born again.

 

However... the video of the service showed that none of that happened. The translator had trouble with the preacher's deep Southern accent, so wasn't very fast in translating. That clearly frustrated the preacher. He has a very active imagination, and it must have created this whole story out of that. Sad that so many hang on his words as evidence of miracles.

 

Woo, man, and fundy christians eat this shit up. 

 

Funny, though, when verifiable third party evidence shows up (in this case, a video recording), the story suddenly falls apart and what actually happened is quite normal and boring.

 

To contribute, I've encountered a lot of this bullshit back in college. Went to a Free Methodist university and had a few nutbags there. One such nutbag always liked to fake some sort of crazy bullshit. The crazy bullshit for this story, though, happened the night before first semester final exams. My roommate (who is now a pastor himself - and is a half-nutbag) came busting in the room needing my help for an exorcism. Yeah, you read that right. I asked who it was, turns out it's the campus loon. 

 

I proceeded to remind my roommate that he had a final in 6 hours and should either be studying or sleeping. He begged me to help, said it was about a spiritual battle. I laughed him off, told him I would pray right before I went back to sleep and wished him luck. 

 

He finally stumbles in 10 minutes before his first final, with bags under his eyes, hanging down to his knees. I asked him if he managed to drive the demon out (while laughing under my breath), in which he informed me that they did just "a few minutes ago." In short - he and several of the "exorcists" - had an exam they had to go to so the campus loon dropped his act. Funny how it happened right before they all needed to go to class. 

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